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Month Of Hearts
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Jan31,1999
Couldnt edit anymore on January....one of those (I will never figure
that one out.....)Last day of the month, Superbowl, for the first time
in 8 years,Rich will not be here to watch with us. Another addition
to the never ending list of all that is my fault. Yes, it isnt a good
day.....next Sat, if I can get a ride I go back to the dr,and maybe
he has some answers for me here (on these meds that is). I really can't
take the up today and down tomorrow much longer. To those of you that
have taken the time and care to write a really big (((HUG))))) life
isnt that bad when you have sunshine in your life, the sun that comes
to you on that dark day, sometimes in a form of a HEY!!!!! cut that out,
or a hug, a kind word......its all the same, and I love you all. Tomorrow
being Feb1, I will wake up in the morning and if I feel bad, I will
think of my sunlights......
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Feb1,1999
Well here we go into Feb, and hopefully this month will be better
then last....I dont know if I mentioned this before, but for 10 years
I have been involved in a study on chronic depression with Stony Brook
Hospital on Long Island.....Today I had my 2 year follow up, and I have
to say I really hope and pray that this study will help drs treat this
diease better.....and to know that I am a part of it...(pretty cool:-)
I am feeling better today, good sign...eating hasnt been the greatest,
but dieting isnt really all that important to me at this time. I am losing,
keeping my weight down, like the way I look......its the brain that isnt
working...I cant think clearly, and just keep messing up everything
here at home....Well like I always say, believe in yourself, have faith
and determination......now I have to make myself feel that!!!!!!I will,
its in me still.......see ya tomorrow
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Feb2,1999
Today I had another interview for the depression study. Kinda brought
up stuff that I didnt want to talk about so I didnt think it went well
today....have another one next week, hope its easier. Still not feeling
good, couldnt even eat this morning (ya know that never bothers me :-)
Rich might be coming in tonight til tomorrow.....and then back out again.
Not too sure how its going to go......talk to you all later
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Feb4,1999
Hiya Friends,feeling alot better today, maybe these meds are kicking in,
wishing, hoping......I didnt get to post yesterday, seems like I contracted
a puter virus (really got to practice safe cyber ;-) but we are all up
and running again, and so am I. Down another pound,142.Getting closer
and closer to goal here....and also getting a nice tax return, which
means a car!!! No more carless in Pa. Then a job, then school.....so
full of goals today. Think Im back my friends......see ya all tomorrow
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Feb5,1999
Hiya Friends,still feeling good,and tomorrow is Dr day, so I can feel
a little more secure that at least I can talk to him about all that is
going on with my head. Reading through my journals the other day....thought
I should name it Diary of a Mad Housewife....LOL. Hey, I laughed......
Im still a little panicky, though my depression is leveling.....so,
lets hope this is the right meds. Im back in my diet mode..I do really
got to get some exercise in, though,its so hard to sit still sometimes
that I am losing the inches,bouncing off the walls must burn calories.
Well, thats my post for today, will let u all know how the doc went.
Im back!!!!
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Feb7,1999
Didnt get a chance to write yesterday, went to the dr.....and all is okay.
He's happy with my starting to feel better and all. Though he did say I would have
a bad day everyonce in awhile...and today is that day.Im losing a friend today.
Not through death,nor anger......just a friend that needed a hand, a
shoulder......and now my job is done. Reminds me of patterns of life,
and all the times I was the shoulder, the rock..the crutch til the bone
heals.Then most often I am forgotten, and I go on.....hoping that my
circle stays together, meaning that good things will happen for me.
Not sure if I am making any sense here.....Im making sense to myself.
see ya all tomorrow
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Feb8,1999
I have two things to talk about today, the first is what I posted yesterday
and the friend....that Im not losing, I still have issues from the past
that never go away, and what I wrote was unfair to that friend....
and Im sorry. I think time and time again that I am past all of this,
the abuse, the friends that leave you, and all that I have lived through.
Well today I realized that I am still not yet past that.....and it hurts.
The second thing is today Feb8,1999 I have lost 100 pounds....I am now
down to 140 as of this morning with 5 more to go......that should of
been the first thing I wrote.....shouldnt it? It means nothing today....
That is so sad to me, I worked so hard for this....and for it to mean
nothing, its hard to take......maybe its the meds, maybe its the past that
keeps haunting me, that U are a failure, always will be.....accept it.
