"Heroes"

[Author's Note: There are spoilers in this poem. Also, even though I've never ever met her, I'd like to dedicate this poem to Calis because she writes really good Xenogears poetry and her work is what inspired me to write this one. Thank you, Calis!]

[Addendum to the author's note: I have a confession to make. John Moors and Irwin Kwan are but one and the same person. I posted this poem under a "pen name" because I was not sure how my rough poetry-writing skills would fare in this world of Xenogears Fan-poetry. So, yes, I *did* know Calis when I wrote this poem... but she still helped me inspire it.]

Once upon a time,
I was called Abel.
I was called Kim.
I was called Lacan.
I am called Fei.

Who am I truly?
Am I but one,
Or am I all,
of the lives
That flash past me.

Ten thousand years
Of life dawns on me.

Ten thousand years
Of living in this world.

It felt like a memory.
It felt like a dream.
In that dream,
I was called Lacan.
In that dream,
I loved a woman.
Her name was Sophia.
I know her as 'Elly'.

Before you came,
I knew nothing.

Before you came,
What was my name?

Before you came,
I was not a person.

But then you came,
And called me 'Elly'.

All I want
Is to be myself.
All I want
Is to act as I am.
In my days,
I could not be
Who I wanted
For the wishes of people
Fell on my shoulders.

I had a dream,
Or a memory.
In that memory,
I was called Sophia.
Who was Sophia?
She was not me.
I had to act,
To play a role,
To be who I
Was not meant to be.
The people saw
Only 'Sophia',
And not the woman,
That was called 'Elly'.

Sacrifice.
Compassion.
Dedication.
Justice.
The demands of people.
And they called
For this Sophia
To give them these things
So that they may be happy.

And I gave them these things,
So that they were happy.
I did not want to,
But I did anyway.

Only Lacan,
Knew who I was,
Who I wanted to be.

Only Fei,
Understood my fight,
Was there by my side,
As long as I lived.

Only Kim,
Could see my struggle,
Could help win my wars,
And comfort me.

Only Abel,
Loved me for
Who I was,
The woman, Elly.

Yo, I'm Bart, and I'm your man!
If no one else does it, then I certainly can!
I pilot ships, raid ports, fly gears,
I dock the Yggdrasil in sea-line piers.
I'm a happy, slick, fun-loving guy,
Except that I only have one eye.

Then they wanted me as king.

The kingdom, the power, the glory is yours.
But only if you want it.
It's not that ruling is a bore,
It's just that I don't sit.

I don't want to watch my friends
Fight while I stand rear
I'd rather be part of the action!
I'd rather face the fear!

My dear friend Sigurd, and Margie too,
Help me with my quest.
For they both know that if we lose,
There'll be nothing for the best.

But more important than the world,
Than the battle for mankind
Is that I love my friends,
And would rather be at their side.

I have called myself many names in the past because it helps me hide my identity, my true self.The names have ranged from "Hyuga" to "Uzuki", but either way, they are just masks to hide my true persona.

It still hurts.I have betrayed a friend.But yet, he still asks me to come with him, and not just to use me for my abilities, but because he really wants me around. When I'm around Fei, it doesn't feel as if he is just letting me tag along to make me feel better, or that he wants me along because I can help his cause, but rather, because he enjoys my company, my companionship, and wants me as a friend.

Despite all I've done to him, he will still accept me as a friend.

I wish all people were like that.

My life has been long and involved. First, an Element for Solaris.Then, an aide for Cain, the Emperor, not only of Solaris, but of mankind.Before, mankind would bow blindly to the Emperor, not even knowing that he is there, but now, we change that. We free the people on the world from control, from preordained destiny, from fate.

We give them their own lives.

That is only part of what's important to me.Although the science of it is nice, although the ability to say, "I was here, and I watched this happen" is a right that no one can take away from me, the most important element of this entire quest is not the end, but the road getting there... and the relationships that I have cemented on the way.

I'm Rico.
I'm a big guy.
My skin is green.
My hair is orange.
They made fun of me when I was little.
And it hurts.
Rejection hurts.

I was the son of the Kaiser and his Wife.
I'm royalty.
But I looked different.
And for that, they shunned me.
Made me hurt.
Made me cry.
Made me unworthy.
Unworthy of royalty.
Unworthy of mankind.

