SHOPPING AT OTTAWA

 

 A store that sells husbands has just opened in Ottawa where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is comprised of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

 

 So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

 

 On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

 

 Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

 

 The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.

 

 The second floor sign reads:

 

 Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

 

The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.

 

The third floor sign reads:

 

 Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good  looking.

 

"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

 

The fourth floor sign reads:

 

 Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.

 

"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.

 

The fifth floor sign reads:

 

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

 

 "Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.

 

 The sixth floor sign reads:

 

 Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor.

 

There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

 

 Thank you for shopping Husband Mart and have a nice day.

 

(Recommended by PHUC NGUYEN)

 

 

NEW VIRUS

 

There is a new virus out with the code name "Work". If you receive "Work" from your colleagues, your boss or anyone else, do not touch it under any circumstances. This virus wipes out your private life completely.

 

If you should come into contact with this virus, put on your coat, take two good friends and go straight to the nearest pub. Order three beers and, after repeating this several times, you will find that "Work" has been completely deleted from your brain.

 

Forward this warning immediately to five friends. If you suddenly realize that you do not have five friends then you are already infected with this virus and "Work" already controls your whole life.

 

This virus is deadly. Please take heed.

 

(Recommended  by TTL )

 

 

DARK IN HERE

 

A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her nine year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts her lover in the closet with the little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here".

The man says, "Yes it is".

Boy "I have a baseball".

Man "That's nice".

Boy "Want to buy it?"

Man "No, thanks".

Boy "My dad's outside".

Man "OK, how much?"

Boy "$250".

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy "Dark in here".

Man "yes it is".

Boy "I have a baseball glove".

Man - remembering the last time, asks, "How much?"

Boy "$750".

Man "Fine".

A few days later, the father says to the son, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth".

The boy says, "I Can't. I sold them".

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says, "$1000".

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess".

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here".

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again".

(brought to you by PHUC NGUYEN)

 

TIPS FOR THANKSGIVING

 

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery is enough."

 

-Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

 

-"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

 

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way"

 

 

(selected  by PHUC NGUYEN)

 

 

 

PIZZA ORDER

 

 Operator : "Thank you for calling Pizza House . May I have your..."

 Customer: "Haloo, can I order.."

 Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?"

 Customer: "It's eh..., hold on......6102049998-45-54610"

 Operator : "OK... you're .. Mr. Singh and you're calling from 17 Jalan Kayu. Your home number is 4094 2366, your office 7645 2302 and your mobile is 014 266 2566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?

 Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?"

 Operator : "We are connected to the system, Sir."

 Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza.."

 Operator : "That's not a good idea, Sir."

 Customer: "How come ?"

 Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level, Sir."

 Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"

 Operator : "Try our Low Fat Hokier Mea Pizza. Youll like it."

 Customer: "How do you know for sure ?"

 Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled 'Popular Hokier Dishes' from the National Library last week, Sir."

 Customer: "Ok, I give up... Give me three family sized ones then. How much will that cost?

 Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is $49.99.

 Customer: "Can I pay by credit card?"

 Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir.  Your credit card is over the limit, and youre owing your bank $3,720.55 since October last year. That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir."

Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighborhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives."

 Operator : "You can't, Sir. Based on the records, you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal todaỵ"

 Customer: "Never mind! Just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long is it going to take anyway ?"

  Operator : "About 45 minutes, Sir, but if you can't wait, you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle..."

 Customer: " What!"

 Operator : "According to the details in the system, you own a Scooter,...registration number E1123..."

 Customer: " *'!^ *%^**%^I#*"

 Operator : "Better watch your language, Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987? You were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman..."

 Customer: [Speechless]

 Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"

 Customer: "Nothing... By the way.. Aren't you giving me the 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?"

 Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on our records, youre also a diabetic....... "

 

(brought to you by POOL VERDELL and NGUOI RACH GIA)

 

 

WHY ???

 

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful ?"

 

God says: "So you would love her."

 

"But God," the man says: "Why did you make her so dumb ?"

 

God says: "So she would love you."

 

(rec. by NGUOI RACH GIA)

 

 

THE true MEANING OF this ATTENTIVE STARE

 

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered; He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him; The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her; (As all men will.); Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her:

-"I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00...on one condition.; (There are always conditions);

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was; The man replied:

-"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words," (controlling huh);

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into; the man's hand along with her address; She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, and meaningfully, said...

 

 

- Clean my house !!!!

 

(brought to you by NGUOI RACH GIA)

 

 

The new sermon

 

The entire congregation came out to hear the preacher's first sermon. It lasted for a mere eight minutes. The next Sunday, the preacher's sermon was forty-five minutes. His third sermon was two and a half hours in duration.

 

The pulpit committee called the preacher in and asked, " What's happening here? "

 

The preacher replied, " Well, on the first Sunday all of my teeth had just been pulled. My mouth was sore, so my sermon was short. The next week, I had my new dentures and I was feeling fine. "

 

The committee leader said, " But, your third sermon was two and a half hours long! "

 

" Oh, yes, " the preacher responded. " The third week, I picked up my wife's dentures by mistake and I couldn't stop talking!

 

(recommended by NGUOI RACH GIA)

 

 

BANK ROBBERY

 

This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.

 

 Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers,who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank. The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, " At least we'll have a bit to eat ". The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding.

 

 The process continued until all safes were opened. They did not find One pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding. Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.

 

 The newspaper headline read:

 

 IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING ..

 

(recommended by CHAU HIEN QUANG)

 

 

An 80 year old man

 

An 80 year old man walks into a hospital and says:

-I wanna donate some sperm.

 So the nurse gives him a jar and tells him to come back tomorrow with the sperm. The next day, he came back but the jar was empty. So, the nurse asks:

- What happened? Where's the sperm?

 Well, he replies: I went home and I tried so hard! I used my right hand and then my left hand. Then my wife tried! She used her right hand and then she tried her left hand! Then she used her mouth, once using her teeth and once without. Then we asked our neighbor to come over and she tried with her left hand and then her right hand! then she tried with her mouth, once with her teeth and once without.

 The nurse gasps

-Oh dear! You even asked your neighbor!

 The man says ...

 

 

 

-Yeah..and we still couldn't get the jar open!

 

 

(brought to you by BUIBAOSON,PHUCQUACH,CHAUHIENQUANG)