Though, I won't. Im going to keep going...its the only choice I have,
like my favorite would say "Tomorrow is another day"......Scarlett O Hara
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Feb9,1999
Well here I am again, a new day......more problems, more ghosts that
wont go away......I messed up so bad with the money lately, that we
are really in trouble, we have been there before, and will get through
it......But I caused it, my fault....end of story. Rich came in last nite,
had to leave 3 this morning, actually to our old town on the Island....
but I have the last part of the depression study interview and I need
to finish it. Rich thinks its dragging me down more doing it, but I feel
that its important and if it can help others.....then I will do it, and
feel good that I might be responsible for helping others in the future
one day.....He probably wont even make it home for Valentines Day, and
I kinda feel like I don't deserve it anyway......I know, pathetic,
I should feel like I deserve everything, Im a good person, do whatever
I can to help others, take care of my family, but the mirror is black
when I look at myself......black inside. Im going to keep going.....I have
to.
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Feb10,1999
Feeling alittle better today, got so many cards and letters congradaulating
me....and maybe its about time that I take time to enjoy my success..
So, today Im celebrating.....celebrating that I have acomplished a goal,and
can do anything I want to do......as long as I keep believing myself.
Whats next in store for me? Not sure......but I think that I can acheive
whatever I want.....gotta just keep believing.
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Feb11,1999
Today was just a lovely day to put it midly...I had my last interview
with the study for chronic depression, went okay.....but found at the
end of the session the ghosts coming back....I really hope and pray that
this will help so many of us that suffer from this illness....and for
you Sue, hope you make it here(Thank U for being so patient with me.)
My best friend is leaving, he has been
staying with us for awhile, and Im just going to miss him to death....
but a personal message to him ( I will never give up on me, and I know
that we will be friends always.....thank you) Now for the really wonderful
part......Rich and I have found letters from my daughter to a boy, um,
sexual.....giving up virginity, and all sorts of lovely four letter
words....Im in shock still, actually cant even look at my first born child
and still havent a clue on what to do. I have spent many hours with her
talking to her about sex, and waiting....and also if U rememeber I let
her join that "certain church" let her be babtized, make a vow to God..
and all she has been doing is making a fool of her church, me, Rich and
most important God. Im going to end my post now, life will get better,
its just a rollarcoaster..........
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Feb12,1999
I am still in a fog over my little girl who obviously isnt a little girl
anymore.....though, I think she needs to face up to her actions, and
I am sending her to her fathers on Long Island.....Yes, every minute
my heart is going to be broken, and my home will be empty without her,
but I love her and need to save her butt. I love her more then you can
imagine and I have to face that I have lost control....her father may
be able to get her straightened out before its too late. Call it my last
hope, we have tried counseling, church, million and one chances.....its
time to take a drastic measure, and that is sending her to the Island.
Me, Im hanging in there, just got the rent paid, late but at least its
paid...other then that there is no money for anything else at this time.
This will pass......taxes will be in, bills will get paid. I will get
my car, and my daughter will be okay.
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Feb13,1999
I talked to my parents last night, I know.....very hard to do, being so
many unresolved issues. Just had to talk to the people that raised me
and ask them where did I go wrong? I found that they were very supportive,
and I knew my dad's heart was broken, as Annie is my first baby, I am
his.....but it helped, and I feel better about my choice that I have
made. I still havent talked to her yet, but I will later. Most of you
may think I am way overboard on this issue....but if it could be a
sci-fi sort of puter where I can bring you through her life and what she
has done time and time again.....you would know, you would feel my pain
and how very important it is to help her the only way I know how. The letters
I found, I spared you all so much....so please dont judge me as throwing her
out, its temporary, and my last resort. Today is Rich's last full day
home....he has to leave by 12 tomorrow, so Im going to forget its Valentine's
Day......we will do it another day, its the only way to get through the
day. My friend Tami is home from vacation, shes so sick, so Im on my way
over to give her a hand with the kids and all. Actually I need to just concentrate
on something else cause being here right now is so very painful.....not
because of Rich, Keith, its my first baby upstairs......see ya all tomorrow
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Feb14,1999
Happy Valentines Day, trying to forget that it is....ya know my daughter
upstairs who cares less about all the hell she is putting me through......
anyway, I know I am doing the right thing and thats all I can focus on.
I wish I had more to say today......but words cant come to my mind. see
ya tomorrow
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Feb15,1999
Hiya Friends,I think my meds just may be kicking in..hate to say for
sure, cause the dr said that it will go up and down...but feeling more
postive, less depressed and a little less nervous...just got to be patient.
