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April Showers bring ?
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April 1,1999
I really cant believe I managed to get this page up....I have been so
negectful with my mail, and the dieters club....just tired, though I
just got back from the dr and I know part of the reason...I still have
that nasty sinus infection. He put me on some stronger antibiotics and
some sort of steriod medication for a week, (didnt want another shot)
I really need to rest, that is what he said. Though I feel that I would
have to quit my job, I dont want to. Not yet anyway, I really want that
bank job.Just one more day, then I am off til Tues....hopefully I will
get some rest then. Not sure if Rich is coming in or not....and yes,
we still are not getting along. I really feel that I cant talk about
it anymore either.....lets just say that there is two sides to every
story and its really not fair to hear just mine. I will let you all know
what happens with us though. Well, need to go lie down for awhile, talk
to you all tomorrow........
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April 3,1999
Feeling alittle better today, that sinus infection really knocked me out,
and besides that, the new girl that replaced all my hours has took off...
pretty sweet revenge if you ask me, they thought she was such a miracle
worker, gave her all my hours, and what did she do? She took off on them
without a word....now I get to open mon and fri....got some longer hours,
and I know they asked all the customers about me.....and they got all
great reports on how nice and polite I was, and they love me. Makes me
feel pretty good.....Andrea came to visit today, and I was so happy to see
her, but she really is showing me no signs of wanting to come home at
all, her brother is devasted and I feel so hurt. Though, I want her to
be happy and if its with her dad, then I have to accept it. I love her
so much though, and it hurts. I was able to give her the easter basket
I made up for her, and I polished her nails, but she was cold....no emotion
when she had to leave. Anyway, its just me and Keith tomorrow for Easter,
so Im going try and make it pretty nice for him....take him for breakfast,
and make an Easter cake together....not that I need it. Yet, my manager
Nancy asked me if I lost weight, cause she said you really look like you
did since you started working here.....I said it was only 2 pounds, but
she said it looked like alot more :-)......gotta love it. Have a Happy
Easter all, and talk to you tomorrow......
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April 6,1999
I guess I have been in a funk with working on my web page and mail....
its working at the deli, the early hours and the hard work, the sinus
infection that doesnt want to go away....and of course lots of problems
on the home front. Though, I really need to get back into the swing of things
and keep my mail and pages up.....they are so very important to me.
I do like my job, the locals that all know my name, the joking.....its
all up my alley....but it does take a toll. At least ladies I am losing,
maybe its just been 2 pounds, but I havent seen past 140 forever...
So, on that note, I will get to my mail, as much as I can.....and keep
up my journal everyday......see ya all tomorrow
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April7,1999
Real bad day, woke up late.....dont even know if I set the alarm clock or not.
Very busy as well...but did great tips, and it wasnt all that bad......
I am frazzled to say the least, but after a good nite sleep I think I can
function tomorrow......hoping anyway. Rich is on his way home, and its not
too good.....I did something wrong, I had a lawn guy come over and give
an estimate on some work as a surprise for Rich, he always says that he
never has any relaxing time......but it was wrong, totally disrespectful
because he was a stranger.....(very well known in town for his work) but
I was out of place to be helpful.....anyway, I was told that Im in for
alot of trouble, maybe lose my job......my puter, who knows? he says that
I have destroyed his life over my job, and doing what I ever I want....
(working, calling lawn men, talking with my friends, working a nite shift
as a favor etc......) I hope I will be here tomorrow my friends.....if
not, my page has been wiped out. Love you all.
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April 9,1999
Well, as you can see Im still here up and running....though again
at work my hours were cut for some new "miracle worker"...and friends,
Im really getting sick of this, I work my butt off, Im fast, I joke
with everyone and do what Im supposed to do....the problem? The credit
card machine is a slow reader and my boss gets pissed if I dont punch in
the twenty numbers in fast enough. Bad news huh? I think Im not going
to be working there very much longer. Anyway, I worked from 5:30am to 3:30
so, Im a little beat, but I will have the weekend to catch up with all
my mail, if you guys still want me to write....I have been so negectful
and tired and I apologize......Love ya all
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April 10,1999
Slept almost all day and nite yesterday, guess my body needed it, and
of course the total letdown of again being cut up at work. Though guess
what friends???? There is a lot of pretty pissed off customers that really
like me alot and plan on telling my wonderful boss that if I wind up
quiting or getting fired (since Im so slow) they will not come back
again....pretty nice feeling, and I appreciate it alot.....though, I know
that I am doing a good job and thats all that matters to me. After work
Monday, I plan on coming home, taking a shower and going down to the
bank and asking if they recieved my application and maybe, something
good will happpen from it....Other then that, still tired and trying
to get rid of my sinus infection, working things out on the home front..
and really want to get back to my normal routine here in puter land.
