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One of the most difficult things to do after being assaulted
or abused is to open yourself to intimate relationships. For women, especially, this is a trust issue. Intercourse, from the
female point of view, is a very penetrative act, and trust is a large factor in choice of partner. Because the ability to
trust is often destroyed by rape or abuse, opening your heart and body to someone becomes very difficult.
During my recovery
period, I suffered from debilitating flashbacks during intimacy. Sex became problematic because I was never in the mood for
it, and even when I did manage to get there, I often couldn't bring myself to respond the way my husband hoped or expected.
Intercourse was always painful, so I avoided it when I could. Being touched also presented a problem, because touching was
a trigger for me and brought on flashbacks.
Things improved drastically when I first told my husband a little about my
abuse. I downplayed the entire incident, not really mentioning much about what had happened, but explaining away my nervousness
and rigidity. He became more tender and responsive to my needs, and I began to enjoy our physical intimacy. It wasn't until
I told him the entire story, however, that I lost all my inhibitions regarding sex. That's not to say that I don't still have
flashbacks, but I don't have them anymore when I'm intimate with my husband.
Emotional relationships also become difficult
in the aftermath of abuse or assault. The survivor has a feeling of isolation or detachment that makes it hard to connect
with her loved ones. It often seems impossible to be supportive of someone else when you're in such mental distress yourself.
Also, there is a tendency by non-survivors to assume that after a short period of time, the survivor should just put the attack
behind her and get on with life. Unfortunately, healing doesn't work that way. Because rape, abuse and incest are so traumatic,
the after effects of them stay with you for a long time. Just forgetting about the incident doesn't work, because oftentimes,
the intrusive memories and nightmares won't let you forget. Rape and abuse should not be ignored. It is important to the mental
and emotional health of the survivor to be able to talk about the incident in a safe, supportive environment. Sometimes the
survivor can get that environment at home, sometimes she should seek out counselling, therapy, or a support group. The ability
to release emotions regarding the attack is priceless -- without that pressure inside, healing becomes possible.
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