My Report on Herbertism


Herbert? Who's Herbert?
Why is Herbert your god?
So what did Herbert do?
So why's he still here?
Goristavistania? Never heard of it.
So what went wrong, exactly?
So what happened? Get on with it man!
Is that all?
What do you mean?
Ah. Well then. Aren't you special.
My Report on Herbertism
The Bible of Herbertism
The Annual Herbert Congregation!!!

This is a report I did on Herbertism for school.



So you may be wondering, "What is Herbertism?" Well, to put it bluntly, it is the religion that I have formed based around a rubber duck named Herbert. Many nay sayers have spouted blasphemy at me for creating it, but I stay firm in my beliefs.

So heres an abridged version of the story of Herbertism. It all starts a long time ago. Go way back to the beginning. Once you get to the beginning of time, go back a bit more. Thats where Herbert comes in. At the beginning, he didnt really have a name, gender, form, and he didnt live anywhere in particular, since "anywhere in particular" didnt exist for another couple of millennia.

For a very long time, Herbert just sat there and existed. At first he found it fun, but after a few eons, he found just existing rather dull. So, he decided to get the first Hobby. He began to create things. Things like universes, galaxies, quasars, planets, asteroids, suns, et cetera. He created amazing species, like the Liaen race of Ritfrit 5, who, when at a protoplasmic stage, decided to skip the long and grueling process of evolution, and became an advanced race on the spot.

Eventually, Herbert became pleased with all he had created. He was about ready to settle down in another dimension somewhere, when he realized that something was missing.

Being omnipotent and all, he instantly knew. He needed the Supreme Practical Joke. So he made earth and put a load of monkeys on it to see what would happen. And, feeling the Ultimate Satisfaction, he disappeared.

The Monkeys, after figuring out how to make baby monkeys, started to cover the Earth with more monkeys like themselves. Then they began eating many of the creatures that were different from them, but didnt have sharp teeth. This practice continued for quite some time.

Herbert became bored again. He longed for the hominess of his own dimension. He decided to travel around visiting his creations to see how they were doing. After all, when you have an eternity to kill, its much more fun than just using your almighty powers to check in on them.

So, he traveled around, occasionally getting lost in wormholes, but eventually, his long trek ended. Then he remembered a small planet called Earth. (Bet you werent expecting that, eh?) He decided to see how the simple-minded monkeys were doing.

To his immense pleasure, they were creating havoc, and destroying their planet. Finally, he had something interesting to do!

However, first he had to make preparations. He couldnt be omnipotent. That would be too easy. He decided to keep all of his powers inside a magical feather.

He then needed to choose a form. He needed to blend in, so he decided he rather liked what the apes called a "rubber duck". Because of the immense blasphemy on Earth, he had to actually be born to take a solid form there. He found a suitable host, a large rubber duck in the basement of a theater. And so, his life on Earth began.

After Herbert had gotten accustomed to Earth and trying not to constantly use his omnipotency, he started experiments in cloning. Because of his advanced knowledge, he was quite successful.

Unfortunately, though, he had an enemy. The Archbishop of Goristavistania had heard from a travelling fortune teller that Herbert would be his downfall. He wouldnt stand for this. He sent his army of evil to hunt down Herbert.

Once Herbert heard of this, he disguised himself as one of the Herbert clones. The Archbishop has been looking all over for him for quite a long time now.

After a while, one of the Archbishops evil minions somehow got a claw on Herberts magic feather, taking from him his godlike powers and ability to leave Earth.

So Herbert has been stuck on Earth in his rubber duck form. I have been protecting him as much as possible from the Archbishop, but its hard.

The followers of Herbertism must believe in the following beliefs:

1. Herbert is the one and only god.

2. Herbert is on Earth in the form of a rubber duck

3. The Archbishop is evil.

4. There is no life beyond death as far as we know

5. You cant let Herbertism change your outlook on life; you have to remain yourself.

6. You must respect other religions.

7. You must respect all rubber ducks

8. You must believe the story of Herbert.


The rules of joining Herbertism are simple: the most important rule is that you must believe fully in Herbert, Herbert's powers, and that Herbert is the one and only God and Creator. You must also fully denounce the Archbishop and all of his evil ways.