October1,1998
Morning friends, real early post this morning
Rich and I had a huge argument on the phone last night,and today
is our 6th anniversary...I guess I was wrong, and he was wrong...
but two stubborn souls have lots of problems when they both feel
that they are right. Anyway I lost another pound!!! I am now at 159!
Finally into the fifties...I really want that dress to be taken in!!!
My buddy Skip came over last night and installed a little juke box for
me...its so cool, I have a real huge play list and can listen to
the music while I am puttering around on the puter...Thanks Skip (he
never reads my journal anyway...)Still never heard from the dr yet..
hope its today, well will let you all know....see ya all later
Okay, back...just a real quick add on...I got the DIVORCE PAPERS!!!!
She caved.....YES!!!!!!!
Oct2,1998
Hi friends,I heard from the dr yesterday, and I am happy to report that
I have no diabetes, not even borderline,it was a relief.Rich is on his
way home now from two weeks on the road, and I am so looking forward to
his visit home. I know he needs to rest,but I need him to go to the tux
place.....and so many other errands. We'll see how it goes. Most important
we need to be together,,,,it has been so stressful this past week, and
I know I havent been all there for him when he needed me. You know
friends, I still feel like I am sabotaging...like almost giving him
a reason to say, "nope, she isnt worthy" why do I still do that????
I have really thought I have come so far, and still I see the old patterns,
sabotage any happiness because I don't deserve it...I really don't know
how I keep myself from the fridge,,if this isnt one of the old excuses
to eat, then I don't know what is. I hope one day this inner hatred
will pass....I really do.See ya tommorrow my friends....
Oct3,1998
Hi friends,,,just popping in for a sec, Rich is home and after 2 weeks
gone its hard to stay away,he is home til Monday and then back out for
another two or more weeks...we have to do this for the wedding. I honestly
have no idea where the money is going to come from,but just got to believe...
We went down to the tux rental store, and he is going to wear an ivory
long tailed tux...I can't wait. He is going to look so handsome...now
only if we had that white horse.....
I have been so bad with the exercise, and I seriously have to do something
about it...I decided that starting Monday,its back to Richard, and walking
and all that other sweaty stuff...I will never lose the inches that I
want to lose...the eating,I can honestly say I have under control, but
lets face it, without the exercise...I will just be flub. So, friends..
hold me to this,Okay???? If I dont post Monday,that I have got Richard
out of the closet and starting sweating to the oldies...send me that kick
in the butt email....K????counting on you now. Back to my knight, and
see you all tommorrow....
Oct4,1998
Hi friends...beautiful day here today, and it was so nice to have Rich
here to spend the day with. We are getting the wood stove all ready and
I just love the smell of the wood burning. All set for my session with
Richard tommorow...just might do Jane, but I am doing something!!!
Talk to all tommorrow
Oct5,1998
Hi Friends...well I have exercised!! One hour and twenty minutes with Jane!!!!
I feel great!! Now if I can do this everyday again, I will get this flab
undercontrol and lose them inches, work them thighs...lol. I called the
justice of the peace this morning and we are all set with him, he will
be here at 2:25pm....I think Im finally saying.."Im getting married!!"
Well my knight is still home til after dinner and then off to Kentucky..
so, proud of me for getting off my butt and hope this will be an everyday
entry....see ya all tommorrow
Oct6th,1998
Well I have reunited with Richard,,,and did 60 minutes of disco sweat
with him, proud of me!! Sore as hell, but the war against the flab and
extra inches has begun!! Rich left out last night after 10 sometime...
miss him already, but he has to run so we can pay for a wedding...still
dont have any idea how we will do this...but somehow, it will work...
I also cleaned my whole house today! Thats even more calories burned...
pretty good...it was such a mess, and I always have to think there is
a 8th wonder of the world...that is why cant men walk 2 feet to the laundry
basket and deposit their clothes??? Anybody???
see ya all tommorrow
Oct7th,1998
Hi friends..did my Jane this morning..the whole tape. I am so sore, that it
hurts to breathe, but you know I feel GREAT!!!I will do this..I will
get this weight off, the inches off. I have to...no ands, ifs and buts..
