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CO DEPENDANCY BY ANGEL FEMIA These days we here the word co-dependant everywhere. Many don't know the proper meaning of this sickness. Co-dependency is one of the root illnesses that we are left with from our abuse issues. Co-dependency can destroy any relationship we enter into, make us weak and needy, in ways that can never be satisfied, fills us with desperation that can and many times does lead to suicide. Another name I give to co-dependency is a need to be needed. There are two parties to this game: This type of relationship there are two main factors: one person is needed and the other needs. The person that is needed may seem strong when in fact he or she has to have their ego padded non stop and must be in complete control of all that goes on with in the relationship. Similar to a spoiled brat. This person will fly off the handle very quickly and display temper tantrum like personalities, when they do not get their own way. The needy person or the visually weaker person is filled with self pity, complaints, almost like a suck hole attitude. This person is constantly suicidal and can do absolutely nothing, comfortably, without their counter part. Many of today's marriages, parent/child relationships, friendships and many other relationships, are co-dependently based. This is one of the main reasons for domestic violence and child abuse. It is also one of the main reasons some of our children are having shooting sprees at our schools. Serious and deadly. To brake this we have to work very hard. We First have to open our eyes, come out of denial and look clearly and honestly at ourselves, then we have to see all of our weaknesses and begin to strengthen them, finally we must set proper personal boundaries for ourselves. Co-Dependency is the very root of Abuse: These entries define co-dependency: When you give up your boundaries in a relationship you: {Taken from:" How to be an Adult - A Handbook on Psychological and Spiritual Integration" by David Richo, Ph.d.} 1. Are unclear about your preferences 2. Do not notice unhappiness since enduring is your concern 3. Alter your behavior, plans, opinions, to fit the current moods or circumstances of another (live reactively) 4. Do more and more for less and less 5. Take as truth the most recent opinion you have heard 6. Live hopefully while wishing and waiting 7. Are satisfied if you are coping and surviving 8. Let others minimal improvement maintain your stalemate 9. Have few hobbies because you have no attention span for self directed activity 10. Make exceptions for this person for things you would not tolerate in anyone else and accept a libis 11. Are manipulated by flattery so that you lose objectivity 12. Keep trying to create intimacy with a narcissist 13. Are so strongly affected by another that obsession results 14. Will forsake every personal limit to get "love" or the promise of it 15. See your partner as causing your excitement 16. Feel hurt and victimized but not angry 17. Act out of compliance and compromise 18. Do favours that you inwardly resist (cannot say NO) 19. Disregard intuition in favor of wishes 20. Allow your partner to abuse your children or friends 21. Mostly feel afraid and confused 22. Are enmeshed in a drama that unfolds beyond your control 23. Are living a life that is not yours, and that seems unalterable 24. Commit yourself for as long as the other needs you to be committed that way (no bottom line) Below are some good pointers on what boundaries are needed to heal this Co-Dependency: When your boundaries are intact in a relationship you: 1. Have clear preferences and act on them 2. Recognize when you are happy / unhappy 3. Acknowledge moods and circumstances around you while remaining centered (live actively) 4. Do more that gets results 5. Trust your own intuition while being open to others' opinions 6. Live optimistically while co-working on change 7. Are only satisfied if you are thriving 8. Are encouraged by sincere ongoing change for the better 9. Have excited interest in self - enhancing hobbies and projects 10. Have a personal standard that, albeit flexible, applies to everyone and ask for accountability 11. Appreciate feedback and can distinguish it from attempts to manipulate 12. Relate only to partners with whom mutual love is possible 13. Are strongly affected by your partner's behavior and take it as information 14. Integrate sex so that you can enjoy it but never at the cost to your integrity 15. See your partner as stimulating your excitement 16. Let yourself feel anger, say "Ouch!" and embark on a program of change 17. Act out pf agreement and negotiation 18. Only do favors you choose to do (can say NO) 19. Honor intuition and distinguish them from wishes 20. Insist others' boundaries be as safe as yours 21. Mostly feel secure and clear 22. Are always aware of choices 23. Are living a life that mostly approximates what you always wanted for yourself 24. Decide how, to what extent, and how long you will be committed 25. Protect your private matters without having to lie or be surreptitious Please use these examples to heal yourself and your families! Written by: Angel Femia of LoveCry |
