The Bible - Endsville Style

This weeks selection is from the 4th Chapter of 1st Kings. The first part of the of the book of First Kings deals with the establishment of King Solomon as King of Israel. Later the building of the temple and the resultant apostasy and disruption and vile idolatry occurs but I don't have time for that crap today.

The Honorable Reverend Caleb Solar summons the Holy Spirit to guide him.

1 Kings Chapter 4: 20-34

20. Judah and Israel were many, as the sand which is by the sea in multitude, eating and drinking and making merry. 21. And Solomon reigned over all kingdoms from the river unto the land of the Philistines, and unto the border of Egypt: they brought presents, and served Solomon all the days of his life. 22. And Solomon's provision for one day was thirty measures of fine flour, and three-score measures of meal, 23. Ten fat oxen, and twenty oxen out of the pastures, and a hundred sheep, beside harts, and roebucks, and fallow deer, and fatted fowl.

Sounds like there's gonna be a massive repopulation of the earth by the DOoFS till we number like the sands on the beaches! Woo Hoo!!! And all the animals we bring on the Ark will be reproducing too so we will never lack for food, be as blessed as Solomon. The references to Solomon of course are meant to really be about The Honorable Reverend Caleb Solar, the righteous and wise man of our times, blessed in the sight of the One True God.

24. For he had dominion over all the region on this side of the river, from Tiphsay even to Azzah, over all the kings on this side the river: and he had peace on all sides round about him. 25. And Judah and Israel dwelt safely, every man under his vine and under his fig tree, from Dan even to Beersheba, all the days of Solomon. 26. And Solomon had forty thousand stalls of horses for his chariots, and twelve thousand horsemen. 27. And those officers provided victual for king Solomon, and for all that came unto king Solomon's table, every man in his month: they lacked nothing. 28. Barley also and straw for the horses and dromedaries brought they unto the place where the officers were, every man according to his charge.

All this crap means that Caleb will usher in an era of peace and prosperity post-Quellish (Let It Friggin Come!) We'll all be safe as can be, all those silly, pesky enemies dead, we can rest under our fig trees and chill out majorly. With all the richs of this world bestowed on us through the righteousness of The Most Honorable Reverend Caleb Solar.

Elizabeth and Kenneth awaiting their daily pudding ration!

29. And God gave Solomon wisdom and understand exceeding much, and largeness of heart, even as the sand that is on the seashore. 30. And Solomon's wisdom excelled the wisdom of all the children of the east country, and all the wisdom of Egypt. 31. For he was wiser than all men; than Ethan the Ezrahite and Heman, and Chalcol and Darda, the sons of Mahol: and his fame was in all nations round about.

All these stuff about wisdom of course refers to the ultimate wisdom of Caleb. God has truly gifted Caleb Solar with more wisdom than He laid upon Solomon, I mean Solomon really screwed up bigtime down the line by fooling around with all those sluts, he ended up with over 700 wives and over 300 girlfriends and God got really pissed off and did him in. Caleb's smarter than that, he only does what God tells him to do.

32. And he spake three thousand proverbs: and his songs were a thousand and five. 33. And he spake of trees from the cedar tree that is in Lebanon even unto the hyssop that springeth out of the wall: he spake also of beasts, and of fowl, and of creeping things, and of fishes. 34. And there came of all people to hear the wisdom of Solomon, from all kings of the earth, which had heard of his wisdom.

Just like Caleb! But not everyone has had the Sacred opportunity to hear the wisdom of Caleb Solar but we are spreading his word. Take heed and be saved from the ravages of El Agua or face your own personal hellish and false Confluence of Horrors! (WHUP!)