10:05pm

October 2, 2000, Gabrielle Gignac passed away. She had been sick for a couple weeks, and I didn't know what was wrong with her or what to do. I never called a doctor for her, so in the end, her death was on my hands. Gabe was my pet rat. The title for today's entry represents Gabe's resting place now, 1½ feet in the ground in my backyard.

Throughout my life, I have failed at many things, but I could jusr brush them off. No worries. Try again next time. But, when Gabe died, I felt so ashamed of myself. I let her die. All I had to do was call a vet, but I didn't. Ever have one of those times when you're so disgusted with yourself due to how miserably you failed at something? Well, that's how I felt at work today. All day, as I was raking gravel, all I could think of was how much she didn't deserve to die, but rather I did for neglecting to get her the treatment she needed. There's pond scum, then rat shit, and then me. That's how low I feel right now.

And as if things weren't going bad enough for me lately, I sit here now and think that after tomorrow, I am once again unemployed. I have English to do for correspondence which I've had for over a month and haven't touched, and then there's my A+ course. I'm thinking I just can't pass that course. WAY too much reading. I'm not that motivated. I swear I'm the most lazy person I know, (Maybe I've said that before)

Steph came to see me on Sunday while I was bowling in Elmvale. It was our 6 Month Anniversary. Good thing, right? Wrong. She got in big shit, to which in the midst of the conversation I was referred to as "the Asshole" by a certain mother which will remain anonymous...suffice to say, I wasn't too impressed. Seriously, though. I don't get her parents at all. You would think being married all these years would've given them some sense when it comes to relationships. When Rob comes to town, great. Let him come see Steph, his girlfriend. Steph wants to go see Rob, her boyfriend. No. He has to come see you. Where's the sense in this? I would like to know, because it's really pissing me off. There's no way in Hell that I'm going to see Steph everytime. It's not fair to me. This is one aspect of our relationship I CAN be selfish on, because everytime we've seen each other when we were allowed to, it was me going to see her. Not right at all.

I'm also starting to wonder if I'm ever going to get this Canada Wood job. The one I was s'posed to start about a month ago. I got called once, but since I was working a double at my other job and no one was home to answer the phone, I didn't get the job. So now it's a waiting game, and I'm becoming more discouraged every day. Right now I'm on a temporary gig with Stewart's Construction, but it ends tomorrow. Not looking good, considering I have a $2100 computer to pay off, as wel as my magazine subscription, Columbia House, and minor debts here and there. This is not going well whatsoever.

I wonder what's going to happen now? I'm slowly starting to not care about my diploma anymore. The more I think of it, the more I realize I won't ever get it. Not smart enough. Not enough motivation. Take your pick. Of course, without a diploma, I can kiss college goodbye, and with it any decent paying job I could ever want. Ah well! Nothing wrong with being a street sweeper for the rest of my life.

No matter what kind of jam I'm in though, I can always turn to Steph. She always makes me feel better, regardless of what I've done, not done, etc. I guess that's what they mean by unconditional love. Kind of a nice thing when ya think about it. d=-)

Guess I should head to bed soon, since I only got 4 hours sleep last night and I gotta be up at 6.

Sincerely Yours,