The Big Time!
First off, a note about these dashing new pictures you see above all the important words. I've been trying to keep my identity a secret in order to protect my long-term career goals in the adult film industry. Also, I hate being bothered in restaurants. But, the good people at FOX are dying to splash my chiseled mug on the cover of People, Victorian Homes Monthly and other magazines in order to cash in on my massive and loyal audience.
So when I came into the offices recently to pick up a stack of paychecks, they had a shutterbug waiting in ambush. I had no idea. Bastards! Luckily, I'm so slippery or my ruse might have been shattered. As it stands now, you'll have to get by on shots of my supple legs, and I've signed up for Direct Deposit.
Tonight, as a change of pace, I've decided to attend the live show as part of the studio audience. I get there and find out I'm a VIP. Sounds about right. Then I find out they've stuck me in the last seat of the last row. Sounds about wrong. I had a better view of The Price is Right than I did of AMERICAN IDOL. This is how the Jaded Journalist gets treated when he makes a rare public appearance? Ah, I guess that's what I get for not showing my face. On another note, Monty Hall is warming up tonight's crowd by giving people $50 if they have a two dollar bill or grape bubble gum in their pockets. 
The dramatic intro piece to the show asks us a few questions. Who will choose their song more wisely? Who will watch their words? Who will play it safe, and who will take the big risk? Well, judging from the shots they used in sync with the voiceover, the answers are Ryan, Justin, RJ, and Nikki, respectively.
Finally, on to the show. We're down to seven now, and all the obvious cuts have been made. Every one after this will be a real stinger. Justin stumbled a bit on his perch last week, and Ryan completely fell off and split her head open. Meanwhile, Kelly keeps churning out great performances and RJ keeps doing the RJ Shuffle as they both move along toward the finale.
Ryan seemed to have mentally packed it in last week, and Justin loaded up on humble pie at the post-show buffet. It'll be interesting to see how these two react tonight. At least I hope so, or you won't be reading much farther. 
The show starts and the audience goes wild, as audiences are apt to do. Hey! Did you see that cool cat holding up the "We Live 4 U Jaded Journalist!" sign? That was me! Speaking of me, the girl next to me keeps yelling out stuff she finds witty. The rest of her pals are making snide, moderately funny to completely unfunny remarks about everything that's happened so far. Is this what it's like to hang out with me? Damn. No wonder I drink alone. 
But little do these people know they're sitting next to the anonymously famous Jaded Journalist. They may be reading this right now and thinking, "Oh no! I missed an opportunity to give kisses!" Of course, if they're not one of the 100 people that read this thing regularly, they'll have no idea. Maybe next time I go to the show, I'll wear the "JJ" t-shirt I made up at the mall. God bless iron-on patches!
Our hosting buddies wear no ties tonight. Ties are dead, man! They're a symbol of the man's oppression! Ryan's shirt looks like it was made out of the scraps of ten other shirts. Dunk shows a picture he found of Simon on the ol' internet. It's Simon's head on a buff beach dude's body. I've found a few pictures of the hosts on the web, and they're not nearly so complimentary. 
The theme tonight is the '70s. Tight pants, feathered hair and John Travolta. She's a superfreak! Superfreak! She's superfreaky! Ow! Using my awesome powers of obvious deduction, I've determined that the '80s must be next week's theme. Taaaaaaaaaake onnnnnnn me! Take on me! Taaaaaaaaaaaake meeeeeeee on! If this pattern continues, by the finals, the theme should be music from ten years into the future. And by then, it'll all be computerized and we'll have flying cars. Flars, I call them.
Let's bring out the kids! Tamyra sticks with the Pam Grier look, which I'm definitely down with. Ryan is wearing a napkin. Damn, that's a short skirt! The fire marshal has a look of panic on his face, because 1,000 lonely guys just rushed the studio. And the censor backstage is keeping his finger millimeters from the button every time Starr moves. That's more of an idea of a skirt than an actual skirt. Holy man!