Weight issues? Im still at 138, and feel pretty good....I will get the last
8 off, that I know.....I just hope to maintain, thats why I love the
deli job......quite easy. Love you all, and talk to you tomorrow
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April 11,1999
Still not feeling like myself, tired.
mentally and physically....starting to think I
might have mono....or could it just be stress? I
have made a decision around an hour ago...that
is tomorrow where I have to get up at 3:30 to be
at work to open up the store to teach the new
girl how to do it! What that does that tell you? I
can be trusted to open, trusted to work all day
by myself, close at night, but damn friends, Im
too slow??? Something isnt right here, Im
feeling bad about myself and its time to do
something about it, so tomorrow I will give my
week......thats fair, and showing respect, which
I have. I hate feeling like this, bad, hurt,
incapable, and too many other adjectives......just
not what I worked hard to acheive for this last
year.....am I doing the right thing? Should I wait
for another job first? Should I stay and hope
that this one will fail like the other so I can
prove myself a point? This is not worth losing
sleep over......let me know how you feel....you
know I always appreciate the input. Homefront,
lousy....Rich is back on the regional run, more
time home which he needs as well as Keith. Will
it save us? Dont know.....so far, we arent doing
well at all. Im beginning to feel that April has
been a lousy month so far......talk to you tomorrow
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April 12,1999
I slept an hour last nite....left the house at 530 am with ice on the
ground, opened the store before the new girl even showed up.......This
job, the home life is just keeping my brain from shutting down, sleeping...
I called the bank, and yes, I got the " we will keep you in mind, but
there really isnt anything til summer, and we rather hire college students.....
talk about a blow. I still didnt give a notice, something tells me to hang
on, at least til something else comes my way.....I just got to hang on
to that belief and I will be okay.....the circles, Im not sure if I ever
talked about "circles", you know, do something good and it will always
keep your circle going and good will come to you....silly? I believe in
it.....so, talk to you all tomorrow.....
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April 13,1999
Well today at work went pretty well.....busy, and I was working with
Connie, who I started working with and we are a great team. I know that
I was talking about giving them my last week and all, but I feel the need
to stay there, I dont know why, but that something good will come out
of this....even if its just all the great new friends I am making,the
joking around in the morning....I really do like it. Rich will be in later
on tonite, its his 40th birthday, and he doesnt want to celebrate. I feel
so bad....he loves strawberry shortcake, and I went with Keith and got the
stuff to make it, and we bought him a present....but since its so bad
between us, I dont think his birthday is going to be any special....
and that makes me sad, no matter what is going on. I went back to my
favorite store.....salvation army, and hey Im in a 6......and I cant
believe it....I even bought a five for the hell of it....hey it was
only 3.99 and they fit! Very tight, and I wont wear them for awhile
but they fit......still holding on to 138, I guess its just inches....
talk to you all tomorrow
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April 15,1999
Missed a post yesterday, came home from work and fell asleep, and by the
time I woke up Rich was home...and we talked most of the nite, trying
to get things worked out, try and somewhat make a better nite for his
birthday, though still feeling like all is my fault. Missing Annie, who
didnt even call Rich for his birthday, and just really feeling crummy
about life. Maybe its not a good time to write tonite....not too much
good is going to come out of it. Talk to you all tomorrow
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April 17,1999
Another missed post, lost day.....didnt even get on the computer......
I was going to make this my last post and end my page, why? Because
Thursday night I went out with my girlfriend at work to dinner and
stopped and had one beer...wow, huh? Well when Rich came home after me,
I was home at a quarter to nine, him and Keith didnt get home til 11..
he asked what I did, and I told him. So, after 8 years of what I thought
was a pretty great relationship and life is over....Yes, he told me all
eight years I was nothing but a f**k up (sorry, those are his words)
and always was.....its my fault that I lost Andrea and will when I lose
Keith....he also told Keith that I was a disgusting example of a mother
because I went in the bar and had a beer. Well, to explain his side, the
nite before we did have a good talk, seem to be getting somewhere, he did
complain that I went to the deli too much to sit and have coffee......
and that next I will be going to the bars, which I said no, I really
dont like them, never did.....but I went, spur of the moment....
and left early. So here I am, didnt think so, I was told all was going
to be taken away, my puter, car, meds (he did, but I found them) my
medical insurance and dental..well lets just put it all in a nutshell...
everything, he bought it all, I was nothing but crap for eight years. I
deserve NOTHING......so, after all this time....trying to learn to love
myself again, to look in the mirror and see a good person, all I hear
and see is black, good for nothing screw up who destroyed her children
and her husband. I have no strength, nothing..I can not ever forget
all those words......even if he said he said them for my own good,
so I can see how lousy and selfish, and terrible human being I am.....
how do I fix this?