I have also decided to change my goal weight to 130....I know I said
135 but I guess I have to admit that the hardest and scariest part is
maintaining....so, call me chicken, I feel if I give myself ten more
to lose instead of 5.....maybe by then I will be ready for the biggest
battle......I have also decided that no more getting involved with my
friends lives....to the point that I get totally devasted. I found that
once I made that choice, I already feel stronger, more focused on what
I want for my life....I know that this might not make may sense to you,
cause I really didnt go into details .....but I have a tendancy to
always want to help people, always want to be there for them....and then
you get kicked in the teeth......I think I need to be there for myself,
my family, and my life........so whats in store? getting my daughter
back on track, even if it means a temporary trip to her dads for awhile,
a car, so I can get a job.....and then I think in June....a new state.
A new life....a fresh beginning......Today, the sun is shining......
see ya all tomorrow
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Feb16,1999
I might as well just call this journal "Watch Rose self destruct".....
I kept Andrea home yesterday to start packing and get her stuff
in order, and while I was in the shower she burnt all the letters that
we had found. Whats next? She admitted to me that she burnt them so I
could never show anyone what she did. I called the school today, to keep
an eye on her, Im afraid.....afraid that she will run away( she did talk
to her dad last night and knows that her life there is not going to be
an easy ride til she straightens up) afraid that she will even try and
hurt me. Somewhere in her life something changed, but she is so good
at manupilating, decieving, that she can get anyone to believe her...
even me, her mom. All I can see is and think when I look at her is
"its a girl" and me saying My Andrea is here on August1,1985......not the
Andrea that is having her brother beat up, lying, stealing, hating me
and showing no remorse.........holding her little teddy bear, the one that
was bought for her when she was born. My mom thinks Im wrong, some of
you think I am.....though in my heart I am just loving my little girl
and will continue to do so and pray that she will become my little girl
again.......
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Feb17,1999
Slept with Andrea's teddy bear all night, cried myself to sleep, but
you know what? I know I am doing the right thing. I just have to hold
on to that. Saturday her father is picking her up.....dont know what I
will be like after she leaves....but my heart and my prayers and hopes
will never let go of my baby. She will come back to me....I have to
believe in that. I also know that I need to stay normal, strong for
Keith who is going need me. I also know that I need to stay strong for
me.....I will not fall apart, so everyday I will do what I always do,
I will get up, get dressed, watch what I eat, write in my journal, talk
to my friends, and wait for my baby to come back home to me. See ya all
tomorrow
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Feb18,1999
Waiting on Rich to get home, also getting worried. He was supposed to
be in this morning....but everytime I worry, its a traffic jam, DOT, etc.....
so I just wait and be patient....and hope he didnt go off a ditch...
Wife of a trucker. We worry. Anyway, I want to thank those of you that
wrote very supportive letters, and for those that didnt....thats okay too.
Its America and its a free country...we all have a voice and the right
to use it. I am quite aware that I am in a downward spiral, and maybe
my meds arent working all that well, but as all that I have gone through
in my road to today....I will get pass this and get better. Yes, the weight
is gone, and I am more healthy, and I feel better when I get dressed....
proud is the word that comes to mind. Though I was always hiding under that
weight these last 4 years and now Im out in the open......cant crawl into
a shell, and hide....Gotta face my problems and get help. See ya all tomorrow
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Feb19,1999
Rich made it home, right after I posted as a matter of fact. Like I
always try and tell myself dont worry til the phone rings....ya think
you would learn after 8 years. Tomorrow is the day..and to be honest
with you all, she cares less, actually she is happy. Or acting again,
I dont know....but I talked to the guidance councler at her school,my sister
and they all agree with me. Though what is important to me at this time
is that I know this is best. Well going to go watch TV with Rich and Keith.
Talk to you all tomorrow
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Feb21,1999
I miss her......last night I had such a bad nightmare, sorta like I was
dying....anyway,I woke up Rich and he assured me I was alive and well.
Her dad called me last night to let me know that they got home okay and
she was okay....now if I can keep myself okay til June, when she comes
back. I will, have to be stronger and well for her when she gets back..
so I will do everything I can to make sure of that. We stopped at the
Salvation Army yesterday...and I got two pairs of pants, size 26 inch
waist.....I was pretty floored that they fit! I know....means nothing,
but this is a diet journal, and seeing that I had a 26 inch waist......
well time to get serious and lose the ten more pounds and EXERCISE....