Before we do any singing, let's check out the kids and their recent US Weekly photo shoot. The photog is with a very vampy Ryan. "I want to get your humorous side." She gives a pouty sulk/sulky pout. Hmm. Let's keep trying. 
You know, I hope the AMERICAN IDOL photos didn't bump any Angelina Jolie photos out of this week's issue. I'm always so curious what she's up to. Maybe they added more pages for their follow up of last week's summary of their earlier cover story about the devastating Jolie/Thornton divorce. If those two crazy kooks can't make it in this world, who can? 
Nikki is up first. Her song tonight is "Heartbreaker". That could be woefully appropriate. After the debacle of "Ben" a few weeks back, Nikki will never, ever vary from the rock genre again. Somebody should set up a duet with Nikki and Kelly Osborne. They're twins! Which makes me wonder. If those two met, would they hate each other or love each other? I can't decide which. I know whenever I meet people that others have described as being just like me, I usually hate them because my uniqueness feels threatened. Those two might detonate upon first eye contact. 
Anyway, Paula and Randy like her performance. Simon says she's gone after this week. It was a copycat performance, and she is not the one undiscovered talent in this competition. Paula says don't worry, because the fans vote. Ho! Tension from the start! I'm writing as fast as I can! 
If this doesn't work out for Nikki, and according to Simon it won't, she can always head back to Texas and front some punk or alt-country band out of Austin. Pop may not be her thing, but if you throw a couple guitars, a drum kit and a few longhairs behind her, you might be on to something. And if they're looking for a band name, try "Slower Pussycat!"
Ryan Starr is up next. How can I keep this clean? Uh…let's just say that the people in the front row are getting a heck of a show right now. And Ryan hasn't even started singing. "Last Dance" is Ryan's choice. Can I take back my Nikki comment? This song might have even more foreshadowing for its performer in it. 
I love this song, because whenever it hits in the club, you get the hilarious scene of slimy dudes desperately prowling the bar for any last unturned stone. "Hey! Is that chick alone at the bar? I better ask her to dance or else I won't have time to convince her to come back to my Camaro!" Then, about a minute into the song, the remaining guys give up, pound one more Silver Bullet and head for the doors.
Ryan is kinda going through the motions here. I think she's ready to get out of Dodge and start fielding offers to star in B-movies and look pretty while running from things. I think the judges are going to excoriate her here. Yeah, that's right! I used a big word. Deal with it!
By the way, I've already forgotten what she's sung. "Muskrat Love?" If she wore that skirt and sat in the Jeopardy! studio audience, every single guy would finish in negative dollars. It's a real mind eraser, it is.
Randy says Ryan needs to figure out who she is exactly. How about, "Hot chick"? Paula, naturally, loved her performance and Simon thinks she'll move on this week, but agrees that she needs to define her song style better. Rather polite criticism, I'd say. Much better than last week's "musical train wreck", as Simon coined it.
Seacrest says he didn't know the seventies were so much fun. "I was too busy playing with my little friend." Dunk is concerned! What?! "G.I. Joe." Hmm. Okay. Let's just slowly back away and pretend we didn't notice.
It's Christina's turn now. We see her at the photo shoot. Can I get one of those in a wallet size please? Christina comes out wearing a skirt she bought at a small store next to the highway in New Mexico. You can also get a purse there with your name on it spelled out in turquoise.
Christina is really singing tonight. The vibrato is gone without a trace. I think last week's scare has righted her ship, as she is doing a great job right now. On another note, why can't white people resist clapping semi-rhythmically during slow songs? It happens every single time. Singing (cl-clap) singing (cl-clap). Knock it off, whitey!
Paula and Randy, of course, like Christina. Simon compares her to Sade. But he's being complimentary, which is odd, seeing as it comes about ten minutes after he ripped Nikki for being a knockoff of somebody. I imagine that perhaps he meant Nikki was just like Pat Benatar, while Christina merely evoked Shar-day. Whatever it meant, it must have really affected Christina because she immediately changed the spelling of her name to Krastna.
