1.   Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest
     anytime your roommate  eats meat. Then leave
     "Slim Jim" wrappers on the floor and lie on the
     bed holding your stomach everytime your roommate
     walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say
     you know nothing about them.

2.   Get some hair. Disperse it around your roommate's
     head while he/she  is asleep. Keep a pair of
     scissors by your bed. Snicker at your roommate
     every morning.

3.   Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray!
     You're back!" as  loud as you can and dance
     around the room for five minutes. Afterwards,
     keep looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't
     you be going somewhere?"

4.   Trash the room when your roommate's not around.
     Then leave and wait  for your roommate to come
     back. When he/she does, walk in and act
     surprised. Say, "Uh-oh, it looks like, THEY, were
     here again."

5.   Every time you see your roommate yell, "You son
     of a..." and kick  him/her in the stomach. Then
     buy him/her some ice cream.

6.   Set your roommate's bed on fire. Apologize and
     explain that you've  been watching too much
     "Beavis & Butthead." Do it again. Tell him/her
     that you're not sorry because this time, they
     deserved it.

7.   Put your glasses on before you go to bed. Take
     them off as soon as  you wake up. If your
     roommate asks, explain that they are Magic Dream
     Glasses. Complain that you've been having
     terrible nightmares.

8.   Eat lots of "Lucky Charms." Pick out all the
     yellow moons and  stockpile them in the closet.
     If your roommate inquires, explain that visitors
     are coming, but you can't say anything more, or
     you'll have to face the consequences.

9.   Set up meetings with your roommate's faculty
     advisor. Inquire about  his/her academic
     potential. Take lots of notes, and then give your
     roommate a full report. Insist that he/she do the
     same.

10.  "Drink" a raw egg for breakfast every morning.
     Explain that you  are in training. Eat a dozen
     donuts every night. 
11.  Every Thursday, pack up everything you own and
     tell your roommate you're going home. Come back
     in an hour and explain that no one was home. 
     Unpack everything and go to sleep.

12.  Every time you wake up, start yelling, "Oh, my
     God! Where the hell  am I?!" and run around the
     room for a few minutes. Then go back to bed. If
     your roommate asks, say you don't know what
     he/she is talking about.

13.  Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it
     bigger every day.  Look at it and say, "It's
     spreading, it's spreading."

14.  Buy a McDonald's "Happy Meal" for lunch every
     day. Eat the straw  and the napkin. Throw
     everything else away.

15.  Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it.
     After a    few  weeks, start to argue with it
     loudly. Then yell, "I can't live in the same room
     with you," storm out of the room and slam the
     door. Get rid of the plant, but keep the pot.
     Refuse to discuss the plant ever again.

16.  Buy a Jack-In-The-Box. Every day, turn the handle
     until the clown  pops out. Scream continuously
     for twenty minutes.

17.  Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room.
     If your roommate  eats eggs, yell at him/her and
     call him/her a cannibal.

18.  Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While
     you're doing so,  look at your roommate and
     mutter, "Soon, soon...."

19.  Lock the door while your roommate is out. When
     he/she comes back  and tries to unlock it, yell,
     "Don't come in, I'm naked!" Keep this up for
     several hours. When you finally let your roommate
     in, immediately take off all of your clothes, and
     ignore your roommate.

20.  Bring in potential "new" roommates from around
     campus. Give them  tours of the room and the
     building. Have them ask about your roommate in
     front of him/her, and reply, "Oh, him/her? He/she
     won't be here much longer."

21.  If your roommate comes home after midnight, hit
     him/her on the head  with a rolling pin.
     Immediately go to bed, muttering, "Ungrateful
     little..."

22.  Pile dirty dishes in your roommate's bed. Insist
     that you don't  know how they got there.

23.  Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one
     side of the room.  Keep one pencil on the other
     side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.

24.  Feign a serious illness for two weeks. Have a
     priest come to your  room and visit you. Write
     out a will, leaving everything to your roommate.
     One day, miraculously "recover." Insist that your
     roommate write out a will, leaving everything to
     you. Every time he/she coughs, excitedly say,
     "Oooh, are you dying?"

25.  Live in the hallway for a month. Afterwards,
     bring all of your  stuff back into the room and
     tell your roommate, "Okay, your turn."

26.  Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then
     get rid of the  tarantula. If your roommate asks,
     say, "Oh, he's around here somewhere."

27.  Tell your roommate, "I've got an important
     message for you." Then pretend to faint. When you
     recover, say you can't remember what the message
     was. Later on, say, "Oh, yeah, I remember!" Pretend
     to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.

