Another October,
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Oct1,1999
Hi Friends, I know the page is still a mess, a fast put-together. Will put it back together later. At work, have a few moments to myself, so here I am :-). I will write more later, and still doing great, no binges...
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Oct2,1999
Morning friends, posting early and thank god its the weekend. I need to catch up on so much work here at home and need the two days to clear my head out from all the stress over the week. Still doing great with the eating (proud of me) and today I plan on taking some long walks, just window shopping, maybe some garage sales (kinda broke already) but I know I need it, not only to get them pants fitting good again but also for my own mental and physical health. I know it helps with my depression as well as my self esteem which has been up and down. Got to wonder why? I mean, I get this great job, one that I have always have wanted. Im learning more and more about puters everyday and other aspects of the whole internet business. I know that I have let my diet and exercise regime go, and know enough to get back to it. I have a handle on the kids, and letting them know that they are not going to get away from my rules and regulations, plus the respect that they need to give me. My meds seem to be working ok, I do go up and down but again I think its just me and not the physical part not working. So once again I think its about time to look in that mirror and start liking what I see. I told you all, its such a battle....and probably will be forever. Its all inside of you friends. Just loving yourself and believing that yes, you can do and be whatever you want to....love ya all and talk to you tomorrow.
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Oct4,1999
Hi friends, another Monday, rainy, cold and just depressing. Work was okay, same ole and nothing new to talk about there. Here at home, its a little rocky again and I just cant seem to find words or thoughts that can explain how I feel. Im sure this doesnt make any sense at all, and I cant even find a logical reason, just that Im sad, depressed and feel like I have given up hope on a happy relationship. Maybe it just doesnt happen for me....never has, or maybe I just dont want to believe that it can happen for me. Self esteem, liking yourself, getting over the demons that haunt you day after day, whispering "you are just no good and never will be" I am concentarting on my diet more and somewhat happy to say that I had no problems with my jeans this morning, well the 7's. agggggghhhhhhh. I hate this. Talk to you all tomorrow
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Oct7,1999
Hi friends, sitting here in the office, sick as a dog but glad that its a little slow and I have some time to do my page. With being so sick at least Im not eating, a very good thing :-). I want to get them 5's to fit nice once again. Still rocky on the homefront, and really not sure if its going to get any better...life sure is a soap.
See ya all tomorrow
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Oct10,1999
Hi friends, havent been here in awhile to write. Im still sick with this stupid cold and homefront is rocky as ever. I have never been more stressed, the job and hoping that I am doing okay. I know in a way that I am, but still the same old self doubt is not making it easy for me to believe it. The kids on the whole have been okay and yeah they have their days but I think, praying that there will be no more calls from the principle. Rich and I, constant battle and its just draining me to the point where I have nothing to say. I have so many thoughts and opinions, feelings but somehow just being able to get them out seem almost impossible. My diet or what I rather just say a "new way of life" is up and down. Yesterday, I stayed in bed all day sick as a dog but had to have an icecream cone....hate that,
comfort food....always so damn fattening and no good for you, but makes you feel warm and okay inside. A bad old habit and I have to learn to stop it once and for good...went to the Walmart,(always an experience) and didnt get the icecream, just tons of soup. Could be a great comfort food...yeah, right. love ya all and talk tomorrow
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Oct11,1999
Well a usual crazy Monday at work, Im still not feeling well and wondering if I should take a trip to the dr. I want to talk to him about my meds too, I don't know, Im just not feeling happy, Im calm I guess, maybe just too sedated it seems, but not too happy. Thats what these meds are supposed to do, make you happy. There is alot of disharmony here at home and I know that its my fault. I have for so many years just live in the past. I don't know how to stop it, to make it go away. I can't use food, I will get fat again, I don't want to use anything, just make it go away. I feel maybe with new meds that may be a reality, Im hoping anyway. I just want to be happy. See you all tomorrow
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Oct12,1999
Alot calmer today at work which was what I needed, a smooth day and my mood is lifting somewhat. Still battling with the cravings for icecream and chocolate, telling myself its only for comfort...and I can comfort myself, without the extra calories and fat. I just wish they taste so good ya know? This up and down is driving me nuts, and I just refilled my last prescrip for paxil, so definatly need a trip to the dr and see what is next for me. Im really postive that this med is just not working. Depression, low self esteem, self doubt, is all starting to build up. Im not going to give up though, I have always said that it was battle and not one that I tend to lose.....Stay tuned friends. Oh, personal message to my bro Frank...(you all know him) CALL ME!!!! You are pissing me off....:-). Talk to you all tomorrow