And here comes Justin, judging from the shrieking. The stage seems a little dusty right now. Maybe we can grab Justin by the ankles, wet him down and use his head as a mop. Eh. That was dumb. But I needed to take a shot at Justin to even things out. 
Has he learned from last week? He seems a lot more restrained. And he's focusing more on the song than his stage antics. Still, he's kinda corny and his dad looks exactly like Smokey Robinson. Randy critiques him, says he picked the wrong song. He keeps switching styles every week. Paula liked it. Also, ice is cold. Justin takes this opportunity to backtrack even further from his comments last week. He's now speaking to us over a video screen from an undisclosed location. "Really! I'm not that much of a jerk, I swear! Please!" I don't know if he's being sincere. I can't read this guy. He's like a wily shapeshifter. Simon says Justin picked the wrong song, but it basically doesn't matter because the fans love him. I guess Simon learned his lesson last week when he dared to question Justin. Apparently, after the show, Justin's fan club, the Army of Guarini, caught up with Simon in the parking lot and gave him a little "talking to". 
Kelly Clarkson up now. No hat this week. Each week, Kelly just keeps doing her thing, belting out great performances and gaining more fans by the second. Small town girl makes it big? I haven't seen a story like this since Patsy Cline met Dolly Parton and spawned Faith Hill. Or somebody else you like better than Faith Hill. Whatever. You get the idea.
If Kelly ends up winning this thing, look for "The Kelly Clarkson Story: Small Town to Big Time" on Lifetime in November. Starring Tara Reid as Kelly. And Sean Hayes as her stalker / #1 fan ever! Speaking of that dude, I can see him from here. I'm keeping one eye trained on him just in case he gets ants in his pants again this week. Not on my watch, dude!
Kelly does a great job of singing, but we get the audience clapping again. You just can't resist, can you, Whitebread? Every time with this stuff! I'm white as December, but I can manage to keep my hands in my pockets during a song. Why can't the rest of you? Despite this, Kelly is in complete command of herself and the crowd. She could end up in the final two, which I don't think anybody predicted in June. Except me. I know everything.

The judges love her and Simon raves about her. He loves how nice she is. (insert cheap, easy joke about opposites attracting here) Before the break, Seacrest taunts Simon for dancing and bopping during Kelly's song. Simon has no rejoinder. What's with him tonight? It's like Simon is missing, so they replaced him with his twin nicer brother, uh…Blimon.
During the break, Chazz Palminteri pitches me Vanilla Coke. This is a fine commercial, pretty nice even, but is there anybody in Hollywood that would love it more than Chazz if another gangster movie was made? If a movie meets one of two requirements - 1) It's about gangsters in Brooklyn. 2) It's set in 1953. - Chazz is in it. If not, he sits by the pool.
Back from the break and Dunk is all by himself as Ryan chills in the Red Room with RJ. During the photo shoot, RJ says he's uncomfortable in a tank top. Then he sees one picture of himself, loves how hot his ripped pipes look, and proceeds to come out tonight in a sleeveless shirt. That one photo did some real magic, I tells ya!
RJ is putting on quite a showy performance tonight. He even added a few more steps to the RJ Shuffle. And I spent all of last week learning the old version. Big waste of time. But this is about RJ, and he did a great job tonight. The audience loves him. Judges? Well, Simon says he's boy band-worthy, but not the AMERICAN IDOL. That's enough of an insult that I won't heap anything else on to RJ. Maybe RJ, EJay and A.J. should form a boy band together. They can call it 3J! Of course, they all give their J names different treatments, period, no period, two capped letters, so maybe they wouldn't be able to agree on songs, either. Oh well.
It was Tamyra's birthday this week, so let's check out a taped bit of the kids throwing her a surprise party. They eat cake and get all full of sugar and start acting nutty. Hmm. Nice. Comedy doesn't really suit these kids. Of course, to be fair, singing isn't really my strong suit. And some would say that comedy isn't either. So there you have it.
Tamyra comes out barefoot. I don't know if this will help or hurt her. If she walks over white-hot coals while singing, I'll definitely vote for her. I heard next week Tamyra is going to use Melvin van Peebles as an accessory to round out her late '70s wardrobe. I hope so. I love Sweet Sweetback!