28.  Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with
     other people in the  building. Award someone a
     trophy. If your roommate wants to bowl too,
     explain that he/she needs bowling shoes.

29.  Walk backwards all the time. Then pretend to trip
     and hurt  yourself. Fake an injury and go through
     a long, painful recovery. Start walking backwards
     again.

30.  While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to
     the ceiling. When  your roommate walks in, sit on
     the floor, hold your head, and moan.

31.  Explain to your roommate that you're going to be
     housing a  prospective student in the near
     future. One day, bring in a pig. If your roommate
     protests, hug the pig and tell your roommate that
     he/she hurt its feelings. Watch T.V with the pig,
     eating lots of bacon.

32.  Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the
     floor. Ignore the  sandwich. Wait until your
     roommate gets rid of it, and then say, "Hey,
     where the hell is my sandwich!?" Complain loudly
     that you are hungry.

33.  Punch a hole in the T.V. Sit and watch it anyway,
     complaining  about the poor picture quality.

34.  Wear a cape. Stand in front of an open window for
     about an hour  every day. Then, one day, when
     your roommate is gone, go outside and lie down
     underneath the window, pretending to be hurt, and
     wait for your roommate to return. The next day,
     start standing in front of the window again.

35.  Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give
     them names. Name  one after your roommate.
     Separate your roommate's potato from the others.
     Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's
     potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, "He
     just didn't belong."

from the Joke Page

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.
5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10".
12. Play with the automatic doors.
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this crap, anyway?"
15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."
17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"
20. Put M&M's on layaway.
21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"
26. TP as much of the store as possible.
27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.
29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"
31. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"
32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
33. Take bets on the battle described above.
34. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
35.While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible."
38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"
41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
42. Two words: "Marco Polo."
43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.
45. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.
46. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

MORE THAN FIFTY WAYS TO GET RID OF BLIND DATES (and other social catastrophes)

1. At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it.

2. Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table.

3. Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.

4. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.

5. Repeat every third third word you say say.

6. Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous" for your high school yearbook.

7. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.

8. Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly.

9. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they are talking about.

10. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.

11. Order a bucket of lard.

12. Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.

13. Howl and whistle at womens' legs, especially if you are female.

14. Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.

15. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about themselves.

16. Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme.

17. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.

18. Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than they do.

19. Drool.

20. Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs.

21. Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you.

22. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her "What in the hell took you so long in the restroom?!?"

23. Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.

24. Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.

25. Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the subject up.

26. Ask your date how much money they have with them.

27. Order for your date. Order something nasty.

28. Communicate in mime the entire evening.

29. Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, where you have a you have a good view of all exits, and where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.

30. Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.

31. Hum. Loudly. In monotone.

32. Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements... i.e anything on the table that isn't bolted down.

33. Hold a debate. Take both sides.

34. Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn.

35. Auction your date off for silverware.

36. Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.

37. Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you "never got". When the waiter returns with another potato for you, have the first one back up on the plate. Repeat later in the meal.

38. Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments.

39. Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on tape, and use good judgement in editing to twist their words around.

40. Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.

41. Speak in pig latin throughout the meal (Or ubber-dubber language, or just nonsense).

42. Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Insist that they just need airing out.

43. If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one bite.

44. Bring 20 or so candles you, and during the meal get up and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.

45. Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because it's a lot cheaper than actually feeding her.

46. Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.

47. Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table. Order coffee, and fill the thermos one cup at a time, taking advantage of the free refills.

48. Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little pieces. In a simliar vein, insist that he take a bite of everything on the plate, to make sure no one poisoned it.

49. Accuse your date of espionage.

50. Make odd allusions to dangerous religious cults.

51. Don't use any verbs during the entire meal.

52. Pass the hat in the restaurant. Use the proceeds (if any) to pay the bill.

53. Break wind loudly. Add color commentary. Bow.

54. Feed imaginary friends, or toy dolls you've brought along.

55. Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill.

