Pride Goeth Before The ‘Fro
The stakes keep getting higher, and the column introductions keep getting more obvious as the rounds continue. Last week, we lost EJay and Jim, as the sweet tribute at the start of tonight’s show reminded us. Look! There’s EJay! There's Jim! Remember last week, when they both got the gas face? Touching, touching moment.
Who will handle the mounting pressure tonight? I'm sure I will. I've been doing fine so far. Keep an eye on Ryan's bra, though. That thing's been under intense pressure since day one. It looks like it could burst off at any moment.
Our valiant hosts come out to start the festivities, and once again they're all decked out in suits. Ryan's wearing a tie and looks like he's on his way to Easter Mass. Dunk has no tie. Tieless, you might say. Seacrest's hair is neatly directed. Dunk looks like he caught a nap before the show. I think maybe backstage, Seacrest is lying to Dunk about what they’re wearing that night. "No, dude. No tie tonight. No, dude. Not combing the hair, either." Then they get onstage and Dunk looks like a bum while Ryan looks like glory. Not so cool for Dunk.
Also not so cool for Dunk is that he's possibly wearing the same suit as last week. It's the same shirt at least. Even when I was unemployed, I changed my shirt every day. C'mon, guy. Get with it. I mean, Seacrest is a little more dressed up every show. In two weeks, he'll be in a top hat and tuxedo like the Monopoly guy. Where he goes from there is anybody's guess.
Tonight's theme…the sixties. I wonder if somebody will try to sing "Tequila". "Bum bah bum bum bum bum bum bum bah! Tequila!" How was that, Simon? "Oh, that was disappointing. Terrible song choice for you. 'Tequila' only has one word. I think you’ve blown it."
Speaking of Simon, let's meet the judges tonight. "Hi, judges!" "Hi, hosts!" Wild audience tonight, they say. Except for this one guy sitting behind Randy. He looks absolutely miserable. Like he's there as a punishment. Maybe he doesn't like how he’s wearing a "Vote for RJ" shirt, matching the rest of his row. "Mom! I hate RJ! I like A.J.! Don’t make me wear this!" "You’ll wear it and like it, young man." "I hate you! I hate this stupid family!" Or something like that.
And now…let's bring out the kids! RJ! Tamyra! The rest of you! Kelly comes out wearing her "Elwood Blues" Halloween costume. Ryan comes out in a shirt that was ripped in a catfight backstage. A.J. tops last week's 1996 rapper outfit with tonight's 1988 rapper outfit. Can 1977's rapper outfit of an adidas track suit and wristbands be far behind? The Sugarhill Gang sure hopes so. And Christina comes out with…whoa! Extensions? Christina, did you do something different? "No, my hair grew eight inches overnight. It’s the craziest thing!" I'm so depressed about this right now. I need to go away for a while.
Okay, I’m back. I was gone twenty-two minutes, for the record. Simon is wearing a light blue shirt tonight. Tight, of course. Dunk zings him. Zings him good! Nice work! 
We see a tape of the kids building a house with Habitat for Humanity. Somehow, I can’t picture Justin or A.J. lugging around fifty pound sacks of Quik-krete. Maybe they’ll sing to entertain the workers. Ryan has her belly exposed, as usual. You see a lot of that on construction sites, but they’re usually chubby, fuzzy guy bellies. Although, if Ryan wants to show some plumber crack, bring it. If I was on that worksite, I’m sure I’d be laying some pipe. Ha ha! That was awesome!

RJ is up first. After his tumble last week, I thought maybe he’d come out in a wheelchair and sing through an electronic larynx like Stephen Hawking uses. But he’s okay, folks! His singing is pretty good tonight, and he’s got his standard bob and weave dance move working. He looks like he borrowed his shirt one of Robin Hood’s Merry Men, though. RJ’s a great kid, really nice, but there’s something about him I just can’t get past. Maybe it’s the fact that he looks like he’s Erik Estrada’s little brother. Seven Mary Three! We’re on our way!
