Sameday, I just got an email that this page was hard to read, so I changed it, sorry to all that had a problem reading it : )
June6,1998 Hi everybody, my husband pulled in last night and I have him til Monday morning! We didnt get any fishing in, its way too chilly lately, but its nice just hanging out together.Doing great with my diet,but tonight we ordered pizza. I had two wonderful delicious slices and even after adding to my dietwatch, I was still under my calorie limit. Now if I could only get the exercise going again..... The kids have five more days left of school which they keep reminding me of.I would never tell them this, but I am kinda happy,I mean I wont be as lonely and now that my daughter is getting older we can talk more grown up. She even loves to watch Young and Restless with me.My son usually goes out on the truck with Rich so we have a "girls week".This time though no pig out parties!!! Be strong all....til tommorow
June8,1998 I am happy to announce today that I have dropped another pound of fat,leaving me at 199! I have finally went under the 200 mark. I can not even describe in words how wonderful that feels.I know doing this journal, and all my new friends and of course my wonderful husband all have helped me get here.I love you all! I also have started back on my exercise after a long lazy week, walked for 30 minutes this morning, and I plan on doing Richard Simmons tonight with my kids. My husband still is home, but Im sure he will be leaving out soon,:-( but soon I will be going with him on the truck for 2 weeks, cant wait. I have to go for my nail appointment today, looking foward to that, it feels so good to be pampered. I know it gets expensive and I really have a problem spending money on myself, I still feel like I do not deserve it, but my husband insists upon it. He feels that if it makes me feel even the slightest bit better about myself, then its worth every penny.With the nail tips on my fingers dont look that pudgy. Every little thing helps....Well be strong all my friends, have a great day, til tommorow
June9,1998 Hi everybody, husband left after dinner last night,hate it.It took me forever to fall asleep last night. Im having a good day so far, doing good with the food, I did all my big cleaning today, three hours worth, so Im counting that as my morning exercise. I havent done it for two weeks. I dusted and vacuumed everyday, just not the big super cleaning. I used to do that every day, I guess I felt that was all I could control, I couldnt control my eating, the bad way I felt about myself, but damn I could control my house. Now I find that it isnt that important anymore.I rather work on controlling me.til tommorow friends....
June10,1998 The days are just flying by, arent they...cant believe its summer already, now if it would only feel like it up here. Its still so chilly.Im still binge free and doing great with the diet. The exercise is still on and off. I dont know why its so hard sometimes to get up and move. Lately I have been feeling so tired and out of it. I really need to get up and move. Someone kick me in the butt please! My ex is coming this weekend to pick up the kids for the day, and I have been so nervous about it. Still after almost seven years he puts fear into my heart. If my Rich is home, my ex wont say a word to me,but Im afraid that Rich wont be home, and then he usually has something to say. That is what it is all about with abusers, they have to continually have control. He does it through intimadation, I try hard not for him to know he still scares me, but it is hard to hide.When I first left him, he told me he would never give me a dime for child support as he spit on me. I had to get the courts to order the child support, and now he acts like dad of the year.It really makes me sick.He still dont obey the court orders, like paying half of the dental bills, and paying support every week, I have to wait two weeks, sometimes even more. Im scared to do anything about it,this man threatened my life daily and I can never forget that. I need to get stronger!!! If I am ever going to be rid of his control I need to be more in control of myself, like losing this weight, and most important liking who I am. I did not deserve what he did to me. Now if only I could convince myself of that..... Til tommorow my friends
June 11, 1998 I feel especially fat today, as one of the girls from the dieters club puts it "Aunt Tilly" is on the way. I have kicked myself in the butt and exercised this morning, 45 minutes of Jane. To be honest it feels so good afterwards, why cant I remember that when I feel lazy.. I have been so upset since the new government report came out about obesity, they have stated now that just having 20 pounds extra will consider you to be obese. Of course with the sixty I have to lose still I feel very obese. My husband called me last night and asked if I would put his weight and height in the BMI caculator. My husband is 6'3, 225 pounds, just about perfect. In matter of fact he doesnt have an ounce of fat on his body. Well guess what, my husband is obese! He is 26 pounds overweight according to the new tables. He just had to prove a point to me that it is ridiculous. Which after further research on the matter, I found out that the newly formed government group is composed of presidents of pharmaceutical companies and health care officials...isnt that interesting? Im sure now tons of people will be running to the doctor to get those diet pills now. Well now that I vented,I feel better. I think Rich will be home tommorow night, so I wont have to face my ex by myself.....stay strong friends...til tommorow
June12,1998 Hi all, today my kids finished school for the year, needless to say they are very excited. Its raining out so they are stuck in the house for the day,Im sure they will be driving me crazy any second now. I have gotten off my butt and exercised again this morning. 30 minutes of aerobics with good ole perfect Jane Fonda, couldnt deal with whining Richard this morning, no offense to him...he does have that whiny voice really drives me crazy sometimes.Still doing great with the food, have been fantasizing about Hershey's Almond Bars, but holding my own and being good. Rich is coming in tonight,, not sure for how long this time seems like big brother of the trucking company he works for, thinks he spends too much time with his family. Once a weekend...thats a long time, huh? 3 more days til weigh day...I hope its a good one, want to get away from that 200 mark, far far away...have a good one friends
June13,1998 Hi everyone,everything went well today with the ex, my husband pulled in last night, so he was here to protect me.He is taking my son Keith tommorow on their way to Chicago.Its just me and Andrea this week. She likes to exercise with me, so Im hoping to get in five good work out days. Still following through with my diet, looking foward to weigh in on Monday.I am slowly starting to like looking at myself in the mirror..big step! Be strong friends
June14,1998 Rich and Keith just left, how my heart stings everytime he leaves out the door,and now with my son I am so down. Well me and Andrea will stay busy this week, lots of exercise and I even bought some Weight Watchers dinners and Lean Cusine for us. Hope they taste good, never tried them before. Hope everyone has a great day and see you all tommorow...weigh day!
