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One Year In Cyber Space!,
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May1,1999
Finally made it friends, having a major overhaul on my pages,(thanks Skip:-)
so bear with me here.....or I can give you Skip's email and you can yell at
him. LOL....well here we are first day of May. Hoping on a better month
here friends. Went out with Coni last nite, (she worked with me at the
deli) and hey, I wore leather shorts! size6!! gotta tell you, it felt
great! Can I get to a 5????? Lets see, will she get a new job? Will
she not lose her mind????? Stayed tuned, have a great day and talk to
you all tomorrow
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May2,1999
Hiya friends.....as you can all see, the web site is coming along.....
like the home page says "patience is a virtue". Which I never had much
of....I still cant believe all that has happened in a year since I have
been here, of course the weight loss.....why I started this page, the
events that have unfolded, the friends that were there to support me and
cheer with me when I needed it.....I love you all so much. As for what this
year will bring, I have no idea. Everything here at home is such a mess,
I have to move, finaces that are a mess, no job, no Tami,my daughter
not really wanting to come home.....and the non stop battle of self-hatred
and self-destruction. Though, there were the "fifteen minutes of fame"
here and there, re:the articles. Anyway,it has been a year that has helped me
and others and that is why I am here, and will stay here.....yet of course
sans another puter crash, but I will be back. Hope you all stick with me,
Im sure there will be plenty of action.....love ya all and talk to you
tomorrow
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May3,1999
Another day of feeling so tired and worn out...I really hate this feeling,
and I think for sure tomorrow I need to get up and move around, get some
exercise going....I feel like its a total physical and mental crash..
and all I want to do is sleep away reality......does that make any sense?
Not wanting to face anything, just make it sleep away. Anyway, Keith and
I took a trip with Rich to Vermont this morning....I thought it would help
to get out of the house some, and it was pretty nice. A change of normal
routine. Well, thats all I have to say today, kinda boring....sorry. I just
wonder, where did I go????? and how to get me back. Talk to you all
tomorrow
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May4,1999
Still looking for me here.....took a vitamin this morning and it really
helped with the tiredness and laziness. Did shopping and cleaning today,
and tomorrow I am GOING to start back to a normal exercise program. Rich
was home today and I really hate exercising with him around. Hes leaving
out tonite til Friday. Anyway, life is going on, just wish it would wait
up for me. Talk to you tomorrow
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May5,1999
Hi friends, well maybe a job,went to the Salvation army today and they are
looking for sorters for the clothes. Hey there is a fringe benefit here,
I can put the good ones away for me :-),its not a glamour job, but the
hours are good, 12-4 mon-fri and maybe I can feel better about myself.
Trying to get motivated for a walk here, its so nice out. I am feeling
a little more energy coming on, but really still kinda of in the dumps.
Not looking forward to mothers day without Annie here as well, not much
of a special day without her....(heavy sigh) I miss Tami today too..
but still no word from her, guess I wasnt all that special to her..
but still miss her. Okay enough of the pity party, going to get my walk in.....
maybe I will feel better.
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May6,1999
No word yet on the Salavation army job yet, but going to keep my chin
up and keep looking in the meantime. Took my walk yesterday, and did
some today, it does seem to help some, get my energy and mood back up.
Last night the landlord called and he wants to show the house Sunday..
figures, Mothers Day no less. He is such a pain in the a**. I do look
forward to the day that we get out of here...soon. My pants seem to be
getting a tad bit tighter, not sure if its water or god...a gain. I better
keep my walking up and watch the food. Thats all I need now, a gain...
Coni is coming by for a barbecue later, looking forward to that, I really
miss working with her.....so talk to you all tomorrow. Maybe I will
have good news!