I also find that my appetite is coming back..which kinda bothers me, but
its just a little more will power to deal with, thats all. Rich called
me twice yesterday...really missing me. I can't believe all the new
changes between us...we seem to have gotten so much closer and open and
honest with each other. Like its all brand new again, kinda neat after
6 years...still got that uneasy feeling that this isnt happening, that
the sky is going to come caving in any minute now...wish I could overcome
that....gotta believe, right friends?? see ya all tommorrow
Oct8th,1998
Hi friends, well had my hair redyed today, that red is hard to keep in..
and sadly no report of a loss this week, I have been really working hard
at this..Im very depressed about it. Though, I will not give up..even
after the depressing weigh in this morning, I put on Richard Simmons
Sweating to the Oldies and did the whole tape, leg weights and all. I
have found that my soreness has eased some..so thats a good sign. Talked
to a lady at the beauty salon today and she said to eat protein in the
morning, a sure way to jump start your metabolism. She has a master's
in this field so she held my attention...I told her I usually ate a
bagel or toast with nofat cheese, and she said I should have it with
peanut butter, or cereal and milk. So I went out and bought Healthy Choice
cereal with nuts and hope that is what does the trick...its the home
stretch here, and I have to keep going...right now I feel like eating
everything in sight, but I know that won't help, just make me hate myself,
and be more depressed....(heavy sigh) pathetic, huh friends???
Rich is on his way to Texas, and then maybe California...not going to
see him for awhile..but we need the money, after paying all the bills
today...there is hardly a dime for the wedding expenses...kinda feel
like I really screwed up planning it so soon...but Rich keeps assuring
me that all will work out...we will see. See ya all tommorrow my friends.
Oct9th,1998
Hi friends, a really bad evening and morning so far..last night I got
a call from the school bus driver that she got some calls from some
very irate parents that said my son has been talking disgusting on the
bus about me and Rich. This is the second time that I have had this
problem with him, last year it was on the bus stop, and I was called
by a neighbor, and now its on the bus..I had to bring him in to school
this morning, principle was'nt there, but I talked with the guidance
counsler..we will have to work on this together...from what I got from
Keith, my son.,,is they all talk about sex, and it was a matter of who
can top who's story...I really don't think he knew how much he was hurting
me, and I believed that I was a good mom. I tried to teach both the
kids about decent behavior and the silly "cool factor"...but I guess
I failed. Yes, I am feeling bad...even told Rich last night that if he
wanted to bail..I understand, my kids are so difficult at times. I know
its me..just not a good parent, and thinking should I give them to my ex...
yes he was a beast to me, but maybe he will be a better parent. I love
them so much, but I feel like I am failing them here...I know this is
a depressing entry, just trying to some soul searching...I have to
see the principle Monday, and my son may get kicked off the bus..or
worse..will hold on here,,,see ya all tommorrow...
Oct10,1998
Hi friends...well I feel alittle better about the Keith incident,I have
to realize that I have taught them the best I could, and they have to
learn to make right choices in life. He will have to suffer the consenquenses
for his behavior, and that is my job, to make sure that he does. The
only thing that bothers me now is going to see the principle on Monday,
even at 37...it gives me the creeps..lol
I binged last night too...I know, havent done that in awhile..but,that
stupid worthless emotions starting haunting me, and I ran to the food.
I am so so pissed off...and this morning I even did a 40 minute session
with The Firm..a very sadistic exercise tape. I guess I punished myself
for slipping up...but its forgotten and forgiven....Im only human.
I am having a fitting in a little while...hoping that the gown got a tad
bit larger, its not a formal fitting or anything, just at Tammy's, my
neighbor and wedding gestapo LOL, she needs to see if we need to dye
my white lace boots..and what kind of jewerly, and hey like she always
says...its her wedding too! Love her!!! Will let you all know how it went
tommorrow....see ya then
Oct11,1998
Hi friends,,,very good news, the gown is loose!! The top is hanging, the waist
is bunching, yep..there is going to be some alterations needed....
very good thing. Today is Tammy's birthday, so we are going out tonight
to the nightclub where her husband dj's....really looking forward to
it. Got the little black dress, the heels, Im all set...need a night
out too. Just got to watch the alcohol...Im not driving, so thats good.
But I know how fattening it is...so limiting to 2 coors lights and
a shot of tequilla! I have to get up early anyway to go see the principal.
So, dont want to go in with a hangover....
I got a call from the real estate people...they want to show the house
tommorrow at ten...uck! Usually, I would have the house spotless, but
you know I really dont care...well, see ya all tommorrow...wish me luck
with the principle....
