Three Do Two
Does that title sound hot or what? Anyway, we have a huge show on our hands. Possibly the biggest AMERICAN IDOL show ever. Except for the next three, of course. But at this point, the other shows have been nothing compared to this one. You hear me?! Nothing!
To start everything off, Bobby Baritone informs us that last week, your lack of votes ousted Tamyra. See? It's all your fault! Not the show's. Yours. All yours. Tonight, one mistake could be their last. You have a lot on your hands tonight. A lot more than just cheese puff dust. I hope you're ready.
Insider note of the week. Ian Ziering is in the crowd tonight. With him here, this must be a very special AMERICAN IDOL about fraternities, rich dads that are jerks, Corvettes, alcoholism and the Peach Pit. "Steve! You have a problem, bro!" "Yeah, I know, bro. Not enough parties! Whoooooo! I'm Steve!" On another note, Ian Ziering had one of the hottest wives ever. A former Playboy Playmate. I heard. Somehow, I'm guessing a dude with a blond perm wouldn't normally get that caliber of talent unless he was on a TV show. Maybe that's why they're split up now.
The hosts come out in suits to start the show. Nothing special there. You know, I really missed these guys over the past five days. My life has been sorta empty. Even more than usual.
"I am Ryan Seacrest." "And I am a Dunkleman. Wouldn't you like to be a Dunkleman, too?" Are those my only options? The happy hosts inform us that tonight, the kids will be singing one song of their choice, then one song that the judges picked. I think it would be rather hilarious if the judges picked opera for Nikki so they could get her out of there.
Seacrest asks the crowd if they each have their favorites. Out in the crowd, we see three people holding signs. One for Kelly, one for Justin and one for Nikki. That was some rather strategic ushering.
Now let's bring out the kids! "Unless you've been off the planet, or in Fresno, you know these people." Keyboards in Fresno begin to light up. Or rather, the keyboard in Fresno begins to light up. "Hey! Lay off Fresno!" What does Dunk have against Fresno? Did he have a bad stand-up gig there once? If so, I'm guessing that was his fault more than Fresno's.
Let's meet the judges. Tonight, we have an even matchup. Three on three. Justin, you can take Randy and Nikki can take on Paula. By the way, if you think I'm losing my touch, those are the hosts' words, not mine. But if Nikki did take on Paula, that fight would last about four seconds. And Paula would definitely come out on the short end. Which is nothing against Paula. I think I'd probably come out on the wrong end of a scrap with Nikki.
Kelly, you grab Simon from behind and squeeze his nnnnnnnn…knees. Knees? Seacrest says he had to get a knee joke in there. Really? You think so? Okay.

Nikki is up first tonight. But before she sings, let's check out her return to Texas. Whooo! Texas! Rock 'n' roll! Nikki's first stop is the morning zoo in Dallas. With Jagger, Julie and Slim Jim. They sound like a hilarious trio. "Slim Jim! What are you up to now, you kook?" "Jagger! I'm out here at the Mountain Crest Road car wash! And…get this…I put scotch tape over the dollar slot on the bill changer! People are going nuts! They can't change their dollars!" "Whoa! (laughing sound effect) You'd better get out of there, Slim Jim, before the cops come!" God, I hate morning radio. 
Wrapping up her hometown montage, Nikki says, "No matter how famous I am, I'll always come back home." Gosh, that's nice. You won't forget everybody when you're an ultrastar? Touching.
The first song for Nikki tonight is "Edge of Seventeen." I feel like I should be in a Camaro right now. And my chick riding shotgun would be wearing America pants, much like Nikki is wearing now. Our hair would be toussled by the breeze through the t-tops. Ah, young romance!
During Nikki's song, we're seeing new and better camera angles. That studio must be loaded with cameras now. I'm waiting for them to do the old Matrix stop motion spin around thing that we've seen only a trillion times.
Is this song over yet? Is my attention span so short that I can't sit through a three-minute ditty? Or am I just having trouble sitting through this particular three-minute ditty? So many questions. Nikki isn't bringing much energy to this performance, unlike last week, so look out for the judges. They may pounce! Like chubby, excessively polite or British cats!
