"Leave everyone and everything immediately! Go out of state (if possible) to visit a friend of family member that you can share everything with. Take a long weekend to do this. It all crashes down so hard on d-day, and it seems impossible to get even a little bitty thought together in your mind. Getting away, free from distractions, and the immediate culprit did wonders for me. I also would advise someone to not make ANY kind of decisions on what to do for at least a month, no matter what it looks like. Fear and anger propel us to ACT. However, "acting out" can be harmful upon finding out about the affair initially."

~~from snowbunnie2965

 

" 1. If possible, in the immediate aftermath, see if you can get a couple of days off of work, AND have someone watch your children...now I know that for many people both of these may be impossible, but I can tell you that for the first couple of days, I was useless as a mom and as an employee, since this competely devistated me, and my concentration was squat.

2. If it can be afforded, see a therapist, counselor, clergy member IMMEDIATELY. I think that objective, insightful help can be much more beneficial than sitting with a group of your closest friends, who obviously hate to see you hurting, and may not be the most qualified to give you advice. With this kind of news, your first thought is to leave, but sometimes, with work and patience, a marriage can be put back on track.

3. Pamper yourself. Go out and get a manicure, a new haircut, anything that will put some attention onto you. So often we just need nothing but an escape from the pain that we are enduring.

4. As I have learned here, I thought that the pain and emotion would leave so much more quickly than it has. And it still lingers. I think that maybe a detailed website or something that gives the stages of grieving might be helpful, since it is so true that a BS does experience grief, in all of its forms."~~from elizabeth1990

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""First, You Cry" was the name of a book written by a woman who was diagnosed with breast cancer many years ago. When thinking about this question, that was the first thing that came to mind. When I found out about the A, I was stunned and then the waterworks came and I thought they'd never stop...

I'm sure others have given great advice so far (haven't read it yet), but here's my two cents:

1. If you can get away from everything and everybody, even if it's only for an hour or a day, whatever, do so.

2. Let yourself feel whatever you're feeling. Tears, anger, rage, whatever -- and if you have kids, it's easier to do that if they're not around.

3. Don't DO anything until you know what you want to do. While you're in the throes of despair, you're going to change your mind about this a dozen times. Until you get yourself together, you're likely to do something that you will deeply regret later.

4. Don't contact the OW/OM. They don't give a flying d @ mn about your pain and will probably make you feel worse. (Despite conventional wisdom, I'm not convinced that you should NEVER contact this person, but DON'T do it in the first few weeks while your head is spinning.)

5. Get therapy. I called a therapist three days after I found out. If you can't get therapy, at the very least, find WHATEVER means of positive support that you can. Find a message board like this one; tell the people closest to you that you trust and that you know will be supportive.

6. Weigh which of your friends to tell. When you're in pain, sometimes you want to tell everyone, but if you decide to rebuild or even if you're not sure, there's usually one negative friend or family member who means well but will make you feel like hell while you're trying to decide what to do.

7. Eat something. Sounds stupid, but -- I lost 10 pounds in two weeks because my appetite all but disappeared, and I've heard many women here say the same thing. Even if it's just a few crackers or some soup, make yourself eat a little something every day.

8. Trust your instincts. You know what you know. Your H/W/SO is going to lie through his or her teeth, so prepare yourself for it." ~~from bowed_notbroken

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"I wish I would've read "When your lover is a liar" as it takes you thru what to do step by step. It's a good book no matter when you read it, but I wish I had more info before confrontation. It gives you ideas on what to say and what to expect. Also, definately get away (suggested in the book). Allow yourself some time b/c the pain is incredible. I was so completely off guard and taken aback, I could not even cry. Shock is overpowering."~~from imaggiemae

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"Keep your cool, keep your dignity. It's bad enough losing a spouse like this but losing your dignity and sense of self is even worse... just adds to the problem.

My best advice is to NOT confront the OW (or OM if your'e a hubby). That adds fuel to the fire. I just let my husband go on his own and learn by himself that this OW was not really what he was looking for. Soon she started smothering him and he ran far far away from her thinking, "What was I thinking?" ("Good question ya goober" is what I felt like saying).

Anyway, if you truly love your mate like I loved mine I wanted him to be truly happy even if it wasn't with me. I never told him he was making the biggest mistake of his life because he truly though it was a great choice. I let him learn the hard way. This turned out to be easier on me because I wasn't constantly thinking of how I could get the two of them apart and my husband was wondering why I wasn't going off the deep end about it all. THAT showed him how much I really do love him. I prepared myself for him leaving and was ready for life alone (couldn't be all that bad) but thank goodness he saw the err of his ways before moving out (my thought was if he crossed that last line to physically break up the family then I didn't need him anymore anyway).

So my advice is love yourself, keep cool, let it go because you're woth more than that to someone who will really care (if it's not your mate you just "lost")." ~~from franvan

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"...I've had to continually remind myself not to allow him to place all the blame on me. I have also found writing out my feelings help alot. A first though remember to keep your head and dignity--don't allow him to bring you into a state of frenzy. My H always tries to become attached to my hip and doesn't want to give me breathing room--remember who you are and know that there are people (your family, your friends and this board) who care deeply about you and want you to survive. It's hard--very hard but you can and will survive."~~from jndavis

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"I would say trust your gut. If it walks/talks like a duck it probably is"~~from summrheat777

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"DON'T beg, plead, grovel, apologize

DON'T accept the blame for his/her affair

DON'T contact the OW/OM (even if it was a very good friend. Pretend like he/she just vanished off the face of the earth. This person is not good for you, in fact he/she is toxic. And it only makes the OW/OM feel less guilty if they can unload their guilt on you and try to get you to forgive and forget.)