Once again, Randy points out that he and RJ have the same initials. Yeah, I picked that up on my own, guy...eight weeks ago. Simon says RJ was good, but not AMERICAN IDOL-winning good. Booooooooooo! The crowd boos like some girl just told Rikki Lake she’s pregnant by her cousin and keeping the baby. “Whateva. S’my body!”
Here comes Tamyra. She can sing like nobody’s business, but she’s overdosing on histrionics right now. Bug eye, neck snap, head bob, shoulder shake. She’s moving like a rag doll rolling down a hill right now. I think cocky-itis might be setting in at this late stage. But dang, can she sing. 
Randy loves her. Says she's everything that an AMERICAN IDOL is. Her look back at him says, “I know, Chief. Thanks.” Paula says she's oozing je ne sais quoi. A lesser columnist would make a cheap joke about the French right here, but I'll pass. Um…erg…fighting…struggling…I guess she doesn't shower then! Damn! Oh, so close. Simon says she's sensational. A star. Ryan and Dunk ask her if she has a touchdown dance to celebrate. She does the butter churner. Or the running man, depending on your angle.
Nikki’s turn now. First, here’s a clip of Nikki building the house almost singlehandedly. A.J. struggles to lift some plywood. Nikki comes over, shoves him aside and picks up that wood, along with four cinder blocks. Tough chick. She’s wearing a bearskin skirt tonight, which I’m guessing she killed and tanned herself.
She’s blowing out Janis Joplin’s “Piece of My Heart”. Good pick for her. Although it’s no “Me and Bobby McGee”. Nikki’s throwing a ton of energy into her song. So much so, that she doesn’t have the juice left for a “whoooo!” at the end. It was more of a “who”.
Randy likes her and Paula likes her. Simon says she was much better than last week. I’m sure he’ll say the same about me. I’m really turning it out right now.
Dunk and Seacrest fight over taking a break. Dunk wants to push on. “It’s live TV. What can they do?” Ryan acts exasperated and says “They can fire us!” Dunk miraculously changes his mind. Hey, anybody see that tumbleweed go by? I have to admit, I didn’t see that joke coming at all. But mainly because I tuned out these guys five minutes ago.
Back from the break, and A.J. is up. He’s singing “How Sweet it is to be Loved by You”. That’s clearly not dedicated to most of the American public. A.J.’s biggest problem is that the Backstreet Boys aren’t currently hiring. Maybe he can be their first alternate. Keep him on the reserve list and use him whenever Davey or Richie or whoever doesn’t feel like doing the Minneapolis show.
Dang! A.J.’s really cocky, too! What are they telling these kids during the rest of the week? Do they think the mansion is theirs already? Who’s going to be the first contestant to hire a personal assistant? A.J. might have a dose of crushing defeat coming his way soon. Let’s see if he’s still pointing at people and winking when that happens.
Nice slide step, though. "Big ups for that", as the kids say. Randy isn’t blown away by his performance. Paula likes his dancing. Is she talking about The Pace? Simon says he wasn’t good enough. Good-ish. A.J. doesn’t really listen and struts over to the hosts. He scoffs at “good-ish” when he gets there. "Pfft. Man, I'm A to the J, y'all! I'm way better than good-ish!"
Kelly Clarkson up next. We see a clip of her tossing around tools like a sitcom character. Madame Foreman, a show about a no-nonsense, female construction boss, overcoming great odds and great doubts to make it in this workaday world. Her wacky best friend, Gayle, provides a lot of laughs. “No, Gayle, I won’t date Larry.” “Why not? He drives a Camaro!” “Gayle, you’d date a guy in a Camry!” (laugh track)
Anyway, here comes Kelly in her Blues Brothers outfit. “Natural Woman” is her tune. I was hoping for “Rawhide”, but this’ll do. Kelly gives a highly soulful rendition. Big, high note. Lots of energy. Snappy fedora. Great job. Her stalker from last week bounds up onstage at the end. Is this guy the new Tamika? I think he finds Kelly to be more “campy” than hot. I get the feeling he wants to try on her clothes.
Randy and Paula like her. Big surprise. Simon says she’s a great singer. That's a better endorsement than any of the garbage I can offer up. Seacrest says Kelly made him feel like a natural woman for the first time. Frat houses across the country explode with snide comments.
