10:50pm

My god, it seems as though I am slowly slipping day by day.

I just got back from watching The Blair Witch Project, and for the first time in all my years of watching horror movies, I am speechless. I honestly don't know how to tell you why I liked it, just that I did. But this movie, as creepy as it was, was the high-point of my day.

My day begins at 7 am, where I start working. I get frustrated very easily, especially from physical exertion, and today was no exception. I'm so fucking stressed out because of this whole communicational cut-off from Mint, that I came home kinda pissy. And even after a shower, I was still tense. Then someone very close to me made a comment about paying long distance, then pointed thet comment at me, which set me off. And after I blew up, I walked over to Lin, apologized, walked outside, and cried.

My buddy Shawn saw how upset I was, so he took me to his place, where we listened to music, and just relaxed. Didn't help much. Then we went to the movies. Didn't help much. And now, I'm sitting in front of the computer typing my life away to no one who cares.

I'm wondering if this is just my desperate attempt for more attention. Martine is always right when she says I'm an attention craver. I am. I'm shy, but I do like the attention. And lately, I've been getting a lot of it for all the wrong reasons. And when friends are saying things like "you act different you're not the same Rug i used to know", I know that I'm only getting worse.

I wonder if there really is any type of help out there for me. I'm in counselling now, but I doubt that will do any good. I had hoped work would take my mind off things, but it hasn't. I'm just constantly reminded of why I got a job in the first place ; so I could help her pay rent for when she moved here.

I'm falling down a seemingly endless pit, with no hope of ever climbing back up. And the thought of it makes me laugh.

Basically, I'm fucked. And if I let my self survive until the Millenium, then I will be impressed. All I'm seeing right now is me standing at the edge of a cliff, and I'm ready to jump.

Sincerely Yours,