3.)A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?" The man says, "Set me up with five whiskey shots, and make 'em doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all five are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doin' all this drinking. "You'd drink 'em this fast too if you had what I have." The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"
The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."
Drunk walks into elevator, no elevator there, falls five stories down, lands on the bottom. Lies there a few seconds, slowly opens his eyes, and then says, ``Dammit, I said UP.´´
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A guy walks in a bar, and buys a huge beer. Then he sees someone he knows, and decides to go and say hi to them, but he does not want to drag his beer mug with him. So he sets it on a table, along with a note "I spit in this beer" hoping that noone will steal it then. Upon return, he sees another note saying "Me too!"
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A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"
"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $50,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," continued, the friend, "nothing!"
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A bear goes into a bar in Boise, sits up at the bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender looks up and says "I'm sorry but we don't serve beers to bears in bars in Boise." At this the bear gets very upset, and says "If you don't give me a beer I'm going to get really mad!" The bartender not wanting any trouble says "I'm really sorry and I don't want you to get mad but, we don't serve beers to bears in bars in Boise."
Now at this point the bear is getting really mad! So he looks around and sees a couple quietly having dinner. He gets up and knocks the table over, the couple scream and run out. Now the bear asks the bartender, "How did you like that? Do I get my beer now?" The bartender says "I didn't like that at all! But..we don't serve beers to bears in bars in Boise!" The bear is getting visibly upset, "Look, if you don't give me that beer I'm going to hurt someone!" Now the crowd is getting nervous, the bartender again tries to calm the now very, very upset bear down, "I'd really rather you not hurt anyone, but I still can't give you that beer because...we don't serve beers to bears in bars in Boise!"
Well at his point the bear jumps up and grabs the guy sitting next to him and tears into him, ripping him to pieces. Everyone is horrified and the poor guy crawls out the door. The bear feeling sure he'll get his beer now says "So, how did you like that? How about my beer?" The bartender holds his ground and says "That was terrible!! I really wish you wouldn't have done that but...we do not serve beers to bears in bars in Boise!" So now the bear gets furious, "If you don't give me that beer I'm going to KILL someone!" Of course the bartender doesn't doubt it but tells him "Please don't kill anyone! But....we don't serve beers to bears in bars in Boise!"
Well as you can imagine the bear is crazy by now and looks to the end of the bar and see's this sleazy,nasty woman with fishnet stockings, sucking on a cigarette, guzzling down drinks. So he gets up and goes down to her rips her off the stool, tears her in half,rips out her guts, blood goes everywhere as he eats her up! He then turns to the bartender with blood dripping from his mouth, "SO.. NOW DO I GET THAT BEER?" The bartender is sickened by what he see's, "That was awful!! I sure wish you wouldn't have done that because we also don't serve beers to people that do drugs!" Well the bear can't believe it, "I don't do drugs!"
The bartender replies "Oh yes you do ...what about that barbitchyouate?"
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Six men who were feeling no pain were staggering down the street about one in the morning. Laughing and singing loudly, they walked up to a two-story home. One of them managed to make it to the door and pounded on the doorbell insistently. A light came on in a upstairs window. The spokesman for the group yelled up, "Is this where Mr. John Smith lives?" "Yes, it is. What do you want?" "Are you Mrs. Smith?" "I am Mrs. Smith. What do you want?" "Could you come down here and pick out Mr. Smith so the rest of us can go home?"
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One night, a man on his way home happened upon a drunk, down on his hands and knees searching for something under a street light. The man asked the drunk what he was looking for so diligently and the drunk said he had tripped and his Rolex wrist watch had broken loose from his wrist. The man, being a kindhearted soul, got down on his hands and knees and began assisting the drunk looking for his watch. After about ten minutes without any success, the man asked the drunk exactly where he tripped. "About a half a block up the street," the drunk said. "Why, pray tell," the man asked the drunk, "are you looking for your watch here if you lost it a half a block up the street?" The drunk replied, "The light is a lot better here."
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The middle aged gentleman stopped in at a neighborhood tavern and was enjoying a drink at the bar when a young man with a huge multicolored mohawk took a seat next to him. He couldn't help but stare at the young man.
"Hey dude, what's your problem?" the mohawked man barked, clearly annoyed. "Didn't you ever do anything crazy when you were young?"
Of course. That's the reason I was staring," the older man replied.
"Once when I was young, I got really drunk and had sex with a peacock on dare; I couldn't help wondering if you were my son."
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A man walks into a bar one night and asks for 3 drinks. The bartender asks the man what is wrong, to which the man replied, "My oldest son is a homosexual." So the bartender gives him 3 drinks. A few months later the man walks in and asks the bartender for five drinks. Again the bartender asked the man what was wrong. "My second son is a homosexual." The bartender gives him five drinks, and the man goes on his way. Several months later, he walks in again and asks for ten drinks. The bartender again asks what's wrong. "My youngest son just admitted he's homosexual." To which the bartender replied, "My goodness, isn't there anybody in your family that like women?" "Yeah, my wife does."
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A man enters a bar and asks the barkeep for a shell, as the barkeep
serves him the man reaches into his coat pocket and places a small piano upon
the bar then out of the other pocket he produces a 12 in high man who begins
to play the piano. The barkeep is amazed and ask where did he get them. The
man answers with the typical gene reply there by the barkeep ask if he still
had the bottle and if so would he sell it? The man answered that he might still
have the bottle and if so the barkeep could have it at no cost, he left and
returned shortly with a old bottle giveing it to the barkeep. The barkeep ran
to the other end of the bar and soon the bar was filled with thousands of ducks
. The barkeep returned to the man complaining that that he wished for 10,000 fucks
not ducks. The man replied
" do you think I wished for a 12 inch pianist"?
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Man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine.
At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. "Where the hell have you been?!?!" "Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her." "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and...
"You God damn liar!!! You went bowling again!!!"
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This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar but thinks "What the heck, I really want a drink".
A gay waiter swishes up to him and says "What's the name of your penis?"
The customer is shocked and says "Look, I'm just not into that. All I want is a drink".
The gay waiter says "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis."
So the customer says "all right, what's the name of YOUR penis?". The gay waiter says "NIKE ... you know, JUST DO IT".
The customer thinks for a moment and says "The name of my penis is "Secret". "SECRET?" says the waiter, confused.
The customer says "Yeah ... STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"
ANIMAL JOKES
King of the jungle
My first time
The vetriloquist
Blown a seal
Chicken loving parrot
BAR JOKES
6 inches
The 1st time
Its all I have
Blonde jokes
More Blonde jokes
GENDER JOKES
Wrong number
Midnight Mishap
Baseball Buddies
A night with her
Knock on wood
The trip
A letter home
A golf outing
The Bust
Kids jokes
Boy or girl
Swearing
Heaven sent
HEADLINE JOKES
Viagra
Viagra2
NATIONALITY JOKES
Chineese Detective
Only in america
Mexican Bandit
OFFICE JOKES
Celebrity Deaths
Bill Clinton
Laws of work
Angry Owner
RELIGIOUS JOKES
Funny
3 couples
Preachers
Saying Grace
Bingo
Pastors Parrot
3 nuns
Jesus Golfing
Evil Brothers
Car broken down
They died in the service
SCHOOL JOKES
Jock itch
Third grade again
SPOUSE JOKES
Gone fishing
Joe & John
The shopping trip
labor Pain
Snails Pace
Pay Backs
Love, Lust, Marriage
BLONDE JOKES
Blonde Jokes
#$#
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