Christina comes out next, fresh from the beauty shop. Her face is still as cute as ever, but I can't stop looking at all of this hair cascading down. Christina’s blowing the roof off the place, but the vibrato that people have been complaining about keeps peeking out. Some people say it sounds bad. I wouldn’t know, because whenever she’s onstage, I’m too busy thinking of our future children’s names to listen to her singing. So far I have Octavio, Jr. and Octavio III. Which is odd, because my name isn't Octavio. And also because Christina probably wants nothing to do with me.
She gives a cute little smile after her performance. Randy says Christina was a little off vocally. But she was dead on lookally. News flash: Paula liked it. Simon is very, very reluctant to say anything bad about Christina, so he avoids commenting on her performance altogether. Before the break, a group of kids in the audience screams, “You go, girl!” I thought that phrase went out with Martin. Did somebody hit the Way-Back Machine?
Back from the break, and Ryan is in the Red Room with Guarini. At the construction site, Justin changed his name to Ralph for the day. Says Justin isn’t a good construction name. Real construction workers would’ve trimmed their long, curly locks rather than stick them under a bandanna, but one thing at a time, I guess.
Justin forgot to lace up his shirt, but that doesn’t stop him from ripping off an energetic version of “Sunny”. Singing backup for Justin tonight is his rapidly-growing opinion of himself. He makes a lot of hammy faces, plays to the camera and is clearly on cruise control right now. It’s like he realizes his ticket has been stamped for the finals and doesn’t want to waste any of his “A” material until then.
Randy says that wasn’t Justin's best, but Justin mostly speaks over him. "Well, dude, I think…" "Okay. Okay. Okay. Please stop talking now, Randy." Simon says Justin was outperformed by three of the girls tonight. Justin goes right over Simon’s head to ask the audience what they thought. “I respect your opinion, Simon, but what did you guys think?” Whoooooo! I’m sure Simon enjoyed being shown up like that. Justin says something else to Simon, but the audience cheering drowned him out. I can’t read lips, but I think, “See, Simon? I don’t need to give a damn what you think because everybody loves me, and rightfully so,” is a pretty good guess.
Over with Dunk and Ryan, Justin cockily highlights his number onscreen. Man, somebody take this guy down a peg. Tie his shoes together. Shortsheet his bed. Something. If he gets any more puffed up, he won’t even bother singing. He’ll just come out when he’s introduced, say, “You know you want to vote for me ‘cause I’m so dynamite,” then walk off.
Now we see a clip of the kids at the mansion. It’s run in British speed. It’s like I’m watching the BBC right now. Forward! Backward! Cheeky!
Ryan Starr’s turn. We see her at the home building site, and she’s not much help. “Hey, guys! What should I do?” “Uh, sweep over there. And make sure nobody steals our truck.”
“You Really Got Me”. This is the most Ryan’s belly has been covered yet. She’s probably wondering why she feels so hot right now. “This studio is baking!” Ryan is really performing, but not singing all that well. She looks great, she's moving around, she's looking at the crowd, but she's so busy doing all this stuff, she's forgetting to sing.

She’s got the attitude ratcheted up to eleven right now, as well. What is it with these kids? Is it possible that constant praise and attention can warp people? Say it ain’t so!
We see a shot of Ryan’s friends in the audience. If she’s a part of that group, it’s the all-time, nuclear example of a hot girl and her, uh, average friends. These girls must hear “Hey, who’s your hot friend?” more than any people on Earth.
Randy didn’t like her performance at all, "dude". Paula says she lost her way on the track. Simon says she was absolutely dreadful. Like Justin and A.J., she doesn’t give two nuts about what the judges think at this point. To prove my point, she says she doesn’t care what Simon thinks because he's a "popper", and goads the crowd into more applause. I think Simon's critique was the first time she's ever been told anything negative by a guy. Her synapses just didn't know how to handle it.
These kids are definitely getting too big for their britches. Why is Ryan so up on herself? I mean, I’m beautiful and people love me. But I keep a level head about the whole thing. Ah, she’s young, I guess. But if I’m asked to, I’ll set these young pups straight. Of course, they probably don't ever read this column, which hampers my effectiveness slightly.