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Oct13,1999
Hour and 1/2 left of work, and Im drinking a ton of coffee to stay up. Its slow as can be, kinda miss the cranks.....and I just want to get out of here and go home, cuddle up in my bed and go to bed....Im so exciting, huh? Mood level is ok, and health wise Im getting better....dont look it though. Im dying for chocolate....why cant it taste like crap? Talk to you all tomorrow
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Oct14,1999
Pretty hairy morning so far, puters went down for awhile. Tons of irate people calling and trying to explain that it will be up as soon as we can....no patience some people. Rich came in yesterday, bought me a new cordless phone, opium perfume...pretty special, huh? Of course I came home and passed out...the cold and the job just to get to me. He was gone befor I woke up this morning and should be back for the weekend. We are going on a fall follage train ride out of Honesdale, been wanting to do this for years, and finally decided to go for it. Kinda looking forward to it. Besides that, nothing new to report, fighting the food cravings with all that I have inside of me and the depression as well. Talk to you all tomorrow
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Oct15,1999
I really shouldnt write today, my depression is as strong as ever, not sure if its a hormonal or my meds just quit. Its Friday, I should be happy, relieved...and its like I could care less if its Monday...like I mentioned,(shouldnt even post) I started taking vitamins today, maybe that will help kick this forever cold I keep hanging on too and give me some more energy. Maybe help with the diet too, which at times is totally down the drain. Maybe the weekend will help refresh...see ya all tomorrow
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Oct17,1999
End of the weekend and it was pretty good I have to say. Its my mom's bday today, so Happy Birthday Mom...and Im happy to announce that Frank and my sister in law are expecting a baby in April! So Frank and Terri, CONGRADS and we want a girl :-). Plus I love the name Emily...thats Terri's choice, Frank likes Morgan....what do you think friends? Watching the Mets here praying for a win, bringing to them the world series against the Yankees...Im feeling better I guess and I have talked to Rich about changing my meds again. After really thinking about it all I feel like I don't care anymore about important issues to me. Like the house being cleaned. I know that some people think big deal...the dirt will always come back no matter how much you clean, but I was fanatic about keeping it clean..now I could care less. Other little things like that, its a difference and therefore it matters...I feel just like a robot, getting through the day, working, coming home and having to take a nap cause Im exhausted.not caring if I exercised nor had an icecream. Not good and I need to do something..maybe I will get to the dr sooner then next month. I cant lose this battle and its getting easier and easier just to give up...talk to you all tomorrow.
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Oct19,1999
Didnt get a chance to post again yesterday.....another one of those dragged out days that all I want to do is go to sleep. Rich came in last nite and not sure if he has a run out again for today...the hurricanes that keep hitting NC where his loads come from is really effecting the job...but Im sure he is relaxing and hanging out at home is what he needs once in awhile. Im at work now, so really cant go on and on, in between calls and other work. Just wanted to let you all know that Im alive....talk to you all tomorrow
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Oct20,1999
Not much going on at work so figured I would throw a post in, feeling
somewhat better and ready to change meds as soon as I see the dr. My
old friend Mary Ellen from the Island called me last night and it was so great to hear from her...we had so many good times together and there is a hole in my heart since I moved up here. I miss her. Well the good news is that she may be comimg up for a weekend and I cant wait to see her....other then that just muddling through, trying to keep my spirit up and diet going....I just can't quit. Talk to you all tomorrow
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Oct21,1999
I got my male lovebirds today! Two really cute tame ones too. Now how they are going to deal with the housewrecking two females from hell, thats to be seen. I have them in seperate cages and will leave them
there til I see what bird goes to each other. Now I need names friends for the males....any ideas? Work is going well, still getting the few nasties...but ya know I just let it go.If it makes them feel better to vent out their frustrations on me, so be it. (At least I get paid for it!) Still hanging in their friends...the constable came to the house last night to take inventory of our possessions! I thought that the lawyer took care of the bad "judgement" and I found out that they didnt....I called and they are going to take care of it. You can imagine how much I wigged out though. I just cant wait to get to court and get this done and behind us. Its embarrassing enough to have go through the bankruptcy, but then for a constable to come and say that my things will be sold at auction...well thats alot to swallow. It wont go through, but damn its scary. Hey, to change the subject alittle, I finally know wher I can wear my gold evening gown! The opening of the brand new Weiss supermarket! LOL....see ya all tomorrow.
