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Read Previous Part-31
Jedi Nights
32
Tiger Vs Tusker
“Goodle?” the Reporter
guessed.
“Exactly! I thought he would have found someone else to bother but he waited
for me. This time he had his five friends with him– the hooded Peer (who knew about my decision to leave the Gurudwara) and his sons. They attacked me viciously! Somehow Goodle had
gotten much more powerful than before and he bit into my arm here,” the Golden Guide showed
the Reporter a vicious-looking dark mark on his left arm
“The others attacked me too, clamping my
mouth shut so that I could utter no shabads. Anyhow, the truth is, I became so terrified that
I forgot everything that I had learnt and inwardly could only scream (silently) in pain and terror!
I hadn’t been cutting my hair and it had grown out so that it reached
what they considered to be draggable-length. They fully
took advantage of this, while screaming dark evil mantas into my ears. But as they dragged me away, my eyes caught sight of the street light. It’s yellow glow reminding
me of when I had seen Guru Gobind Singh jee in the mirror. I stopped screaming;
instead focusing completely on the vision.
  
Almost immediately, a ball of golden
lighting came streaking seemingly out of nowhere. It hit Goodle right smack on his head with such
force that it knocked him down. It sent him reeling down the street at a ferocious speed. Too surprised to scream or even
figure out what had happened, he hit a tree, getting completely tangled up in it. (Normally astral bodies can pass through
physical material but Goodle had somehow become partly physical – too bloody bad for him,
I say!).
This surprised all of
us so much that we all froze for a good 5 or 10 seconds! Then we looked up to we where the lighting ball had come
from and saw Nihung Jee standing on the second story of the Gurudwara.
He had cupped his hands - we could see him repeating something into it them (“WaheGuru”
(of course) he later told me). A ball of shimmering light crystals formed increasing in size until it filled his hands. He hurled it towards my assailants
The hooded Peer conjured up a ball of blackness casting it towards the gurudwara
muttering spells and shaking his staff. The lightening ball shot through the smudge like a burning missile, striking and shattering
the hooded Peer’s rod. The wand disintegrated into a cloud of black sooty sparks. The hooded Peer and his scaly accomplices
barely escaped the scorching blast. Slithering away into the darkness, they disappeared, defeated. They left me where I fell.
I began shrieking, my mind in a horrid state.
 
Nihung came running. Urgently, he lifted me by the shoulders and dragged me through the Gurudwara
gate. He attended to my arm binding the bleeding bite, and then took me inside. That wound took a good two weeks to
heal. I lived only because the naamis stayed beside me vigilantly japping
Mool Manter and WaheGuru WaheGuru the entire time.”
The Golden Guide stopped for a little while to catch his breath. He hadn’t
talked for so long, nonstop, for a long time and he felt quite tired. Realizing this, the Reporter suggested, “Tell you what, why don’t I come back tomorrow and we can finish the story?”
The Golden
Guide winked at him and said, “I’m afraid, my boy, tomorrow will be too late – this has to
be done today. Tell you what, why don’t we take a little break and we can conti…”
saying that the Golden Guide dozed off, right in
the middle of the sentence!
The Reporter got up and stretched – it had been while since he had sat so long listening nonstop
too. Thoroughly intrigued by the story, he wondered why the Golden Guide said it had to be finished tonight. Old people,
he thought shaking his head. He looked at an old faded picture on the wall of the Golden Guide wearing blue – “So he does wear other colors too, eh?” the Reporter smiled.