June15,1998 Two more pounds down!! I am now at 197, next mini goal,189. I am a little dissapointed at only two pounds,but"Aunt Tillie" is here, and I may be retaining some water.Andrea and I exercised forty minutes to Jane Fonda, and if the weather holds up we will go for a walk later tonight.Talked to Keith last night, and he is having a wonderful time with Rich on the truck. I miss my little guy so much, as well as the big guy! By the way, that diet dinner was awful, and it did not fill me up at all. I was pretty hungry most of the night, I had a no fat pudding and that seemed to take the edge off. Hope you all have a great day.......
June16,1998 Slipping into a depression lately, cant say why.I hate dealing with it. I have no reason to be depressed, when I was sexually abused as a child and couldnt tell,maybe then I had a reason, when I was with my ex, and he described how he would cut my face off once a week, maybe then. My life is wonderful now, it hurts my husband when I get depressed. He wants to fix it and he feels like a failure that he cant make it go away. I try and explain how I can not control this, it just takes over... Im sorry, I know this is a diet journal,this disease as well as the compulisive eating is so devasting. Maybe I need to get some medication, Its expensive and Im alittle scared of it, but I think I need it. I want to feel normal,I want to feel that I deserve my wonderful husband, my children and all that I have in my life,its just that I dont.I dont think I am good enough.
Okay, I will fix myself, a piece at a time, my weight, my addicition to food and my heart.I will feel like a normal person one day and like myself no matter what I weigh and no matter what has happened in the past. One day it will happen.
June17,1998 "Shake, shake, shake your booty" yep, back to Richard Simmons disco sweat this morning. I did 35 minutes with leg weights. Yesterday I had a good exercise day, 30 minutes aerobics with leg weights, and a 2 mile walk last night with Andrea. I guess something happened because this morning I weighed in at 195, two more pounds gone. I feel a little better today, hoping this episode of depression is easing some. I really have to do something about it, it hurts my husband too much and I hate that I put him through this.He doesnt deserve it. I just have to keep moving on.....
June22,1998 Im back friends! Wenesday night my computer got hit by lightening and you can say my modem got fried! Anyway Im on a loaner comp. til mine gets fixed. What a week I had, not only did my computer go but my husband had an accident with the truck, hes okay and so is my daughter who went with him. The other driver blew a red light, shes fine too. Its just that my husband has been driving for 18 years never had an accident til this dumb lady goes through the light. Thank god noone got hurt. Anyway my weight this morning is 193! Another 2 pounds.......got to catch up on all my mail.....til tommorow
Same day just a quick add on, I had to delete all the back up mail, since this loaner doesnt have that much memory. If anyone sent me any mail since Wens, just want you to know I couldnt read it and I would appreciate if you could send another one out........thanks
June23,1998 Hi all,still using the loaner pc here. I am having so many problems using it and I look foward to mine getting fixed , either today or tommorow. My baby will be back home(boy, am I in love with my computer) Still doing good with the diet, but somehow I have hurt my back and its radiating into the front of my thigh.I think I hurt it lugging around the pcs back and forth. I am hoping it goes away soon so I can get back into an exercise routine.I think Rich will be gone til next week, he is working on his bonus and he wants to get all the miles he can. There still is a chance that he wont recieve a bonus(re: accident) but Im sure once the police reports come in, he wont be charged.Still its going to be a very long two weeks without him around. At least when he gets back I get to go with him, looking so foward to being with him. I am a little anxious about truckstop food choices, it will be quite a challenge sticking on my diet. I must confess I love big juicy cheeseburgers and greasy fries from the truckstop. Though Im sure the little bowl of wilted lettuce with the one tomato and sliver of red onion is just as tasty.........right????????? til tommorow friends
June24,1998 My back is still killing me this morning, and I havent exercised since Friday which is just making me feel more and more lazy...I hope this goes away soon. I was watching Sally Jesse this morning and it was about these women who were overweight. Their husbands were threatening them to lose weight or else they would leave.Not only were they saying that, but they were calling them every nasty, degrading, hurtful name that you could call a heavy woman. All I can say is thank you Richie for loving me no matter what I weighed, and no matter what I looked like. You are truly a hero to me and the light of my life.
