And Yet Still More Random Thoughts
May 5, 2006

My Ex Wife, Insomnia & The Lottery

Dreaming of Insomnia
 
I dreamed that I had insomnia last night. I was asleep but I was dreaming that I was lying awake in bed not sleeping. Needless to say, when the alarm went off I didn't feel rested so I laid there a while kind of drifting in and out of sleep, and I dreamed that I got up and got dressed and went to work, and then when I woke up I had to do it all over again. It was kind of like Groundhog Day except it was boring, and there was no way I could use the situation to my advantage like Bill Murray did.
 
There was a time, not too long ago, when I would have wondered what all this meant and what it said about me. I don't really care anymore, I think because I don't worry what anyone else thinks or how all this appears.
 
And for a long time there I never really worried about anything at all, but now I think a lot about my kids and my ex wife and how she's suing me for custody and how the judge is actually listening to all the crap that she's alleging even though none of it is true.
 
When Cruella Came Over
 
I used to really get insomnia when I worked the night shift and I used to worry about the kids and my psycho ex-wife. I used to just think of her as a knife-wielding psychopath, but now when I think about her it's more like a force of nature, like an earthquake or a hurricane just ripping through everyone's lives, indiscriminately destroying everything in her path with no thought or care about anyone else.

disasterservices.jpg

Its like when she comes over, the skies turn black and all the dogs run around in circles in the yard and the cows lay down in the fields. There's really nothing you can do but board up all the windows and hide in the basement, and just brace for impact. You don't reason with an earthquake. A hurricane just does what it does and everyone else has to adapt. It's just how it is.
 
I know that every man in the history of the universe who has ever been divorced has said the same thing about their ex-wives, and eventually I think everyone reaches the conclusion that all women are insane. But to say that all women are insane is really minimizing the depths of her problems.
 
They say it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, but you couldn't tell it by me. I say it's better to have never met her than to have once been so depraved and emotionally stunted that I mistook her particular brand of emotional manipulation for love. But I did, I made the decisions that I made and now there's nothing left but to crawl out from under the rubble and see what you have left. In my case, it was a total wash.
 
I know all of this sounds harsh and maybe it is. I don't say these things out of meanness or bitterness, though maybe with a bit of frustration. It's just that no matter how hard I ever try, there is no way to communicate with her, no way to reason with her. To her, I will always be the worst thing that I ever did, and she will never see or even remember anything good about me. The biggest frustration is knowing that we could get along, that things could be so much better with us, if only she would stop hating so much. Anyway....
 
The Lottery
 
I played the lottery the other day. I think God wanted me to play the lottery. I'm not sure why, and I'm not sure that He wanted me to actually win the lottery, but I played it anyway.
 
I wonder if God ever tells people to do stuff just to see if they'll do it. I would.
 
But I'm not sure about this lottery thing. I screwed up my life so much on my own never having any money, it's hard to imagine how screwed up it would all be with millions of dollars.
 
I think I would try to help those less unfortunate than me.
 
If I do win the lottery, a whole bunch of people will be freaked out.

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