Jump, Jive and Fail!
Only six kids remain, and the people out there like each one for some reason or another, so the performances get more and more important. Judging by all the e-mails, there are actually people out there reading this stuff each week, so each recap gets more and more important as well. Oh, the pressure! Who will handle it the best? I hope it's me. But it'll probably be Kelly.
You know, without Ryan around tonight, I'm going into cleavage withdrawal. How will I handle it? When will I get to use the word "supple" again? Maybe I'll check out the Anna Nicole show after this.
After bravely postulating that this week's theme would be the '80s, (as in, the '60s, then the '70s, then the '80s) imagine my shock and despair when I find out that the theme is actually big band. I'm shocked because I got yet another prediction wrong, and I despair because I left my fedora and spats at home. 
So, as you may have guessed when I said, "Big Band", the kids are backed by a big band tonight. I don't know if I should admit this, but I was part of the band tonight. Did you see me back there with the tambourine like a lead singer's girlfriend? I was awesome! Give me a pair of maracas and I'm a supersexy, one-man rhythm section! Maybe next week, I'll tie a pair of cymbals to my knees and become a triple threat! But only if the people can handle it.
Anyway, as a tribute to tonight's theme, I'm going to write this recap like an early '30s newsman, like the late, great Rip Kelly. And if there never was a columnist named Rip Kelly, there should've been. Great newspaper name! 
Scoop! - Prez sez Jerries marching on Prussia!
Scoop! - Steel magnates, robber barons say Kansas the next New York! Desolate prairie to be teeming metropolis by 1948! How will Gotham fare?
Scoop! - Bambino clouts 3 in Yanks win! Sultan of Swat sez Cleveland all bums! Cleve skipper sez pinstriped slugger full of "hot gas"!
Ah, forget this. I don't think I have many 93-year old readers that realize just how clever this is.
So to begin, we get our baritone-voiced introduction. Last week, he (at least, I hope it's a he) dramatically tells us, Justin almost went off, and Ryan went wee wee wee, all the way home. Tonight, six try again. Their fate is in your hands. I hope you people are up to this awesome responsibility.
Our favorite hosts come out, taking the long way onstage around the new big band. Both are wearing ties. Both are holding mics. They finally match perfectly! Dunkleman is wearing a shirt similar to one I picked up at Chess King in 1991. I looked so dope at homecoming that year! Ice, ice, baby! I wreck tha mic like a vandal! Light up the stage and wax a chump like a candle!
Seacrest says that everybody is talking about this new hit show, the surprise smash of the summer. No mention of me. Hmm. I guess I'm not that important after all. News to me. Because the show is such a hit, Ryan says he's asking for more money. Dunkleman says he's asking for a favored nation contract. Instead, he gets dead silence. Maybe that joke will work next time. When you do stand up on PBS.
As I've mentioned, this week's theme is big band. What is big band? Well, it's when a band with a lot of members plays music. Here's a demonstration. Hit it! Seacrest does a goofy little dance as the band plays. He looks like somebody's drunk uncle during a wedding. People snicker.
Why big band tonight? Well, as Seacrest jokes, size does matter. I can say that I've been around the hosts before, and I'm three inches taller than both of them. So put that in your pipe, scruffy!
The kids come out for the show, dressed like they're completely unaware that the swing fad ended three years ago. The final bell tolled when Buick used swing music to sell a safe family sedan. So now, the kids look like they're dressed up for a themed school dance. Tonight's theme? Big band, as I've mentioned nearly a dozen times by now.
Before any performances, we get a clip of the kids rehearsing with the band. It's the first time they've sung with a full arrangement backing them. I can only imagine how hokey Justin is going to be in front of the band this week. I wouldn't be surprised if he grabs a saxophone and pretends to play it. 
Another question on everybody's mind tonight is, what kind of video clips are going to fill the time in between songs? I'm still waiting for the day that the taped bit is me on location at the horse track. For the first 51 minutes of the show, I'll give my thoughts on the kids, along with which fillies I like in a superfecta. Then, each kid will get 45 seconds to sing. I'm sure lots of people, besides just me, think that sounds like a good idea.
Let's introduce the judges tonight! They still haven't changed, so let's move on.
Tamyra is up first. We get a clip of her with her little brother. Bwayquan, or something like that. Tamyra has ten brothers and sisters, they say. Criminy! Are the Grays trying to repopulate the Earth? We got enough bodies on this marble already!