Oct12,1998
Hiya friends..well first the principle went pretty good...he actually
told my son how lucky he is to have a mom like me that loved and cared
so much about him...seems like more then half of the kids in that school
that wouldnt even care about this...so that made me feel much better,
and Keith has no more chances, next time he will be suspended from the
bus for ten days...so,one problem over with....last night was okay,
kinda dudville....but it was a night out and I had a good time....
so, still the same weight, but the inches are going....see ya all
tommorrow.....
Oct13,1998
Hiya friends..Rich came home last night to surprise me for dinner...
it was real nice, since I wasnt expecting it. He had to leave out this
morning, so short trip home, but he needs the miles..I went out last night
and got all the things I needed for the headpiece. Its going to be gorgeous.
As far as the weight, still hanging on to the same 159...but I look
thinner...I guess I just have to be happy and hope this plateau goes
fast. I didnt get any exercise in this morning,,but its temporary, tommorrow
its back to the sweat...Rich was here, had hundreds of letters to go
through and so many other errands...so tommorrow, we start all over again.
Have a good night all and see ya tommorrow....
Oct14,1998
Hiya friends...Im down a pound!! Maybe,,hopefully, praying that this
will mean that nasty plateau is over....my headpiece is all done, my
friend Kathy came over and put it all together,,,its so gorgeous...
has roses and white leaves, three different kinds of beads and pearls..
All I can say is that I was awed at how easy it was for her...tried the
gown on again,,and she has some work to do! :-) Didnt get to do Jane
or Richard this morning, had the tape in, weights on, and the phone
would not stop ringing...and by the time I got all of that done, I had
to get to the store...I know, no excuse...dont give up on me friends..
I will get back on track....see ya ll tommorrow
Oct15,1998
Well started out all good today, did Jane...had my friends MaryKay
make over for her birthday...then went home and my son told me that it
was hurting him to go to the bathroom. So I took him to the dr, and
he has a polyp..a growth of fatty skin or membrane..dr wasnt really sure.
Anyway, he needs to go to the urologist and have it removed. Its an
in office operation, but still no insurance, no money. I am so scared
how I am going to pay for this. Hoping that the dr will have a billing
arrangement or something...he is supposed to call me tommorrow.
Let you all know...told Rich, If I have to, I will sell my wedding dress
my puter,,whatever I needed to do to get him this surgery,,,he thinks
I am way overboard, but hey I am a mom...we would do anything for our
children....see ya all tommorrow
Oct16,1998
Hi friends, feeling alittle better today, I got that cream for Keith
and it has dulled the pain, and he has been feeling better...and actually
the more I look at it, the more it looks like a pimple. The drs up here
are known to be all idiots..and everyone I talked to from the pharmacy
to other friends in the area,,,are agreeing, the drs are idiots....
So, we are going to see how he feels tommorrow and if it still looks
bad or inflammed then I will take him to the county hospital, they cant
refuse me and I can deal with monthly billing...Still, it was so scary
and still have dread...anytime you hear growth, gives me the chills.
Will keep you all updated on it all. I stepped on the scale this morning
and I was at 155....cant believe that I lost three pounds over night...
I guess the worry, the crying, and hey even the peanut butter every
morning,,,they say that protein in the morning really helps boost the
metabolism. Rich is on his way home, should be in tommorrow sometime..
have a good day all...see ya all tommorrow
Oct17,1998
Morning friends, Rich is on his way home today and I have him til Monday,
I think we are going for the marriage lisence Monday too...(big gulp)
this is really happenening. Keith is doing much better and the polyp
(pimple) looks like it is going away...I have read so much on polyps,
and I know what a pimple looks like...still, I probably will take him
to the county hospital and have him checked out just to put any doubts
to ease...you know us moms. I didnt get to exercise yesterday, so right
after this post, going to get moving..the more you stop, the harder it
is to get moving again....so friends, have a great day and see ya all
tommorrow....just want to thank you all too for always being there for
me at the darkest times....(all my faithful readers) love you all....
Oct18,1998
Hiya Friends, Rich pulled in yesterday afternoon,nice to have him home,
tommorrow we are going to the courthouse for the marriage lisence and
his tux...Im also happy to tell you all that the "polyp" "growth" whatever
the dr couldnt figure out...is gone. Keith is feeling much better, and
the pimple is gone...talk about scaring people half to death, well, I
will never go back to that dr again. So major sighs of relief....
