Two for Each One
You think the last six Tuesdays have been big? No! This Tuesday is big. Huge big. Real big. Extra…special…big. We only have four kids left and they haven't changed the rules lately, so one of them is definitely going home. Did somebody just shout out Nikki? Keep it down back there! She's made it this far, and not by accident. I think. Regardless, she's here and tonight's show is very big. (see above)
Time for the…dramatic intro! Bum-bah! Do you think my intro to the dramatic intro was dramatic enough? Just a little something I'm working on. Anyway, our baritoned friend tells us that last week you made RJ cry. Nikki too. You jerks! I hope you're happy with yourselves.
Seacrest comes bursting out to start the show, and apparently he spent the entire day in one of those dimly-lit coffee bars that pretty people in SUVs love so much, because he is absolutely wired. He comes running out across the stage and doesn't stop at the edge. He just jumps down and flies around in the crowd. He's like a European game show host. So zany! 
Dunkleman comes casually strolling out at a normal, human pace. By the time he reaches center stage, Seacrest has completed two full laps around the studio and ran back onstage to join his friend. And he's not even out of breath. Seacrest says, "I thought you were gonna run with me." Dunk's look says, "No, of course not. Halfwit."
It seems like Ryan was too jacked up for tonight's show to even dress himself properly. His monstrous collar is all over the place, and his shirt cuffs stick out a good six inches from his too-short jacket sleeves. Maybe this is a new trend and nobody called me about it. Also, he has two pockets on the right side of his coat.
Let's meet the judges! Our very own crop circle, Randy Jackson. I've thought about that line for a while now, and I just don't get it. Randy's kinda big. Crop circles are big. That's where the similarities end. Tonight, Randy is wearing a shirt with "EU" on it in massive letters. I think it's really nice that he's showing some support for the European Union during this horrible flooding.
Paula is wearing a hat she stole from a Hanna-Barbera cartoon character. I can't remember which one. Sillycat? Wackydog? One of the Josie and the Pussycats? Somebody like that.
And now, the president of the Simon Cowell fan club, Simon Cowell. I think the president of my fan club might be IloveJJ. Or perhaps JJisGod. The early balloting is pretty tight right now. And no, I am neither of those people. Dunk notices Simon's new haircut and tells him to sue his barber. And the quest for the ultimate AMERICAN IDOL catchphrase, the line to put on coffee mugs and glittery bumper stickers, continues. 
Now let's give the kids some training on how to deal with media crews and the press. How do we do that, you ask? Why, send them to a media outlet, of course. The kids pop by the sunny and fun offices of YM Magazine for pointers on how to deal with YM Magazine. The basic lesson? Stand still for pictures. Smile. Be nice. Valuable lessons, all.
During the clip of Tamyra with the staff at YM, we find out that she wants to do some skydiving or whitewater rafting for her photo shoot. She must've knocked off a liter of Mountain Dew before this meeting. Xtreme!
Tamyra comes out, and her first song tonight (They'll be singing two tonight. I don't know why I didn't mention that earlier. Too busy being hilarious, I suppose.) is "New Attitude". She has new hair too. Tamyra seems more interested in getting the audience to dance than actually singing. She's performing too much to even get the mic to her mouth. But her voice is so weak during this number that she needs the mic just about inside her mouth. She certainly does have a new attitude. That of overly-rambunctious, average singer. I'd advise her to ditch it for the second song tonight. And you know how much people listen to me.
Randy says he's worked with Patti LaBelle, and he's not sure that song worked for Tamyra. Dunk advises him to pick up that name he just dropped. Sassy!
Overall, the judges weren't thrilled with Tamyra. I think they held back a bit on their comments to protect their investment's psyche. Thankfully, for her sake, she has another song tonight, or else it might be bag-packing time.
Sitting with the mighty hosts, Tamyra wishes another brother "Happy Birthday". She probably has to do that every week with as many kids as the Grays have.
During Nikki's meeting with the pretty people magazine staff, she wants to make it clear that her hair is red, not pink. She's not trying to copy Pink. I suppose she's trying to copy a singer named Red, then. To prove her point, Nikki's hair is all red tonight. 
Some of you, at least two, might be wondering why I haven't declared a crush for Nikki yet. Well, frankly, I'm frightened of her. She lives a little faster than I usually do. I don't think it would be a good match for my physical safety. I'm very soft.