Unworthy of me.

I am strong.
But it still does little
To ease my pain.

And then I found my friends.

A man named Fei.
A little, dinky, wussy boy,
But yet, he earned my respect for beating me in combat.
And after that, he helped me find more meanings in life.

A doctor named Shitan.
Should've been a scrawn.
But he was powerful.
And he gave me a quest.
A goal in my life.

A woman named Elly.
Fragile, little, slender, trim.
She looks like a stick.
But it's not her body that is powerful,
But her mind.

And these people made me remember
How much I love my home.
How much I wanted to save the place
Where I grew up in.
Mother, Father, this is for you,
My gift of defending the city.

But home is nothing
Without people you love.
Mother, Father, you made this place home.
But now that you're gone, where is home now?

Then, Fei, Shitan, and Elly appeared.

My sister never speaks.
Not to me, not to anyone else.
My father is a jerk.
He is loud, lippy, and rude.
I wish he wasn't my father.

My mother is dead.
Killed by monsters.

"Billy," my dad said.
But I ignored his call.
I shouted back,
"You left our home!
"You didn't protect mother!"
Ever since that day,
My sister was silent,
Never to utter
A single word.

I thought I could find comfort
In doing deeds for others.
The ‘Ethos', they called it.
So I joined.
And did my deeds.
Said my prayers.

What did it get me?

The ‘Ethos' was a lie.
Created by Solaris.
Controlled by others.
There was no god.

Twice my life,
Had been turned up-side down.

Yet, my sister still looks at me.
My father still looks at me.
And they both look...

Sad.

Sad, like they want to be be close to me,
But I am pushing them away.

But only now
That I think about it,
They're right.
It's not their fault,
But mine.

I am pushing them away.

I don't want that to be so.
I want to be a family again.
Primera...
Jesiah...
I love you both,
More than the world.

Where is my dad?
Why does he seek
Power for the body,
When power of the mind,
Is what counts?

Seibzhen.
Achtzhen.
My father worked
For years and years
On two machines.

I, Maria, feel him, though,
Through Seibzhen.
He appeard to me
As Achtzhen,
Corrputed in mind,
Impure in body,
Dark in the heart,
Nonexistent soul.

But he still was good
In my heart,
Because I felt him
Through Seibzhen.

In the end I had to kill him.

Some tried to comfort me,
By saying that the metal gear
Was no longer my dad,
That he had changed
Too much to be
The same loving man
I knew before.

But I knew,
Inside my mind,
My heart and soul,
That it was him.
I cannot just
Clutch on to some
Distant memory
Of my father,
Some idealized
Version of truth.

Although he's dead,
He still lives.
I know he will always be
With me forever,
Because I feel him
In my gear.

One day,
When we fight for the world,
When we win our wars,
When peace prevails,
We'll no longer need
These stupid gears
And a girl out there
Will still have a father.
To hug and to hold,
To love and respect,
To see and hear,
And not just rely
On a memory.

I Emeralda.
I from Zeboim
It destroyed in crash long ago
Kim was my dad.
Kim Kim Kim!
Kim Kim Kim Kim Kim!

Now, I'm all grown up.
Kim still lives
In the man named Fei.
And I am his daughter.

Elly still lives,
In our dear Elly,
The one that I see
Before my eyes.

Four-thousand years
Have passed with me,
Being alone,
No place to see.

Cold, lonely, dark, dread,
Sadness, aching, emptiness.

No wonder I felt
So hurt, so pained,
When Fei did not
Recognize me.

I woke up
After four-thousand years,
And all I got,
Were questions.

It took work.
I had to let go.
To release the grip
I had on my past.

So Elly I left,
So Fei I left,
And to others I went,
For comfort, for help.

And once that was done,
My answers were found.
I could understand
What this world was about.

Now I am friends
With everyone here,
I love them all,
Including Fei and Elly.

The battle for the world
Is not first in my mind.
It is the love that I feel
For the others around me
That is always
Premiere in my heart.

By John Moors

[Final Note: If you have any comments, I'd love to hear them! E-mail me at johnmoors@iname.com if you liked the poem. If you didn't like it, E-mail me and tell me what you didn't like so I can do better next time.]