Ms. Gray comes out and she looks just like Josephine Baker. I like it. Her song tonight is "Minnie the Moocher", made popular by Cab Calloway and the Blues Brothers. Orange whip? Orange whip? Three orange whips!
During her first run through of the chorus, Tamyra looks like she's struggling to not laugh. What, may I ask, is so funny about saying, "Hi de hi de hi de hi"? Tamyra is having a lot of fun, but it doesn't seem like she's trying all that hard. I think she keeps looking at her friends in the audience and cracking up. 
Tamyra finishes with a big close, but she really starts laughing after the song. So does Simon. What's going on? Something just happened, but I don't know what. Which is great commentary on my part.
The judges like her. Simon can't believe she remained undiscovered for so long. I was thinking the same thing. But about myself. All those years I labored in obscurity.
Tamyra goes over and has a very awkward conversation with the hosts. She's too important to worry about these goofoffs any longer. 
Now up is Justin. The main problem with Justin, I think, is that he's rapidly evolving into a parody of Justin. He's becoming more of the Vegas impersonator edition of Justin that you would catch in the Gold Ballroom at the Riviera. Untied bow tie? Finger snapping? Super smug smile? It's like he's mocking himself. 
He goes through "Route 66", pleased as punch with his routine. Even though he booted a few words and towns. I was surprised to find out that Alabama is between St. Louis and Los Angeles. Perhaps he was too busy thinking about his finger snapping. "Okay…now! Okay…now!"
Justin's performance tonight reminded me of Halloween. Because that's another night you have to deal with big cornballs. I always hated getting those in my pillowcase. "Let's see…what did I haul in tonight? Single Reese's cup, mini Kit-Kat, mini Kit-Kat, single Reese's cup, Dum Dum pop, (thanks for nothing, cheap ass!) 100 Grand bar with a thumbtack in it. Anything else? Agh! Corn ball! I hate these!" 
One more thing about Justin before I go. His lips are gray. I don't know how that will affect your voting, but it's out there now.
Enough of my little rant. What did the judges think? Randy likes him. Paula likes him. Shocking! Simon says that Justin has been "untreated fairly". So…does that mean it's fair to treat him rudely? Maybe Simon was shooting for "treated unfairly". I think Simon got a bigger scare than Justin last week when he was in the lowest two. "No! My meal ticket!"
During the commercial break, the supercute Julie Bowen of Ed tries to sell me skin cleanser. And, as her co-star, Josh Randall, can testify, smoking crack really does a number on your complexion. "I swear, officer! I wasn't smoking crack! I thought this was that new white tobacco everybody's talking about!"
We're back to the show and here comes Nikki. Maybe for the last time ever. Nikki is dressed very old-fashioned tonight. (wink) Except for the wild cherry coif, of course. (wink) She looks pretty hot tonight. (wink) And she's obviously into me because she winks at me every three seconds. Although, I must admit, by the time she got those boots unlaced all the way, I'd probably be asleep. (wink) Of course, I'm a bit of a cold fish. (wink)
Nikki gives a very (wink) rough performance (wink), possibly because she had something in her eye. (wink) At least (wink) she didn't stumble over the words "Hard Hearted Hannah". I stumbled over them all ten times I tried to say them. I looked like a damn idiot every time, as my "friends" were quick to point out. But she didn't trip once, which means kudos for her! (wink) Man, I beat that joke way into the ground.
Randy asks if that song was hard for her. "Yeah," she says. It was just "okay" for Randy. Paula, who is wearing a necklace made of ancient coins unearthed in a recent archeological dig, says she wasn't crazy about the song. Simon says Nikki needed the performance of a lifetime to last another week. She didn't do it. At this point, her family back in Texas probably wishes they were watching on a 13" black and white instead of the big screen.
Nikki walks over to the hosts and says she feels great about how she did. I guess she wasn't listening when they were ripping her to shreds.
Seacrest says the next time you see Nikki could be in a restaurant reciting the specials if you don't vote for her. Dunk says to Ryan Starr, out there somewhere in TV land, "I'm almost done, and I'll take the clam chowder." Then he yells at Seacrest for touching him. Man, wearing a tie makes this guy angry. Somebody undo his top button before he explodes. The last time I saw a guy so unhappy to be on television, he was hammered and on COPS.
So, based on the judges' comments, Nikki had better hope RJ exposes himself to the audience. Otherwise, she's going back to Texas. Of course, that depends on how low RJ goes. She may not have a chance either way then.
Seacrest descends into the audience once again. He's a real man of the people, he is! Let's talk to a guy named Jason in the audience. He's in town from Anchorage, Alaska. Apparently, the barbers up there only cut the hair on the sides of your head. Well, at least those big gold chains keep him warm during those long winter nights.
Christina Christian is up now. We see a shot of her perusing the AMERICAN IDOL message boards. I'm sure she was probably posting something nice about me on there. I know I have been. Also during her montage, Seacrest describes Christina as "Caribbean American". Is that a real term? Are we getting a little too specific these days? Should I now describe myself as Pennsylvanian-Irish-German-Lefty American? Let's tear down the barriers, people!
Christian is absolutely fetching in her slinky blue dress tonight. Although, I gotta tell you, I didn't hear a single word she sang. I was too busy staring at her flawless skin. Even that little chicken pox scar is adorable.
Randy says Christina started out shaky, but wound up good. Paula liked it. Simon mentions that Christina has a fiancé? A what whar? A who now? A where? A what do you call it? What what in the what what? As you can see, my brain is having a little trouble processing this troublesome information.