Nikki comes out wearing neopolitan-flavored pants to sing "Mary Jane", a nice slow song. But she yells the sensitive parts. Can you imagine taking her to Inspiration Point? "Nikki, I love you, I think." "OH! RICHIE! I! LOVE! YOU! TOO!" "Geez, calm down, baby. I said 'I think.'" Despite the high volume, Nikki sounds pretty good tonight. Really. It's touching. Her voice is strong and on point. I like it. That's one for her.
Randy says it was okay. Paula says she found her comfort zone. Simon says…that was "fabulous". On fabulous, the crowd erupts in applause. Man, I wish I could move people with my words. Simon says this song is what Nikki's all about and Randy should wash out his ears. Randy snaps back. Dunk says, "Girls, you're both pretty." Gosh, that appearance on Leno has him all gassed up.
Now Kelly meets with the magazine staff. There's no muddy river flowing through the YM offices, so she might have to try something different. One of the gals at YM, either the "Beauty Editor" or the "VP of Beauty" or whatever, says that Kelly has, "Girl next door tendencies." Huh? What does that mean? That she likes to bake pies and let them cool on the windowsill? And the woman said the comment like it was criticism. I don't get it. I guess this is why I don't read YM. And also because I don't care what Devon Sawa named his dog.
Buckle up, West Hollywood, it's raining men, says Dunkleman. He is scorching tonight! Finally. For those of you not in the know, West Hollywood is one of the largest gay communities in the country. Not a joke, just information.
Kelly is very energetic, as always. I like her Old West outfit too. Madame Kelly Clarkson, you might say. If she had a garter on her thigh right now, she'd be all set.
Randy says that was amazing. Paula says her voice is bigger than two weathergirls put together. Her personal "comedy" writer leaves the studio to go cash his $5,000 check for that line. Bitter? Who, me? Get outta here! I'm solid, brother!
Seacrest hops out of his seat and prances around while yelling, "It's raining men!" Gay men across the country think, "Yes! He's one of us!" Everybody else thinks, "God, what a dork." The guy backstage who gave Seacrest whatever he had before tonight's show thinks, "Oh, man. I'm in trouble."
The folks at YM say that Justin will have to deal with the heartthrob factor. Yeah, that's a tough one to cope with. But if he needs some tips, I'll explain to him how I've dealt with that since I was 12.
"Get here. And buy lots of denim." This is the song that got Paula all mushy during Justin's earlier auditions. I know it's hard to picture her that way, but believe me. Justin's doing a good job tonight. No cheese, no winking, no dancing. Just solid voice work. Justin's dad, Smokey Robinson, points at him violently after the song. "Justin! Justin! You're Justin!" is what I assume he's saying.
Randy liked it. Paula says his sincerity made the song. Simon says that's why you're here. So there you have it.
"Feel the fire," grimaces Seacrest. Here comes Tamyra in a nice, vampy outfit. Hot. All of the performance and "Let's dance! C'mon! Get up!" stuff is gone. Good. Now, she's just focusing on great, soulful singing. I wish I had a woman right now I could smooch. This song is really reaching me. Or maybe that's just simple loneliness. A jaded life is an empty one, friends. Anyway, I really like Tamyra's second effort. She may have rolled a gutterball the first time, but she definitely picked up the spare. Anyone here a fan of clichéd bowling references? I sure hope so.
However, I'm not on the judges' panel, so let's see what the pros say. Randy says that's the Tamyra he's grown to love. Paula lumps her in with Whitney and Celine. I know that's intended as a compliment, but saying somebody is like Celine Dion is a nuclear insult in my book. Man, I hate that peanuthead. Simon says that Tamyra is world class.