Last night I was in a mood, "the I am so sick of dieting" mood. I was planning a party for one, (me and food). I started with a egg bagel with 2 pieces of cheese, not the fat free cheese either. I ate it and thought about what else I could stuff my face with and you know what, after I finished I said, I had enough. I had my "binge" and I really DON'T want anything else. That was quite a experience for me, if that happened a few months ago I would of emptied the fridge in no time flat. Im pretty proud of myself and I hope this means that I am overcoming this addiction. It would be so nice one day to be normal and have just one scoop of ice cream, one piece of cake...
June26,1998 Well, all I can say is that I will be glad when June is over, what a month. I have my pc back, actually I had it back yesterday and I brought it home, it didnt work. I brought it back to the shop, it worked, brought it back home again, didnt work. I must have cried for a couple of hours. The repair man came over today and fixed it. It was the mouse I still need to get another modem,I have a temporary one now and it didnt like my mouse....whatever the hell that means. Good news...my Rich has been cleared of the accident. That means it was unpreventable,and he will not be held to blame at all. That means he gets his bonus that he has worked so hard for.Poor guy really has been through alot.Bad news, I went to the dr yesterday and I have sprained some muscles in my back. He has given me some muscle relaxers and medicine for anxiety.You can say I am in La La land...Its going to take around six weeks to heal, no exercising with weights, and only stretching for now....JUST GREAT! Im sure my weight loss will be nil.I have been doing pretty good with the diet, I figured if this wasnt a binge week then what was...I am crying instead of eating. I guess with all the commotion all week I was just bouncing off the walls. Im glad that I got some medicine for the anxiety I really need it. Rich should be home Tues or Wens and then Fri night we leave for the two weeks. Well have a great weekend friends,and thanks so much for all the email! It feels so good.
June27,1998 Hi friends. Well I guess Im feeling alittle better today, its the morning thats tough. I wake up and I cant move til I take my muscle relaxer. Then after I move around alittle I start feeling better. I really hate not doing my exercise and feeling like a zombie all day.I have to admit to you all that I binged last night, I wasnt even hungry, just frustrated and upset.I had two bologna sandwiches and some leftover pancakes, talk about feeling disgusting and ashamed. I went on the scale this morning and I am still at 193, so thats good, but I feel like such a loser today.Im going to keep on going on, not going let this slip stop me.It just makes me feel so pathetic. The food didnt help me feel less frustrated or happy, just made me feel sick. My husband and I are at odds with each other as well, I guess all the commotion going on we are both at wits end. I feel like I have let him down because I just simply can not handle stress and he needs me to hold down the fort while he is so far away. I understand how he feels, and I feel more like a loser. Why is so hard for me to handle problems? Its hard being a truckers wife and I guess after 5 years I havent taken to it too well. I feel sorry for him for having a wife like me. I really believe he deserves so much better. I guess I will sign off now, Im not going to binge anymore, thats for sure. I just hope this anxiety medicine helps me handle stress better.......have a good day my friends
June28,1998 Well I made it through the night without a binge, so Im determined to get back on track. My back is feeling better as well, so Im looking foward to exercising again. All alone today, my neighbors took the kids to the pool and Rich is somewhere in Indiana, at least he is on the way home.I miss him.... Hope you all have a great Sunday
June29,1998 This morning I did not have to take a muscle relaxer to get out of bed and the pain hasnt been as bad...so I feel much better and can not wait to start exercising again. My weight this morning is 193, havent even lost an ounce, I know its from the idleness all week. I did some cleaning today, nothing heavy...the kids did all the heavy stuff. Just moving around alittle feels good. Since I havent taken the muscle relaxer today, I was checking out my nails that I had just had done. The color I chose was IN YOUR FACE PURPLE....LOL, I knew I was in a fog when I had them done....and then I painted my toenails gold.I always have my nails done in French, and my toenails red. Thank god I didnt go for a color job on my hair....anyway I must add that the woman who does my nails is wonderful, and she does an execellent job, so Kathy if your reading this how about some free nail art???
I would just like to ask a favor of my friends that read this journal, Please go to my favorite places link and check out the new links I added, they deal with child abuse and domestic violence, they all need our help to end this maddness..I know that they are hard to read and we would rather just close our eyes and pretend that it doesnt exist but it does....maybe someone you know. Be an angel and help, Thank you. Til tommorow my friends.....
June30,1998 Im between thunderstorms, so I have to hurry.We dont want another inccident....I HAVE LOST THREE POUNDS OVER NIGHT!!!!!!!! No, Im not excited about it...LOL I am now at 190, after three days of not moving an ounce, I stepped on the scale this morning with bated breath...stepped on again, then again, and yes it was 190!!!I am happy beyond belief, and my back is getting so much better, I might try a walk tonight.My husband is due home tonight as well. Its a very good day!Rich will be home for the rest of the week and then we will leave out together....we really need this time together. If I get my hands on a truckstop pc, I will get a post on and let you all know how Im doing,where we are and all that good stuff.Well tommorow I start the new July journal..and I hope that I will sound much more positive to all my friends out there......Love you all
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