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Oct22,1999
Pulled a real good one today friends....Connie's (my boss) husband called this morning and I thought that he was asking for Tom(the part owner) and I said Tom isnt here, and hubby was getting all pissed off and ranting and raving, and I kept saying calm down, not knowing that he was asking for Connie, not Tom. Needless to say, Tom and Connie
are making fun of me all day...wearing signs with their names on it. LOL...at least I can laugh at myself. Connie's husband also got her tickets for the male review tonight in town, I would love to go, but I dont think Rich would like that...so looks like an evening at home.
he should be in from No Carolina....the birds are doing well, the males are still a little skittish but the females are pretty excited!
Hope I get the babes this time....have a great day all and talk to you tomorrow
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Oct25,1999
Well Im a little sad friends..The birds dont seem to be getting along all that well and not sure if they are going want to mate. The males seem like they want to be with the females, though the females are playing hard to get...figures. Had a pretty good weekend, stayed in bed all day Saturday, and Saturday night we went out to dinner with our neighbor and had a pretty good time. Im feeling somewhat better and look forward to going to the dr and getting back on track again,,
Back to work and talk to you all tomorrow.
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Oct26,1999
Hey friends, here at work and kinda slow. Hate it when it gets like this, just boring. My birds still arent getting along and today Im going to stop in to get a new parakeet for Tara, shes all alone. Trying to stay good on my diet here, just need some exercise and I do believe that I can get back on track...I just need the energy. Even my posts are boring, lifeless just like the way I feel.....talk to you all tomorrow
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Oct29,1999
Well update on the lovebirds connections....Lucy and Louie are starting to hug and kiss...a very good sign, and Ricki and Rodney (the kids named them) are really noy getting along too well....so maybe just a litle time. I got a new keet for Tara, hes Tommy and they are really getting along well. Besides that another pyscho friend has invaded our lives....and this is one for the soaps. The other night she told Rich that my kids are going around and calling me sluts, that Im having affairs with at least 5 guys...(now where do u find the time for that?) and all other really nasty kind of things.
When I asked her about it, Rich said that she was saying all that....
and also kinda asking him to get in bed with her. Is it this town????? The water?????? I just cant figure it out, here is a single mom with a gorgeous little baby, we have given her money, bought her and her daughter gifts, dinner, just being there for her all the time..and this is what U get paid back with. Not too mention Tami either.....shes at it again. I hate this town......see ya all tomorrow
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Oct30,1999
Hey friends, here at work, got some OT today and tomorrow. Not that I really want to lose a weekend but the money is good. Ricki and Rodney still are not doing that good...Ricki is playing hard to get. Though Lucy and Louie and the keets are doing great and hopefully I can start mating them. Trying still to feel better, and will make that appt with the doc this upcomong week. I dont know why I keep putting it off, I guess the depression makes it harder to get in there and talk about all the symptoms again. It needs to be done though..and giving myself cyber kicks. I also MUST get my butt moving, I am still gaining cause I never have the energy anymore to get off my fat butt... I must keep fighting. Talk to you all tomorrow
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Oct31,1999
Happy Halloween!Spending it at work, but its real quiet and slow and hoping that noon comes fast. Not sure what we will be doing today, Rich has to go out to Maine, the kids are at a party....so I guess not much. Anyway, glad that Oct is over and done, and hoping to make November the month that I get "my groove back".....see ya all later
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