Randy says it was a great song choice, but a bad performance. Paula loved the song, but thought Nikki was too Stevie Nicks. Paula says Nikki needs a song that makes her separate and distinct. I think that was criticism. Simon wonders if it's just him, or is Paula becoming very unpleasant? Dunk gives a big, fake laugh. I've caught that from him a few times before on Simon's jokes. Man, does he hate that guy. Did Simon kill his dog or something?
Back from the break, and Ryan is in the audience with a tittering little blonde girl. I can't decide who is more bubbly or less crucial to the show. The girl's sign asks Justin to shake his "bon bon", and the little angelface tells us that means "butt." Boy, they grow up fast these days.
We see Justin going back to his hometown of Philadelphia and meeting the Mayor. The Mayor? For being on a TV show? You know, I'll be doing a tour of my hometown after the show ends, and I think the only person coming out to see me is some dude that wants to fight me for stealing his best gal. Hey, don't blame me for that. Blame this sculpted jaw of mine.
Justin's song choice tonight is "Let's Stay Together." Reminds me of Pulp Fiction, available now on DVD. Also coming to DVD is the first season of AMERICAN IDOL. I keep asking them to let me do a hilarious commentary track for the disc, but so far, no response. Maybe they lost my number. On purpose.

JFro is reaching all-time heights with the locks. And his jacket matches his hair perfectly. Fuzzy and kinda brown. Additionally, he has a long…something…hanging from his waist. Get your minds out of the gutter! Shame on you! What is that, though? Rope? Extra shoelaces? Extension cord? What? Anyway, he gives a pretty smooth performance. Nice. Strong singing. And he didn't dance until….on "whether, whether times are good or bad…". He gives a double body flinch on each "whether." He looked like he was trying to escape a straitjacket. Paula, help this kid with the moves. Please. For us.
Randy says, "Yo, man, that was good, man. Dude. Man." RJ (same initials, remember?) thinks that was the best song for Justin yet. Paula has two words. "Fuh. Nomenal." I thought that was going elsewheres. As of press time, we haven't heard whether that was her line or her pro scribe's. Simon thanks Justin for not dancing and says that was the best song he's sung so far.
Over with the hosts, Seacrest says he didn't know where Paula was going with the "fuh." Hmm. It seems I've made the same joke as Seacrest. A guy I've ragged on for weeks for being corny. I, uh…I don't know what to…uh…let's just move on.
Kelly's back in Texas, and this time she meets Donny Osmond. Terrific. At least she doesn't have to worry about him hitting on her. Kelly visits a radio show as well, and we see that the studio has windows so people can look in from outside. Is this really necessary? Hasn't this idea been ripped off from "The Today Show" enough by now? Are people really interested in seeing folks with "faces for radio" standing at microphones? Are we this bored? Well, are we?!?
Kelly's high school holds a pep rally - beat Atherton! - for Kelly. But no river swimming this time. Also, we get the first glimpse of Kelly's parents.

Ms. Clarkson has undergone another makeover tonight. I'm not sold on the chocolate and vanilla hair, but she looks dang cute tonight. I didn't get a makeover, but I look dang cute too. Kelly's song is "Think Twice." Can we get some slow dancing from the kids in the crowd? Girls, hands on the guys' shoulders. Guys, hands on the girls' hips. Leave enough room between you to let some light through, then gently sway back and forth.
Kelly moves along slowly, then breaks out a big note that completely distances herself from the other two. Pros and amateurs, folks, pros and amateurs.
Randy did not love that song because it's boring to him. The audience boos! Hang on, hang on. But he thinks Kelly was brilliant. After booing at first, the audience isn't sure what to do now. We get some light clapping. Paula echoes Randy's thoughts. The audience, still trying to figure out how to react to Randy, offers more light clapping. Simon simplifies things by saying, "You're the best singer in this competition." The audience is relieved. "Okay! That we get! Let's clap! Yay!"
Now it's time for the judges' songs. "Black Velvet" has been tabbed for Nikki. Judges' choice? That was my choice! I said that last week! I'm finally having an effect! Or, more likely, it was such an obvious choice for Nikki that even I could stumble upon it.