So there we have it. Before we go, Simon says overall, some were fantastic, some were okay and one or two were dreadful. Ryan and Justin somehow refrain from saying, “Go to hell”. I’m making a prediction right now. A shocking prediction! Ryan is going to be the one cut tomorrow. It’ll be a real stunner. I think she shot herself in the foot with this attitude, missy. 
Although, keep in mind, the last time I got a prediction right was February. On the 12th, I predicted I’d have grilled cheese for dinner. And, sure enough, I did. Swish!
Over the closing credits, three hot blondes come onstage from the audience and hug Justin “Hef” Guarini. Party at the mansion tonight, then? I’m going over just in case. I’ll be in the bushes, but still, I’ll be able to hear just about everything.
Until tomorrow, everybody, stay strong!

Source:  http://www.idolonfox.msn.com

Clash of the Titanic Egos
Last night proved to be plenty interesting as we saw the Justin Express - next stop, finals! - run off the tracks. And we also watched Ryan transform from a simple small town girl into a larger than life diva demanding an organic fruit platter and twelve bottles of water in her dressing room. Room temperature, and peel off all labels, please. 
Which makes tonight a very big night indeed. Big. It's time to trim the fat a little bit more, and Ryan may be on her way out in the biggest shocker since…well, since the show started. On top of the world one day, flash a little too much ego, and you're on the discard pile. That'll never happen to me of course, since I keep it so real.
Let's get into it by starting with a quite dramatic intro bit. (deep voice) "One of these kids…" The point is, one of these kids will be cut tonight. But who will it be? We won't know for another thirty minutes. The serious music helps build the tension, which is its job, so everything is strictly aces to this point.
We pan across the kids standing in a line. Each of our buddies is making a funny face as we move across. Mmm, maybe funny isn't the right word. Let's just say faces and leave it at that.
Our hosting boys come out and the show officially gets underway. Ryan has gone right up to the precipice of black tie formal, didn't like what he saw and took a few steps back. He's wearing no tie tonight, and his jacket is flappingly open. Back to casual chic for this guy, as Vogue might say, if you can find it amongst all the ads for perfume. Dunk has different hair than last night. Not blond or anything, just styled differently. That guy always keeps you on your toes.
We got more than eight million calls last night, they say. So let's recap what happened the night before. It was definitely "Ladies Night". Girls good, boys bad. Which is my policy, too. They show Justin giving Simon a little dose of the sass mouth. That little bit certainly won't do him any favors, especially if anybody missed Tuesday's show.
So, kids, what do you think about last night? Any regrets? Ryan thinks her song didn't express her vocal range, or lack thereof, some people are surely thinking to themselves right now. Shame on you people! Be nice! But the song expressed who Ryan is, which she claims is a tough rocker girl. Maybe we should send her down to the Bowery around midnight and let her fend for herself, eh? I have a feeling some time next year, we'll be seeing Ryan on a syndicated cable show beating up guys with unconvincing karate. Girl power!
Justin, do you regret what you said to Simon last night? Apparently, Justin's "handlers" have had a little chat with him since Tuesday. He backpedals from his comments so much he ends up outside of the studio. "Well, what I mean was…you see…actually, I meant…" Come on back here, young fella! We won't hurt you.
Time for a couple of taped bits. In the first, we poll the kids on who is the loudest in the house. The first two pick Christina. Christina picks everybody. Hmm. I guess we have our answer then. Ryan picks Nikki, and not in a friendly, "hee hee" kinda way. More of a "God, she never shuts up and I want to shove a pillow in her mouth!" kinda way. Lesson: do not cross the luminescence that is Ryan Starr! She deserves special treatment! Kelly says A.J. is the loudest person in the house because he's always singing. I bet that got annoying after about twelve minutes. His cavalcade of brothers and sisters is probably happy to have a little quiet around the homestead for a change, with A.J. bunking in the mansion for now.