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May7,1999
Got another possible job oppurtunity, this is some sort of electronic
soldering of small parts...I worked ten years for Narda/Loral on Long
Island doing electronics, but then again I was making fifteen dollars
an hour and doing goverment work.....Im sure this little shop isnt
that big....but hey, he doesnt have to train me! I gave a call, left
a message....wish me luck. Rich is home and he has to go to North Carolina
tomorrow, he wants Keith and I to come, Im awfully depressed, Mothers
Day really does not mean much to me this year....failing with Andrea,
I dont feel like I should be honored...or that Rich should honor me
either, its so much my fault as always brought out...What to do? I want
to be here if Annie calls, but then the dumb a** landlord wants to come here
Sunday and I dont want to be home....Just in a slump still. Anyway,
if you dont see a post til Monday, then you know I went..so all you
Moms have a great Mothers Day, and all the rest a great weekend. Love
ya all and see you all soon
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May8,1999
Good news and bad news today, the good news is that I get to see my
Annie tomorrow...her dad is bringing her up and I get to have breakfast
with both my children for moms day, and my ex....which ya know, I thought
about it last nite, and I have absoultly no feelings at all when I think
of him, which is a good thing...I used to feel such intense hatred, which
of course we all know is an emotion and a very strong one. I feel no
hatred, love, like, or dislike...just indifference. Pretty good, and
something I never thought I could overcome. Anyway, I am more then excited
to see my daughter...I talked to her last nite, and she got all great
grades on her report card and her dad said that she is doing pretty good.
Keith just came home before with a big rosebush all ready to bloom,
and I am so touched (he used his own allowance money) hes such a good kid.
Bad news, more from the "employment challenged" that soldering job I
told you about yesterday, she called me last nite, and we talked for
an hour, she told me I was perfect for the job, pretty decent salary,
and flexiable hours....then I get, "Well Rose, you sure are what we
are looking for, just about perfect for the job...but we already hired
another woman on a trial basis, so if she doesnt work out, I will be
sure to call you"....she will probably work out. I was and still am
more then depressed, fighting feelings of failure and despair......
I try and talk about it with Rich, though I get more grief...that I
shouldnt feel the way I feel. I should just keep my mouth shut and
talk to the puter like I always do. So, I will talk to you all tomorrow,
since I am not going to No Carolina, I am seeing my Annie :-)
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May9,1999
Happy Mothers day all, mine was pretty nice. I got see Andrea, she made
me a really pretty wooden plaque and some candles, and her and Keith and
their dad took me to breakfast, then we took the kids to the fun&games
arcade, pretty nice, of course when she was ready to leave we were both
breaking down, and god I want her home so bad.......I cant wait til
she gets out of school,and hopefully want to come home. Besides that Tami
asked me to come to dinner! Cant believe she finally talked to me. Not
too sure if we are even going to talk about the "fight" but it was nice
that ahe took an effort and invited me and Keith over.....well, Willie
needs me to fix his puter also......lol. Well guess thats all to say,
Rich is headed for No Carolina and I guess I wont hear from him til later,
so see you all tomorrow and have a great holiday!
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May10,1999
Rich is mad at me, I had no right spending the day with my kids and my
ex, I ruined Mothers Day for him.....he came home today, took apart my puter
threw it and out it in the burn barrel, before he could burn it, I called
the cops, and for the first time in 8 years I had to have the police
remove my husband from the house. I was thrown around and hurt, another
first.....he layed his hands on me in anger, I did not have him arrested,
he swears that he didnt hurt me on purpose and I deserved it. My crime?
I threw out a telephone bill that had some calls on it that I didnt want
him to know about.....old friends, and nothing else, but males. I deserve
my computer burned up, I should not have any friends, and going out once a
week with Coni is way out of control.......Its just better to get on the
couch and gain 100 pounds again.....my life is out of control, and I
feel like Im losing my mind........
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May11,1999
Well, another day of the life of a woman that is getting to the point
of total insanity, but hey, I still have it with me friends, strength
that is...I went and found a place to live. Its a 3 bedroom bungalow,
small and owned by my lovely boss that fired me, go figure? Though, its
a home and its only 450 a month. Think I can handle it. I need a job..
the lady that wanted me for the soldering job called, and asked me if
I wanted to come in....I said YES! I was so excited, then she says,
do you have long fingernails? I said yeah.....but I will shorten them
if thats a problem, and she said yes, you cant have any...I said, why
not? I did this for ten years with long nails and never had a problem.
