NUDE ON THE BEACH
 

 There was a guy sunbathing in the nude on the beach. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.
 

The girl came up to him and asked, " what do you have under the newspaper ?"

 Thinking quickly, the guy replied, "A bird." The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in the hospital in tremendous pain. The police asked him what happened.

 The guy says, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me a question, I guess I dozed off and the next thing I know is I'm here."

 The police went to the beach, found the little girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked fellow ?"

 After a pause, the girl replied, "To him ? Nothing. I was playing with his bird and it spit on me. So, I broke its neck cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire !"

 

Moral of the story .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. Never lie to a female.

(Rec. by TRINH SON LUONG)

 

 

NO NURSING HOME FOR ME

 About 2 years ago, my wife and I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess liner. At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room. I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters, busboys, etc., all seemed very familiar with this lady. I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told that she owned the line, but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back-to-back.

 As we left the dining room one evening, I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, "I understand you've been on this ship for the last four cruises". She replied, "Yes, that's true." I stated, "I don't understand" and she replied, without a pause, "It's cheaper than a nursing home".

 So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations on a Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of
 $135 per day.

 That leaves $65 a day for:

 1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.

 2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast-in-bed every day of the week).

 3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.

 4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.

 5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

 6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.

 7. T.V. broken ? Light bulb need changing ? Need to have the mattress replaced ? No Problem ! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.

 8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.

 9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

 Now hold on for the best ! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go ? Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.

PS: And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side -- at no charge.

(Slected by DUONG NGOC LIEU)

 

NAGGING WIFE

 

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the Wife passed away.

The undertaker told the Husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000; or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."

 

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150 ?"

 

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

 

(Brought to you by DUONG NGOC LIEU)

 

 

THE BREAK UP LETTER.

(Selected by LL-TLW)

 

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

 

"Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great.

I must admit that I have cheated on you twice since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry.

Please return the picture of me that sent to you.

Love, Becky."

 

The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins, etc .. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope .. along with this note (as attach at the bottom):

 

"Dear Becky,

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the hell you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take care,

Ricky."

 

ENGLISH !!!

 

This is a true story from the Japanese Embassy in US !!!

A few years ago, Japan's Prime Minister Mori was given some Basic English Conversation training before he visited Washington and met president Bill Clinton.

The instructor told Mori "Prime Minister, when you shake hands with
President Clinton, please say "How are you". Then Mr. Clinton will say,"I'm fine, and you ?" Now you should say "me too". Afterwards we, translators, will do all the work for you."

It looked quite simple, but the truth was .... When Mori met Clinton, he mistakenly said "Who Are You?".

Mr. Clinton was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor:
"Well, I am Hilary's husband, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Then Mori replied confidently "Me too, hahaha..hahaha"

Then there was a long silence in the meeting room.

 

(Selected by DUONG NGOC LIEU)

 

 

MY FIRST CONDOM

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went  into a drugstore to buy a package of condoms. There was a beautiful woman behind the counter, and she could  see that I was new at it.

She handed me the package and asked, if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No."

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store. It was empty. She said, "Just a minute," and walked to the door, and locked it.

Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her
blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. She asked,

"Do these excite you ?" Well ! , I was so dumbstruck that all I could do was nod my head.

She then said, it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down on a desk.

"Well, come on," she insisted, "we don't have much time."

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that unfortunately, I  could no longer hold back and pow, I was done within a few minutes. She looked at me with a frown.

"Did you put that condom on ?"

I replied, "I sure did," and held up my thumb to show her.

(Brought to you by LL-TLW)

WILL I LIVE TO BE 90 ?

I recently picked a new primary care physician.  After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well for my age". A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 90 ?"

He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine ?" "Oh no,". I replied. "I'm not doing either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs ?" I said, "No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" "No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex ?". "No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit if you live to be 90 ?"

(Selected by DUONG LIEU)

 

ONIONS and CHRISTMAS TREES

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there ?
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After sixty they are like onions."
"Onions ?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

 

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of "willies" are there ?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree ?"

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

(Brought to you by LL-TLW)