He then noticed that the CD player
was playing something with the volume turned off. He wondered what kind of stuff the Guide listened so he put on the headphones
and listened. He heard a lady doing katha of Jap Ji Sahib. It seemed
like an old, old recording. He guessed it to be the long ago Aunty Jee
doing one of her sessions…
swlwhI swlwih eyqI suriq
n pweIAw ] ndIAw AqY vwh pvih
smuMid n jwxIAih ] smuMd swh sulqwn
igrhw syqI mwlu Dnu
] kIVI quil n hovnI jy
iqsu mnhu n vIsrih ]23]
saalaahee saalaahi eaethee surath n paaeeaa
|| nadheeaa athai vaah pavehi samundh n jaaneeahi || samundh saah sulathaan girehaa
saethee maal dhhan || keerree
thul n hovanee jae this manahu n veesarehi
||
AMqu n isPqI khix n AMqu ] AMqu n krxY dyix n AMqu
] AMqu n vyKix suxix n AMqu
] AMqu n jwpY ikAw min mMqu
] AMqu n jwpY kIqw Awkwru
] AMqu n jwpY pwrwvwru ] AMq
kwrix kyqy ibllwih ] qw
ky AMq n pwey jwih
] eyhu AMqu n jwxY koie
] bhuqw khIAY bhuqw hoie
] vfw swihbu aUcw Qwau
] aUcy aupir aUcw nwau
] eyvfu aUcw hovY koie
] iqsu aUcy kau jwxY
soie ] jyvfu Awip jwxY
Awip Awip ] nwnk ndrI
krmI dwiq ]24]
anth n sifathee kehan n anth ||
anth n karanai dhaen n anth
|| anth n vaekhan sunan n anth
|| anth n jaapai kiaa man manth
|| anth n jaapai keethaa aakaar
|| anth n jaapai paaraavaar || anth
kaaran kaethae bilalaahi || thaa
kae anth n paaeae jaahi
|| eaehu anth n jaanai koe
|| bahuthaa keheeai bahuthaa hoe || vaddaa
saahib oochaa thhaao || oochae
oupar oochaa naao || eaevadd
oochaa hovai koe || this oochae
ko jaanai soe || jaevadd
aap jaanai aap aap
|| naanak nadharee karamee dhaath
||
Aunty Jee explained, “WaheGuru is too limitless to be comprehended by us - indeed no matter how much we praise WaheGuru,
there is always more to be praised! But Naam (at least in its initial sound form) is something we
can comprehend (and use) to merge with the wonder-filled WaheGuru.
What happens when the Guru graces us with Naam and submersion
with the WaheGuru? Dhan Guru Nanak answers that question by saying
that just like it is impossible to tell apart the water of an Ocean and river which has merged with it; similarly a naami and WaheGuru are indistinguishable. Indeed the naami
becomes as limitless and as big as WaheGuru; and …”
The Golden Guide woke up from his slumber and chuckled, “Yeah, that’s Aunty Jee, I keep her cassette
running all the time heh heh. You can listen to it if you want …
oh sure, you can take this copy, I have several more … ok, I’ll continue …
One morning, a few days after I had regained my health, Nihung
came into my room and said in a very authoritative voice, “The Panj order
your presence in the keertan hall!” An Amrit sanchar
had been planned for that day. I had thought long and hard and decided that I was unworthy to receive the blessing of Amrit.
I had decided firmly that I belonged in prison to pay for my deeds. In such a place, I would be unlikely to maintain an amritdhari
lifestyle.
Nihung Jee looked a little different
that day; his eyes wide unblinking and his color redder than usual. By that time I had learnt quite a bit about the Khalsa
way of things. I felt pretty sure this meant something serious was about to take place. I quickly cleaned up and went
into the keertan hall.
As soon as I entered, I felt the
presence of Guru Gobind Singh jee and I realized how much I missed him!
I fell on my knees asking for forgiveness and begging for Naam. I absolutely loved Guru Gobind Singh jee.
I *knew* getting Naam was the only way for me to feel this love all the time. I opened up my heart repenting
my past sins and asked for strength to maintain the Naami life in prison.
The Jathedaar leader asked what my punishment would
be if I turned myself in to the police. I thought about it and replied, “Either
imprisonment with hard labor, life incarceration or the death sentence.”
He responded,
“Guru
Nanak is generous and so you are going to get all three!! With Amrit Naam,
your old-self is going to die today and you are hereby under order of the Guru never to leave this Gurudwara
and shall spend your life in doing the hard labor of seva!”
