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Christmas Tales,
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Dec1,1999
I can not believe that it is December already....where did this year go? Some can say down the tubes, a rebirth, or really down the toilet.
I am going to try to make this new year the best that it can be, with all that I have in me. My family, my job, me....mentally and physically. Im not too sure if I told you about Isabella, she is my
new ringneck parrot....totally spoiled and as cute as a bird can get.
I have to keep her up in my room, she kinda thinks that she is better then the canaries, lovebirds and parakeets....and still waiting on some mating action, Will keep you updated. I will try and stay faithful to my diet and my journal everyday and sorry Nov was such a bummer....talk to you all tomorrow
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Dec2,1999
Another day, feeling somewhat more happy, especially when I wake up...
its in the late afternoon and early evening when I get either drowsey or depressed, sometimes I cant even tell the difference. I hate the waiting time, the weeks that go by for the meds finally kick in, or maybe not. Its all the days that I feel that are wasted because of this...who knows when its the last? I know, quite the drama today.....
tomorrow will be different.
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Dec3,1999
Its Friday, and even my morning up is down if you know what I mean, I was feeling pretty ok in the morning, today....? Feel like just laying down and not getting back up. Wonderful, huh? Eating fruit today, maybe it will give me a boost. Did you all hear about that new
diet drug with the side effects of oily gas discharge????? Does that not sound lovely? It says that it stops you from digesting fat that you eat, so where does it go? I mean who makes this crap up? See you all tomorrow
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Dec4,1999
Terrible day so far, have the lowest energy level that you can imagine. I couldnt even get out of bed til 3pm when I had to, Im on pager tonight and we have an emergency. Its going to be a very long night....I just dont understand this up and down levels, the anxiety running amok, and deep depression to feeling pretty okay. I think, well maybe its cause its xmas and I hate the pressure, maybe its my job and the stress that it causes no matter how much I love it. Trying to get things on the homefront back to normal, trying to even find the motivation to exercise. The meds? Me? Have I really screwed my body with my crazy diets and meds and self hatred? This just sucks friends.....see ya all tomorrow
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Dec6,1999
Monday, raining, enough said. The weekend was horrible, today is horrible and I know there is a cave with my name on it so I can go
hang in there for awhile. I am ready to pop, sounds like a beautiful sight. Man friends, I feel like Im going to go postal real soon. I hate dieting! I hate cleaning, cooking, and lately people.....well people that have nothing better to do then call me up and blame me all for what is wrong with their life....(meaning, they cant get online) well back to the phones. Talk to you all tomorrow
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Dec7,1999
Still havent exploded yet, thank god...that would of been rather ugly.
Thursday I go back to the dr and I hope that she will have some postitive things to say....cause I dont. Trying to watch the chocolate intake and eating right. Exercise...hmmm, another story.
See ya all tomorrow
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Dec8,1999
Its just not going right, nothing....all sorts of problems at work,home with my head. Tomorrow is dr day and not even sure that is going to help. Nervous breakdown, theres a thought..I have never had this much stress in my life and still I hold it together. I amaze myself all the time....Im just so afraid of the need for comfort....
food. The enemy. The writing isnt helping that much anymore, I feel like I have become so damn monotone, boring, dull....Maybe you all have stop reading. Talk to you all tomorrow
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Dec9,1999
Well of course my doctor wasnt in, they had made calls to reschedule,all but me. For some stupid reason I wasnt put in the puter as a patient,(have I told you all how much I hate puters) Soooo,
another four days til I get to see her again. It could not be the worse time for this to happen. I am at the low and high, my anxiety is way out of control and almost to the point of losing it...
Though some good news, I actually did great with my eating yesterday!
Well to me thats a little comfort. I still have it in me....Thanks friends for sticking with me. I love you all, especially my friend down in Texas. You know who you are and you have been one of the best friends I ever had...Love ya Janet.
