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The elevator!! Yipes. That was one place in the Gurdwara
that gave me the creeps! None of the kids, even the big ones, went close to the
elevator. The elevator had been built along with the Gurdwara, but had gradually
fallen out of use when the keertan hall had moved from the third to the second floor.
It was officially closed soon after that. At least that was the official story. But any kid in the know will tell you that there
were other things that caused the officials to officially close the elevator. Dark
and dangerous things!! (If you have a weak heart, please consult your physician
(or lawyer) before continuing). Kids
reported seeing spooky lights and ghosts. It was widely known amongst us kids
that this elevator (some kids called it the Vision Room of the Subconscious Mind) might just be inhabited by one or more not
so invisible Shaheed Singhs who could be seen only when the lights were out (but that's another story). (And of course the conspiracy kid always tells everybody it’s
really an InterStellar Elevator <Twilight Zone Music dee-de dee- de> and the reason it’s always locked is to keep
(illegal) Aliens from entering our universe). My scientific ahead-of-you-by-at-least-two-text-books
sister, on the other hand, had explained the visions away with some scientific phenomena of light coming through the keyhole
and creating images like a camera. But I wasn’t buying it. One kid, on a dare, had gone into the elevator one night
and had come out a completely different person. This kid laughed and cried at
odd times. And during keertan, he would suddenly straighten up and make unworldly sounds; then he would attempt to start dancing. He usually would have to be removed to the corridor outside the keertan darbaar, where
he would dance hypnotically until the keertan ended. As much as we could, we
avoided that fellow! Why did the conspiracy kid want me to meet him there? This kid is always up to something or the other and I can’t figure out how to
drop him out of the series. Perhaps the Godfather can kidnap him and the over-eating-aunties
go to rescue him and everyone gets wasted! I’ll make sure the DVD kid and
my sister join the rescue mission. Or how about the Ridhi Sidhi
girl <psycho music> reappears and converts everyone that
bothers me into camels or something? As I turned towards the elevator, something on the
ceiling caught my eye – it was my multi-coloured suction cup squoosh ball I lost at camp two years ago stuck high
up. I shook my head and chuckled to myself, this place really is home. Then
my heart froze; on the high window near the ceiling sat a frog looking down at me. I
almost tripped over the crutches. I scolded myself – am I going to freak
out whenever I see a frog? Of course not!
There are a million frogs on this planet, that one was just one of them. I
continued my hop towards the elevator….. The frog <chilling something-bad-is-about-to-happen
music> watched as the figure on crutches walked towards the elevator. Behind
the frog, a toad holding a wand in its slimy mouth stared miserably at the frog. The
frog looked back and softly purred, “reebbot”. (There is a fierce debate being held at some of the top Universities in world about why some frogs croak “ribbit” while others croak “reebbot”. Some fine and highly renowned Frogology professors have regarded this
as proof that frogs have reached a point in their evolution where they can differentiate between the slimy dark-green-collar
worker class and the slimy light-green-collar elite class. Yet another violently
anti-corporation organization called “Just Stop It” has concluded
in their latest journal that corporate advertisers (it particularly cites Reebok) have begun to change the behavior of the non-human species too). Any respectable series
would have left this little thread right here, but not us; the Jedi Nights Series people.
We are committed to Truth. It is our uncontended claim that we, not some
new-age wishy-washy flaky-fluky pseudo-pseudi guy with a ponytail drinking latte at a hip Starbucks, that put the capital
T in Truth. In fact, as you read this, our R & D group is working around the clock to change the way
Truth is spelt (we
believe it should be
TruTh because “ru” means “light” and we want to assert that light is always surrounded by truth ….
er that’s TruTh). We will keep you updated on this historic and revolutionary breakthrough… Ahh, well, since
we have that squared away and since we have your attention, we have to add that our own F & T division (for people out of the know, that
is The Frog & Toad division) has done extensive research and discovered that frogs
croak “reebbot” when they mean to say “revenge”… ahem, now wasn’t that clever…… HOLY CAMELS OF ABBUKHANA!!! THE FROG IS GOING TO TAKE REVENGE!!! WE HAVE
TO LET THE HERO KNOW ABOUT THIS ASAP!! CALL UP THE AUTHORS IMMEDIATELY!!!” A piece of gum-wrap got stuck to one of my crutches. Darn toddlers, can’t they use the trash cans – this is a Gurdwara for
croaking out aloud. I took the gum-wrap off and noticed some strange words on
it, “DANGER! DO NOT PROCEED! (the F & T division)”. Toddlers
these days! Really! I hopped over
to the trash can and lifted the lid. The bottom of the lid had these letters
in red, “YOU ARE IN CLEAR AND PRESENT DANGER. TURN BACK NOW!!!
(the F & T division again)”. This conspiracy-kid sometimes overdoes it. I wish people
wouldn’t do overdo things. I know people who can write for hours and hours
about frogs and other equally dumb Things. When I got closer to the elevator, my crutches felt
heavier and heavier as though they wanted to go in any direction but the one I was forcing them in. I finally reached the elevator and the conspiracy kid along with the Vaja ToR and the Jori PhaR kid were
standing there looking quite excited. Oh,
brother, here comes another mother of all conspiracies theory! I puffed up my chest, took a deep breath, looked
around (hey I’m starting to get shifty-eyed like the kid) and hopped up to them. “What’s the big idea of meeting here?” I demanded nervously, gulping hard. (This time my sister won’t be here
to save me). The conspiracy kid drew out a very thin book from
under his shirt.