Outside the gurudwara the sun set as the moon rose. In the twilight of dusk the
two of them sat together silently. Golden Guide relishing his memories,
the Reporter lost in thought, musing on how he would present this wonderful tale to his readers.
They heard the voice of someone starting Rehras Sahib
in the keertan hall and the Golden Guide got up saying, “Well, you
have the answer to the question you asked a rather long time ago. I never left the Gurudwara since.”
The Reporter asked him, “Didn’t you miss going outside?”
The Golden Guide answered, “On the contrary, I wish I had
discovered the inside earlier! Indeed in all this time, there hasn’t been a single moment when
I wished I was somewhere else. In fact,” he lowered his voice, “sometimes when there isn’t much work
outside, I don’t even leave this room!”
He paused for a moment then clasped both of the Reporter’s hands and murmured
tenderly, “My son, one graceful glance from Guru Gobind Singh jee
can make a wretch of a man limitlessly wealthy and forever content inside.”
As the Golden Guide got ready to go the keertan hall,
the Reporter asked if he could take the faded picture on the wall to be scanned. The
Golden Guide chuckled, “Oh, that picture fools everybody. That’s actually Nihung Jee –
yeah, he looked almost as good as me. Heh heh.”
He added,
“In case you are wondering about the “Guide”
part in my name, I started showing visitors around the Gurudwara. Despite my dislike of talking
heh heh, I became the unofficial Guide…. Well, I guess its time
to say Goodbye - fare well in your life, young man - it has been wonderful reliving all those years. And… and.. umm..I have been wondering, how come you didn’t take any notes during the whole interview, how
are you going to remember all this?”
The Reporter laughed, “Oh, I have an implanted audio and
video recorder running inside me all the time!”
The Golden Guide quite surprised replied, “Really?
Isn’t that illegal? It used to be so in my Goony days?”
“Oh no! It was legalized decades ago!” the Reported responded.
The Golden Guide quipped, “Wow! I really should get out more often!” They both laughed
as the Reporter got up. After thanking the Golden Guide and carefully placing the Jap Ji Sahib CD
in his pocket, he walked out into the cool evening.
The next day, the story made e-headlines. Readers bombarded the Reporter with
e-mails demanding more details about the Golden Guide. He compiled all the most relevant inquiries, the number one question
being: “How will the Golden Guide explain his decision to the new
owner of the land?”; then he called the Gurudwara. This is the transcript that the Jedi
Night Series obtained by sending one of our correspondents into the future:
--- Start of Transcript ---
Reporter (R): “Hello?”
Voice at the Gurudwara (V): “HELLO!”
R: (after lowering the volume to a minimum and keeping it a foot from his ear): “Yes,
I am a reporter and...”
V: “BHAT? I have all visa papers – I legal dhadhi
from Punjab…”
R: “No, sir, no...
Look, I want to talk to the Golden Guide.”
V: “OH, Golden
Guide, yah, yah - he die this morning!”
R: “No, no, the G-o-l-d-e-n
G-u-i-d-e, the tall man with golden clothes?”
V: “Yah, Yah,
old Goon; yah he die this morning.”
R: “What do you mean he die this morning?”
V: “Oooey,
vhat your problem, huh? vhich part of “he die this morning” ju
not understand? Ju no ears?!”
R: “No, you don’t
… how is that possible? .. that’s crazy… I spent the whole
day with him… he was perfectly fine yesterday.”
V: “Oooey,
dhat nothing. Today morning we do BahGur BahGur together; dhen he
say goodbye to everyone …. Hmmm. Dhat interesting - he usually not
do dhat, but today he do dhen go to his room and die!”
(Prolonged Silence)
V: Oooey, you still there – I waiting for call from home..
R: OK, I will let you go…
wait a minute.. when is the funeral?..
V: Oh, in morning
we cremate him on Gurudwara ground, since he never want to leave Gurudwara…
we know dhis illegal but who care? Eh?...
<smack> a female voice, “Vey BEWAKOOFA, eh kee boli jaa rihaan? Sanu kissey musseebat vich payenga!!