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Dec10,1999
Still doing good with the eating, quite a surprise for me at this very rough time. The kids have been pretty upset as well, they are going to spend Christmas on the island with their dad, and they kinda wanted to stay home, but they also wanted to go...tough choice for them to make, but I let them make it on their own and they chose LI.
It ok, and I understand....Just going to be a hard day. I really hate this time as it is. I dont like much do I this mo??? At least its Friday and I get my sat to crash. Looking forward to that. I am going to be ok, I know I will if I can only get through the last days here til the meds kick in, or something happens. Talk to you all tomorrow.
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Dec11,1999
Just like my grandmother that I lost without saying goodbye to, I lost my last surviving one this afternoon in Brooklyn at 3:45pm. I have been trying to call her for two days, my dad told me that she was sick and I was worried. Last night when she still didnt answer the phone I insisted to the guard that they knock on her door....I called back, still no answer. I called the guard again and told him I dont care what he has to do, break down the damn door, there is something wrong....they got in and when I called back she was unconcious, low blood pressure and had ammonia...the emt on the phone told me that they were taking her to the hospital and I called there in a few hrs....it didnt look good, but she was hanging on. I was afraid to drive to Brooklyn alone, the area is bad, my car isnt in the best of shape...and the drs then said she was stable. She did have a heartattack but still she was stable. I made plans to be there tomorrow....to hold her hand, let her know that I was there. Again, I was too late, no goodbyes, no "I love you Grandma". I asked the dr if she was coherent, would she have known, the dr said no, but I think that she would have known. Nobody can get to the funeral Monday. Me, and Lori is trying to get a flight down there. Thats it....My mom and dad cant make it and my bro is out of town. My dad asked me please to go....and Im like what's the sense, shes dead....she wont know that I am there, that I loved her, that if I didnt keep calling they would of found her in the room dead for god knows how long. I gave her a chance....I have to think of it that way. Hilda, I love you grandma....rest in peace sweet angel.
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Dec14,1999
We buried my grandma yesterday, me, Lori and Frank...I can console myself that I did what I could, she died in peace and comfort instead of a cold lonely apt room in pain and scared. She lived the way that she wanted, independent and in the city where she was comfortable and loved. She lived a long life and I will always have in my heart that she knew all the great grandchildren and that we, I loved her. Her name was Hilda, and yeah she had her ways, she was stubborn and had a good sense of humor, she was always cold, even in the summer (we used to tease her so much :-) she always remembered our bdays, and my dog's name...pretty cool I thought
Well as far as me and the dr's, I went today and she felt that since my meds were not working that well that I need to see a shrink now..
not what I wanted to hear at all. I have a medical condition and she acknowledged that...though a shrink knows more about the meds and maybe I can be treated correctly. Im not that confident and and almost burst out crying...time to grow up. Maybe this will help, who knows. Just depressed and tired of it. I have to try something. I am still doing great with the eating, and I plan on staying that way, thats all I need, is to gain a bunch of weight. Will definately want to jump off the bridge. Back to work. Talk to you all tomorrow.
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Dec15,1999
Still missing grandma here, suppose its going to take some time and still having such a hard time dealing with the fact that I have to see another dr. I know its for the best, and they are specialized in this kinda chemical inbalances....but damn, the stigma behind it. Then again, I need one and always have, guess I had to be forced into it to realize it. I can not get into Christmas and cant wait til its over...a real scrooge this year I guess, but no spirit here. Talk to you all tomorrow.....
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Dec16,1999
Hanging in there...feeling somewhat better today and still determined not to let food beat me. My head, thats a different story.....but I will get through this. Just got to keep telling myself that. talk to you all later
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Dec17,1999
Feeling alot better today, could it be that the meds are working??? Im still going to the dr, and wont stop til Im totally better. Though I feel good. I got a raise and I was told that Im doing a great job..how? Just biting my tongue alot I suppose...I should just pierce it :-). Im going to go do some shopping tomorrow and try to get into some kind of Christmas cheer....just wanted to say Im ok!