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April 18,1999
My last post ended with "how do I fix this?" I go on friends, thats how....
I have fallen so many times and I get up and dust myself off and go
on. Fact is, I love my husband, and maybe I have changed so much that
I dont realize it....or maybe its a desperate move on his part to make
me go on the couch again, so there is no other life to have......just
live for him, this I dont know, nor to I intend to figure it out.....
there is compromise and commitment to that.....that is what needs to be
done here. I want it back, the closeness we once shared, the fun we used
to have, all of it.....but not with rules and regulations, nor weight
gain and depression...that does not, and nor will ever fit in my life
again....gee, I feel like Helen Reddy "I am woman, hear me roar!" LOL,
gotta laugh friends, cant look like Tammy faye Baker everyday, saddness,
crying, pain all leads to the path of food as that "drug" to take it
all away....my drug of choice is power, belief in myself, and to really
truly love myself. I would like to thank all of you for all the great
letters and support and to a special reader that made me open my eyes
alittle....with a line that "we do seem to change when we lose weight"
Next month I will be here for a year...and I have made the best friends,
and many new ones that stick by my side.....are there to pick me up,cheer me on,
and the occasional kick in the a**. I love you all so much. Thanks....
ps, I WILL get those letters answered!!!!!! I promise.
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April 19,1999
A pretty tiring day.....emotionally drained I suppose. Rich left out
last nite, and I gave him a bible to read, we talk about God alot,
he has a belief in "something" but not knowing what actually....Im hoping
he can read and maybe believe? Maybe it will help us? Im not sure.....
just hate this feeling, hate not knowing, and all the termoil in the
house and in my heart. Im not hungry anymore, havent been for days....
pretending to be happy at work and laugh with everyone, and inside Im
crying......waiting for the sun again. Talk to you all tomorrow
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April 20,1999
This month is going so fast.....and I really wish it would slow up
some, we have to move in June. The landlords offered us a new lease,
but we have to pay more money, and give keys out to the realtors...they
know what they can do with that. So here we go again....packing, looking
for a new place that will keep Keith in the same school. Just not looking
forward to this at all. Anyway, spoke with Rich on the phone last nite,
hes back on the regional run but not sure if he is going to make it back
tonite or not. Worked 7 hours today, made great tips....and really
grateful for the extra hours, it was just one of those days that got
so busy and I just couldnt leave...hope I get more of these, although
I feel like Im going to keel over...but hey, Im burning! I want these
last eight pounds off.....talk to you all tomorrow
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April 21,1999
Well more fighting on the phone with Rich last nite, a day from hell today...
it just gets better and better friends. This morning when I went to start my
car for work, the battery was dead, called my neighbor and bestfriend
for two years to please either come by or wake up her hubby to give me
a jump....I was told call a shop and hung up on. Nice..well, Im trying
to think that she was just woken up and not thinking..but still, kinda
cold. I called the store to see if Connie could get one of the guys to give
me a jump, but none were around, and finally had to call a auto shop
2 miles away, who charged me 25 dollars...which I gave it to him in
tip money.....all quarters.lol. I was a little upset for being charged so much
for such a little thing...anyway, 20 minutes late for work, and of
course when I leave the battery is dead, got a jump from a customer and
had to go and buy a new battery......thank god, I got that check today from
the study on depression I was involved with, 150 dollars. I was supposed
to buy clothes with it, but oh well,,,,,,doesnt this always happen? I just ate
dinner, a bagel with jelly...all I ate for the day. Just too upset and
basically fed up to feel hungry....better then stuffing my face, I suppose.
