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I should say here that I'm not making any judgements, I don't dislike gay people or think that they're all going to hell.
Except that I know with absolute certainty, with the white-hot intensity of a thousand burning suns, that I'm not gay. And
it doesn't bother me that other people are gay, and I wouldn't be insulted if someone thought that I was gay, except, again,
I would just want to assure them that I am totally not. At all.
Having said all of that, I just think that there are some things that seem gay for a variety of reasons, and here are
a few:
1 - Vampires
There's something kind of gay about vampires. Maybe it's that they bite you on the neck, which is a very intimate thing
and, if it's a guy doing it to another guy, is totally gay. It would be hard to be a totally heterosexual vampire and have
to bite other guys on the neck. I'm not into pain at all, so it would be difficult even to bite a woman on the neck, even
if she was totally hot, but I know I would never bite a dude's neck no matter what all else I had to do.
Unless the deal is that being a vampire makes you want to go around biting dudes on the neck, in which case
being a vampire is the absolute worst thing that could ever happen to me. Because whatever cool things that would happen,
like never getting older and living forever, wouldn't be worth it if I had to be gay on top of all that.
Spike seemed kind of gay and even Angel seemed a little bit gay, even when he was macking on Buffy. In probably the
most politically correct statement I'll make on this entire page, the one thing that made Spike ineffective as a character
was his love of Buffy, which, ironically, was the thing that made him seem less gay.
2 - Peter Pan
I know he's supposed to be just a kid, but seriously, Peter Pan seems so gay that it's hard to believe it wasn't intentional.
Maybe it's the fact that he can be played by performers of either gender and no one even notices, or maybe it's that he wears
tights and he flies around and he tells everyone to clap their hands if they believe in fairies.
Yeah, buddy, we all believe in fairies.
I know that Superman wears tights and flies around, but for some reason it doesn't seem gay when he does it. Because
Superman punches things and shoots fire out of his eyes, and doesn't taunt people and then skip away laughing like Peter Pan
does.
3 - The Sexually Indeterminate Children On The Campbell's Soup Label
Seriously, not just gay, but also frightening.
4 - Super Villians
I took note of it when I was writing this entry, but there's something inherently gay about one man obsessing over another man, even if it's just wanting to kill him. Or
maybe even more so, because for some reason Lex Luthor seemed less gay on Smallville when he was just trying to be
friends with Clark Kent and not wanting to kill him like Kevin Spacey was on Superman Returns. It probably wouldn't
surprise anyone to find out that he wakes up in the middle of the night screaming out Superman's name, and it seems more like
a love-hate, smoldering unfulfilled Sam-and-Diane kind of thing.
Catwoman is obsessed with Batman and Elektra is obsessed with Daredevil, and no one is surprised to find out that they're
doing it. So I don't know why it would be controversial to find out that say, the Kingpin or the Joker were just a little
bit jealous.
Some things are just so disturbing that they just burn into your mind and stay there forever. Dick Blake's website is
one of those things. I found his website by accident one day and I thought it was so hilarious that I posted a link to it
here.
6 - Soccer
I would never suggest that just playing soccer makes someone gay or that all soccer players are gay, because I know there
a lot of people in, say, England, who play soccer because over there they don't know how to play any other sports. On the
other hand, I'm not entirely convinced that everyone in England isn't at least bisexual. That's another discussion.
I know people who play soccer who are totally not gay, and I know that there are insane people in Scotland and Germany
who would kill me for suggesting it, but I think there's something slightly effeminate about a sport where you kick the ball
and nothing else. Or maybe it's the shorts and knee socks, or the fans who are always running out naked onto the field, or
all the gay stuff that happens in blooper reels that you see on TV on Saturday afternoons.
(Update December 10, 2006)
7 - This email
I have been reading your site for about two year not all the time but i think I ve gotten through the most of it
without once being affended untill today! U think that things are gay becuase you don't like them? WTF is that all about?
Gays are hear to stay dude and you better get use to it! Soccers not gay and Peter Pan is all about the magic of being a kid,
what are you about dude? ****STeven
Well, Steven, did you know that using the word "magic" in a sentence is also kind of gay?
First of all, I don't care what anyone else is into, go be as gay as you want. I'm not making any judgements
about anyone. I don't care. Second of all, piss off. And thanks for reading my site! You rock!
(Update December 11, 2006)
8 - This email
Your latest entry is funny but you chose an unfortunately provacative subject. Homophobics make me sick, and frankly
I've gotten in several physical altercations about the subject. I should also mention that people who take pains to say that
they're not gay, usually are. -J
Hmmm...
Well, first of all I think it's ironic that you denounce homophobics because presumably it's wrong and bad for
them to be afraid of you, but then if they are then you want to kick their ass, which makes them more afraid of you.