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Dec18,1999
Well nixing the shopping today, Im on call at work, my dad called me from Brooklyn and I have to be there first thing in the morning to
get alot of things that have been left for me...Grandma knew I loved her jewelry, she had tons of the real old fashioned costume kind, and actually left me 5 big boxes of it...pictures of me and her when I was a baby, got to put them on the website....and money. Though that really doesnt count. That jewelry is worth more to me then any money...but I will get my house, so Grandma, you always told me that you wanted me to have a house...and I love you so much. Hope that somehow you can hear me....and know that I loved you with all my heart
(even though you gave me a hard time when I told you to get a boyfriend:-). I need the humor here, its keeping me together, away from the food and I need that. I will write some grandma stories on my rose page and I hope that you all read them....they are pretty funny. Thats the way to remember them, our loved ones. With the memories that made us smile and laugh...not the memories of them growing old and getting more and more sickly. With that, I hope you all have a great day and call your grandma if you are fortunate enough to still have one with you.....talk to you tomorrow.
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Dec20,1999
Back to work, back from Brooklyn...I had to take so much back with me,
called Lori and Frank and see what they want, get that all together and send it to them. So close to Christmas and I dont even have a tree, mailed cards...just cant get into it. Anyway, my friend Jeannie always makes me smile. She lost her dear friend who was a hair dresser, and she told me that he is fixing Grandma's hair :-). Love ya girlfriend. Guess I better answer some calls. Talk to you all tomorrow.
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Dec21,1999
Today is very stressed. I have done nothing about christmas except mail my parents and neice and nephews presents. Im baking for everyone here at work and the kids I will probably shop on Christmas Eve for them, they wont be back home til after Christmas so its okay with that. Im still feeling up and down and still fighting the food cravings, why does it have to be so damn hard? Why is that the only escape sometimes? Its like the hatred for food, and the need to eat to live...but not to eat too much. Why does it feel good when U eat it, then afterwards you want to kill yourself? I am really counting
on the dr here, but mostly me. Thats all in life you really have to count on...its yourself. Talk to you all tomorrow
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Dec22,1999
Not too sure that today is going to go so well, already stressed, depressed and have no idea where my head is going, seems like all different directions....I cant even explain it, maybe some of that go through depression and anxiety can understand. The food, Im hanging in,....but Im afraid its going to beat me. I really have to fight hard now. The problem is, I just have to get the battle ready and put all I have in me to win. I can do this. Back to work now, maybe I will write some more later....
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Dec23,1999
Today is the worse day ever. I dont know how to even start. I made
11 plates of cookies for all my friends here at work, and since I screwed up as a mom with the kids, they were all destroyed. Rich came in and threw them all over the floor. He has left, and since he always reads this I have to let u all know that this is totally my fault. I dont care about the kids, my house, or him. The cookies were more important to me. The kids will be with their dad on LI and I will be by myself....its ok, Im sure there are good movies on, cleaning to do, catch up on work, anything but think about being alone on Christmas. Its just a day...right? talk to u all later
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Dec24,1999
Merry Christmas Eve all, sitting here at work and doing all I can not to cry....everyone has plans tonight and tomorrow. Family, husbands, wives, kids the way that it should be. Rich called last night, and I guess I have to go by the fact that I have no right making cookies with my kids when they should be cleaning....I do not care about my house or my belongings and basically Im going to burn in hell and Im a shitty mother...they do chores everyday, sometimes they do good and sometimes they dont...but hey they are kids, they all mess up time from time, just like us grown ups. Its really hard not to cry friends, (cant have that Tammy Baker look). Hope you all have a great holiday, please stay safe on the roads....and call your grandma. Talk to you all tomorrow.