Now, Seacrest introduces Nikki's next song like a cheesy radio personality might. Which he is. So it was very easy for him. Nikki comes out dressed in ripped denim. Dangerous! It's very possible that her denim was ripped just five minutes ago in a brawl backstage. 
Her voice is a little weaker this time. Wait! Yelling! That'll make up for it, I guess. She should've sung "Black Velvet", just because I haven't heard it in so long. Whatever happened to that chick? Samantha something? "Black Velvet and that slow Southern style!" Hmm. I think this is a lot like her last three performances. So expect some similar judge comments coming up. Randy's turn. Nikki, Nikki, Nikki. Finally, "The perfect song for you." Paula says it was the right song and her magic moment. Simon says she absolutely proved she belongs here.
Dammit! Can I ever get a prediction right? Okay, how's this? I predict that I never make another prediction again. I can't keep putting myself out there like this.
Dunk says we should go to a break. Ryan says, no, don't go. Okay, go. No, don't. The music screeches to a stop. Whoever this Bruce is, he's going nuts right now. Seacrest jumps into the audience again. Did this guy knock off a sixer of Red Bull before the show? He has a young girl in the audience take us into the break. Thanks. That was really worth it. For her.
We're back, and Seacrest hasn't calmed down yet. We get another goofy DJ intro for Kelly's second song. Also, the twelfth caller wins $98.70 from 98.7, the rockinest hits ever!

Kelly comes out wearing a $9 million necklace from Harry Winston of Beverly Hills. Or maybe it's fake. She has a nice, black cocktail dress on. I'd feel pretty comfortable with her on my arm at a swanky dinner party. And, of course, she'd feel awkward with her goofy date who never shuts up, and doesn't own a sportcoat that matches any of his pants.
We get yet another powerful performance from Kelly. She's completely in command of her voice and notes. I'm tired of people saying Kelly will just be a country singer. Why limit her? There's no style of music she can't handle. She's the exact opposite of me. In many ways. 
Somebody runs up to the stage and gives Kelly a teddy bear in cowboy clothes. I quickly dub the fuzzy little guy Roy Rogbears. I'm so cute and clever!
Randy and Paula loved Kelly's performance. Simon is blown away. He thinks she's up there with Celine and Mariah. So maybe Kelly will marry her 65-year old business manager. Or maybe the head of a record company.
Let's take a look at the kids in the studio as they each record the single to be released a few weeks after the show. You know, I always get a kick out of those fuzzy mic screens. That's not a joke. Obviously. Just a simple observation from your buddy.
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Justin comes out now in a vest and jeans that have been worn out in the thighs. The vest does a great job of showing off Justin's excellent farmer's tan. For the second go-round, Justin's corn is back in full effect. I guess if you sing a Michael Jackson song, you have to dance. Problem is, Justin can't dance. At all. He moves like a scarecrow. And they're not very fluid if you didn't know.
Randy isn't so sure if that was his favorite Michael performance. Paula says right, it's a Justin performance. Sigh. Simon starts off with, "Oh, God." This should be interesting. Simon says it wasn't great and Justin is lucky he sang the first song so well. This was just a bad Michael Jackson impersonation. "Especially the dancing," I chime in from homebase.
Justin walks over to the hosts, but Dunk says hold on, Paula has something else to add. "After tonight, it's been proven that Simon would critique a suicide note." Another $5,000 check gets cashed. They paused the show for that? Simon says Paula should sue her new comedy writer. Let me make something clear: it's not me. I may not be funny, but I'm not that bad. Or maybe I am. I dunno. I can never tell. 
Anyway, expect a snappy retort from Paula back to Simon. Tomorrow. After she's had time to confab with her pro pundit for some more yuks. Maybe they should get her one of those plastic earpieces broadcasters use. Then, whenever Simon bags on her, she can touch her ear, listen carefully to whatever Johnny Hilarious is feeding her from backstage, then say, "Simon would even criticize a newborn." Ha. Terrific. Thank you. 
Coming back from the clips of tonight's songs, Seacrest is on his knees. I'll let you handle your own joke here. I don't work blue, kids.
After they sign off, Seacrest does a crazy little jig. Man, this cat is revved up tonight. He's dancing for his Lucky Charms right now. I dunno. Somethin'. Somebody bring that guy down before he crashes. Fill his dressing room with pillows so he can just lay down anywhere.
So now the show is over and I'm going to get two predictions wrong. The first is my prediction that I won't make any more predictions. Still following? Good. The second is that Justin will get cut tomorrow. I don't know why I think that. All I can say is there are four people left, one has to go, everybody was good tonight, and I don't know what the hell I'm talking about anyway.