So, I said I will have them removed.......but I have to get to the nail
tech to do that, and she said "oh forget it" and hung up on me. Guess
that was a sign of a "troubled boss". Tomorrow is another day, going to
the personal agency in town and also to REMAX, a realtor, they are looking
for an office worker that has computer knowledge. Worth a shot. There
may be hope yet for this "employment challenged" lady here. I know this
post is kinda on the light side, inside Im a broken hearted, sad woman.....
and what is happening and all, Im just shell shocked. All of you that
wrote to me ((((((((HUGS)))))))) Its all of your letters that brought
me back to my inner self inside, who is strong, and a survivor, and
will overcome once again. I promise to write back to all of you as soon
as I can, you are all so special to me.The only thing is, I still love
Rich so much.....talk to you tomorrow
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May12,1999
My day started off pretty good, got up, put on a nice dress and went
to go look for a job, called REMAX, and got an appt tomorrow at nine
for mostly frontdesk, puter work, scanning house pictures, using Microsoft
Word(((((EEK, kinda said I could use it well, well I guess I can bluff)
Then off to the personal agency in town, who Millie, the lady that ran
the place loved my nails :-) and is a former Long Islander herself, and
also is convinced on my theory that this town is full of inbreds.....
anyway, I can get a 6 week legal aid job right away, or a job with
the water company doing basic office work. I was feeling pretty positive,
and confident that yes, maybe I am not employment challenged....
Rich called when I got home, and I am not allowed to get a job, nor write
a check, til I talk over all that I have done wrong in this relationship,
my page is being read, and I will not say I am a lair. I will admit to
making mistakes, and not always being right on my decisions, and not
always being the best mom or wife, but I know I tried.....and thats all I
am going to say about this matter. I just wanted to spread my wings and
see how much I could fly. Talk to you all tomorrow
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May13,1999
Had my interview with REMAX, and without trying to sound too excited,
I think I may have gotten the job......its a pretty good one too, good
pay, good hours and lots of puter work, telephones, greeting clients,
and the best part is, chance for advancement, no deadend no where job.
Im just nervous about not getting it, but have to think positive. He told
me that he will call in a day or two and see where he can start me, that
sounds good, no? Other then that, still waiting for Rich to get home,
and see what is going to happen. I know I have lots of letters to get
caught up with and I will.....thanks again all of you for being there
for me. You too Lori and Kenny :-) (my sis and b-i-l) love you both.
Frank, ya know, bro....thanks. You are always there for me....Talk to
you all tomorrow
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May14,1999
I didnt hear anything from REMAX yet, and with the way I feel today, I
have that feeling that it wont happen either. I know, not a good way
to think, but my friends I am and always was worthless, and just a
screwup.....I dont know why, the past? That I am selfish, and care
about nothing but myself? Who knows.....all I know is that this past
year and this page has healed, helped and have made me so many beautiful
friends....I have never had this much enjoyment and fullfillment before,
who would think, that a little diet journal would turn out to be so
wonderful for me, and I know alot of others. All of you that I have inspired,
keep cheering you on, all that have inspired me to keep hanging on.
What a wonderful little part of this great big screwy world. I love
you all. Again I am sorry on not getting my letters written, and I will
when I can. I just want to say I am so glad that I was here, part of
the cyber world, part of all of your lives, and allowed you to be part
of mine. Good and bad, sad and happy, we are always there for each
other. I have to add that my love birds have layed an egg, rebirth,
a new life that I get to witness. Its a beautiful thing. Since there
name is Ricky&Lucy, I guess baby will be Desi.....lol. I want to end
this with see you tomorrow, but I dont know if I will be here tomorrow
or my page. I love you all.