I did buy a cherry roll......I have such a sweet tooth lately, and I
figure how I run around the store all day....I can indulge, once in
a while. Well, Rich is due in tomorrow nite for the rest of the weekend..
hope it can be peaceful. Talk to you all tomorrow
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April 23,1999
Hiya friends....didnt post yesterday, got home from work and passed out....
just so tired and drained. My neighbor Tami,(my best friend, well, I thought
of her as my sis) called me the other nite screaming at me still for
being stupid enough to call her the other morning for the jump...I don't
get it, I thought that was what friendship was all about. That you can
call at 6 in the morning and say hey, I need a jump. I know I wouldnt
of even hesitated...but then again, we are all so different. I love
her to death, but this hurts....I was devasted on the thought that I
had to move away and that we wouldnt be neighbors anymore, but now...
I know that my friendship and feelings go alot deeper, and being called
a stupid a** just doesnt sit right with me.....anyway, Rich should be
in soon, hoping its going to be a nice weekend, take Keith fishing...
talk to all tomorrow.
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April 24,1999
Hiya friends...still feeling very tired, think Im getting a cold or
god forbid that sinus infection again. Everything has been kinda quiet
here on the home front, did a little shopping at the thrift store...
not what I wanted, I really wanted to go to the mall and get some new
clothes this time, but settled for the second hand stuff. Its only for
the deli anyway. Havent heard a word from Tami, thats the way it usually
goes with her, but this time is different. The names she called me, the
damn coldness of the whole situation. I find that hard to forgive, at
this point in my life anyway....well going to go eat dinner, and then
off to a lingerie party....I love them, I used to sell it too, and have
the house parties...lots of fun. I will probably book one too.....Im
such a sucker. Talk to you all tomorrow.
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April 25,1999
Rich and Keith went fishing....and I finally have a little time to
get on here and do some work.Slept late this morning,but feeling a little
better. I spent alot at the lingerie party...loved the line, and yes
of course I booked a party....have to help a fellow sister. Now, when
to do it? I have no idea...got to get ready to move and all, I guess
I will fit it in somewhere. It was pretty neat when I went up and ordered,
I asked her what sizes she thought I should get..and she looked at me,
and said...well your so thin, I would go with a meduim (have a large
chest) otherwise it would of been a small. I still cant get this through my
head friends.....will I ever? talk to you all tomorrow. I will catch up
on my letters too, please forgive me once again.
Later on......I just got back from the deli alittle while ago, and Bob,
my lovely boss let me go, fired me, canned me, whatever you want to call it....
Oh it was sweet, and I got "your so nice, and everyone loves you, and
I dont want you to take this personal....but your just a little too
slow"....Bull. Its not true, I worked at a NY deli for 6 years, there
is no way.....someone else is coming in, and instead of being honest
and just saying so and so is coming back, and I wont be needing you, he
has to make me feel bad about myself.....which, yeah I do. I have never
been fired, always done my best for any job.....this sucks. Though, I
have to look at it as an opening for something better and not let myself
get too down on the dumps. Im going to look for something else, get
more focused on my web page and all my friends here.....and something
better is waiting for me.
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April 26,1999
Very depressing this morning, waking up, not having anywhere to go.
I feel like the loser of the year...lost my friend,my job, my self respect....
how many times this month I was basically called a screw up? Too many...
I know that this latest, getting fired could and probably will lead to
something better for me, but friends, I liked it. I really did....and I
feel sad, and like I lost something.....a whole bunch of friends. I
can always go and visit and not be on the other side of the counter, but
I feel stupid right now. Now I have to move, so I guess I can concentrate
on that for awhile, get some boxes, pack, look for a new place to rent,
now why isnt that make me feel any better????? lol. Rich said that he
will take me and Keith up to Maine one day this week, kinda looking
forward to that....its been a long time since we were in the truck
together, and a long trip to Maine might do me some good right now....
but right at this moment....I feel so sad. Talk to you all later....
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April 29,1999
Im back, major puter crash.....as if getting fired wasnt enough, my puter
crashed and my new car needs 400 dollars of repairs to get fixed..its in
the shop now, and hey guess what????? Its all my fault.....like that is
a surprise.....It has been a week of hell, well lets just say a month of hell....
and I cant wait til June is here, maybe a new job? A car that is safe
to drive, and a new place to live....anyway, Im back, will get all caught
up with my mail, and start on my new May page. One year Aniversary!
talk to you all tomorrow
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April 30,1999
Last entry of the month, a pretty bad month.....I got my car back, still
needs new tires, but its safe at least. Im going to start looking for
a new job Monday, and hoping that I can find one....Have to make a new page
for tomorrow and so much to catch up with, mail, here at home...
Im a mess, but I will get back, always do, right? talk to you all
tomorrow
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