It's RJ's turn now, and he's wearing an all-white suit. I hope that couch he's sitting on hasn't been painted recently. During his montage, RJ says that the RJ Shuffle is based on the fact that his knees are shaking so bad when he sings. So, the shuffle is more instinctual than planned? I guess I should stop trying to learn it then.
I hope RJ will be able to get through his song tonight with all the moths beginning to flutter around him. This kid is bright! Oh no! The moths must have distracted him, because he just left out a whole gaggle of lyrics. You know, the part you sing? So, in fact, RJ has exposed himself to the audience. As the worst Memory player in history. "Dammit! Where is that one with the red circle?! I know it's around here somewhere!"
Randy says that RJ's song was "kinda boring". Like the part when RJ stopped singing, you mean? Paula thinks he didn't go for it. If you know her, you realize just how harsh that criticism was. Simon feels that two or three singers are better than him, but he did a great job recovering from the forgotten lyrics.
Before the break, we get a little moment of the kids trying to play the trumpet. It's going to be hilarious when they all show up with cold sores on their bottom lips next week. You know how seedy trumpet players can be.
We're back, and we see Kelly's friends talking about her down by the ol' muddy river. Isn't there a little West Nile floating around these days? Should they really be near a dirty stream? Besides, that thing should be flooding any minute now. "Go get our wedding photos out of the basement, Clint. It's raining again."

Anyway, here comes Kelly, looking like an extra from "L.A. Confidential". Or maybe Heather Graham in "Swingers". It suits her well. And, of course, so does singing. She's handling big band better than anybody else. The rhythm, the look, the feeling, everything. Looking at Kelly right now is like seeing a picture of your grandma when she was 28 and being pleasantly surprised at how good looking she was. Makes you like her more. Kelly killed tonight. Moved right into the #1 spot, I think. Well, #1a, right next to me.
Kelly, Kelly, Kelly. Randy, Randy, Randy says you're one of the best natural singers he's heard in a long time. Paula likes her. Simon likes her. I like her. You like her. They like her. Like all around! When Kelly wins this thing and cuts her first album, I hope she gets the friend from Texas that got all the AMERICAN IDOL paperwork for her and treats her to a very, very, very, very, very, very, very nice dinner. Wine and everything. But not until you're 21, Kelly! (A lawyer just wrote that)
So there you have it. Seemed like a pretty uneven show tonight. The big band era caused people a lot of problems. Except for Kelly. And also except for the big band itself, but these guys have been at it for years.
If I had to guess, and it seems like I do, I'd say that RJ is going to shuffle his way on out of here tomorrow. Fortunately for him, he'll have forgotten all about it five minutes after the show.
Bienvenidos!