For the record, I know this song was originally sung by Alannah Myles. I know because about 102 Canucks emailed me to say that's who sang it. And that she's Canadian. I'm guessing those last two sentences are related. Also for the record, I looked up the correct spelling of Alannah's name to prevent the Great White Flood of Emails. Did you know that she only released three albums? And one of them is the "Very Best of Alannah Myles"? I didn't check, but I wouldn't be surprised if that disc just had "Black Velvet" on it thirteen times. Ol' Alannah wasn't quite as prolific as Chicago.
Nikki seems to be taking it easy. No energy. Is she tired? It's possible. She looks likes she's lost about twelve pounds since the show started. Are these kids still eating? Shouldn't they have the grill fired up like, every night at Party Mansion? Take one of the ten cars out and get some Thai food. Something.
Somewhere in British Columbia right now, Alannah Myles, full of jelly donuts and Elsinore beer is yelling, "My song! My song!" at the TV. Sweet moment.
Randy thinks that was a great song choice. Ho! Ho! See, because the judges picked it. The performance was okay, but the song was great. Again, because the judges picked it. Since Randy thought you needed to be reminded twice, I did too. Paula thinks Nikki did pretty well. I guess. She wasn't very specific and kinda trailed off there. Simon also thinks they picked a good song for her. But she didn't add anything to it.
Over at Host Central, our boys ask Nikki if she wants to say anything to the judges. She defends her choice of a Stevie Nicks tune because she thought they were supposed to pick a song from their idols. She's my idol. Nikki's idol, I mean. And by I, I mean me. Not Nikki. Nikki, who loves Stevie Nicks and didn't think it would be bad to sound like her. Hasn't she been watching this show recently? That's very bad.
Justin comes out next in a pinstriped suit and a shiny, metallic shirt. He's doing another slow song and giving another good performance. So there's the secret! Maybe Justin should just never, ever do an uptempo number. It'll prevent him from flopping and dancing, and that'll prevent us from disliking him. He could name his first album, "Ballads by Justin". The follow-up could be, "More Ballads by Justin". Then, "More Ballads by Justin 2". Then…ah, you get it.
Justin's dad, fresh out of an important business meeting, cheers him on. Randy says it was a great song choice. Hey! Is he reusing jokes? That's pathetic. That would be like me saying JFro again. Oh wait. Anyway, great performance, sayeth Randy the Wise. Paula loved it, Simon says it's the first time in any of the top ten shows he looked at Justin and thought, "American Idol." I looked at him and thought, "I could go for a Happy Meal right now."
Over with the hosts, Ryan begins saying a line and Justin looks at his own sleeve. Screaming girls in the audience cut off Seacrest, so he tries again. "You know, if you want to wear my suits, just call and ask me." Justin looks at his sleeve again. That was very natural. Not set up at all.
Now, Kelly will be singing "Without You." You mean the power ballad by Motley Crue? "Without you, in my life, all I have is hepatitis!" I hope next week Kelly does "Cherry Pie."
Am I at the dentist right now? Slow song, but still a great performance. Even with Kelly holding her side like she has a cramp from running. Should we even bother with the last two shows? They'll basically be Kelly's victory lap. And remember, when I forecast something, it happens! Right after her song ends, Kelly intensely stares dead ahead, then breaks out of her trance and smiles. That's kinda weird. And creepy. Like she transforms herself from song Kelly to normal Kelly. 
In the audience, we see Kelly's dad, Dick Cheney, cheering heartily from an undisclosed location. You know, Kelly's dad looks nothing like that guy that was hugging her on the couch earlier. Divorce? Man, I sure hope so. If not, somebody has some explaining to do.
Randy says he worked with Mariah Carey. Did you know that? "You did your thing, man." Paula says it was so nice she made the song her own. "Don't make me cry," begs Kelly. I won't, baby, I won't. Uncle Jaded's always good to you. You know that. Simon says that was a tough song to sing, and Kelly gave an amazing performance.
In the high chairs, Seacrest asks Kelly how she's feeling right now. Tired. Seacrest leaves to get Kelly an espresso to perk her up. Grab one for Dunk, too. He's been a little wallflower tonight. He reads off Kelly's number, effectively doubling his word output for the evening.
Before the show ends, Seacrest asks Justin and Nikki how they feel. Is he auditioning for the local news right now? "How do you feel? How do you feel? How did you feel when your house caught on fire and burned to the ground and you just barely made it out? How did that feel?"