Every time Tamyra comes out, she's a complete pro. This thing is hers to lose right now. Randy echoes my thoughts. Not the first time. Paula says she keeps going higher, like a poe vollter. I think she meant pole vaulter. I hope she meant pole vaulter. Simon says that if Tamyra doesn't win, something has gone horribly wrong. Which is the exact opposite of what he said to Jim.
So there you have it. Another night in the books. If I had to proffer a guess, I'd say Ryan can start packing up her travel kit. And her skirt from tonight will be enshrined in the Dirty Thoughts Hall of Fame. East wing. But, I've been wrong before - several dozen times - and this guess is probably no different.
On a final note, my smallbrain of an assistant is still sorting through your emails, so if you haven't received a response yet, blame him, not me. And keep those photos coming! I'm building a real sweet scrapbook! Finally, feel free to use my picture above as your desktop wallpaper. It'll be a pleasant greeting each morning.
Done!

Source:  http://www.idolonfox.msn.com

Ryan-ara! (Like "sayonara", but with Ryan! Isn't that great?) 
As we get underway tonight, we hear our usual dramatic intro. Bum-bah! “Last night, they sang for you. Last night, you voted.” No mention of, “Last night, the Jaded Journalist was in the house watching it all unfold”? What the hey, man?
On the show previous, Nikki kept doing her little rock chick thing, which means she's a lock to end up in the tantalizing lowest three vote-getters section, just like the last two weeks. Kelly and Tamyra won’t be anywhere near this group, but everybody is in at least a little danger. I tabbed Ryan as my sayonara yesterday, and after a restful night’s sleep and hearty lumberjack breakfast this morning, I haven’t changed my mind. I also predict that no more than five minutes after she gets cut, she’ll be approached backstage by an “agent,” whose gold chain is forever intertwined with his ample chest hair.
And here come the hosts! Seacrest is wearing a light gray suit tonight instead of his normal dark suit. Dunk is wearing about the same thing. His wardrobe selection rivals that of an old Russian peasant woman.
There are the kids! Sitting on the couch like normal! God bless the little ruffians! Everybody looks excited to be here, except for Ryan. She looks like she’s waiting to catch a bus. In a way, she is. Dunk and Ryan say we got 9.2 million phone votes last night, a new record! I know I just mocked it, but that really is a lot of votes. I can’t decide if that’s great or terrible. Uh, let’s go with great for now.
Let’s meet the judges! There’s Randy, wearing his blue shirt tonight. There’s Paula. The tips of her hair have turned blonde. Somehow, I don’t think they grew that way. And here’s Simon! Boooo- Wait! Mostly cheers for Simon tonight. Will you people make up your minds already? He’s the bad guy! Like the Iron Sheik!
One thing I’ve noticed is that all of the kids’ clothes are fairly muted tonight. No colorful chokers. No shirts made out of potato sacks. Maybe my constant, witty jibes about the duds are finally getting through to these kids. Or maybe they just didn’t put as much effort in because they’re not performing tonight. It’s probably the latter, but I’ll pat myself on the back anyway. There.
The hosts want to ask our singers a few questions. Whoooooo! Christina, uh…Whooooooo!. Okay, okay. So, Christina? Whoooooooo! Do you…Whooooooo! Man, somebody corral these screamheads. They’re downright nutty. The stagehands break out cattle prods and that finally calms the kids down.
Christina, you almost got cut last week, but last night you rocked. Why? She says that she sang that song last night from the heart. Well then, thanks for mailing in last week’s effort. Nice to know you care. Ryan, "Who are you?" quiz the hosts. She says she's half rock, half pop, half r&b and a quarter of everything. That adds up to about 284%. Which is really giving yourself a lot of credit. She’s pretty, though. Some sucker of a guy will do all of her adding and subtracting for her. "No, I'm sorry, dear, you can't have three halves. Just two. That's what makes them halves. Yes, I know you're Ryan Starr. Yes, I'll be quiet now. I'm sorry, dear."