Source:  http://www.idolonfox.msn.com

So here we go, another show about to happen. As I'm sure you remember from my last column since you pay such careful attention, I predicted that RJ would get the el booto. Wearing an all white suit and forgetting half your song has to be bad for your chances, right? Thus, I feel pretty good about yet another of my terrific predictions coming true.
Time for the standard dramatic intro. "Last night, six sang. But only five will survive. The votes are in, but who is out?" Well, judging from the people standing onstage right now, the answer is Christina. I thought they were going to kick somebody off at the end of the show, but I guess they've decided to switch things up a little bit.
The fun buddies are back, but the ties are not. I guess after Dunk's grampa grumps routine last night, the producers figured he'd better not put anything tight around his neck tonight. His collar is wide open and, sure enough, his mood is a lot breezier. Speaking of open collars, Seacrest's is so wide it wraps around to his shoulder blades. That is going a little heavy on the starch, friend.
Hey, let's pan the audience for no reason, what do you say? Oh look! It's Jennifer Love Hewitt sitting in the front row! She has an AMERICAN IDOL hat pulled down tight over her eyes, as if she didn't want to be spotted. I can only imagine the conversation she had with Nigel before the show.
"Hi, I'm Jennifer Love Hewitt, America's princess! I want to watch the show, but I don't want to be all recognized and bothered tonight. Can you help me hide? It should be easy since I haven't washed my hair in five days."
"Oh, sure, sure. Here. Wear this AMERICAN IDOL hat and pull it down tight. Nobody will recognize you. But before you go, what seat are you in? Row A, seat 14? Great, just checking."
I imagine the second that our girl Love left, Nigel turned to the first Teamster he could find.
"Jimmy! Put a camera on A14 two seconds into the show! It's Jennifer Love Hewitt!"
Our boys inform us that Christina isn't here tonight because she was rushed to the hospital as a precautionary measure for "stress". I guess she already is a superstar, just like Mariah Carey. She's already having nervous breakdowns. Too bad she didn't start stripping on the show last night. 
By the way, we got 10.5 million calls last night. I don't have a joke about that, so I don't know why I even mentioned it. I like numbers, I guess.
Let's meet our judges! Randy wears a shirt with a skyline on it. (insert chubby joke here) Paula is wearing a lace-up top. And Simon still has that pen with the bent metal thingy. What is he doing with that thing? Leave it alone, Simon!
Now, let's meet the kids. Professor McKibbin is wearing a pair of glasses tonight. And Justin's wide-striped suit makes him look like a Dick Tracy villain. Floppo, I suppose his name would be. "This is it, Tracy. You've finally met your match!" "Not this time, Floppo!" Zap!
Now that everybody's here, what do you say we look at some clips from last night? Dramatically, we're told some did well. Others, not so much. They show RJ forgetting the words once again. At least they're trying to help him remember his mistake.
We come back from the clip and the hosts are in the audience. Are shenanigans about to ensue? Not really. There's just another group performance upcoming. Tonight, "Bandstand Boogie".
"We'll go a-hoppin' in Philadelphia, PA. La la la la la." RJ remembers his two lines and gets out of there as quick as he can. 
But what's this? This is no ordinary performance. This is a performance with life! With movement! With sass! The kids walk off the stage and through the audience. Except for Kelly, who stays front and center. Foreshadowing? Hmm? Hmm? 

