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Pam's Story
"What I was, isn't what I am. And what I am, isn't what I can be."
John Katzenbach
My Story
Okay, here goes...
The first time I ever met my former abuser, the first question he asked me was "Are you a Christian?", obviously, at the time I took this to mean that only good things could come of this relationship.
It's really funny how we can convince ourselves that things will change or get better. He was extremely jealous, not only of other men, but of my family, friends, actually just about everything. He was jealous of my past, of any pictures I kept, there seemed to be no boundaries.
In the beginning, he would scare me with stories of things he had done, or thought about doing to people. I really never thought they applied to me.
The first incidents should have sent me packing, but like so many women, I thought it would never happen again, abusers can be VERY convincing. It started with getting hit in the face with a glass, then progressed to terrors unimaginable.
During all of this, he used scripture to convince me that he had a right to hit me, and I BELIEVED IT.
After a while, I was afraid to leave because he threatened everyone I loved, and I believed that too. I endured things that I, myself, find hard to belive that I did, before someone helped me see my life for what it was.
If you are doing any of the following things that I did, please hear me, GET HELP, life can be better.
I would tell my friends, family, whoever noticed my bruises, that I had been in an "accident at work". I would tell my co-workers that I was in car accident (I am sure that with as many "accidents" I had, no one wanted to ride with me, funny my car was never bent up!)I changed jobs frequently either at his request, or because the end result (beating) was blamed on my job (by him).I didn't ask friends or family to visit, because usually a visit resulted in a beating for something I said or did that displeased him.I wasn't sure which was worse, going to sleep, or getting up in the morning, leaving the house or coming back... my day would depend totally on his mood.I began to think it would be easier to kill myself than to live with him one more day, because I was afraid to leave. It was at that moment, that second between life and death that I "came to".
NEVER is it worth ending your life over!
Life is a gift, a precious gift. My self-esteem was at an all time low, I had no confidence in being able to take care of myself. In fact, it took me alot of years and many mistakes to actually be able to do so, I STILL struggle sometimes, but I am here, I am healthy, and I am free! It wasn't until I began to understand the value of self-esteem, the value to just being alive and the simple joys that come from waking to a day that I DECIDE how the mood is going to be, that I realized the worst part of my abuse was not the beatings, it was the stripping of my identity and my ability to focus on my self-worth.
Talk to your friends, your minister, whomever you believe will understand. If ANYONE tells you to OVERLOOK the violence, then find another outlet. There is NO EXCUSE, not one, that makes it okay. Not One! Remember, I am here, just an e-mail away...Take a deep breath, and take your life back. Let me tell you, it's the best thing you'll do for yourself and for those you love!
Stand Strong, and NEVER GIVE UP!
Pam
Below are Links to others who HAVE SURVIVED!
You Are Not Alone!