So there's the fourth-to-last show, all neatly wrapped up for you. I don't know what the heck is going to happen tomorrow. I'm done making predictions. I'm never right anyway. But I will say this. My mom called me after the show to say she called in one vote for Nikki, one vote for Justin and one vote for Kelly. I patiently spent the next ten minutes explaining to her that she might as well not have voted at all if she voted for everybody once.
Anyway, using my mom as this week's barometer, I'll say that anybody could get cut. But it definitely won't be Kelly and it probably won't be Justin.

Source:  http://www.idolonfox.msn.com

Another big night. Aren't they all? Well, sometimes. In tonight's case, yes. It's big because after this show we only have two left. Two recaps, that is. How will we cope?! Oh, and we'll be down to the last two singers as well. I guess that's important, too.
The ol' dramatic intro. So reassuring. As the important words play, we see a shot of our kids lined up. Kelly and Justin have nice easy smiles on. Nikki looks like she has other things on her mind. Like, "Where's my blue hairbrush? Did I pack it already?"
It's a special one-hour show tonight. So you know what? I'm going to put an extra half hour into this column! Just for you! Will it be worth it? Hard to tell at this point. But it isn't looking good.
Our hosts start out in the audience again. So, they start from the stage on Tuesdays and the crowd on Wednesdays? Good to know. Of course, with only two shows left, that information is basically useless.
Ryan reminds us that tonight is a specially extended version of AMERICAN IDOL. And "I am a specially extended Ryan Seacrest." Whoa. Back on up. And here's the other white meat, Brian Dunkleman. He said it, not me.
Their walk in tonight is the longest hike ever. Where are they coming from? Burbank? Seacrest is working the extra-long shirt cuff look again tonight. Is that in now? I'd better get a copy of GQ to see what's up.
Brian and Ryan chat and chat and chat to start the show. So, the extra half hour will be filled with snappy host banter? Great. 
Hey! Look at that! All of the old kids are back. Even Adriel! Remember him? Even Brad Estrin! Remember him? I wonder what they've been up to. Mowing lawns, I guess. I gotta admit, I can't remember the name of the dude between A.J. and Brad Estrin. He looks kinda like the dad from Family Matters. I'm so embarrassed I can't recall his name. Boy, we really do forget these people after they get cut. Ah, I'm sure it'll come to me.
The hosts finally arrive at the judges table and Ryan tells Simon that he forgot his shirt last night. Then he holds up a tiny black shirt he stole from a doll. I hope that prop fits in the show's budget. Simon smiles, hoping the hosts will go away. Dunk says he'd like to see that little shirt on Paula. Right now! He's a bit pushy about it. I don't think he's joking.
Let's check out some clips of last night's show. Kelly was "consistently excellent." Nikki, not so much. And Justin saved his best for last, they say. Hmm? Anybody order the foreshadowing?
Like the past few weeks, it's now time for a group performance. Maybe this one will be better because there are fewer heads and voices competing for space. And now…here are your three finalists! Well, there's Justin, at least. Oh. There's our two girls. The gang's all here! Love! Love will keep us together! It sure will. I hope you all remember that in today's topsy-turvy world. 
Justin has worn leather pants in the past, which really takes a man of a certain…well, it definitely takes a certain kind of man. Tonight, that kind of man is wearing a leather shirt. Or maybe it's vinyl. Either way, I bet it's cold and feels weird.

Each of our three gets a moment in the front. That's the best part. They still can't harmonize. Maybe they're all in different keys. Or registers. Really, I'm just throwing out buzzwords. I don't know all that much about music. As many of you have guessed by now. Anyway, another nice performance by the kids. Aww.
After the song, Ryan does an awkward impression of the kids' little dance moves. And that's putting it lightly. Then Dunk informs us that love can't keep this group together because your votes will rip them apart. Why do they give him all of the sour lines? Let Dunk spread his wings! Or don't. Either way is fine.
Coming back from the break, Seacrest is whispering with Dunk and the mics pick it up. Ryan says, "Yeah, I'm gonna fight him." What was that all about? I don't think that was supposed to go out on the air. Whatever it is, I hope they were talking about Simon and not me. I hate being punched in the face. I'm a lover, not a fighter. And I'm not even a good lover.