“I have a copy of the Sikhreht Code book,” he said gleefully. My heart skipped a beat again; this
book was the reason why the Ridhi Sidhi girl <psycho music> had attacked me that day. “So what? What’s the big deal with that?" I tried to sound normal (it’s hard with your heart playing teen-taal). Just then another wiry and quite dusty kid showed
up. The Vaja ToR kid introduced me, “This is the newest member
of our jatha - the karTaal killa kid.” (The what? Is it
just me or is this series being hijacked? I mean, all I wanted to do was to sit
down and calmly present my reflections of life, but first vajas start getting wiped out, then the joris start suddenly facing
their creator and now it looks like the innocent karTaals are gonna git it too. Sometimes
I feel like a classical keertania at a gurWAAAAH! smagam). The Jori PhaR kid looked at me, “Hey
dude, you ok?” “Of course, I’m ok,” I almost shouted back. I took a deep breath and tried to make small
talk. “So what’s the deal with
the jatha? How did you guys get together?” The Vaja ToR kid got quite excited, “Oh
dude, there is terrific story behind this. You wanna hear it? Well, me and Jori PhaR had been doing some jamming, right? We decided we wanted to form a raagi jatha
and cut some CDs. We felt we needed a 3rd member in order to make us look and sound really professional (yeah, right – there’s a better chance of So this really cool kid brings his electric guitar and
portable amplifier to audition. Though he didn't know any shabads, he had training potential and auditioned with Stairway
to Heaven. We heard some really sweet sounds. But when the kid stepped out with his guitar 'intact' we pretty much knew it
was a no-go. Then we see this kid in line wearing a brand new blue
cholla. The kid next to this kid had a sarbloh battle axe he’d made in metal shop. It was very cool looking with a huge
curved blade which had no less than five wicked looking curved spikes coming out its tail mounted on a short pole-handle ending
in a curved killing point. The blue cholla kid’s eyes began to gleam upon seeing this. The kid held both hands
out reverently, so the other kid handed it over with a bow. Everybody backed up. The my-mother-just-made-me-this-brand-new-cholla
kid gets into a battle stance, with legs spread, raises the battle axe over the
head and takes a wide arc cut, swiping down the kids right side. The wicked looking spikes neatly pierced the blue cholla,
making 5 surgical cuts in the fabric which the kid quickly shredded while attempting to extract them. Well, we were really interested in this kid, as you
can imagine (no actually
I can’t). But we wanted some independent references before we
could admit this kid into our jatha, so we hooked up with Dan Rather, you know the ex-anchor of CBS News and he dug up some
documents. The one that caught our eye was this kid’s profile. It’s wicked, man!” He pulled it out and showed it me… Name: Singh-out-of-key-at-the-top-of-lungs
kid Nickname: kaRtaal killa
kid Gender: “Boy,"
insists the mother Age: 14,823 kaRtaals
blown away (and counting) Looks: like the kid just got out of a sawdust shower Education: Vocation/Occupation: Reduce kaRtaal to sawdust and metal filings within minutes Status and Money: de hood’s “kaRtaal killa kid" Marital Status: Not attached to any kaRtaal in particular Family, Ethnicity: Akandish Relationships: Sometimes sees other Vajas and Joris Spends a lot of time at: “Rowdy” Smagams Possessions: Heaps of sawdust and metal filings Recreation, Hobbies: Drown out the vaja, jori and all surrounding singing sangat - creating a sound incredibly unique which does
to ears what jack hammers
do to cement sidewalks Obsessions: Sarbloh kaRtaals Beliefs: One broken kaRtaal = lakh sachKhand frequent flyer miles Politics: Voted "Most likely to be banned from a Gurdwara" in kindergarten History: Lawsuit filed for damaging ears permanently; largely responsible for real raagis giving up raag and start driving
cabs Ambitions: Sneak a kaRtaal to SachKhand Religion: karam Dharam pakhand jo deeseh
tin jam jaagaatee lootai || Empty religious efforts will be looted by the messenger of death; but with detached purity, singing the praises of the True Creator, for an even instant, will save
you. Superstitions: kaRtaal khand Fears: World will one day be kaRtaal-less Attitude: Bad! Character Flaws: Character? what's dat? Character Strengths: Strong biceps Pets: Has killed several with voice alone; fish have known to have jumped out of tank after a minute of singing (had
to install suicide prevention net around tank) Taste in Books: “Vajas from Mars, Joris from Venus, kaRtaals
from RockKhand!” Taste in Movies: “Lord of the kaRtaals” Taste in Music: Any off-key keertan Taste in Food: akhand keertan thin bhojan chooraa || kahu naanak jis sathigur pooraa || < 236> The unbroken Kirtan of the True One's Praises is the food
and nourishment for ones who have the Perfect True Guru. Talents: “Many," say those who know. “NONE!!" shout those who don't Secrets that know (almost) no one else
knows: Plays kaRtaals in shower Favorite place to be alone: With waheguru The rest, like they say, is musical history (yeah, that’s