from jengiggles's dating joke page

100 Ways to Order a Pizza

* If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
* Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
* Use CB lingo where applicable.
* Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
* Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
* Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
* Give them your address, exclaim, "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
* Answer their questions with questions.
* In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
* Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST, FREE-SPIRITED, COST-EFFICIENT, UKRAINIAN, and PUCE.
* Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
* Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's Master of Puppets CD.
* Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
* Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
* Stutter on the letter "p."
* Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g., If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)
* Ask what the order taker is wearing.
* Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
* Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
* Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
* Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
* Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
* Change your accent every three seconds.
* Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
* Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say, "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"
* Start your order with "I'd like. . .". A little later, slap yourself and say, "No, I don't."
* If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say, "Okay, that'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."
* Rent a pizza.
* Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
* Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
* Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.
* Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
* Say, "Are you sure this is Pizza Place? When they say yes, say, "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, Pizza Place, start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"
* Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream GOODBYE at the top of your lungs.
* Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
* Imitate the order taker's voice.
* Eliminate verbs from your speech.
* When they say, "What would you like?"--say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."
* Play a sitar in the background.
* Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
* Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
* Ask to see a menu.
* Quote Carl Sandberg.
* Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.
* Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
* Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
* Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
* Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
* Shout, "I'm through with (wo)men! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"
* Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say, "Where was I? Who are you?"
* Psychoanalyze the order taker.
* Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
* Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
* Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
* Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.
* Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he' fired. * Report a petty theft to the order taker.
* Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."
* Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
* If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."
* Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
* Try to talk while drinking something.
* Start the conversation with "My Call to Pizza Place, Take 1, and. . . action!"
* Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
* Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
* Be vague in your order.
* When they repeat your order, say, "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."
* If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
* After ordering, say, "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.
* Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."
* State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.
* Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
* Say, "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
* Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.
* When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
* Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.
* Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
* Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
* Put them on hold.
* Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
* Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say, "I said, 'sauce smothered with meat'."
* Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say, "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
* When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say, "You just don't get it, do you?"
* When you'ge given the price, say, "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."
* Haggle.
* Order a one-inch pizza.
* Order term life insurance.
* When they say, "Will that be all?"--snicker and say, "We'll find out, won't we?"
* Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
* Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
* While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
* Engage in some serious swapping.
* Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If (s)he says it, say, "Please don't mention that word."
* Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.
* If (s)he suggests a side order, ask why (s)he is punishing you.
* Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
* Order a steamed pizza. * Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.
* If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."

(3/13/98) Spooooky! Last friday the thirteenth I had an exam too...

50 Things To Do In A Public Toilet

1. Comment "Pooh, who did that?"
2. Complement people on their shoes.
3. Introduce yourself to the person in the next stall. Strike up a conversation.
4. Provide 'strenuous' sound-effects.
5. Ask the person in the next stall if there's anything swimming in THEIR bowl.....
6. Discuss the pros and cons of laxatives.
7. Scream " Oh my GOD! What the hell is THAT?"
8. Simulate a drug deal.
9. Pretend to fall in (with appropriate sound effects).
10. Roll Easter Eggs under the doors.
11. Start a sing-a-long.
12. Act schizophrenically.
13. Knock on the doors of occupied stalls and ask if there is anyone in there. If so, ask if they are busy....
14. Masquerade as a door-to-door salesman.
15. Ask loudly "When does the movie start?"
16. Write 'nerdy' graffitti like "Please wash your hands. Thank you."
17. Kick in stall doors, camera in hand.
18. Pour water over the stall door onto occupant.
19. Say "Oops.... missed" while syringing water out around the bowl and under the walls and door into other stalls.
20. Fake an orgasm.
21. At night, switch off the lights.
22. Run around naked yelling "Where's the fish?"
23. Collect a door charge.
24. Ask "Is there a doctor in the house?"
25. Impersonate Elvis. Be convincing.
26. Ask whether anyone can see your pet sewer rat/river python/axolotl.
27. Write essay questions on the toilet paper.
28. Put cling-film (Glad Wrap) over the toilet bowl.
29. Offer refreshments.
30. Replace rolls of toilet paper with rolls of sand paper.
31. Run in, yelling "Free Willy!"
32. Charge admission.
33. Electrify metal urinals.
34. Leave a ladle in the toilet bowl.
35. One word: GOLDFISH.
36. Make a jello in the bowl.
37. Place a sign advertising "Driver's side airbags" as standard.
38. Remove stall doors.
39. Glue seat and cover down to bowl.
40. Place signs warning of 24 hour video surveillance.
41. Make stall doors lockable only from the OUTSIDE.
42. Put itching powder on the toilet seats.
43. Leave a fried egg floating in the bowl.
44. Replace soap in dispenser with custard.
45. Completely soak the towel in the towel dispenser, or the paper towels if available.
46. Make kitty litter trays that fit into toilet bowls. Install.
47. Replace condoms in vending machine with tampons (or vice versa).
48. In one stall, attach the toilet bowl to roof. (Advice for young players:
Don't leave the water in while you do this....)
49. Create a crime scene complete with police tape and chalk silhouette.
50. SHIT.

from chris's humor vault

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