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Dec25,1999
Merry Christmas,hope you all had a great day. I took the kids out to dinner and their dad came from LI and brought them a bunch of gifts....Im glad that they got what they wanted, from me and their dad. It was so sad and strange not to have Rich here with me, opening gifts, having champagne....like life has stopped. I really have to get better, my head is wigging. I need to get the dr to put me on the right meds, cause these are just not working. Rich says I shut down all the time, of course I do....I always had that "gift" and I was able to survive. I need to do it now as well. Though one day I hope that I wont have too...and that I can face life head on and not just go to sleep or eat. I want to be normal. What a strange request....
do we even know what normal is supposed to be? Not this, I can tell you that. I will talk to you all tomorrow. Happy Holidays :-)
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Dec26,1999
I am so glad that Christmas is past....maybe Im a scrooge, but this was the worse. It was nice for the kids and thats all that matters...
but every year it just gets more and more to be a stressful, depressive not to mention expensive time of the year. So now to get through the New Year, and hope that all goes well on New Years Eve, and really praying I dont have to work that night.....I have lost some weight,:-) I bought some new dresses today, meduims and they were loose....didnt get on the scale, but like I always say its how the clothes fit. Wasnt even trying really, but I guess the depression and stress just took away hunger. Though I am spending way too much money. My new addiction....shopping spree's. Can I ever just not need anything to get through the day???? Well, new clothes are better then chocolate and I should just shut up and stop complaining. Talk to you all tomorrow....
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Dec27,1999
Back to work....kinda slow which is nice, was not really in the mood to have major problems. I still feel so lost with whats happening at home and my relationship. Need to get to the dr, and hopefully the kids too. They could benefit from it as well as I. Nothing planned for New Years, kinda thinking Im gonna stay put in the house and lock it all up. Im sure there are all kinds of nuts gonna be out. Doing well with the eating, so dont even have to make that my New Years resoultion.....maybe just to heal myself, forgive who have hurt and
make peace with the past. I think thats a good way to begin 2000.
Talk to you all tomorrow.
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Dec28,1999
Only Tues, I know this week is going to drag...Im doing good with the eating again, keeping it under control, and trying real hard to believe in myself, that I will get through this all. The need to be your own best friend is so very important, though so difficult to do at times. It's like Im my own worse enemy, not the past, the ghosts, Rich, me....talk to u all tomorrow.
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Dec29,1999
Still very depressed, getting worse it seems...Im nervous about the money that was left for me and doing the right thing, cd's, mutual funds, etc..its scaring the hell out of me to be perfectly frank.
I actually cried all the way to work this morning, don't know why, just feel alone, scared and can I say stupid? Im 38, and have no idea about money and what to do with it. Thankfully my friend works in the bank and she has helped, and the guy downstairs in my building is a finacial broker.....so take it from there. I just hate this sinking to the bottom feeling. Maybe it will be better tomorow. Talk to you then.....
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Dec30,1999
Its still early in the morning, I am at work and Im just so pissed about something that I had to get it down on paper...we all get spammed, and its annoying....but this morning I get one titled
"call your grandma and get cash"......kinda thought it was a nasty person that was sadistic. Though when I opened it, it was just spam from a collect phone company. Please, stop spamming....its a pain, and if we wanted your damn service we would search for it ourselves...
okay....I got that out. Today is bank day, and Im praying that I have chosen all the right options for now..I think I have. Depression still getting bad, why???? I just cant understand, Im taking my meds,
doing what Im supposed to, why arent they working?????? Its so damn frustrating and Im sorry for ranting and carrying on about it. I also ate micky dees last nite....I know, I hate myself. Talk to you all tomorrow
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Dec31,1999
Well made it through bank day, and I think I did okay. I'm not as nervous about it as I was, and I feel I made the right choices for now. Here at work til 5 and watching the time zones turn to the year 2000. No problems so far, and I dont expect any here...It still seems so weird, the year 2000. I wish grandma was here to see it, all the events that she has lived through...though grandma usually only focused on my grandfather who divorced her like over 40 years ago :-).
I used to tell her, "Grandma, its time to let it go....get yourself a boyfriend" Thats when she used to yell at me...anyway, trying to be a little more lighthearted, cause inside Im falling to pieces....it just keeps getting worse. I might be late with my new page, but I will be back...time to get serious about getting off my butt, physically and mentally. So my friends, Have a very Happy and Safe New Years....goodbye 1999.
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