The only real energy in this group sing along tonight is coming from Justin's hair, which is flipping and flopping and bipping and bopping all over the place. It's taking on a life of its own! And now the song comes to a close. Ah, that was fun. Sort of.
As a reminder, for those of you just tuning in to the show, or starting to read this column halfway down, Christina is in the hospital tonight as a precautionary measure. Between her and RJ, the show has dropped about ten grand on medical bills.
You know, things have been really stressful for these kids. All the attention and praise they're getting. Living in a 30-room mansion with a pool. It's tough. Tough, I tells ya! Seacrest says let's give the kids a chance to wind down. Uh oh. The video screen just kicked on. Something "interesting" is about to happen. 
The kids are bored, so they all pile into a Ford Focus, one of the many Focii they have on hand, and take a trip to the end of the driveway. It's quite possible, considering the size of the mansion, that the trip took 45 minutes. Anyway, they don't go anywhere, and that is that. You know, these kids can sing, for the most part, but they have all the acting chops of Tara Reid and Vin Diesel's first child. Not…very…natural is about the nicest way I can describe it.
Now that all the fun is behind us, let's get to our bottom three tonight. Tamyra, Kelly, you're safe. Yeah, I know. You're very surprised and happy. Nikki? Gee, I wonder. She's getting frequent flyer miles for all her trips to the bottom three. She gets over to center stage and Dunk tells her, "Right here, babe." Yeah, she knows. She's been through this drill once or twice. That's like giving a person directions to their house. "Remember, take a left - A LEFT - on McHenry." "Yeah, I know. I've lived there for nine years."
Why do they even let Nikki sit on the couch anymore? They should give her a special chair on the other side of the stage so her walk is shorter. Save everybody some time. One last thing about Nikki is that she has zippers running up her shins. Is there any possible scenario in which those will come in handy? 
Anyway, RJ, you're in trouble too. Christina, in absentia, if you're watching, you're up against Justin. If she's watching? It seems pretty safe to assume she is. I know I'd watch any TV show I was on. And so would literally dozens of others.
We'll find out who's in trouble…after the break! The audience groans like they didn't see it coming. Dunk says, "Oh, you love it." For once, I agree with him. But does he have to be so irritated all the time? He acts like he wants to be hanging with his friends, but his parents made him come to a family function. "Awww, gee, ma, I don't wanna!" "Young man, you will be on TV and you will like it." "Aww, this stinks."

So, we're back from the break. Christina, you're the third person at the bottom tonight. Could you, uh, please wheel your hospital bed into another room or something?
Judges? Are you surprised at all that the three worst performances last night are in the bottom three? Paula says they're already American Idols. Everybody gets a trophy today! Hugs for everybody! You're all winners! Except for the five of you that won't win this contest. Simon says that based on last night, Nikki and RJ belong there. Not Christina, though. Technically, she's not up there, but you get the picture. 
Word has it, says Seacrest, that Nikki has already packed up a few things to take home. Now THAT'S pessimism! But, Ryan says, rip that packing tape off those cardboard boxes! You're staying! This girl simply can't be knocked out! She's like Rocky! I've never seen anybody take so much punishment! And, in the immortal words of Mr. Balboa, "If I can change, you can change! We all can change!" That has nothing to do with tonight's show, but it's inspirational nonetheless. I'm sure you all feel great after just reading that. Glad I could help. Now go tackle the day!
Now. RJ. Christina. One of you will be going home. And we'll find out after the break! Dunk did a masterful job on the deception tip right there.
Back again from the break, and RJ looks like he's already steeling himself for the bad news. In fact, Ryan says that RJ told him he's definitely the one leaving. RJ, I mean. Not Ryan. And if you're just tuning in, Christina is in the hospital. But if you're just tuning in, why are you changing channels at 9:54?
So…RJ…oh God, here it comes…you're safe! Code red! We got a flatliner here! Clear! (whom-poof) Clear! (whom-poof) Dammit! We've lost her. Time of death, 9:56pm. RJ starts crying. I guess he already forgot that he wasn't cut. Or, he got himself so prepared to be cut, that those tears were coming out one way or the other.
Dunk and Seacrest ask the kids if they have anything to say about the great national tragedy of Christina being cut. Here come the waterworks, in a major fashion. Kelly cries. RJ really, really cries. You know, she didn't actually die. I was just kidding before. But the kids cry and cry as if this is the worst thing that's ever happened.

You know, I hate to rain on the parade, but she spent her summer on national TV. Agents and producers and modeling agencies are scrambling to find her phone number. It's not like she's being deported. Man, let's have a little dose of perspective, everyone! And I like Christina more than anybody in the universe. And, of course, the irony of that last statement is that I now need a dose of perspective my own bad self.
The judges offer their condolences as well, and Paula already hits Christina up for a free CD. The lesson, as always I imagine, is avoid the hospital. 
So there goes Christina, and here come the conspiracy theorists. She's missing because she knew she was getting cut! She got cut because she was missing! RJ is actually 41! (I tossed that one in myself) And now, I will drop into an extended funk as I mourn the departure of both Ryan and Christina in consecutive weeks. Who, oh who, will be the next object of my unrequited crush? Who will be flattered with romantic praise the likes of which have never been seen? Who will be more than a little creeped out by the fact some stranger is fawning over them every week? Oh, the questions we'll ask!

Source:  http://www.idolonfox.msn.com