And it is Superman, though technically not the same Superman we've all come to know, Kal-El of Krypton who escaped his dying home planet as a baby. This is Zod, who was brought to earth through the Phantom Zone, He's raised by the Kents and eventually becomes a government agent, but apparently being raised by the Kents is not quite enough to cure Zod of his megalomaniacal psychosis.

 

Anyway it was really good if for no other reason than for that one plot twist that I totally didn't expect.

 

Zod is like the Kryptonian Hitler. He's awesome. I don't mean awesome like good, but awesome like he's a great villian, especially for Superman. Because no one on earth really poses a threat to Superman, unless they have superpowers. Whatever your talent or special gift, whatever it is that you can think of, Superman can do it better than you can. But not Zod.

 

Zod is even an awesome nameI like the way it even just sounds...ZOD!

 

In the movies and in the comics and on TV, Zod and Superman fought. I don't know why Superman has to fight everyone or what it's supposed to accomplish, but maybe it's just that he's so much better than anyone else, like when in the Old West, if you were the fastest gun then everyone wanted to kill you.

 

It wasn't like that in Elvis movies, where everything was solved with a clambake and hot girls in bikinis. Girl trouble? Halitosis? Car broke down? Parents don't understand you? Cancer? Cold War? Flu pandemic?

 

Clambake....hot girls in bikinis....problem solved.

 

I want to be more like Elvis, and even more like Superman, but I don't have good hair like they do.

 

 

So I'm watching Superman Returns, wiith Brandon Routh and that hot Lois Lane and the gay Lex Luthor and the guy who played Cyclops in the X-Men movies. Since that movie made like twelve dollars internationally since it's release, you probably haven't seen it, and I have to admit that it wasn't that good. The show Smallville is better, and a lot of ways even Lois and Clark was better (as in, Lois Lane hotness)

 

This got me thinking about Superman and who he is and the nature of his powers, because I found the whole thing implausible and I'm starting to even question whether or not Superman is a real person, when we all know that he is.

 

I think the instinct that we all have to flinch is inborn. I mean, when you have on safety goggles and shit flies right at your eye, you still blink even when it can't hurt you. It's something we do naturally, something ingrained in our genetics. And it's hard to believe that Superman has so completely overcome this Flinch Instinct. What if he loses his powers? He loses them every two or three weeks on TV. Having no instinct or natural tendency to flinch or blink or cover his eyes or just yell "Damn! That's my eye! You IDIOT!" like Napolean Dynamite, it just seems unnatural. And I wondered how an entire planet of people could survive millions of years with no instinct for self-preservation.

 

And then it dawned on me. They didn't survive millions of years, because, except for Zod and Superman, they're all dead. No wonder they didn't believe Jor-El when he told them that their planet was about to explode, because they just didn't care, and for the same exact reason that they don't blink when shit flies right directly into their eyes.

 

You know how teenagers all think that nothing bad can ever happen to them, so they jump off cliffs and surf on top of trains and make backyard wrestling videos? It's the same thing. It's an entire planet of dumb-ass backyard wrestling teenagers who think they'll never die. It's a wonder that they're not all blind and crippled. But no wonder that they're all dead.

 

And it's a good thing that Superman has super-powers, or he'd be dead too. 

 

Beth: if spiderman and superman were having a contest of..let's say, "coolness", which would win?

 

JJD: I guess it depends, like the Dean Cain or Brandon Routh Superman are both way cooler than the Nicholas Brendan TV Spider-Man of the 1970's, though the movie Spider-Man is way cooler than both of them, and definitely WAY cooler than the Chris Reeves Superman

 

Beth: so who wins out?

 

JJD: I think it all comes down to the Dean Cain Superman vs. the movie Spider-Man….so, probably Spider-Man. Though if you ask me the Christian Bale Batman beats them both

 

Beth: i wouldn't know...really haven't kept up on Batman...he's just really cool looking....so i guess on a contest of looking cool..Batman would totally win

 

JJD: You should see Batman Begins…That's not only a good superhero movie, it's a good character study

 

Beth: yes, i've heard great things about it. i want to see it

 

JJD: I like the name "Zod"

 

Beth: for what?

 

JJD: A dude. I wish my name was Zod

 

Beth: lol that'd definitely be different

 

JJD: Yeah true

 

Beth: but why Zod, why not something else crazy?

 

JJD: something ELSE crazy? are you inferring that the name Zod is crazy?

 

Beth: lol ummm...yes, i am inferring that the name Zod is crazy

 

JJD: It's not crazy

 

Beth: it's a little crazy

 

JJD: I'm starting to get really pissed...Zod is the bad guy in Superman II

 

Beth: i should know that. i love those movies

 

JJD: You should know that just because Zod is who he is. And sure he's like the Superman version of Hitler, But it's a great name

 

Beth: lol it's interesting, i'll give you that…Zod Doolittle? that's a little crazy

 

JJD: ZOD DOOLITTLE! Two words: AWE SOME

 

Beth: ok..maybe it's because you're crazy

 

JJD: Am I? Or am I so SANE that it BLOWS YOUR FREAKIN' MIND???

 

Beth: ahhh, it very well could be that. i must be blind to your awesome-ness

 

JJD: It's like a disability. I knew a blind chick once. We never dated or anything. Which is kind of weird, because usually I do really well with blind chicks for some reason

 

Beth: lol yea, that's it...i have a disability

 

JJD: Like me, I'm fashion blind…You're John Blind

 

Beth: I like it

 

JJD: Have you ever had Thai food?

 

Beth: no, but i want to, have you?