The hosts start talking about how hard it can be to get to this point. Then the big monitors fire up. Uh oh. Something taped is heading our way. Hey! There's Ryan Seacrest walking toward the front gates of CBS Studios. I wonder what will happen. The same way I wonder if gravity still works. Ryan gets held up by the guard at the gate. The kids breeze right in with their Ford Focii. Eventually, Seacrest can't get in and walks away. Hey, he didn't have it that bad. Dunk didn't even get on camera. That's two bits in a row in which Dunk was AWOL. Something's going on here. I'd get to the bottom of it, but I'm busy/lazy. You do it.
So now, let's recount the tumultuous journey of Nikki McKibbin. On the couch, Ryan mentions to Nikki that she said she thought she would be eliminated the past few weeks. I wonder why she would think that. Maybe because she's always in the bottom two. 
During the montage of Nikki moments, we see her getting dumped in the bottom group for four straight weeks. What are they trying to say?
We're back from the clips. Do you want to hear Nikki sing? Yeah! Ryan says this could be her last song ever on AMERICAN IDOL. Man, they're going hard on her tonight. Nikki will be reprising her version of "Black Velvet." I wonder if Alannah Myles is repeating her performance from last night as well. It stands to reason that she's still hammered. She is a Canadian with a lot of time on her hands, after all.
Nikki is wearing one of those bottle cap belts I see in stores. Those things have to be impossible to get through belt loops. This is a pretty good effort from Nikki tonight. Better than last night, actually. It would be pretty funny if she got cut on the night of her best performance. But good for her anyway!
Time for a commercial, and when we come back, Ryan and Brian try to promote something. I can't tell what since they keep interrupting each other. I think they're riffing now. Nothing good can come of this.
Let's bring out Justin! Before they get too far, Seacrest feels the need to run out into the audience again. He loves it out there. Dunk glumly says, "There goes Seacrest again." Oh, that wacky imp! Seacrest's mission was to track down Justin's father in the crowd. I'm glad. We hardly ever see what that guy's up to.
Justin, has your dad given you any advice during this experience? Justin says his pop told him to, "Always smile, because if they're running you out of town, if you're smiling, it looks like you're leading a parade." That's actually pretty sharp advice. Seriously. Somebody should put that on a sugar packet. I think I like Justin's old man better than Justin now. It's not like he had a long way to go, anyway.

During the montage of Justin's journey to this point, we see his first audition in NYC. Man, his hair was way shorter back then. He almost looked like a jarhead compared to now. They show all good stuff during Justin's clip. They certainly don't show him ending up in the bottom three in four straight weeks. Although they did rehash the night he went over Simon's head. When the crowd cheered, he said, "That's the opinion that matters." I'm glad I finally figured that out. Then they show his sheepish, showy apology from the following night. Hilarious moment. And not on purpose.
Ryan asks Justin about the rumor that he's cutting his hair next week if he's still around. Justin laughs and denies it. Not even a trim. You know, that wouldn't be the worst idea ever. Kid's starting to look like he has a bathroom mat on his head.
"Let's Stay Together" again. Again, Randy and Paula start dancing. It looks like Randy's dancing with his daughter. He dwarfs her. Over on the couch - correction, the Red Room couch - Seacrest starts breaking it down. Hip! After the song is over, Justin makes it clear that "I love you. I love you so much." We voted last night, guy. That won't help now.
Time for another commercial. Go get some chips or something. "Welcome back to your AMERICAN IDOL results show! It's on, baby!" Then Seacrest does a weird little jig and runs to nowhere. What is with this guy? Doesn't he have any kind of internal editing system that clicks on and says, "Hey, don't just do everything that pops into your head,"? It sure doesn't seem like it.

Now it's time for Kelly's journey. In the Dallas auditions, Kelly offered to take Simon's place at the judging table. That's pretty forward. I'm usually bashful around new people. I guess that's why she'll be an AMERICAN IDOL and I'll be dead in six months.
Will this montage of Kelly moments have anything bad in it? Is that possible? Maybe they'll toss in some of her acting to balance things out. Oh, here we go. After "Walk on By," Randy says it wasn't her greatest performance. I guess she was only really good, instead of amazing. What a nadir she bounced back from there.