Source:  http://www.idolonfox.msn.com

What? Who? You're sure now?
Okay, do we think we're all ready for this? Are we settled? Comfortable? Prepared? Something big is bound to happen tonight, and even if it's Nikki getting cut, which a lot of people are expecting, completely unaware of recent history, that still qualifies as something.
So, it's time for the dramatic intro, the normal start to this column, mainly because I can never think of anything more clever. "The final four performed like never before." And later, they'll settle the score and head for the door while asking for more. "Tonight, four become three on…AMERICAN IDOL!" And then three become two! And two become one! Oh my! The pressure! By the way, you and I? Our hearts beat as one. Damn, I'm romantic, baby.
Hey! Where are the hosts? Are they afraid to come out because I'm always ragging on their rags? Frankly, I should be more ashamed of that than they should. Oh, there they are. Hiding in the audience. As they walk down the steps, Dunk says, "Ba ba booey." Is he auditioning for a job on Stern after this show ends? He can be the guy at movie premieres who asks Elizabeth Hurley how often she goes to the bathroom. Or maybe he's giving a shout out to Howard for busting on him so hard. I don't know. S'weird.
Tonight, Seacrest is wearing a striped shirt that he bought at the yacht club. "You're a fine man, Seacrest, but are you really Foxworth Yachting material? Hmm? Hmm? That is the larger question to answer, my dear boy." Ryno's shirt is a different color on the right side, and his cuffs are another color still. Maybe the lighting is weird in the studio. Or maybe he's wearing four shirts. Whatever it is, either he got a little talking to after last night's show or his supply is running low, because he's lowered his franticness by about 1000%. Or maybe Dunk is rubbing off on him.
Let's meet the judges! Randy Jackson. Seacrest tries to give Randy a little soul shake and misses by a mile. He looked like Clark Griswold asking for directions in East St. Louis. Here's Paula, and here's, "My father, Simon Cowell. And no, daddy, I'm not crossing over to the dark side." Dunk launches into his Vader impression. "Luke…" Uncanny! Simon says, "Okay, I'll laugh." Then doesn't. I think he was being sarcastic.
Dunk gives Simon the scowling of a lifetime. "How dare you not laugh at my joke! Whatever!" There's such anger between Dunk and Simon. Not light, witty banter. More like clenched teeth, dysfunctional family stuff. He truly dislikes the Brit. Especially when Simon doesn't laugh at his jokes. Nobody laughs at this stuff, and I don't scowl at them. Then again, I often like to take the high road.
Why don't we end this tension with some clips from last night? We see all the singing we're familiar with from the night previous, and we also get a rerun of Paula's suicide note joke. I wonder if her comedy writer gets residuals for that.

Now the group is going to sing a medley of hits by '80s songstress…Paula Abdul! The kids come bouncing out like they're in the worst Menudo video ever. Although, no matter how bad Menudo got, they could never top the worst 1980s-era music video. I refer, of course, to Journey rocking out down by the wharf. What a badass that guy was on the keyboards! I would never mess with his plastic ivories! He'd knife me before I could even come close.
You know, one thing I've noticed about these group efforts is that the kids can't harmonize together. They're fine on their own, really good even, but terrible together. It's as if Jordan, Bird, Magic, Shaq and Dr. J. were on the same team, then that team missed the playoffs. They just can't bring it all together. The only time they did was "California Dreamin'." Which makes me think that maybe A.J. Gil's nimble guitar work was the linchpin of this whole operation.
Here's "Opposites Attract," with Justin playing the role of MC Skat Kat. I wonder if Keanu will come out and get a flat tire during "Rush, Rush." During "Cold Hearted Snake," everybody points to Simon. I did not see that one coming. Okay, I did. I was just trying to make Paula feel better.
Tamyra and Kelly try to pull off Kid 'n Play's old "foot touch" move. Next, one of them should try to jump over their own leg. Or write House Party 8.
The kids drag Paula up on stage, and she's quite reluctant to go, I might add. She does a little dancing, but when Nikki offers her a microphone to sing, she runs away like the mic was radioactive. I guess she didn't have the proper time to warm up. We should've told her this was happening back in June.
Now it's time for fun with the Focus. Seacrest delivers pizza to the mansion. I bet it's CHEESE pizza. Get it? Cheese? Ryan? Cheesy? Ho! Ho! Score one for me!
By the way, watching Ryan wash these cars, I can only think of one thing. Doesn't this show have two hosts? Where's Dunky for all this fun? Was he busy? Isn't this his only job? Or is this his form of nonviolent protest against the goofy skits? Maybe he's with Justin, who's also nowhere to be seen. Chances are, Justin's jumping into the pool with his clothes on for the tenth time.
So, it's time for the bottom two tonight. Kelly, you're safe this week. Why is she so surprised? She's heard those words six other times before tonight.
Nikki is crying already. These Wednesday shows are just absolutely gut-wrenching on her. She's cried for the past three weeks now. The last time I cried three straight weeks, I was 8. Okay, it was last month. But I had good reason. Nikki isn't really bracing herself for the news too well. You have to think you can win! Think positive! "Nikki, you're in the bottom two this week." Oh, never mind that power of positive thinking stuff, then. Nikki walks over to the spot marked, "Reserved for N. McKibbin".