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May15,1999
I am okay all, and I am sorry if I made my last post seem, well not
that encouraging. Lori, again, I am okay and sorry.. I have not much
to say today, it was hard even getting out of bed. Though as you all
know me so well, I will get out of bed and go on. Love you all, and
see you tomorrow.......
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May16,1999
Not a good day at all today, where to begin? No word from REMAX, its been
3 days, safe to say they really arent interested, though I think tomorrow
I can give a call...whats the worse? I still have the personal agency
to hang on too. I have asked Rich for a seperation, and when I move to
the new house it will be just with Keith. I need time alone, figure
out why I am such a mess with all in my life, with my husband, my
children, and basically myself. I have hurt Rich more then I could
ever hurt anyone, though in my way of thinking lately, Im giving him
a chance to find a woman that can make him happy...He says that he
wants me and only me, though look at my life, so much damage, so much
abuse....what good can I be to anyone? Theres so much that I want in
my life, a good relationship with my husband, healthy happy kids, a
job that I can feel proud about, and of course my friendships and my
home here in cyber space. Rich says that I cant handle all of that,
that I get out of control. I thought I did okay, but maybe I dont see
myself like others see me.....just a big damaged mess. I will talk
to you all tomorrow
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May17,1999
This is the third post I have tried to make, and I swear if it gets
messed up again, Im going to explode.....okay, taking deep breaths...
is fine. I had a GREAT day! It all started out the same, ya know, didnt
want to get out of bed, but I did and said I will do something, either
it be getting boxes, looking for a job, something. Then a very beautiful
thing happened, my friend called me. Her name is Jeannie, and I really
dont know her well, she has been reading my web page, and writing...
what a beautiful and caring soul, and Jeannie, you made my day, sent
me some sunshine, and encouragment ((((((HUGS)))))) Thank you from
the bottom of my heart. I ask all of you to go visit with her at her
web site
Jeannie's Journal
she is truly a beautiful woman inside and out....(yeah, girl, ya got it
going on :-). Anyway, while we were on the phone, a got a beep, and
lo and behold it was the Salvation Army....I start tomorrow, 12-4.
Yeah, its not REMAX (Which I really really want) or the personal agency....
but something is telling me I might just now get the calls I want to.
So for now, its the clothes sorter....its something. No longer employment
challenged! Then when I went to feed my birds, my Lucy and Ricky laid
another egg, I am going to have two love birds hatching in two weeks...
its so cool for lack of a better word. Finally, I have made an appointment
with a counsler, sure I take meds to cure my symptoms, but I want to
work out what causes these symptoms....I am back on my feet friends.
Talk to you all tomorrow
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May18,1999
Lucy laid another egg!!!! LOL, the pet shop guy said that she could
lay up to 5!!!!! major lovebird maternity ward going on. Hope they
are gonna make it. Okay, I HATE this job!!!!! It totally sucks. I have
to hang clothes on the hangers, price them and thats it. Its in the
back room, and they want 350 pieces hung a day. I did 201, well, I started
late because I had to fill out like 30 pages of info......so I think
201 is okay, watch..another "you are too slow" Anyway, its a job right?
Im stil going to keep looking as well.....I just feel something is
going spring up besides another egg from Lucy :-)
talk to you all tomorrow
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May19,1999
Another wonderful day at the Salvation Boutique....Hey, I got 297 pieces
of clothes hung up, U go girl! (lol) All I can say is that the girls
in the back there are pretty cool, and laugh and joke alot. Im so tired
friends, I feel so bad about all the letters that I havent answered yet.
I will, Im just a little out of it these past few days. Talk to you
all tomorrow
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May22,1999
Im back.....I know its been a few days, and honestly I havent even
been near the computer or done much of anything. Rich came home Thurs
and we spent alot of time talking and all....the seperation, why, and
what is going to come of all of this. Tomorrow, Sunday I promise that
I will get into that inbox, answer them letters...(Im so sorry friends)
I just needed some time to get my head together, back on track, and
stay strong. Love you all and talk to you tomorrow, PS....by the way,
Lucy has 5 eggs!!!!!