Seacrest has his legs crossed like a dandy as he talks to Kelly. Just putting that out there. You do what you want with it. Then he asks her about the new highlights in her hair. Please see above. He mentions that he gets blond highlights too. Kelly sardonically says, "Really? That's great." Man! In three words, she summed up what I've been trying to get across for weeks. She does everything well!
So here's Kelly's encore performance of "Without You." Again, not the Crue version. Man, this is good. Top notch. How does she keep doing this every week? Continually blasting out those big notes? I'm waiting for her larynx to pop out of her mouth and try to crawl away to safety one night. "No! No more, Kelly! Leave me alone! I can't take this much more."
During the performance, Randy has his eyes closed and is doing some weird head bob thing. Is this what he looks like in the studio? You know, when he's with Whitney, Aretha, Mariah, Celine, et al?
You know, this has been a pretty fun show so far. A lot peppier than most Wednesdays. It's almost like they're not going to rip out somebody's heart and stomp on it on live TV. S'nice.
Back from another break, and now it's time to break the news to Nikki, Justin and Kelly. Oh. Never mind then. You know, technically, they're all in the bottom three tonight. And the top three. Mindbender!
Nikki doesn't receive the best comments in the world. Again. The music is suspenseful here, but the moment isn't. Let's just shuffle Nikki over to the "in trouble" side and be done with it. On the other hand, there are lots of good comments for Justin the Great. Kelly? Eh, why bother? You can imagine what her comments were like. Here's a hint: They rhyme with "very, very good."
And we'll find out who's heading home…after the break. You know, I thought there was a lot of time left in the show. I think they fooled them that time. Really. Having Ryan say it was a nice twist. Well done! 
So, Nikki has gone head to head and survived against Ryan, Christina, RJ and even Tamyra. But can she take down Justin and/or Kelly? Well, we're back from the break, so let's find out. 
But first! America got it wrong when they voted off Tamyra, says Ryan. Judges, what should they have done last night to get it right? Randy says they should've voted for the best two. Nice dodge. Paula evades too. Simon says it's very simple. If Kelly and Justin are on the Kodak stage next week, America got it right. Geez, I can't believe he said that. I mean, we're all thinking it, but he actually said it. 
And when he did, Nikki had a terrific look of contemplation of her face. It was like some chick in a roadhouse bar just spilled a beer on her, and Nikki is deliberating whether to smash a bottle or a pool cue over the offending chick's head. A look of, "All right. Okay. You had your turn. But how about this?!!!!!" Crush!
Please step forward, Nikki. Uh oh. It can't be good for her to be separated from the group. They couldn't be doing a super double twist on us, could they? Nikki takes a couple of reluctant steps forward. She might as well keep going, because America has voted and Nikki, you have been eliminated. 
The crowd gives her a standing ovation. Simon VERY reluctantly joins in and angrily looks offstage at whoever coerced him to do so. Paula is so heartbroken, she forgets to open her left hand to clap. Instead, she pounds a fist and a palm together.
In the audience, we see a shot of Nikki's mom. She looks like she's plotting some revenge on Simon. Something that probably involves inserting things into him and twisting them. Don't mess with Texas!
Nikki definitely opts to see the silver lining. She sounds like she's thanking somebody for inviting them to a party. "Thanks, I had a really great time. It was a lotta fun." And she's not even crying for the first Wednesday in months. Wait. Wait. There she goes. Okay. 
Judges, any parting words for Nikki? Randy says she made it very far and shouldn't give up. Also, she should tip her hat to herself. I wonder what that would look like. Paula tells Nikki to be proud because she never compromised. Maybe it hurt you here, but it'll propel you to superstardom. Or at least a bar band in Austin. Either way, she's going farther than me. Simon tells Nikki it's time for a reality check. Oh, this may not be pleasant. "Out of 10,000 people, you finished third." It's no time for tears. Oh, those British and their practical outlooks! 
So now Nikki can head back to Texas and look after her kid again. I tell you, her babysitter must've racked up a ton of overtime pay. "I don't know where your mother is. She said she'd be back by 11. That was in June."
There you have it, folks. Two kids left, two recaps left. Everything is so much more important 

Source:  http://www.idolonfox.msn.com