Face it, it's a fine line between being deep or profound, and just being stupid. Like when someone says "You have to find your own path," that's pretty much all-purpose and really amounts to saying "I don't know, get lost."

 

Say someone comes up to you and says, like, do you believe in God? And you say, "You have to find your own path." Basically you just told them to figure it out for themselves. Nevermind that fact that even if you accept this as a valid method of finding God, then part of the process would involve asking questions. And you just told them to get lost.

 

But whatever.

 

The thing is, what we usually think of as being deep or profound are usually very simple and easy to understand. You can take lessons about sharing and being nice, that work so well when you're four years old, and apply them to your grown-up life and suddenly everyone thinks you're wise beyond the lot of mortals. The reality is that you're more likely to be Forrest Gump.

 

Like the guy who wrote that book called All I Really Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten...I wonder how hard was it to write that book, and how do we know that he's not just one of those giant retarded men who always seem to be wearing huge pullover sweaters and shuffle around talking to their feet? Not that it would be so bad if he was, or that what he had to say would be any less valid. Just that we tend to think of these guys as all intellectual and sensitive, when they could just be stupid.

 

I think the reason this is on my mind is because I'm facing this real-life situation that seems to attract unwanted and useless advice. I won't say what it is, because I know if I do I'll be deluged with email telling me "You know what you need to do...?" But just imagine that you got fired from your job for something you didn't do, or that you got arrested, or that you were injured while shopping at Wal-Mart, or even just that you were having marital difficulties or facing a major illness. Now imagine how many people do you know, and how many people you don't even know, who would come up to you and give you stupid, unwanted advice. And now, whatever number you're thinking of, multiply it by a million and that's how much advice you'll get.

 

I'm becoming very protective of my privacy, but it has a lot less to do with embarrasment at having my problem generally known, than it does with my complete annoyance at all the morons who are constantly telling me what I should do about it. And you'll also be amazed at how many people you know who are secretly experts in exactly the situation you're facing. The most self-centered, irresponsible person you know will suddenly be an expert at child-raising; that 18 year old kid who works part-time at the office is in his spare time a prominent defense attorney; and that Hindu guy behind you in the barbecue line is doing advanced medical research for exactly the kind of growth you have hanging from your nutsack.

 

It's hard to imagine that all these folks mean well. Naturally, I'd like to think that they do, but more and more I'm convinced that their advice has less to do with helping me than it does with just showing how smart they think they are. And on some level I think they may even be trying to insinuate themselves into my life, to manufacture a feeling of obligation so that I'll always feel indebted to them for giving me that one piece of advice that miraculously made the D.A. drop all charges against me, or for suggesting the experimental bat guano therapy that cured my Hepatitis, or for reminding me that in this state it's legal for a man to sedate his wife for up to 12 hours a day even without her knowledge.

 

I've also learned that when someone I don't know offers to pray for me, just to say "thank you" and move away, quickly. Because there are surprisingly favorable odds that they'll start chanting, or touching me, or spinning around in circles. I don't know what good any of that is supposed to do, but judging from the results I've gotten I would guess that if I was to say "none at all," I wouldn't be far off.

 

I won't say what my situation is, but I will go so far as to tell you that it's not something clearly visible, like I'm not growing an extra limb or walking funny or something, and for that at least I am profoundly grateful. Because if it was something like that, then all that senseless advice would be prefaced with "What's that?" or "Why do you look so weird?" And then I would have to explain that I was bitten by a huge spider and that the welt on my face is all the baby spiders hatching and crawling around under my skin, or that I'm in a wheelchair because I'm part robot, or that the cast on my arm is just my way of hiding a secret alien ray gun.

 

And then there would be more advice, and who knows how much shut the hell up all that will lead to....?