So, is it good for them to be afraid of you, or is it bad?
Second of all, I personally am not gay. I know this because if I look at, say, Teri Hatcher, I imagine all the
freaky stuff I could do with her, but then if I look at, say, Dean Cain, I just think that if I looked like him I would
probably get to do all kinds of freaky stuff with Teri Hatcher. When God gave out heterosexuality, I got a double dose.
And I may go to great lengths to proclaim my heterosexuality when t his subject comes up, but that's just because
I'm 40 and overweight and single and I can barely get women to go out with me when they don't think I'm gay. I don't
have a problem with people being gay, other than me I mean, and I don't know why it would be controversial to suggest that
dudes going around dressed in frilly shirts and biting other dudes on the neck is gay.
(Update December 15, 2006)
9 - The Wiggles
The Wiggles kind of seem gay. I guess because they're so perky and "up" all the time. I don't have any firsthand information
about them, or their sexual proclivities, but the mere image that their name conjures and what exactly four lean, neat, single
men dressed in flamboyant colors would be wiggling at each other is a little gay. They're optimistic and they're singing and
dancing and they're always encouraging and happy all the time while they're onscreen, but I bet when their ratings decline
even the slightest bit, they go home and cry and drink themselves into oblivion and start slapping each other.
Most children's show hosts seem gay, and for exactly the same reason that the Wiggles do. I wouldn't be surprised
to find out that Mr. Rogers was gay, though the only character on that show that bothered me was the mailman, but that was
mostly because his name was Mr. McFeely. Seriously. Most of the adult males on Sesame Street seem gay, including
Oscar. Barney was most likely gay, even though I'm not sure that dinosaurs were reallly gay although, when I think about it, I'm also not
really sure that that's not why they're extinct.
The exception is Steve on Blue's Clues, who didn't seem gay so much as he just wanted to go into the mudroom
and blaze one with Mr. Waterbong and a little dimebag with a blue paw-print on it.
(Update December 23, 2006)
10 - Cirque Du Soleil
Maybe it's the body paint, or the tights, or the French name. I don't know, maybe it's all of them combined, plus the
fact that gymnastics seems kind of gay even though I know, intellectually, that being a gymnast is physically demanding and
requires more stamina even than being a football player or Ultimate Fighting Champion. There's just something about it that
seems gay, kind of like when Greg Louganis came out and said that he was gay and everyone was like "no shit, dude". I don't
know why it is that we expect male gymnasts and figure skaters and divers, and female tennis- and golf pros to be gay, but
we'd be shocked if it was a football player or stock car racer. It's weird. But let's just say that, if the entire male cast
of Cirque Du Soleil came out and said that they were gay, it would cause as big a stir as if, say, Lindsay Lohan admitted
that she once tried cocaine.
I have a co-worker from Colombia who wanted to buy tickets to the the Cirque Du Soleil, and I joked about how she might
accidentally buy tickets to the "Circus Ole" which was especially funny because when I said it, I found out that that was
exactly what she thought it was.
And if I was 12 years old, I would call it the CIRCUS SO-GAY.
But luckily, I'm not
(Update December 25, 2006)
11 - C3PO
When we first meet C3PO, he's a protocol droid on a rebel freighter, he speaks like a bajillion languages and I think
he tends bar or something. He escapes the freighter with R2D2, and Darth Vader tries to find him on Tatooine.
I know way too much about Star Wars.
Anyway, we're not told who made him or why they had to make him British and gay, though later on in episode one we find
out that Darth Vader himself made him when he was a little kid. Darth Vader as an adult has an English accent, so it makes
sense that C3PO would, but curiously as a kid Darth Vader didn't have an accent at all. The whole thing is so convoluted
and it seems like there are about 20 characters whose lives cross back and forth in so many ways that it really stretches
credibility, but the point is not how much I hate Star Wars, but why C3PO has to be so effeminate.
As I detailed here way back in 2002, I think it had more to do with Anakin Skywalker's gender issues from having to grow up with a name like
"Anakin".
12 - Thor
Back in the year 9000 bc, when folks in Northern Europe were sacrificing babies to pagan Viking gods and looting every
country they could reach by boat, the idea of what constitutes justice and heroism were probably much different than now.
Rather than fighting crime and maintaining order, the Viking heroes tended to lead them in battle to rape and pillage.
Thor doesn't do any of these things. Thor fights crime with his enormous hammer, Mjöllnir. That's Viking for "Phallic
Symbol". And, in his bright red cape, sleeveless tunic, and long golden locks, Thor doesn't just seem gay. He seems like the
Grand Marshall at a PRIDE Parade.
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