Its pretty nice today, so hoping to go up to that lake in a little. Need
a nice normal day...oh, and I did my Firm tape yesterday! Getting back on
track....see ya all tommorrow
Oct19,1998
Hiya friends, Rich just pulled out and we got our marriage lisence taken
care of, and his tux...list is getting checked little by little...Keith
is back to normal and all is going well....except I am bouncing off the
walls alittle. This up and down roller coaster has driven me crazy....
Im sure there is more to come...Anyway, didnt get any exercise in this
morning...too much to do, but tommorrow its back to the grind. Been so
tired lately...guess all the stress from getting his divorce papers to
the latest incident with Keith finally caught up with me...slept almost
all day yesterday.....well, looks like an early night again, so see ya
all tommorrow....
Oct20,1998
Morning friends...early post today, Rich came in again last night and
I have him home til tommorrow morning, must say this is rare, but so special.
I got a real cool surprise last night from my good friend Rox, I have won
the award from her Scaletalkers
Place web site...and I have to say I am honored to be called the
Big Fat Loser....go check it out, and all of her pages...thanks Rox.
Well have a good day all and see ya all tommorrow
Oct21,1998
Hiya friends..pretty good news,Rich has been offered a regional run
with his company and that means he will be home every weekend and
sometimes during the week too. Its more money, and what can I say but..
its wonderful.He left out this morning for his last long haul...and next
week its all northeast. Finally,we have been waiting for this forever.
I recieved a beautiful rose bouquet from my very good net friend Laurie,
as a wedding gift...and its gorgeous!I am speechless....I have never
had the honor of having such great friends before in my life...The people
that I have met on the web through my journal, diet club...have just made
such a difference in my life. All I can say, and I know I sound like a
broken record, I love you all.....Okay, havent been exercising since Rich
has been home...I know, bad excuse. Tommorrow back to the grind...I really
want to lose ten more pounds before the wedding...do you think I can???
see ya all tommorrow
Oct22,1998
Hi Friends..pretty cold nasty day today. Got my hair done and the girls
that do my hair gave me a wedding gift of 6 free tanning sessions...
I thought that was so cool, and so nice of them. First tan is Tues...
Still didnt get any exercise going..now whats wrong with me? I get in
these back slides every so often, and then cant get motivated to move
again..just got to get back to studying the flab...eating, I am doing
good, no cheating..eating regular, its just getting up and moving...
I am running around town all day and cleaning..but lets grow up, that
isnt "working them thighs".....not going to give up though....you know
me, I will get back to it....see ya all tommorrow...
Oct23,1998
Morning Friends...early post this morning...got lots to do today, well
I weighed in this morning, and I have lost another pound!!! 154! Four
more to go to get to mini goal...and 9 to go for my wedding date....
I should get off my butt now and exercise...but of course, got to jump
in the shower and get ready...look at me, making excuses all the time..
tommorrow, yes I will get out Jane and get to work! Rich is on his way
to Atlanta...I know, he suppossed to be home and starting his regional
run this Monday, of course there is a delay...that was a no brainer...
but we have alot to look forward to, and hoping that he keeps that on
his mind on his long rides down the highways....well, hoping to get lots
of walking in at the stores...so see ya all tommorrow and have a great
day
Oct24,1998
Hiya friends...change of plans, they started Rich on the regional run..
so hes on his way home today and off to Maine tommorrow for his first
ne regional...he feels so good about all this..and hopefully the money
will be as good as they tell him it will be...I pay all the bills every
week, and have hardly a dime towards the wedding...I am really counting
on this....other then that, all is the same...my calender is so full
with hair appts,nail appts,and all sorts of stuff. My nerves are just
about shot, I know that is what keeps my metabolism going into overdrive.
Im suppossed to exercise today...lol, I got a million things to do
before Rich pulls in.....shaking her head..Monday! I swear....
see ya all tommorrow
Oct25,1998
Morning friends...posting early, Rich is home til after dinner and we
are going to the mall in a little while. Going to get the wedding cake
topper and some other things. We got a new Wendy's in town (Whoopie!)
You know your in the sticks when a new Wendys gets you all excited.
So I am planning to go there for dinner, chicken friends...not even going
to think about touching a burger...so you all have a great Sunday and
talk to you tommorrow...
Oct26,1998
Hi friends,Rich left out last night, his first day on the regional run.