And now, a totally unrehearsed, spontaneous moment showing us what the kids do during their free time. Lucky for us, nine cameras and four microphones happened to be on hand to capture the magic. The kids have rallied 'round the campfire to belt out "California Dreamin'" A.J. does a fairly convincing guitar mimic. "Okay, I'll put my hand here on this thingy, and now it looks like I'm playing!" Justin and Ryan keep fighting for the lead. Share, kids! You'll all get a verse. It ends up being a nice moment, if only slightly manufactured. Luckily, nobody choked to death on a ham sandwich while singing Cass Elliot's part. Although, I think one of the neighbors tossed an old shoe at them from next door. "Pipe down, you crazy kids! People are trying to sleep here!"
So, let's get to the meat. Finally. Which three got the fewest votes last night? Let's recap the judges' comments as we give the results. We should all be familiar with this drill after last week. RJ. Randy and Paula liked you, but Simon said you weren't AMERICAN IDOL worthy. Wait. What am I doing? You can read all of this about five inches to the left. Get to the results, man!
RJ, you're safe. "Whew!" And your quilt shirt is the tops. "Hey, thanks." Kelly, you're safe. She doesn't seem very surprised by that news. Ryan. Her face portrays all the confidence of somebody lying in a guillotine right now. The waterworks may start flowing soon. Ryan, you are one of our bottom three tonight, sayeth the hosts. She gets up and jauntily skips over to her new spot. Maybe she doesn't realize that being cut is bad. Much like last week when she didn't get cut and started bawling. This girl's got it all backwards!
Tamyra, you're safe. There's a surprise. A.J. He looks a little confused. A common look for him, I imagine. He's in the bottom three, as well. I put his pants in the bottom one of all time. Justin, you're safe. For now. Justin looks genuinely relieved. Maybe he's learned his lesson. I guess we'll find out this Tuesday.
Nikki. Christina. One of you will join this group…after the break. Oh! Again with this? Heart wrenching! 

During the break, Natalie Imbruglia tries to sell me hair coloring. I don't need any because my hair is already lush and beautiful, but what I'm wondering is, does Natalie make music any more? Has she retired? Is she strictly a pitch girl right now? What's the story here? Ah, who cares? Let's go back to the show.
Back from the break, and Nikki and Christina are nervously holding hands as they wait for the other shoe to drop. Two shoe references in one column! Is there anything I can't do? What do they have against Nikki anyway? Are they going to leave her flopping on the hook every week now? It's excruciating. But hilarious. For me. Not her. I wonder if during the break, Christina asked, "Hey, you have experience with this incredibly uncomfortable situation. What should I do?" Nikki's response may have been, "Hope that it's you against Jim."
The even worse part is that the person that loses this mini-battle has to go right back into another war, being one of the three potential cuts. And, on top of that, they have to stand near Ryan, who looks really, really pouty and uncomfortable right now. She could snap at a moment's notice.

The third one to join our potential losers is…(long pause)…Nikki…(longer pause)...you're safe! What a twist! Christina, come on over. Man, that's a lot of talent standing together right now. Not singing-wise, but nice.
Judges, are you surprised by the three people standing here tonight? Randy isn't, but Paula throws it in reverse and runs away from any potential criticism at 100 miles per hour. Um, I think these kids have done amazing to this point. Simon rightly says Paula must be joking. Christina wasn't at her best, Ryan was appalling and A.J. isn't worthy of being there. He's only slightly more direct than Paula in these matters. Paula tries to disagree, but Randy says he thinks Simon's right. Whoa! Are the unholy alliances shifting?
Ryan is hating Simon right now, by the way. No man talks to her like this! I'm Ryan Starr! She looks fully resigned to being cut. And she's very pouty about it. Great attitude!
You know what? Let's let one of these kids off the hook. What do you say? Christina, you're safe for another week. She looked awfully relieved. Another lesson learned, potentially. 
A.J., Ryan. One of you will be safe again this week. And it will be…coming up after this break! Oh! Again! They're killing these kids! I love it! 
During this break, I'm trying to envision the glares Ryan is giving the judges, hosts, producers, cameramen, assistants, crowd members, lighting guys, ushers, ticket takers and anybody else within a 10-block radius. I don't imagine they're very pleasant. Not very pleasant at all. 
