Anyway, I know this one chick and she really does fascinate me, and I really would like to know her better, although I'm relatively sure that the fact she thought I was gay is a pretty good indicator that she has no interest in me. I told her that I am so totally not gay, and so totally into chicks, that I am heterosexual enough to even be two guys. But after assuring her I was not gay, I'm pretty sure that she now thinks I'm retarded.

 

This chick saw me hanging out with a friend of mine who also is totally not gay, but, in fairness to her, he does look kind of gay. In a kind of Tony Orlando lounge singer way. At least, he looks way more gay than I do. Though he did tell me that if he was gay, I wouldn't be his type. And all at once I felt rejected and relieved and wanted to stick my fingers in my ears and go "La la la la la" and never think about this ever again.

 

In a similar vein, I'm sure that gay guys don't want other guys thinking they're straight, or anyway if I were gay I probably wouldn't. But, like I said, imagining what my life would be like if I was gay really, seriously creeps me out. In this sense, I may even be homophobic, because I'm afraid that people will think I'm gay, and I'm also afraid that gay people will kick my ass for no reason. It's irrational, I know, but I know this one guy who is so afraid of street mimes that once he left a baseball game because he thought he saw one at the entrance (note: the story you have just read is true, but details have been changed to protect the innocent). And when I think about that, maybe it doesn't seem so weird.

 

As bad as I was at being married, I'm even worse at being single.