The Bible - Endsville Style

We won't be covering the entire book of Genesis as lots of it seem to be a utterly confusing mess but we will be  starting with Chapter 6 through Chapter 9, just all the good stuff that deals with Noah and his family.

My "Strong's Concordance" says that it means God's judgment on mankind and I ain't gonna argue that!

The Most Exalted and Honorable Reverend Caleb Solar explaining the Scriptures to his flock.

CHAPTER 6

WIckedness of mankind!

And it came to pass, when men began to multiply on the face of the earth, and daughters were born unto them, 2. That the sons of God saw the daughters of men that they were fair; and they took them wives of all which they chose. 3. And the Lord said, "My spirit shall not always strive with man, for that he also is flesh: yet his days shall be a hundred and twenty years.

Sounds like there was a WHOLE lotta boot-knocking going on! Booty call!

4. THere were giants in the earth in those days; and also after that, when the sons of God came in unto the daughters of men and they bare children to them, the same became mighty men which were of old, men of renown. 5. And God saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually. 6. And it repented the Lord that he had made man on the earth, and it grieved him at his heart.

Sounds like even the angels were getting some.

7.And the Lord said, I will destroy man whom I have created from the face of the earth; both man and beast, and the creeping thing, and the fowls of the air; for it repenteth me that I have made them. 8. But Noah found grace in the eyes of the Lord. 9. THese are the generations of Noah: Noah was a just man and perfect in his generations, and Noah walked with God. 10. And Noah begat three sons, Shem, Ham and Japheth.

Same as now, the entire world is a screwed-up place and only Caleb walks in Gods grace.

11. The earth also was corrupt before God, and the earth was filled with violence. 12. And God looked upon the earth, and behold, it was corrupt; for all flesh had corrupted his way upon the earth. 13. And God said to Noah, The end of all flesh is come before me; for the earth is filled with violence through them; and behold, I will destroy them with the earth.

Hey! You think the earth was corrupt then, I am afraid to think how corrupt it is now, what with the lottery, lesbian chatrooms and Donald Trump. God came to Caleb and said the exact same thing, Get Ready for Quellish! (Let It Come!)

14. Make thee an ark of gopher wood; rooms shalt thou make in the ark, and shalt pitch it within and without with pitch. 15. And this is the fashion which thou shalt make it of" The length of the ark shall be three hundred cubits, the breadth of it fifty cubits, and the height of it thirty cubits. 16. A window shalt thou make to the ark, and in the cubit shalt thou finish it above; and the door of the ark shalt thou set in the side thereof; with lower, second and third stories shalt thou make it.

Cool! God even handed out instructions on exactly what He wanted done. Note to Shawn: What's a "cubit"?

17. And, behold, I, even I, do bring a flood of waters upon the earth to destroy all flesh, wherein is the breath of life, from under heaven; and every thing that is in the earth shall die. 18. But with thee will I establish my covenant; and thou shalt come into the ark , thou, and thy sons, and they wife, and they sons' wives with thee. 19. And of every living thing of all flesh, two of every sort shalt thou bring into the ark, to keep them alive with thee; they shall be male and female. 20. Of fowls after their kind and of cattle after their kind, of every creeping thing of the earth after his kind, two of every sort shall come unto thee, to keep them alive. 21.And take thou unto thee of all food that is eaten, and thou shalt gather it to thee; and it shall be for food for thee, and for them. 22. Thus did Noah; according to all that God commanded him , so did he.

All this means that if we wanna be warm, safe and dry while God pours El Agua on our butts, we have to be on the Ark of Salvation. And God wants us to stockpile fruit cups and pudding, you can NEVER have too much pudding around!

Reverend Caleb Solar and Kenneth show Ivy around the Compound

Chapter 7

Noah enters the ark

And the Lord said unto Noah, Come thou and all thy house into the ark; for thee have I seen righteous before me in this generation. 2. Of every clean beast thou shalt take to thee by sevens, the male and his female; and of the beasts that are not clean by two, the male and his female. 3. Of fowls also of the air by sevens, the male and the female; to keep seed alive upon the face of all the earth.   4. For yet seven days and I will cause it to rain upon the earth forty days and forty nights; and every living substance that I have made will I destroy from off the face of the earth. 5. And Noah did according unto all that the Lord commanded him. 6. And Noah was six hundred years old when the flood of waters was upon the earth.

God giving out His good instructions, just like He has done with the Honorable Reverend Caleb Solar. Also if you are faithful to the Lord and do His bidding He will grant you long life as He did Noah, betcha Caleb lives to be at least a hundred or more!

Look! I am not gonna write out anymore scriptures today so I am gonna just give you the highlights of the rest of it and what it "REALLY" means! God got super-pissed and after Noah and his family and all those frigging animals (Just imagine what the Ark smelled like before they got off it! Yuck!!) got on the Ark, God dumped  like millions of gallons of water on the earth, rained 40 days and nights, more water than is in the Playboy Mansions Blue Grotto! Everybody croaked bigtime! Everyone except for Noah and his buds. They floated around for a long time till the Ark landed on top of some mountain and then they all got out and started doing the Wild Thing and replentishing the earth in one hell of a hurry. Then Noah built an altar and killed some of those animals on it! Then he got drunk.

What this means to the Divine Order of Faithful Servants is that all our friggin enemies will drown on the glorious day of Quellish! (Let It Come!) We will thrill to see them clawing at the sides of the Ark of Salvation as they beg for their lifes, the pitiful fools! They had their chances! We will be the ones getting drunk and repopulating the earth post-Quellish!!! (Let It Finally Freaking Come!) Oh happy day! Oh HappyyyyyyyyyyDAY!

Caleb eagerly anticipating that Happy Day!

Genesis 2-25 And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.

Post-Quellish (Let It Come!) is what this is talking about..will be clothing optional like "Survivor", that Richard dude had the right idea...

Genesis 6:6 - The Lord was sorry that he had made humans on the earth and he was heartbroken

True then, true now...Quellish Let It Come!