You know what I could go for right about now? Some clips of the kids singing last night. Oh! And look at this! Right on time! There’s RJ, busting out “Superstition”. Well done. There’s Ryan, disco dancing in thick, black army boots. Christina is praised for being the most improved, and the producers make sure we get another glimpse of Justin’s apology. This guy is a lot more contrite than Joseph Hazelwood ever was, I’ll tell you that much. Kelly was great, of course, and so was Tamyra. Who did I leave out? Oh. Nikki. Nikki has red hair.
Fresh off the success of “California Dreamin’”, we present the AI Kids and their new smash hit cover, “Joy To The World”. I remember learning this song in the sixth grade. I thought it was hilarious. A bullfrog? You don’t say! Then we did a round of “Row, Row, Row Your Boat” and went outside for recess. Ah, memories.

For tonight’s performance of the Three Dog Night classic, the kids have clearly put a lot of effort into rehearsing their singing and the parts they’ll take. They must have been short on time, however, because they put approximately zero seconds into choreography. None of them are doing the same moves. It’s just seven solo singers up there dancing however they feel like. Like if you grabbed Celine Dion, Jennifer Lopez, Bruce Springsteen, Shakira, Usher, Waylon Jennings and Wayne Newton and just threw them onstage and they all did their own thing, ignoring the others. It’s hilarious! And confusing. Are they even aware other people are onstage with them? They keep cutting in front of each other and doing their little dances. Why didn't Paula map out some moves for them ahead of time? "Stutter, step, fake, turn, turn, shuffle, dazzle!"
Each of the kids gets a lyric all to themselves, and they turn it out the way they usually do. Justin, of course, does his bobblehead doll dance. I think he really enjoys the feeling of his hair flouncing around. It must feel terrific when he washes it. I wonder if he screams like those doofs in the shampoo commercial. “Yes! Yes! I’m Justin!”
And, as all songs not performed by the Grateful Dead eventually do, the tune comes to an end. Ah, that was fun. Thanks, kids! Where do I mail my check for whatever charitable cause this was for?
But the fun’s over for now. Who’s in our bottom three tonight? We go through the now-standard routine of rehashing the judges’ comments, then teasingly letting it slip out whether voters agreed or not. Tension is good!
Tamyra, of course you’re safe. Kelly, you too. Kelly looked genuinely happy and surprised. I think that’s what everybody loves about her. Whenever people compliment me, I usually sneer and say, “Yeah, thanks, I know already.” Then the complimenter gets mad and takes it back. But Kelly is truly happy every time. How does she do it?
Nikki. Guess what? You should probably start off the show standing center stage because once again, you’re in the bottom three. “Dammit”, whispers Nikki. Into the microphone on her chest. Every week, this girl is put on the hook, but she keeps coming back. She’s like Rasputin. Or one of those gag birthday candles that you can’t blow out. Ryan, you’re also in the bottom three. I told you! I told you! Ha ha! Oh, wait. She’s not cut yet. Just in the bottom three. Let me hold off on the hysterics for now.
RJ, you’re safe. And hunky, if 13-year old girls are to be believed. Christina. Justin. One of you will join our group of almost-cuts. Justin looks like he’s about to cry. He has no experience with this situation whatsoever. His brain is racing to figure out how to process disappointment for the first time ever. It probably doesn’t help that those puka shells are cutting off the oxygen to his melon.
And Dunk says we’ll find out who’s in danger…after the break! Christina and Justin seem to be shocked by this news. Apparently, they haven’t been paying attention when this move has been pulled every other show.
Okay! We’re back! And the person joining Nikki and Ryan is…Justin! Christina is absolutely, completely, utterly and totally shocked and stunned it was Justin and not her. So are a lot of other people. I call them Americans. Here’s a pretty healthy lesson in humility for Justin. He stands up and has no idea where to go. This is a new experience for him. “But…but, I always get to stay on the couch! Where am I going?” Nikki comes over and shows Justin her well-worn path to the maybe pile.
