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Psychiatric Answering Machine
"Hello and welcome to the mental health hotline...
If you are an obsessive compulsive, please
press 1 repeatedly,
If you are codependent, ask someone to press
2 for you,
If you have multipule personalities press
3, 4, 5 and 6,
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call
will be transfered to the mother ship,
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully
and a small voice will tell you what number to press,
If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter
what number you press, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, turn the phone around
so you can hear this recording and press 9696969696969696,
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget
with the pound key until a representitive comes on the line,
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state yourname,
address, telephone number, social security number and your mother's maiden name,
If you have post traumatic stress, s l
o w l y a n d c a r e f u l l y press 0,
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave
a message before the beep, after the beep and before the beep, wait for the beep,
If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up, all our operators are too busy to talk to you,
If you are mentapausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lay down and cry. You will not be crazy forever,
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.
We hope you have enjoyed our automated service but not too much, oh, look a birdy, tweet tweet."
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