 Changes For The New Year, 
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| Jan2,2000 Well Im back, had some trouble trying to get into it and get the page up and get over the holidays, which have been the worse I probably ever had. I'm just glad that it's over. Changes....a whole lot of them I'm working on. It's so much better then resouloutions that always get broken. First it's getting my head together, get on the right meds and go for the counseling that I have fought against so many times....(lets face it, Im screwed as they come) second, the children, family counseling for all three of us....we need it, they need it and I need it. Third...stay on this %^&*&^%% diet....yeah, it pisses me off a tad, but I need to get back to it, back to exercising everyday, I worked too damn hard these past two years. So back to work tomorrow and back to facing life head on....hope you all will join me, and Happy New Years my friends. | |||||
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| Jan3,2000 Busy day today, calls and customers....though I like it that way, makes the day go by so much faster. Okay, I started slimfast, had one for breakfast and I know I hate the fad diets and all that, but I have to say that it filled me up, has tons of vitamins in it..and I actually feel quite peppy which I need so bad. Tomorrow I go to the dr, well actually its a previsit, I cant see the shrink til next month. Talk about the guinea pig treatment. So, I suppose I will have to stay on my same meds til next month, unless I can convince them that I need to be seen sooner....It just makes me so angry, its 2000 and they still cant figure out chemical inbalances, depression, anxiety. They have causes, they have theorys, but the treatment.... well we will try these for a few months and if that doesnt work then we will try this one and so on...til you are finally total nuts. Just venting. So, Im going try this slimfast thing and keep you updated with that, see if I can get motivated to get off my ass....and get down to where I want to be....talk to you all tomorrow after I see previsit shrink...Is it this town????? Pennsylvania????? The water? | |||||
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| Jan4,2000 My pre visit shrink went well,and the real shrink visit will be on Jan31....so not too much longer. The preshrink seems to think that they have alot better and newer meds out there to help, and I will get the couseling as well....so I think that I made the right choice, its just the pre visit crap, but up here thats how they work it. The payments are low enough, 60 dollars a month no matter how many times I have to go, so thats a relief. I have to shell out the money first then submit to the insurance, which we all know that in most cases, it gets denied...whats the sense? I can afford the 60, so thats all that counts. I feel positive that life will get better, and the dark days will be behind me once and for all. I did my two slimfasts today,am proud...and Im not even hungry now. I dont think its bad, it has lots of vitamins, makes me feel good and my tooth is hurting so bad that I couldnt eat a double greasy cheeseburger even if I wanted to....work is going well, little strange occurances with our master puters at times, but on the whole we are busy and keep growing all the time. I know that if you use netscape to view this page, u cant see it...I dont know why, and Im trying to correct it. So IE is all that can be used. Now why did Bill Gates get sued with netscape behind it all, and their browser is a piece of crap lately???????? Does that make sense? Well dont want to start my ranting...so have a good night all and talk to you tomorrow...... | |||||
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| Jan5,2000 Still doing great with the diet :-). Still doing the slimfast, and I have to say I feel great. More energy, and maybe even a higher mood level. Maybe its just because Im making myself feel better. I miss Rich alot, and we talk but it doesnt look like any kind of getting back together at all, now I suppose that I just have to face it head on and deal with it. I made so many mistakes, and caused so much damage....I cant blame him for not forgiving me. I just wish he could, I guess. Talk to you all tomorrow | |||||
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| Jan6,2000 On a roll with my diet, I did have some soup instead of another slimfast, it was cold and it was just real nice to have a bowl. It was cream of broccoli though.....fattening. I only had half a bowl, so Im doing good. As far as my mood, kinda down, the week has drained me....everytime I see a big rig on the road my eyes fill up with tears and I think about all the road trips Rich and I made together. Though I brought in on myself and I need to accept it. Is it okay to want it all back? Even though it was so hard this past year and a half, could it go back to before that and we were happy? No....I know in my heart that it cant. How do I get past this? I just have to. Talk to you all tomorrow. | |||||