Judges? Surprised by who is up here tonight? Randy isn’t. Paula hems and haws and uhs and ers in an attempt to avoid saying anything even as remotely negative as, “You could have been better.” Instead, she talks about how everybody has been great so far. Except for last night, I imagine. 
Simon says the show finally started last night because the three people cut to this point had no talent. Boy, Jim can't even catch a break two weeks after he went home. The two that stick around after this will be in great shape, he says. Also, song selection is key in every other show. Yes. All very good points. Thank you very much.
Let’s make this easier on one of you, says Seacrest. Justin thinks, “Okay, I’m done here. They’ve made an example of me and I can sit down now.” Nikki, you head back to the couch. Bwuh?!? Now Justin’s mind is really racing. “What am I doing out here? Could I really be cut? Could people really not like me? No, that can’t be possible. Look at my hair! What should I do? Help!”
If Justin survives this harrowing moment, look for a lot less attitude next week. Somewhere in the neighborhood of zero. If Ryan survives, look for her to sleepwalk through another performance next week as she tries to figure out how to get the heck out of here. 
As the tension builds while we wait to find out who didn't make the cut, Justin's innate smugness starts creeping back onstage. It's possible that this is the only emotion he's capable of expressing. Or maybe he's starting to realize the show is just making an example of him. Regardless, he looks pretty comfortable for a guy on the chopping block.
And…Justin…you're safe this week. Relief! I guess Seacrest didn't want to say the actual words, "Ryan, you're cut," in order to keep any romantic possibilities alive. Smart move.
And here…oh. Not yet. And here come…oh. Not yet. And here come the waterworks! There we go. Seacrest says Ryan is a great performer and will be a star one day. I can't wait to buy whatever products she instructs me to. I hope they're tasty and/or useful and/or enhance my sex appeal, which is considerable, judging from some of the e-mails I've received.

Before she goes, let's get a Ryan video montage, shall we? Lots of low cut pants, lots of belly. Lots of bow ties, lots of goofy faces. Lots of cleavage, lots of smiles from me. It's safe to say she has her look all mapped out. 
Randy tells her to keep working. Paula says, "You're great and I love you," or something like that. Simon says call me any time you want for any help you want. I was thinking the same thing. In fact, if she wants to replace my chucklehead of an assistant, I'll boot that kid out the door so fast he won't know which way is up. He has enough trouble figuring that out already, anyway.
So, Ryan's run has officially come to an end. Well, she had to go sometime. Unless, of course, she won. Which, of course, she didn't. So there she goes. Man, I will miss that body. And I imagine she will too when she's 40.
Dang. Throughout this contest, I had been hoping that Ryan and Christina would be the final two. Then, the votes between them would be a tie, so they'd have the girls take on each other in a makeout contest. Now that's a recap I would've loved to write! But, it'll never happen now. Except for when I'm asleep and drop into a little R.E.M action.
Goodbye, Torsonia, Queen of the Bellies. I have a feeling that within an hour of the end of tonight's show, the editorial staffs (why isn't it "staves", anyway?) of Maxim, Stuff and FHM will be tripping all over themselves to land her as cover bait. We'll get a picture of her in a slight bikini, rolling on the beach, giving us a lecherous, pensive glare. And next to her leg will be an oh-so-clever caption like, "Ryan! Our Favorite Starr!" Or, "Super Starr!" I'll see this headline and think, "Way to go, dudes. Nice effort." I've got it all mapped out already.
And now Ryan Starr is back to being just a plain ol' small town girl, albeit the hottest girl by a mile in said small town. It'll be interesting to see her in the future. Will she become a model? A sultry actress? The top right box on "Hollywood Squares"? A coffeehouse waitress? A hash slinger at the local diner who's bitter because she never made it and her auto mechanic husband keeps her in a dinky town? It remains to be seen. It also remains to be seen whether she'll be going by "Ryan" or "Sweet Lady Gloria". That's my favorite so far. I hope she goes with it.

Source:  http://www.idolonfox.msn.com