Dear Auntie Shoe,
I hate to bring this up, but someone has got to get this taken care of. I work in this like, liquor store, where we sell liquor and stuff, ya know?. Not like in the best neighborhood in town, but go where the customers are ya know? Anyway, there is this creepy guy, with a colandar taped to his head, covered in oil, drinking the daylights out of peach wine. It looks like his finger is busted or something, it's all gangrene and gross. Well, I'm like, live and let live ya know? So what I want to do is help this poor creature, but I don't like, want him to follow me home, ya know, like the lion and mouse story. Anyway, I aonly work there till i get myself thru beauty school, but so is there something like I could do that would get this guy to leave me alone, but then not hurt him? I love all God's creatures like, and I don't want to hurt his feelings, but he is like soooo creepy, and keeps talkin bout aliens and stuff. Like I don't even hear these helicpoters he keeps like talking about? So like anyway, I just wanted to know what you would do.
Concerned
Dear Concerned:
So *that's* where's he's gotten himself to...Thank you for your concern, dear. Someone will be stopping by to pick him up soon. Please don't approach him or in any way indicate that someone will be coming for him. It may scare him off. You've done a great service by writing to Auntie, and I thank you. Just keep an eye on him, and if he wanders off, let Auntie know. Remember, Auntie really cares.
Dear Auntie Shoe,
I followed your instructions to the letter. I staggered into the hospital (That peach wine seems to affect me more than most due to my artificially altered metabolism). Unfortunately, the aliens had got there before me. They looked like ordinary human beings, but I could tell. Multiple abductees like myself can, you know. Anyway, the white coats didn't fool me a bit. Having established that the place was crawling with aliens and government agents, I got out of there as quickly as I could and went into hiding.
I've been hiding out round the back of the local store that sells Boones Farm Peach Wine (Don't tell anyone). I think I've become addicted to the stuff. Anyway, apart from the protection it offers me, it also helps numb the pain in my finger which is now starting to turn septic.
Please help me. You're the only one I can trust.
Yours in desperation,
Asseynasde Neksguy.
I'm so glad you wrote Auntie! I've been so worried about you. Now listen carefully, dear. I've been in contact with one of the people in Alien Protection Services. He was at the hospital the night you went in, and unfortunately, couldn't get to you before the aliens and government agents did. He's waiting to hear from me about you. When he does, he's going to come pick you up with two Alien Protection Agents. These two men will protect you with their lives until they can get you to the doctor. The doctor they're going to take you to is a research scientist who has developed a drug to combat the alien intrusions. You'll be fine in no time, but it's very important that you continue to take this medication for the rest of your life! I'll send them to you, and please write Auntie and let her know what happens. Auntie really cares.
Dear Auntie Shoe,
Hi, I am an Emergency Room PA and we had this drunk come in the other day with a broken finger. The strange thing is he was wearing a colander taped to his head and kept asking if he was being watched. Psych Services came and tried to speak to him about his 'watchers' when he freaked out and ran.
When security tried to stop him, he slipped away because apperently he was covered in vasoline, and they couldn't hold on to him. My question is, as a medical proffesional, do i have an obligation to track this nut down and help him?
Signed,
Hope he is OK
Dear Hope,
Auntie is *so* happy you wrote. Yes, dear, you do have an obligation to track this young man down. Take two big men from Alien Protection Services (orderlies from Psych Services), and explain to him that his friend, Auntie, sent you to help him. Tell him that the Alien Protectors (orderlies) will protect him from further abductions, and that you've been working on a breakthrough medication (psychotropics) to protect abductees from being put through any further torture it'll stop the hallucinations). Then take him to the Director of Alien Protection Services (the psychiatrist) and explain the situation to him. I'm sure he'll know what to do (he'll drug him to the gills).
One more thing...The young man only lives a few blocks from your hospital. Just look for the black helicopter circling, and you'll have no problem finding him. Please let me know how it goes.
Dear Auntie Shoe,
Since I was very young, the sliver of metal implanted in my jaw has caused me to be repeatedly abducted by aliens. The almond-eyed devils perform unspeakable operations. Only last week I was taken on board their craft and fitted with an anal probe. I can't go to the police or anyone in authority because they are all in on it. This regular abduction is giving me a rather nervous disposition and causes me to have accidents.
Yesterday I was opening my front door. I looked up to watch the black helicopter hovering silently nearby and trapped my finger in the door. I can't go to a doctor or hospital to get this seen to as they will undoubtedly inject me with alien DNA. I think it may be broken. Is there anything I can do to help fix up my finger without seeking professional medical advice?
Yours in pain,
Asseynasde Neksguy.
Auntie understands completely, and is ready and willing to help. As a multiple abductee, you know how tricky these aliens are, and that the conspiracy reaches into the deepest parts of the little known World Government. These men and women, have not been voted into office, and are not known to the general public, but they make decisions that affect us all. They alone are responsible for the global cover up of alien visitation and the abduction of our citizens. Fortunately for you, there are steps you can take to protect yourself. At least long enough to go to an emergency room to get that finger taken care of.
First of all, you need to buy a metal collander. You can find one at any grocery or department store. Take the collander, and attach aluminum foil to one leg of the collander, and bring it across, diagnolly to the other leg. Do the same with the other two legs. Next, place it on your head and wrap duct tape around it and under your chin. This will ensure that it will not come off. This is important. The collander and foil will ensure that the signals emitting from the micro chip in the back of your neck does not send a signal to the monitoring station in the black helicoper hovering over your house. The collander will trap the signal, and the foil will keep it in a continuous, rotating cycle.
OK, now this is *very* important. You must drink at least two bottles of Boones Farm Peach wine, and coat your entire body with a thin layer of vaseline. A little know face is the formaldehyde found in Boones Farm, working in conjunction with the petroleum distillates in the vaseline, will kill any alien DNA anyone tries to inject into you.
Now, dear, go to your local emergency room and take care of that finger. Not taking care of it can lead to septic shock. If you go into septic shock, then you're at the mercy of the alien-abductors-flying-around-in-a-black-helicoper-over-your-house. This way, you at least have a good chance of surviving it.
Good luck, dear, and let Auntie know how it goes. You know Auntie really cares.