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- Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com. There's
a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the
captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
- Don't eat anything that's served to you out
a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili.
Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?
- Stop saying that teenage boys who
have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky
bastards.
- If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are
keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man , they're pictures of men.
- Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's
how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
- There's no such thing as flavored
water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket - water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored
water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored
water.
- Stop f*&%ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger
label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the
morgue.Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
- The more complicated the Starbucks order,
the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla,
double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," oooohhhh, you're
a huge asshole.
- I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing
"Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed
to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
- Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it
doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli."
The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just
high.
- Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open
of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive
farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
- I don't need a bigger mega
M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
- If you're going to insist on making
movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's
playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the
idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
- No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings.
Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it
for you isn't gift giving, it's the white peoples version of looting.
- and this one is long overdue: No more
bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I
can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I
just want to wash my hands.
- When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months."
"He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
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