10:49pm

We had our annual '4 Steps to Stardom' tournament today, and we won.

My situation at home has drastically deteriorated. Lorne has driven Jen and I to extremes. Our basement has been totally re-arranged (Jen's room is now a living room, and my bedroom is a fucking nightmare), and we were forced to give away Spanky, the family dog.

The thing I hate the most is that I'm so helpless in this situation. I can't tell him off, because he'll kick me out, and I have nowhere to go. People might say I can stay with them, but after spending a month or so with me, they'll realize why I got kicked out in the first place. Nope, my life is truly venturing in a downward spiral.

Friends keep getting me to try and talk about it. No thanks. They try to cheer me up by saying things will get better or how they will hook me up with someone who deserves me. Bullshit. Things are not looking up at all, and no female is stupid enough to wanna have an actual relationship with me. None of them are that nuts. I'm so emotionally unstable, I'd prolly cause them to have a nervous breakdown.

I always ask myself 'What would make you truly happy?' and I always come up with the same answer : I want to die. I don't want to have to worry about pleasing others, meeting people's standards, looking good, being successful, having this, having that. I don't want to be a social reproduction of something I am not. I want to be me, but apparently that's not good enough. So how do I solve this problem?

Killing myself won't do the trick. Been there. Done that. Unsuccessfully, obviously. Perhaps voluntarily admitting myself into a mental institution for depression. That might help. I can't keep blowing up on people because it's not fair to them. Especially the people close to me. Half the time it's not even their fault. It's just the fact that they're there at that point in time, and I don't think, I just explode.

Predictions for my future are simple : single, because any candidate for a wife will be scared off by my sporatic tantrums. Job? Nope. Won't be able to handle authority. End up telling my boss off. Still won't have a license. Still won't have a car. Family will probably have disowned me. But if nothing else, there will always be one thing positive about my life. Whatever I've earned, I'll have earned it honestly and fairly. No one will ever be able to say that I cheated them about. That's not how I work.

I think what I need is to rid myself of the source of all my problems : I need to get the hell out of this house. I'm moving to Barrie in the summer for college, but summer isn't soon enough.

And my friends wonder why I look forward to the weekends so much. They think it's because of bowling...

Sincerely Yours,