Justin. Tamyra. One of you is safe and one is not. And we'll find out…after the break. No surprises there. We're all used to this. Okay! We're back! All of us. Are you ready to buy the various goods and services you saw advertised? Good, that's the point. 
Justin, you got mostly good comments from the judges. Except that Simon didn't like your Michael Jackson impersonation. Tamyra, the first song wasn't your best, but the second was great. Nothing we didn't know already.
And…Justin is safe? Teenage girls across the country exhale in unison. But what I don't get is, if Justin is safe, doesn't that mean Tamyra is in the bottom two? Tamyra? Tamyra Gray, you mean? Huh? What now? Tamyra doesn't seem to have as much problem with this as the rest of us do, because she happily skips to center stage. "La, la, la, la. This can't be so bad. It's probably fun down there."
Paula looks like she's about to cry. She's not the one getting cut. She realizes that, right? Tamyra isn't showing much emotion right now. Maybe she's so used to being on the couch she doesn't know how to react in this situation. No big deal. She's with an old pro. Nikki will talk her through the commercial break the same way a 10-year Wal-Mart veteran explains to the new, 17-year old cashier how the break room candy machine works. "Okay, sigh, we stand here, then, sigh, they come back from the break and, sigh, tell us. Pretty routine stuff. Nothing special."
So we're back and…Tamyra…you have been eliminated. Gwuh? Holy nuts! I'll be back in ten minutes after I've determined whether that actually happened. Paula is completely stunned. The audience boos like a Russian wrestler just came out to face the Hulkster. 
Judges? Randy says he's disappointed for the first time. Back in Georgia, EJay shouts, "Hey! What about me?" Randy also says he'll do anything he possibly can to help Tamyra's career. Paula says it was like watching Muhammad Ali get knocked down for the first time. I think that was her own line. Simon says, in so many words, "Don't worry. My label will be signing you tomorrow morning."
Which brings us to the good news and the bad news for Tamyra. The good news is, I absolutely guarantee she gets signed to a record contact, possibly before the end of the week. If that doesn't happen, I'll sign her myself. And I don't even have a label, surprisingly enough. Although maybe I should. I bet JJ Records would release tha phattest trax, y'all!
The bad news for Tamyra is that it's going to take 45 minutes to hug all of her family members. I guess she can get over that, though.

Really, you can't feel too bad for Tamyra. She's already landed on her feet. In fact, she gave the best send-off performance to date. Her send-off song was better than most people's regular performances. The person you should feel bad for is Nikki. The conspiracy theorists are already taking their torches up to her castle. Let me just say this. There is absolutely no way in the world the producers would let Tamyra go off if they thought the voting was flawed. Trust me. I know because…uh…well, because I'm a columnist and we're all very smart. Except Jim Mullen. He sucks.
You know, Nikki has been in the bottom two about five times now, and she came out clean every time. Tamyra tried it once and got booted. Not a great batting average for T. Gray. My new name for Nikki is "Bronze", because she sorta wins every time. Like a bronze medalist, you see.
So with that, Tamyra has now left our realm. No, it's not the end of the world, but it's still a shocker. Almost as shocking as the fact that people still read this column.

Source:  http://www.idolonfox.msn.com