Starting tomorrow......see ya then
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Feb22,1999
Im going to call Andrea tonight....Today was her first day of school
and all I can think, is it hard? Are the kids picking on her? Im not
going to be there for her when she gets home.....I feel so empty, so
pained......did I do the right thing?
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Feb23,1999
I called Andrea last night, and her first day at school went pretty
good,she told me that she made a new friend, and really likes it, her
dad was home to get her registered and all, so he was helping her with
her homework, it was hard not to cry, but I told her I loved her and
that I was happy her first day went good...Anyway, just trying to hold
down the fort here at home, keeping my son together, me. I find myself
picking at food today.....no good. I don't know why, Im not hungry, Im
not really anything.....maybe numb is a good word to use. So a new
emotion/lack of emotion to eat......Numbness. Great! Hoping that Rich gets
home this weekend, we need to get out, take Keith out to the movies,
dinner, just act normal if that is all possible.....Rich thinks we should
go out on the truck with him for a week, and maybe that will help.....
I don't know, cant even tell if my meds are working.....seeing the dr
Saturday, talk to him about it. Probably with all the stress going on
around me, the meds dont even have a chance. What a mess. Hang in there
with me.....I will get this better.
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Feb24,1999
Another day,more numbness....Rich came in last night, left after dinner,
and another day almost at end. Rent is due tomorrow, light bill is over
due, phone, not one dime to pay it though..does it matter? No.......
Another post of inspiration, huh friends? How does she get out of this?
I dont know, that's the problem, I just dont know anymore......
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Feb25,1999
Well, Im not going to give up. I know I still have strength inside...
and I will get pass this cave Im in....Rich didnt get paid today, and
Im really hoping its the puters at the company. They have been down for
awhile.....and of course the IRS didnt deposit yet....this will pass,
I have so many times been through this....Im supposed to see the dr Sat,
dont think Im going to make it,not enough money, no ride. Maybe
next week.....Andrea calls tomorrow,and Keith is pretty excited about it,
he also is so sad.....so I told him to write Annie a letter, and get
all his feelings out....and he said like you mom? On your journals? I said,
yep....and if you want to mail it to her, go ahead, or keep it...
He did go upstairs and wrote, poor little guy. I keep reassuring him
it will be okay, and she will be home with us soon after school ends.
Though, he misses her, and hes just like me, so very sensitive. Frank,
ya know my brother called me today, and he is just as supportive as my
sister.....Thank god for the two of them, I remember how much we used to
fight and all....but now,the both of them are always there for me. I just
want to say I love you both so much! Frank, it takes him awhile to catch up
so not sure when he will see this....Lori, her hubby took the puter to
his new office, so it will be awhile for her to read,or I think he
prints it out for her. Rich had to be in Atlanta tonight, if he gets
held over, I hope he gives her a call......Okay just rambling, like
I tend to do....I should weigh tomorrow.Maybe I lost more weight?
I havent even been weighing since I hit 140....there we go. I will
weigh in tomorrow. This is a diet journal......
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Feb26,1999
I weighed in, still 140....but really havent been concentrating on the
diet that much, so did a little exercise this morning. I really want
to get into a full program like I used too, I did feel so much better
when I exercised everyday, so I should go for it. I got in touch with
the IRS, and we missed the Wens cutoff for getting the returns for
today, so next Fri...just hope we can manage til then. Rich is coming
in in the morning, and has to go out back to Albany on Sunday, Keith
and I may go with him..if he doesnt have to go north from there.....
It would help to get out for awhile. Seems like Im at a loss for words
today.....try again tomorrow
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Feb27,1999
One more day til the end of this month, thank God. I really would like
to delete the whole journal page, it hasn't been my finest that is for
sure. Last night the plumbing all went to hell, another reason why I can
not wait for the lease to end ....and get out of this nightmare house.
Rich should be pulling in soon, and then the we have to open the drain
and UCK......ya know what that is all about.....Talked to Andrea last
night and she already suckered her dad into buying her new clothes.....
She told him that I burned all her clothes, she did, so she do exactly
what she is doing....whining for new clothes. She is good. Anyway, shes
doing great in school and thats what is important right now.....Still
she doesnt miss me, or is hiding it pretty well...We will see. talk to
you tomorrow
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