I wish I knew more about Napolean, because I know hardly anything about him. I know he was short and I know he was married to Josephine. On Swiss Family Robinson, the only reason they were on that ship was to get away from Napolean. And once on I Dream of Jeannie, she took Major Nelson back in time to meet Napolean.

 

I know he started off being kind of cool and everyone liked him and then he named himself Emperor and everyone hated him after that. And I know the Duke of Wellington totally kicked Napolean's ass at Waterloo, and everyone thinks of Wellington as a great British general but that dude was Irish. When Irish people do good things, like defeat Napolean and play James Bond, they're called British, but when they act like douchebags and riot at soccer games, then they're Irish.

 

It's kind of weird how everyone says "Napolean" and automatically we all know who he is, when that was only his first name. People say Lincoln or Stalin or Washington or Hitler or Churchill, and that's normal. But no one says Bonaparte.

 

Some people talk about Bonaparte like he was kind of a dick and did some horrible things, but Washington was probably also kind of a dick too, and he did great things, so it's hard to tell from that.

 

I know that Napolean made a deal with Russia and then he invaded them anyway, and he lost big. The same thing happened to Hitler, and I guess Hitler and Napolean have a lot in common: They were both short, they both dressed funny, and no one names their kids after them today.

 

Napolean wasn't near as bad as Hitler was, but that's also partly due to the fact that he didn't have the technology to be that bad. Like he didn't have communications or trains or machine guns or tanks or bombs. Maybe if he'd had all that, history would remember him differently.

 

If I knew him in school, I would have called him Napolean Boner-Part and then stuffed him in a trash can.