Here's some big lessons I've learned from my own life experiences, and from others that I have followed
on this board:
1. A marriage will NEVER be successfully rebuilt if the betrayer does not determine why they cheated. The
road that led them to cheating must be recognized and dealt with so it will never happen again. Any cheater that blames the
spouse for his/her actions is only in DENIAL. Never ever believe any of this was your fault. No matter how bad of a spouse
your spouse tries to make you believe you are, it's your spouses actions that your spouse is responsible for, NOT YOU!
2. A marriage will NEVER be succesfully rebuilt if the betrayer is not sincerely remorseful for his actions.
How do you believe in that sincerity when you don't even trust them anymore? All I can say to that is ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER
THAN WORDS. And again, GO WITH YOUR GUT!
3. A marriage will NEVER be successfully rebuilt until a fence-sitter is knocked off that fence. And, the
ONLY way to knock them off is to 100% completely IGNORE them. NO CONTACT until he/she comes crawling back and PROVES to you
that they have ended the A.
4. This 4th one is hard for me to type, because I've never been one to promote counseling. This is another
mistake I made. I refused to go. I thought this board was enough for me and H was willing to go, but didn't really want to
either. I now believe that if any marriage is in trouble that it can't be fixed without help. Whether it be a T, a pastor,
a neutral family friend, I think it's an individual decision that must be made by the parties involved. Only YOU know what
is best for YOU. But some type of counseling IMO is mandatory.
5. Never ASSUME! I think the old saying has been quoted here for ages! But it is so true. Trust your gut
and know that just because the betrayer thinks it will never happen again doesn't make it so. My H was certain that after
only attending 2 AA meetings, and after seeing the devastation that his A caused our family, that he would never drink or
cheat again. I believed him. Love can be blind. ALWAYS LISTEN TO YOUR HEAD BEFORE YOUR HEART. It can be very very hard to
do that, but it is very important.
6. DON'T TAKE HIM/HER BACK JUST FOR THE KIDS! OMG this is the worst mistake you can make. My H is the product
of parents who where both alcoholics, whose Mother hid his Father's paychecks so he wouldn't spend all their money at the
bar. She stayed for the 5 kids that she felt she couldn't support. She and her H only taught my H how to drink his problems
away. If H's Dad had been a cheater, she only would have taught them that cheating was acceptable in a marriage. I never ever
want my kids to think that, or to have to live through what I have lived through.
7. I should have kicked him out the first time he cheated. I let him stay and started our rebuilding after
only a week. That was a huge mistake on my part. He needed to see what this was all going to cost him. This time he was gone
a month. He slept in his truck. I even left town one weekend and allowed him to stay here. He had to sleep in our bed without
me. He tells me now that was the worst month of his life and that night alone in our bed, I know, was the worst night. They
really need to see what this is going to cost them.
This is all I can think of right now. I thank anyone who got through this long list of mine for having the
patience to read it all. It is very important to me that NO ONE repeats my mistakes. And please, remember, no matter what
decision you make, this board will support you. I know they did me.......I love you all for that........huge hugs.......found