Os bhale manas Golden Guide di thavein rabb tainu chuk lainda te changa si! Band kar apna bootha!!”
(sorry, no subtitles available, please
ask your dad to read it to you if you can’t read it yourself –
I’m sure he’ll recognize it- What’s
that Reader # 2? Even your Daddy needs subtitles – Oh very well…gotta keep the readers happy…
<Subtitles by Subtitle Artist>
Ju STUPID (man) vhat nonsense Ju are saying? Vant to get us into trouble!! It vould have been
better if God had taken dhis dummy instead of dhat good person Golden Guide! Shut Ju mouth!!
V: Sorry, my wife
say no more talk. Goodbye!
--- End of Transcript ---
We also told our time-correspondent to look at the hukamnama
that the Golden Guide received at his funeral and here it is:
siqgur mUriq kau bil
jwau ] AMqir ipAws cwiqRk ijau jl kI sPl drsnu
kid pWau ]1] rhwau ]
sathigur moorath ko bal jaao || anthar piaas chaathrik jio jal
kee safal dharasan kadh
paano ||
I am a sacrifice to the True Guru. My inner-being is filled with a great thirst, like that of the song-bird for
water, for the True Guru’s fruitful vision.
AnwQw ko nwQu srb pRiqpwlku Bgiq vClu hir nwau ] jw kau koie n rwKY
pRwxI iqsu qU dyih
Asrwau ]
anaathhaa ko naathh sarab prathipaalak bhagath vashhal har naao ||
jaa ko koe n raakhai
praanee this thoo dhaehi asaraao
||
O True Guru – you are the real parent of orphans; the cherisher of all and lover of the devotees of Naam. Those rejected by everyone are accepted
and loved by you.
inDirAw Dr ingiqAw giq inQwivAw
qU Qwau ] dh ids jWau
qhW qU sMgy qyrI kIriq krm kmwau ]
nidhhariaa dhhar nigathiaa gath nithhaaviaa thoo thhaao || dheh dhis jaano thehaan
thoo sangae thaeree keerath
karam kamaao ||
You are the support of the wretches, home to the homeless. Wherever I go, you are there with me. I rejoice in
singing your praises.
~
Pssst: you want to make some
money while enjoying this fine, fine series. Well, I’m gonna tell you this even though
it’s illegal. We asked our time-correspondent to check out the Jedi Night’s stock too and I’m telling
it is astronomically higher than what it is today. So if you missed out on the big moves by DELL and MSFT, don’t
despair: buy JN today and in 50 years, you can retire, guaranteed! This is such an under-the-radar gem that it’s
not even listed on any stock exchange. But for a limited time, you can send money directly to the authors and we’ll
do the buying for you (at author’s special rate).
<Now my gentle readers, let us come down the time-ladder to the present and from there
proceed up the astral-ladder to the Interstellar Elevator where the joRi Phar
kid is telling his story…>
“Unlike all the previous storytellers, I didn’t feel disoriented at
all when I found myself in my previous life. I did then exactly what I do these days, that is beating
up joRis. The evening diwan had finished (and so had 3 joRis)
and time had come for ardaas. As usual, I poked Prashad Maker to
wake him up. I wish I knew a politically correct way to say this, but boy was
that buttery ball of fat! Very, very fat! As his name applies, he made the Prashad (the
good Lard only knows how much of it he kept for himself).
Anyway, after ardaas, a Singh came running and prostrated
himself in front of Shahan Shah Guru Gobind Singh jee.
“There is bad news, Sire!” he began, “We have just heard that the Moghuls have devised a weapon to break down
our Fort’s door. They have a very big bull elephant with enormously long tusks. They plan to feed it gallons of liquor
all night until it gets reeling drunk and then send him crashing through our gate. Our
spies tell us that they plan to attack in the morning!”
Some of us laughed because a drunken elephant seemed so absurd. But seeing the
concern on the Jathedaar’s face, we sobered up realizing this indeed to be a serious situation.
We fell silent and looked towards the Guru; he smiled. Something about Him made everything worldly seem trivial and we all
relaxed, confident things would be ok.
