I love the word awesome, and I use it as much as possible. Even when things are not awesome at all, or at least not as
awesome as I'd like them to be, I always try to find something about them that makes them awesome. Maybe I overuse it, and
maybe it even loses all meaning when you apply it to everything, but in the end things are either awesome or just not awesome.
There's no scale of awesomeness. It's not like worst-bad-neutral-good-better-best: There's awesome and there's suck.
I know what's awesome to me, and I know what I like, even though it's hard sometimes to figure out what I want exactly.
Once there was an episode of The Twilight Zone where this dude died, and went into this tunnel and came out
in a big hotel room where he had everything he ever wanted, like he could gamble and never lose, have any woman and she would
never say no, order anything he wanted from room service, anything. And after about a week he said to the dude there, Heaven
sure is boring...and the dude was like, "Who said you were in Heaven??"
Or something like that.
The point is, I don't always know what I want, and I don't think anyone ever really does. I am, however, almost positive
what I don't want.
I'm pretty sure I want to have fun and laugh and go hiking and eat Thai food, listen to Warren Zevon and watch Law
& Order. I'm also absolutely positive that I don't want to talk about my own or anyone else's issues, what everything
means and how I feel every second of the day.
I thought I wanted to be married and even have more kids. I suppose I still do want that; I guess what's really changed
is what I'm willing to do to get it. I understand sacrifice and compromise, but no one should have to fundamentally change
who they are.
Sometimes you read those questions that get you thinking about moral issues or philosophical quandries, like, would you
cut off your arm for a million dollars? Would you do something you didn't want to do to get something that you wanted?
Meryl Streep in Sophie's Choice had to choose which one of her children would go free. Woody Harrelson was in
that one movie where he had to choose whether or not his wife wouldl sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. It's
a question of morals and values but in the end all these situations can be evaluated in very simple economic terms: What do
you value more? Would you rather have a million dollars or be married to Demi Moore?
In the end, everyone's got to make up their own minds, based on what they want from life and what's important to them,
and maybe it's unfair of me to compare my own dating experience to the movie Saw, where I have to cut off my leg
or die alone, but there it is.