Keeping my fingers crossed. I have exercised this morning,and forget
Jane and Richard...went right to The Firm...I need this, need the real
stuff here...Well checked out the new Wendys..had a chicken pita, and
hated it...really wanted a bacon cheeseburger, can we ever get over this?
We got our wedding topper..its a beautiful snowball, with the bride and
the groom in the middle...its gorgeous. We also got our first dance and
the cd that has "there is love, the wedding song"....Thats what I will
walk out to. We even practiced dancing last night,,and I broke down. I
finally said "Im sorry, Im sorry that I spent 6 years hiding in fat,
hiding the real me inside..because I was so very afraid to trust you"
I was so convinced he would leave me sooner or later..so why let myself
trust him? My knight is still marrying me...Im the luckiest woman in
the whole world....
see ya all tommorrow....
Oct27,1998
Hiya friends! Lost another pound!!! Down to 153, did 45 minutes of The
Firm..and feeling great. Rich came in last night, its going to be a little
weird at first getting used to this..I mean after 6 years of him never
being home, now possible coming three days a week and weekends too...
(love it)...but feeling "bridal"...you know postal, only bridal....
Im like "Rich, you are suppossed to be working!!!...I mean I love you
home, but your suppossed to be getting them miles in!!!!"...as I am
holding a kitchen knife..lol, only kidding,hes guarenteed a certain
salary every week, no matter what the miles are....just one of those things
that you have to see proof...Okay, gotta jump in the shower..got my
first tan today!.....see ya all tommorrow..
Oct28,1998
Hi Friends...well one more month,(major gulp).My first tan went very
well, loved it..and Kelli(hairdresser) did my hair so gorgeous...we
are keeping it down, and she just used the curling iron..It looked
beautiful! Of course I asked her and her partner Michelle to come to
the wedding after they close shop...The whole town is coming, lol..
I did Callentics this morning, a very intense exercise tape..its not
really fast pace or anything, just tiny little movements using all
the good muscles...stomach, butt, legs, arms...and I am so surprised
but I felt the burning so much more then when I did the Firm...I am
so sore...still going to the Firm though,,maybe this one twice a week.
On a mission friends...Rich is on his way home again, he just called
from Albany, which is like three hours away or so...this is so weird.
I love it, but I guess I just have to get used to it....Stayed up til
3am last night..so I am really dragging. I love when hes home though..
I really fall asleep so easily, its a feeling of safety...Im always
half asleep, half awake when hes gone...I made the cake appt for
Sunday so we can pick it all out together...he has gotta feel a little
left out...so this is something we can do together....
well friends, I will see ya all tommorrow....
Oct29,1998
Hiya friends..well not such a great morning so far,Rich and I have
gotten into a pretty huge fight,hes gone to his pickup..and I am sitting
here feeling like crap. Most of the problems are my fault,cant seem to
focus on much lately...either I am lost in space, or floating on air.
I know alot has to do with the wedding coming up, I get so excited about
it all, I have never had all this, the gown, the cake, all the friends
coming..its such a high (floating on air part) then I start getting
so nervous, not having the money,Rich's new run not working out, if I
start freaking, I cant deal with it so I get(lost in space)...thus..
not focusing on saving money, him, the kids...all of it. Guess I need
to come to earth..anyway, I was sore from that Callenetics tape, I just
did Richard. Need to keep moving. See ya all tommorrow friends..
Oct30,1998
Hiya friends..well Rich and I have talked all out...Im sure this wont
be the last of our fights,,,this next month is going to be so very
stressful. Well I know I am getting there, I am finally let it all sink
in...I AM GETTING MARRIED! My friends on the dieters club I belong to
are throwing me a cyber shower...pretty cool,huh? I got my first present
today, cant open til Nov13th...I have never had all this stuff, It brings
tears to my eyes..these people that really dont know me that very long
are going through all the trouble to do this...when my own mother couldnt
even bring herself to do that for me. I feel so honored to have such
great friends...didnt do my exercise this morning, still so sore..and
I need a little break, tommorrow...
Oct31,1998
Happy Halloween friends! Last entry of the month, and I cant believe
how fast this month flew by,,,,you all know what next month is, and
be prepared for maniac entries...I will try hard to stay calm, not
to stress eat, and not to kill anyone..LOL. I bought all junky candy,
cant be tempted by the chocolate. So, with this month over...follow
me all into next month....the happiest day of my life! See ya all
tommorrow.
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November&TheWedding