Secondary Survivors: 
The importance of partnership in healing after rape or sexual abuse

Secondary survivors may be confused about the role they can play in their loved one's healing.  They may think it best if they don’t "interfere"; they may think that pretending there is no problem will make it go away; they may believe that their loved one is better off forgetting the assault or abuse she suffered.  Inside, a secondary survivor is likely to feel anger, pity, or confusion regarding a loved one's pain.  He or she might not understand why the survivor seems to need to talk about what happened.  He or she might not understand why the survivor seems to pretend nothing happened at all!  The truth is that there is no hard and fast rule to how survivors react to rape or abuse.  But there is one rule for secondary survivors – BE SUPPORTIVE.  This may involve talking about things that make you uncomfortable.  It may mean helping to draw your loved one out, helping her to understand that she bears no guilt or shame, and that the assault or abuse was not her fault.  It may mean understanding when your loved one doesn't want to be touched in a sexual way; it may mean attending therapy sessions with your survivor, or alone.  It may mean helping your loved one to cope with eating disorders or rape trauma syndrome. 

Below, you'll find some tips on what to do to help your loved one.  Remember, your survivor needs you.  She doesn't necessarily need you to be strong, or to be angry for the pain she's going through.  She needs You.        

Believe the survivor:

Sometimes survivors have a hard time believing what happened.  A survivor may be in denial; she may pretend that nothing happened, or she may pretend that it was a consensual, if violent, encounter.  A survivor may even repress memories of her abuse or assault.  These are coping mechanisms – she is dealing with the trauma in what seems like a safe way.  Unfortunately, denial and repression only cause more problems later on.  Let your survivor know that you are willing to hear what she has to say.  Let her know that you believe her, that you understand that her pain is very real and that though it isn't easy, you are willing work with her for healing.

Learn about sexual abuse/rape and learn about the healing process:
Talk to survivors and secondary survivors.  There are many great Internet resources where you can meet others who have faced what you and your survivor are facing.  The more you know about the aftermath of rape/incest/sexual abuse, the better prepared you'll be for helping your loved one through the process of healing.

Allow the survivor to express her emotions, even if they seem negative:
Rage, fear, grief – all are natural responses to sexual assault or abuse.  Your loved one needs to express these feelings, not repress them.  Give her the safe, healthy, communicative environment she needs in order to express her feelings.

Reiterate that it is not the survivor's fault:
Abuse or rape is always the fault of the perpetrator.  No one ever asks to be raped or abused – it doesn't matter what she said, what she wore, or where she was.  It was not her fault.

Be compassionate:
There is nothing more validating than having someone express empathy for your pain.  If you feel sad or angry for your survivor, tell her so. 

Honor the process:
Healing is a slow process, it has many steps and many facets.  Honor your survivor's efforts to heal.  Do anything you can to help her move to the next level of her healing.

Recognize suicidal tendencies and behaviors:
Sometimes the pain of rape or abuse is so present and so inescapable that the survivor may feel suicidal.  Learn to recognize the signs of deep depression or suicidal behavior.  Encourage your survivor to seek professional help should any of the signs develop..

Don't refer to the survivor as a victim:
Being thought of as a victim may reinforce feelings of helplessness that your survivor is trying to overcome.  Refer to her as a survivor.  The word is very empowering.

Accept change:
As your survivor heals, she may change, and as a result, your relationship may change as well.  Remember that the changes are necessary.  You may find that the quiet, soft spoken person you knew is replaced by a vocal leader as the healing process progresses.  Also try to recognize beneficial changes and separate them from detrimental ones – if your survivor changes in unfavorable ways, she may be in need of professional help.

Recognize harm:
Sexual abuse and assault are never value-neutral experiences.  They are never positive ones.  They are only harmful.  Never refer to your survivor's assault as a "lesson", as a "learning experience" or as anything that can be construed as constructive.  It is not constructive!  The only constructiveness that comes from assault is the healing experienced afterwards.

Encourage the survivor to get support:
Encourage the survivor to reach out – to you, to other family members, to counselors or therapists.  She does not have to be alone, there are many wonderful resources for survivors of rape or abuse.  Your survivor deserves all the support she can get, and so do you.  If you need support as your survivor heals, don't be afraid to seek it for yourself!