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May23,1999
Okay, we are up to 7 eggs! I have no idea what I am going to do
with 9 lovebirds....and thinking of going with the Brady Bunch names
and Alice.....what do u think? Other then that, just a rainy dreary
day and rather just curl up in bed and watch Lifetime movies....(dont
you just love them movies?) Though, I am commited to answering all
my letters, and other little things I need to fix on my page before
tomorrow where I have to go back to work and really have to start packing.
You think thats going to burn calories??? I havent done much of anything
as far as exercising goes. Eating, some days I eat a little too much,
emotional I know. Some days I hardly eat at all.....not gaining, but
not losing either....just want 8 more pounds friends. Is that too
much to ask????? Well, not going to obsess, and talk to you all tomorrow.
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May24,1999
Hiya friends, made my quota at work today, WAHOO!!! I got myself a job.
LOL.....gotta laugh, ya know how I feel about that Tammy Faye look....
I get to have Annie with this weekend! Im so excited....Her dad is going
to go camping up here, so he's dropping her off Sat morning, and she
is spending the nite, I get paid Friday too, so at least I can take her and
Keith out or something. I cant wait to see her, I miss her so much.
Still trying to hold on to my sanity here, the move, the seperation,
trying to rememeber Im supposed to be losing the rest of my weight...
paying bills, keeping up with the web page and all the letters....I must
admit I am stronger then I give myself credit for....talk to you all
tomorrow
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May25,1999
Another wonderful day.....where to begin? Keith has been taking my
credit cards and using them on the net, for the sex pages.....isnt that
something to be so proud of? He was doing it in the morning when I was
asleep....he knew he wasnt allowed on the net without me present....
and going in my wallet? Taking my cards...thank god I had the money to
cover it....over 250$ friends. He's only ten...I called these company's and
they told me that they will refund my money, but thats not the point
is it? First Andrea, now my little guy. I must stop and start to think
that I am definately doing something wrong here as far as motherhood
goes. My family is all apart, Im all apart..but I will put it back together.
I have too, I am the strong one, arent I? By the way, Lucy laid another
egg....will they ever stop????? Talk to you all tomorrow
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May26,1999
Today was hard, hard to keep my mind focused, I got this problem with
Keith, the move and not packing at all, Annie is causing problems with
her dad,(just got that news tonite) the seperation, money....its like
a spool of yarn just unraveling and I cant roll it back up again. Eating
everything in site today, thought I broke myself of that habit....
I want to go to Tahiti
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May27,1999
Still want to go to Tahiti.....but trying to get focused. Found out last
nite that I do not have a Lucy & Ricky, but rather a Lucy&Lucy....I have
ten eggs, and after doing research on the web, found out that I have
two females....going to see the petshop guy tomorrow before work.
Getting myself back on track as far as the "binge eating" My jeans
this morning was more then a tad bit too tight. Havent been on the
scale, afraid to, but I know I have a gain....I always go by my clothes.
Im going to my first counseling tomorrow before work at the "boutique"
and hoping that it will help some what. I know once again I have been
lax with my letters, and once again I apologize. You all have been so
supportive and caring and I love you all for being there when I need
you the most....Please bear with me. Talk to you all tomorrow
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May29,1999
Had a hard time editing last night, so not too sure if I was making
HTML mistakes or it was tripod again. So better make this short and
start next months journal...I have alot to say to you all, that all
have been with me through this year. It will be hard, but its time
for Truth, honesty, and some confessions. Abuse takes such tolls on
people, causes so much self destruction, we all know that, but then
again sometimes we destoy others in the process. People that don't
deserve it. Sometimes we get caught up in the fantasy world, you know
the ones that many of us do. I know I have, and have done it for 30
years....Its where the pain and the reality of what you have been
through is too hard to deal with, and you slip into a safe world....
Im not sure if I am making any sense to you all. I will with the June
page.
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