No way Jim moves on after that performance. Right, Simon? Simon?
By the Jaded Journalist

The first batch of ten. Who's going to step up and lay the first brick in their path to stardom? Who's going to crumble like Mariah on her new "all water" diet? And who will be the victim of our next tortured metaphor? All important questions, so let's get to the answers. 
The kids nervously sat around the beautiful and fully-themed Coke Red Room, no idea what was about to happen. And before anybody knew what had happened, Tamyra practically locked up the competition on the spot. She came ripping out of the gates and made us all wonder if we could start voting now just to save time. 
Shortly after Tamyra, we were treated to the spectacle of Jim and his cavalcade of bizarre mouth movements. Although he was actually singing, Jim looked more like he was struggling with an attempt to chew the world's largest piece of gum. Add in the fact that his singing was flat and dull and now Jim has two sad stories: his parents are deaf and he flopped on AMERICAN IDOL. After Jim's performance, Simon claimed that if Jim won, the show should be considered an absolute failure. And I felt maybe that Simon kind of held back on his comments.
Brad "The Body" Estrin proceeded to give an absolutely unforgettable performance. Unforgettable in that nobody on Earth remembered it to begin with. There's a chance you'll see Brad in the future, and I have a feeling it'll be on a game show that somehow involves running shirtless on a beach.
Rodesia came out, wobbled like your mom after having too much to drink at a graduation party and sang about as well. Simon was none too appreciative of Rodesia taking up his time. Time that could've been better spent trading insults with Ryan Seacrest.
And then…what's this? Sammy Hagar is on the show? Oh, I'm sorry. That's Natalie Burge. Natalie stopped talking long enough to sing her verse and chorus, after which she immediately resumed talking. Natalie gave us a fairly decent rendition of Patsy Cline's "Crazy", which would've been dynamite had this been HONKY TONK IDOL. After Simon questioned her choice of song, Natalie surprisingly had something to say. "Can't I appreciate older music?", or something like that. Simon's look said, "Yes, on your own time, please."
Justinn, the lost Idol. Does anybody feel one way or the other about this kid? He's just there. Justinn's chest was completely exposed, save for a monstrous chain around his neck. I couldn't tell you what song he sung, I couldn't tell you if it was any good or not, and I'm assuming in two weeks I wouldn't be able to tell you his name. Justinn described his look as "rock" meets "funk" meets "soul" meets "nudity". His performance could be described as "Justinn" meets "goodbye".

Now for the controversy of the week. What the sheck is frim fram sauce? After that's settled, what in the world is shafafa? Is it one of those deals like when you add dill to Hollandaise to get Bearnaise? Ryan Starr came out dressed like Britney Spears fifteen years into the future. And she sung a song from approximately seven decades ago. Somehow I'm guessing this irony was lost on the group. This much can be said, though: Ryan is so hot that I'm willing to find out just what shafafa is and give her as much of it as she wants. And twice on Sundays, God willing.
Paula likes Adriel. Teenage girls like Adriel, assumedly. He can sing, he's got good clothes, his hair is long, but interesting. Everything's adding up for this guy. Pretty decent singing performance, things are looking up for Adriel. And if not, at least he got to be in a room with Paula.
Kelli. Kelli's voice has an interesting quality. It sounds good, and at the same time, it doesn't. Kelli tried to tackle a Whitney Houston (yeah, I know about Dolly Parton) song, and like so many before her, Whitney put her head down and ran straight over poor Kelli. Kelli went for the long bomb and the pass fell incomplete. Last sports reference of the day.
Which finally brings us around to Christopher Aaron. Chris seems like a really cool guy. Like if you were hanging out with Chris, you would get chicks just because you'd get the friends of the girls that want to talk to Chris. And if his singing career doesn't work out, he can always get a job as a Gap model in those ads that feature one black guy, one white guy, one white girl and one Asian of either sex. You know, those ads that make it seem like the Gap is more interested in world unity than selling pants. But first, as far as his performance went, everybody liked Chris. The judges liked him, the other kids liked him, the camera guys liked him and anybody else in the building probably liked him as well. A very pro-Chris crowd.
So that about sums it up. We have nine kids competing for two spots, with Tamyra basically sitting in one chair already. Who's going to park themselves in the other two seats? Tension!

Source:  http://www.idolonfox.msn.com

Dewey Defeats Truman!

Those plucky American hockey players knocked off the big, bad Soviets. Harry S Truman actually defeated Dewey, despite what everybody thought. And now Jim is moving on to the final group of ten. What just happened here? 
First of all, the sun came up today and, in other news, Tamyra was the first finalist. This had the nail biting tension of getting a drink from a vending machine. Now that we have that out of the way, let's get rolling. 
But wait! What's this? In a Love Boat-esque surprise guest star move, Tamika is back! You remember Ta-mee-ka, of course. It's possible we'll remember Tamika six weeks after we've forgotten the AMERICAN IDOL. And Tamika is here to expound. She asks the now universal question, "What is frim fram sauce?" Still no answer to that one. Ryan ain't talking. She knows how to build buzz all right. On another tangent, I'm guessing if frim fram sauce is cream-based, Ryan has never tasted it. If her belly got any flatter, it'd be strictly theoretical, like atomic science. Quasars and stuff, yeah!
Back to Tamika. She said Jim "sucked". No arguments here. Cut to a shot of Jim for his reaction and he looks like he's about to cry. Tamika goes on to tell Rodesia that she could've performed "Daydream Believer" better than her. That might be the harshest insult of the night. I wouldn't expect a huge reaction out of Rodesia, though. Last night after Simon told her that he didn't like her rendition of the song, Rodesia went back to Ryan and Brian and said something like, "I guess he didn't like the way I sang it." Right. Thanks. Perhaps Rodesia and Tamika can settle their differences in a hot oil wrestling match nobody will want to see.

So we ask Jim what he thinks of Tamika's jibes at him and he looks like he's going to break down at any second. "You know, it really hurt. I…" Yes! This is going to be great! Imagine how weird his mouth moves when he cries! "No! Wait! 1-800-ABCD…". At this point all I heard was clicks and buzzing as I tuned Jim out. I don't know what the heck he was just talking about, but it was dumb. No way anybody is pulling for this guy. He can't sing and he's not funny. Just like me, except he has better glasses.
And now…the second finalist is…Ryan Starr! Oh, glory! Ryan's a terrific inspiration for all the pretty people out there. No matter what, things will always work out for you. Needless to say, Ryan looks as hot as all get out. She has me thinking very unclean thoughts about her, a gallon of frim fram sauce and a midget named Bob Shafafa. 
Which means we have one spot left. And Adriel, Chris and Kelli all are in the running for it. Whatever happens, two of these kids are getting worked over. And even if one gets the wild card, another big talent goes home. And so…it is…Jim?
Jim? Jim Verraros? Jim Mushmouth? Well, judging from his reaction, he's as shocked as the rest of the nation. He can barely make it to his chair. I hoped Chris or Adriel would say "Sorry, bro, you're taking too long", elbow Jim aside and usurp the chair.
I will say this about Jim. There's not much room in the chair for him because the massive chip on his shoulder is a real space eater. He's taking Simon on one-on-one in a glaring contest. Only Simon doesn't look like a sissy when he glares.
So there you have it. Three finalists down, seven to go. And judging from last night, a million more surprises.

Source:  http://www.idolonfox.msn.com