We're back! Okay, who's going and who's staying? It's…Ryan mouths "Ryan" before Dunk reads the card, as if it's completely inevitable that she's leaving. Boy, she does not handle adversity very well. Or at all, for that matter. And…(long pause)…Ryan…(long pause)…(real long pause)…(okay, already!)…"You're safe". Now there's a heaping dose of humility, and it was force-fed with a giant shovel. Let's see if she learns her lesson for next week. She still looks furious that they would dare make an example of her. How dare they! Don't they know I'm Ryan Starr, America's Crush?!
Let's have a few A.J. moments before he goes for good. It's a touching video tribute. Man, now I feel bad that he got cut. Maybe I shouldn't have badmouthed him so much. Eh, I'm sure I'll have forgotten by tomorrow.
Dunk and Ryan are fawning over A.J., and Randy and Paula give him a standing ovation, although Simon doesn't budge. Or smile. Apparently, A.J. is the greatest guy on Earth. I thought it was me, but I guess I've been bumped down to the two spot. 
A.J.? How are you feeling right now, little buddy? "Well, this, you know, was my first audition, and, um, you know, it was a great experience, and, uh, erg, you know, I hope to keep trying, and, you know, um, have a lot more experiences that I, um, you know, experience." This kid might eventually make it as a singer, but I think we can rule speechwriter out of the equation.
Any advice for A.J., judges? Randy says keep trying. Paula claims A.J. is better than Simon because he's experienced the high of performing, and the only high Simon will ever get is if he "smokes his own shirt". Huh? Seacrest tells Simon he has to admit that A.J. has improved since we first saw him. I wonder what Simon will do with this softball of a setup. Maybe he'll shock us and say, "You know, Ryan, you're right. I never really thought of it that way. Let's bring back Jim while we're at it." 
Instead, Simon advises A.J. to "get better". Well, that was straightforward. And here we go! Judge spat! Simon says that words are hollow and cheap. I assume he doesn't mean mine. These babies are priceless!
Paula, you're a choreographer, work with A.J., chides Simon. Paula reminds Simon that she also won a Grammy, and if she brought that up any more forcefully, she would've just shoved the little statuette right up Simon's how do you do. In Simon's defense, Starland Vocal Band once won the Grammy for Best New Artist, and Toto once won for Album of the Year. So maybe Paula shouldn't put all of her eggs in the Grammy basket. Yeah?
Seacrest gets on Simon's case too. Simon's retort? You love him so much, put him on your radio show. Seacrest freezes dead. His face says, "Uh, um, let's talk about you again, please." I guess Ryan doesn't love A.J. so much after all.
Paula says to Simon, "This is what happens when you're breastfed by your father." That's better than anything I've ever said. Or dumber than everything I've ever said. I can't decide. I'll let you know later. But what's gotten into her lately? She protects these kids like a lion over her cubs. 
So there's goes A.J., and, if you believe popular opinion, all of the dead weight has been trimmed from the finals. Every cut after this week will be devastating. Isn't that right, Ryan? Geez. Better not ask her anything right now. She looks like she was hoping to get cut so she could just get out of here and start sorting through her offers to pose in magazines. She resembles Jennifer Lopez after she finds out her trailer was stocked with cantaloupe instead of honeydew. She looks like…ah, you get the drift.
Big group hug at the end, and Ryan may or may not have mouthed "I want to go home". I might just be starting a rumor for the fun of it. But you'll never know! Ha ha ha ha! Oh, I'm so clever! Unless you have Wednesday's show on tape, in which case I'll have been foiled again! Drat!
On one last note, my assistant is faithfully sorting through your e-mails to me and picking out the best ones for me to read. And ladies, don't be shy about including photos with your messages. I want to see who I'm dealing with here. So keep those e-mails coming! I'm paying this kid almost $88 a week to read my press, and want to make sure I'm getting my money's worth! If you don't get a response, it's because this kid can't figure out how a keyboard works. The letters aren't in order, he claims. He's not the sharpest knife, but he'll do, I guess.

Carry on, everybody!

Source:  http://www.idolonfox.msn.com