Guru looked around.
His eyes rested on Prashad Maker, who shifted a little nervously. Then Guru spoke,
“We will send our elephant to fight theirs!”
All eyes fell enviously on Prashad Maker. For most, to be chosen by the Guru was the greatest honor a Sikh could hope for. But Prashad
Maker didn’t seem to think so. He nodded slightly. As soon as the
Guru left the room, the amply endowed Prasad Maker ambled over to our leader and said,
“Jathedaar Saab Jee, it is an honor
to serve the Khalsa but I think there has been a terrible, terrible mistake – as you know I am not a fighter and…”
The Jathedaar smiled replying, “The Guru makes no mistakes. Consider yourself blessed that you
have been chosen personally by the celestial
King!”
“Yes,
of course,” Prashad Maker continued, “But if I go and WaheGuru
forbid, I don’t come back; who is going to do the Prashad-making seva?
You personally have told me on many occasions that no one else knows how to make it as deliciously as I do.”
The Jathedaar grew a little impatient and said, “That, my portly petulant perfectionist
can be arranged. You still have the remainder of the night; perhaps you can teach someone your finer prashad-making
tricks.”
“But,”
the Prashad Maker continued,
“Who will do the prashad distribution seva
if I am gone?” The Jathedaar answered, “I will do it!”
There was silence for a moment before the dismal postulator implored desperately,
“But who will eat the left-over prashad, Jathedaar
Jee? Please save me from this ordeal, please!”
The Jathedaar patted him on the back and said, “Mahanta, don’t
worry. Guru Sahib saves everyone!”
After hearing this, we all left the diwan. Some of us joked about the Prashad Maker pathetic excuses.
One Singh said smacking his lips, “Get your stomachs ready, Singho. The seva
of finishing up left-over prashad might just all into our hands!” Smirking we all and went to langar.
The next morning, after the naam simran
session, nitnem and asa-dee-vaar (during
which 2 more joRis met their maker – hey they don’t call it “vaar” for nothing!)
we all looked around for the Prashad Maker. His usual leaning-against-the-wall-snoring behind
the-Singhs-performing-keertan station had been abandoned. We soon discovered that he had escaped
during the night by tying himself to a rope and lowering himself along the back wall. Alas, the rope could not sustain
such an assault and broke before Prashad Maker had finished his descent. His friends hauled him
home; his hulk sustaining a dislocated haunch, and hung hamstring, but happy to be not fighting elephants!
Once again we looked at the Guru for guidance. This time his eyes rested
on a tall and lean Singh by the name of Bachitar Singh. The Guru spoke, “We will send our tiger to fight their elephant!”
Bachitar Singh, at first, too stunned to react, straightened up; the color of his already naam-drenched
face deepened with joy and bliss. He then stood with folded hands affirming, “Your grace, Sire, can make an ant defeat an army. It is an honor to
be chosen …” his voice quivered
emotionally and he stopped, lest he break down with joyous gratitude.
The Guru signaled him to come closer. – Bachitar
Singh knelt down in front of Him. The Guru put his eternal-life-giving hand on the Singh’s shoulder saying,
“WaheGuru is with you! Nihaal,
Singha, Nihaal!”
I swear Bachitar Singh’s sprits rose so high that
his feet didn’t touch ground as he prepared for battle. Tears freely flowed from his eyes as he sang shabads
upon shabads about the greatness of the Guru and the gift of Naam.
At mid-morning, the Jathedaar summoned us stating, “Today, yet again, we are being attacked by
an enemy who knows only hatred. But as our Guru has taught us, we fight back – oh boy, do we ever fight back –
when the enemy refuses to negotiate understanding nothing but the sharp edge of a sword!” Saying that he unsheathed his Sri Sahib which reflected the sunlight
into our already-bir-raas-filled eyes!
A Singh called out a spontaneous jaikaraa, “JOo BOooole
SOoo Nihaaaal!”
And we answered “Sat Sri Akaaaaal!” We were ready to face any bloody enemy in the world!
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