the day the music died). So anyway, we three got together and really clicked
– we just jammed with shabads upon shabads. And then…” he looked at the conspiracy-kid who nodded, “…and
then after 2 vajas, 3 joris and 129 karTaals, we had a vision!” he paused, “In the vision we saw 5 kids reading
the Sikhreth Code book inside this elevator. Normally, I wouldn’t have
paid much attention to it, but all three of us saw the exact same thing and …. Well, the first thing we did was to find
the Sikhreth Code book. And here we are – now we need to go into the elevator
and read the book.” “THAT’s IT?!!!” I stared at him with disbelief, “I had to hop all the way here to READ A BOOK in the elevator??!!! “Listen dudes, I got better things to do!” They all seemed quite disappointed. “Well,” the Jori PhaR kid said, “You don’t have to
come.” Saying
that, they pushed the rusty “Open” button and the elevator door creakily
opened up. There was a tiny little light-bulb on the ceiling of the elevator
that was incredibly still working after all these years. The four uneasily got
into the dusty and spider-webby elevator. They pushed the “Close” button but nothing happened. The conspiracy-kid said to me, “C’mon
dude, the vision had 5 kids in it, so be a sport, eh?” I was wishing I was somewhere else right then – maybe in the keertan darbaar where the Raagi
Singhs had started singing jae so chandhaa ougavehi sooraj
charrehi hajaar || If a hundred moons were to rise, and a thousand suns appeared, eaethae chaanan hodhiaaa gur bin
ghor andhhaar || < 463> even with such light, there would still be pitch darkness without the Guru.
|| I looked around nervously. Just then who do I see but my sister walking up to me. It
was the first time in a long time that I was delighted to see her. She looked
at me suspiciously, then at the kids in elevator. “OK, spill
the beans!” I
spilled ‘em pretty fast. I was expecting her to give a hearty laugh and
ask all of us to get into the keertan hall right NOW before she calls Taya Jee (the self-appointed Gurdwara security guard
and chase-kids-back-to-keertan-hall-er). But she nodded her head and declared
she’s coming too and entered the elevator (has this world gone mad?). The kaRtaal killa kid (who had this point blissfully
hadn’t had the (ahem, ahem) pleasure of meeting my sister) cried out rudely to my sister, “HEY! What makes you think you can come?” My sister pointed to her Khanda of Naam, “This
does!” The
other four (who had had the (ahem, ahem) pleasure of meeting my sister previously) silently showed the kaRtaal killa kid the
“cut-the-throat” sign! This
kid didn’t know what kind of girl my sister was (yet!). The kid gulped
and murmured something about seeing only “kids” (of the 12-something variety)
in the vision. “Vision
Sheemision!” my graduated-at-the-head-of-her-class-and-working-as-the
head-of-her-dept sister retorted by poking the kid in the ribs. I didn’t
look at the time but I think it was precisely at that time that the kaRtaal killa
kid realized just what kind of girl my sister was indeed! The self-appointed new Jathedaar of the elevator
mission asked me,
“You coming or not?”
At this point, I was on the coming side.
I knew she would protect me with her life (and presence of the khanda of Naam helped matters quite a bit). But still I secretly hoped that some adult my sister would have to listen to would show up and tell us
to beat it. I heard heavy footsteps behind me.
Oh goodie, I thought – but it turned out to be the bursting-with-besan–auntie. Oh badie, I thought. Her appearance tipped the scale (pun
intended) - I had definitely had enough of over-eating-aunties that day and before she could see me, I darted into the elevator
(well, as fast as a kid on a crutch can dart). My sister hit the “Close” button and the elevator door slammed shut. I
heard the WHOOSH of the door and the Raagi Singh repeating the Gurbani tukk “gur bin ghor andhhaar”. Judging by the WHOOSH, I estimated the door had slammed shut about 10 times faster then it had opened.
TOTALLY USELESS FACT
(brought to you by the Jedi Nights Series R & D division™ - We turn useless data into useless information™:
The elevator door shut precisely 13.13 times faster than it had opened. The frog <chilling something-bad-is-almost-about-to-happen
music> croaked
“shweet reebbot” and
raising up the wand croaked “reebbot lightOffOus doorBoltOus
soundProofOus kidDieOus reebbot” Inside the elevator, the tiny light went out “pong”
plunging us in to total darkness. We shrieked in terror. Everybody began screaming like girlie-men. I shouted pleading “Oh sweet auntie, save
me! Save me!” The Vaja ToR kid started begging for mercy from
all the Vajas he had destroyed. The Jori PhaR kid began crying in a classical
taal!! The kaRtall killa kid commenced trying to remake kaRtaals from the sawdust
in the kids pockets. The consipiracy-kid shrieked
“They have attacked, they have attacked!”
The only one not crying like a girlie-man was my sister, “Hmmm Interesting… very interesting…” she observed…
To be continued
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