 

JJD: Yeah I've been getting it at this place near my work. It's AWESOME I love it

Beth: yea, i need to meet someone who knows good Thai food before i try it

 

JJD: Well I like spicy food though and Thai food is the spiciest food I have ever eaten in my whole entire life

 

Beth: that's what i've heard...but spicy wouldn't bother me. I'm the queen of spicy food

 

JJD: Hey that's weird because I am the King of Spicy Food! All the spicy food in the world bows before me

 

Beth: lol ohh no, it all bows before me

 

JJD: Kind of like I'm the Zod of Spicy Food

 

Beth: not fair, i don't have some crazy nickname to make me look cooler

 

JJD: Ursa…You can be the Ursa of Spicy Food

 

Beth: Ursa...you just make that up off the top of your head?

 

JJD: No she was Zod's gf in Superman II....don't you know ANYTHING???

 

Beth: i obviously don't....and hey, you can't blame me...it's 10 o'clock and i didn't get to bed till late last night and im working on homework!

 

JJD: But still

 

Beth: but still nothing

 

JJD: You are tiresome! Away from me! Or stay...and kneel before Zod.

 

Beth: i'm your equal, you can't do that

 

JJD: No way, Zod rules

 

Beth: lol in your dreams

 

JJD: I'm Zod

 

Beth: and you've just said i'm Ursa, now I rule and you're a stick in the mud

 

JJD: Ursa was Zod's gf, She could rule the world and be all Queen of everything but she was still second to Zod…and I'm Zod

 

Beth: well i'm changing your rules, and i say i'm first

 

JJD: You can't…Or you can, but Zod will kick your ass

 

Beth: nope, you wouldn't

 

JJD: Well now you're just being unrealistic

 

Beth: lol i'm the queen, i get to change the rules and if the rules include being 'unrealistic' in your world, then so be it

 

JJD: OK well that makes no sense at all

 

Beth: it makes perfect sense to me

 

JJD: It's like you're just saying random words that don't even fit together....or not even words, it's like you're making that "wah wah wah" sounds like all the teachers on Charlie Brown

 

Beth: of course, that's what all boyfriends say when their girlfriends are talking, especially when their girlfriends are talking about ruling over them

 

JJD: Are you saying you want to be my girlfriend?

 

Beth: the whole Zod and Ursa, boyfriend-girlfriend thing

 

JJD: you loooooooooooooooooooove me! In a way I am kind of like Superman, or Elvis…Except I don't have good hair

 

Beth: or tight clothing with an S on your chest

 

JJD: Superman and Elvis have great hair….and Elvis doesn't have an S…But then he doesn't need one

 

Beth: no, but he's got the amazing rhinestone clothing

 

JJD: No, just Because he's Elvis

 

Beth: exactly

 

JJD: I need to see an Elvis movie, because Elvis movies are set in their own universe, where no problem is so big that it can't be solved by a clambake and hot girls in bikinis

 

Beth: lol they're cute movies

 

JJD: Cuban Missle Crisis? Clambake....Hot girls in bikinis

 

Beth: your kind of a world

 

JJD: Cold War? Clambake…Hot girls in bikinis.  Cancer?

 

Beth: yep, i'm seeing a recurring theme here

 

JJD: Bird flu? Illegal immigrants? Depression?

 

Beth: clambake…and hot girls in bikinis…i got it

 

JJD: You're so awesome

 

Beth: if you say so

 

JJD: No seriously you and me should get married

 

Beth: and get our names changed to Ursa and Zod?

 

JJD: Nothing that drastic. Don't be crazy. We can name the twins that

 

Beth: oh God, no!

 

JJD: Ursa and Zod....Elvis....I got the kids' names all picked out

 

Beth: yes, you sure do

 

JJD: Just don't question me. Be Ursa. Ursa never questioned Zod even when she lost all her powers and Lois Lane knocked her into the frigid Arctic waters and she plummeted to her death. Why can't you be more like that?

 

Beth: lol i'll work on it

 

JJD: See that you do

 

Beth: but we may be divorcing early

 

JJD: I don't see how this can work otherwise. There is no divorce

 

Beth: you may want to look around for a more suitable woman to be Ursa

 

JJD: You can take your own life in a Kryptonian ritual suicide, if you wish

 

Beth: nah, i wouldn't want to take my life...i'd rather go find another guy

 

JJD: There is no other guy. There is only Zod

 

Beth: no im sure there's other guys

 

JJD: ARROGANCE! IMPUDENCE! Actually, I hate to break it to you, but there are no other guys. Once you've had Zod you never go back

 

Beth: oh please! now you're dreaming

 

JJD: Especially since Elvis is dead, though we could solve all our differences you know

 

Beth: how's that?

 

JJD: It's actually very simple….Clambake….Hot girls in bikinis

 

Beth: that's all for you honey….maybe i should take that ritual suicide idea

 

JJD: That's up to you of course

 

Beth: well i'm sure you wouldn't miss me with all those hot girls in bikinis and the clambake

 

JJD: Well you wouldn't know, of course, you'd be dead

 

Beth: i can assume

 

JJD: Unless you faked your own death like Julia Roberts did in that one movie

 

Beth: true, but that'd be too much trouble to find out what i'd know is going on

 

JJD: It would be kind of hard to hide from Zod's superpowers, too

 

Beth: yea, that too

 

JJD: I guess you're screwed

 

Beth: yes, i think so…i don't like the way this is ending up…you're the bad guy, but you get the clambake and hot girls in bikinis while i commit suicide

 

JJD: It's just the way things work out, sorry. And I mean that in a way that means "Not sorry at all"

 

Beth: yea, i got that