DON'T let anger/pain rule your decisions (it will be very tempting to make rash decisions while still very angry and hurt... try to avoid making major or even minor decisions right after d-day... related: DON'T go clear out the bank account(s) no matter how tempting!!)

DON'T let your health suffer (very easy to succumb to depression, extreme loss of appetite, very low self-esteem. This one is hard, because sometimes your body kicks in and there is nothing you can do about it. I lost 10 lbs in about two weeks)

DON'T let anyone -- your spouse, friends, relatives -- tell you that you should "get over it" or "be over it by now". You'll deal with it in your own way, on your own timeframe.

DON'T tell the world. (It's tempting. See the list of DO's for who to tell).

DON'T tell yourself that your spouse couldn't love you, and still do this to you. (Yes, they really can still love you, and still have an affair. Hard to believe, I know.)

DON'T let your spouse fence-sit. (this should have been #1 actually. Fence-sitting means he/she waffles between you and the OW/OM and keeps you both strung along for their own enjoyment. Tell spouse they have to make a decision, a choice. NOW.)

DON'T let spouse "gently break it off" with the OW/OM (i.e. DON'T let the spouse seek "closure" with the OW/OM. There are differing opinions on this one. Sometimes it is necessary, but the best option for your marriage is for spouse to break it off, cleanly and immediately.)

DON'T wait around at home for spouse, if they are fence-sitting. (Don't be available. If you have no choice, because of children, then keep as distant as possible)

DON'T lose yourself or your marriage in all this. (These are *his/her* decisions to cheat, not yours)

DON'T buy into the story that their love affair is the soulmate love relationship of the century. A lot of it is pure fantasy and escapism. And many people get involved in affairs purely for the fantasy, they realize the relationship and goo-goo eyes and butterflies would come to a screeching halt if put to the "24 hours per day/7 days per week/52 weeks per year/20 years" test. Remember that this lover has not put up with your spouse's moods/dirty socks/slight personality flaws like you have.

My list of DO's (based on the decisions I'm glad I made, as well as some I did not, but wish I had)

================== DO's ==========================

DO find a good friend, or a therapist that you can confide in and who lets you cry on their shoulder. Just one.(IT can be friend, a family member, a pastor or religious figure, a neighbor. Just one good friend is all you need. And not one that tells you to just ignore it or get over it.)

DO try to eat, and take care of yourself through all this turmoil.

DO visit this board, and post your questions, vents, joy, pain, anguish, insecurities, doubts.

DO start putting away some money in another account here and there (if you are a SAHM mom and are worried about this happening again in the future and being 'stuck' in the marriage. This may seem like your keeping a secret from your spouse, which you are, but it is also a security blanket for your own sanity).

DO outline in no uncertain terms exactly what behavior you expect from your H/W if you want to stay married and rebuild. (wish I had done that.... that includes, asking him detailed questions that he has to answer honestly, if that is what you need to heal)

DO take responsibility your part in the marriage/relationship (but again, DO NOT accept responsibility for your spouse's affair or stupid decisions)

DO be careful about which detailed questions you ask your spouse (be careful of how much information you really need/want to know. Some details can cause triggers for the rest of your days, and can greatly hurt the healing process)

DO realize that there will be trigger after trigger for quite some time, but that your reactions to them will get less and less acute over time (triggers can be certain phrases, a look, a place, a car, a person's name, a calendar date, looking at old photos, vacation spots, cel phones, etc. You name it.)

DO throw out any cutsie gifts,cards,clothing,CD's, notes,memorabilia that you suspect may have been given to your spouse by the OW/OM, and that your spouse is saving

DO go out and purchase a whole new bed if they had sex in your bed (sorry) (or sofa or pool table or whatever)

DO go out and purchase a new car or trade it in if you suspect they had sex in the car (sorry again)

DO realize that trust will be very hard to regain, and that you may never trust your spouse fully, again.

DO know that there are a ton of other women and men who have been through exactly what you are going through, and they (we) will *totally* understand every emotion, worry and vent that you are experiencing. Nothing is too drastic or too trivial or too silly. ***DO*** know that you have support here if you need it.

DO something nice for yourself (another DON'T: DON'T cater to your H's every wish and need now, because you feel 'guilty' that he had an affair. I can't stress this enough!!!!!!!!!! DO concentrate on *YOU* for awhile! You need to do this.)

DO realize that your spouse will be able to lie right to your face (while looking in your eyes, swearing on the top of your child's head, beating a tatoo on your dog's head ... whatever .... take everything they tell you with massive grains of salt)

DO keep any evidence you may find, and duplicates. You never know if you will need it at some later date.

DO what you need to do, what you want to do.

Whatever it takes." ~~from a valued member, who wishes to remain anonymous