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| Jan10,2000 Im back after a long weekend, a weekend of many tears and trying to hold on with all I got. Sometimes I feel like Im not going to make it, and Im going to fall apart. That I will end up in the hospital. I have asked Rich to come back, give it another try...but he wont, wont ever feel the same for me and basically in simple English language Im a piece of garbage that has done nothing but destroy him. I saw him Friday, he needed to get things from the house, it was so hard and coming home I found the wedding bands and my garter. The kids were screaming and yelling, I just had to get out for a little while.... well of course he called found out that I went out, so ITS OVER. IM A PIECE OF GARBAGE! Either I went out, or I would have lost it...but that doesnt matter....does it? That my bands, my garter, just left for me...that says its over, doesnt it? I just really have no more words, alot of tears, though they do no good....Just got to keep holding on to me and the kids. Talk to you all tomorrow | |||||
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| Jan11,2000 A day from hell.....everything that could of went wrong did. The stressed out hair look was on us all. You really just got to love the internet and people that think you do nothing but destroy their lives....tech support, customer service, a job that you need patience and maybe a bottle of scotch. Only kidding, way too fattening. Im feeling better today, and I have strength inside, maybe its just a half ounce but its there. Amazing how I find it on the lowest times and moods. I need to try and find more time for me, I havent done anything that I have been needing to do. The job is stressful, U do want to come home and just crash, shut off the mind. Though I have the kids to tend too, and the birds (by the way a lovebird nursery is going on!!!!! This time its for real. Lucy has 4 eggs, and Ricki has one. The Dean Martin music and mood lights did the trick:-) but back to all the things you need to do when u get home, where and when do U find the time??? 5 months of working full time and Im still lost on how to keep up with the house, the kids homework, the job that sometimes I have to bring home, and everything else. Maybe it was nicer being a full time mom and housewife, boring to me since everyone was gone, but maybe just nice. I think I kinda miss it. I love my job, though I love what I used to have too and you never think about that til you lose it. Talk to you tomorrow | |||||
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| Jan13,2000 Didnt get a chance to post yesterday, it was such a bad day, I got screamed at all day....and finally I guess my last call that I got, I just burst out crying. I felt like such an idiot. There is just so much you can take from these people. I try and be best that I can be, do the best job and still I get the screaming, I guess its part of the job. Im doing ok still on my diet. Im still doing slimfast though I have been doing at least one meal a day. It seems like Im not budging at all.....and at this point, I dont care. I will just keep going. Rich, he says that he will be my friend and thats all....he wants me to get better, and he will help on the phone. The problem is, I always feel worse....like Im a total fkup. I just need this feeling to go away...Talk to you all tomorrow. | |||||
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| Jan17,2000 I am really not doing that good with my journal and writing, this weekend I just sank so deep into depression, no energy, no motivation..I just wanted to sleep all day. Now back to work Im so busy I have no time to think....which maybe in a way is a blessing. I have no time to be depressed. Still doing my slimfast, and trying to motivate to exercise...why, does it have to be so hard? I know once I exercise again, my mood level may come back up, my energy and I can feel good about me again. I have so long yet to go to the dr, and Im trying to hold on with all I got...again, as crazy as this job is, it saves me some. Talk to you all tomorrow | |||||
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Jan18,2000
Well friends, trying to do better here. Im steady with the slimfast and I am feeling more energy. Sometimes I think its just work, and being so busy and all that there is no time to think. The weekends is what kills me. I just have to keep on holding on and know in my heart that when I see the dr I will get better. This wont last. This morning, I looked in the mirror and I hated what I saw....something that I hate so much, that feeling....maybe some of you know what I mean, and others don't. Some may think I like to torture myself, so not true...I want to love me. Its just such a long hard road, one that I feel I have been on forever. Though when I see all of you that keep on hanging in there with me, it warms me and I love you all so much. This was sent to me by Janet, my really great friend and I think it would be neat to share it all with you
The past exisits only in memory, consequences, effects. It has power over me only as I give it my power. I can let go, release it, move freely. I am not my past. -- anonymous now only if I can keep that in my heart....talk to you all tomorrow | |||||
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| Jan19,2000 Okay, Im doing great with slimfast....It really is good! I have one for breafast and I guess the vitamins in it kick in, I feel full and hey its chocolate :-). Im also doing one for dinner and trying to just eat lunch, though I have not been that hungry lately and embarrassed to say I have been skipping it. I know...this is not the way to go, and I don't recomend it to anyone, but it is working for me. I feel no hunger at all. I know that it is a symptom of depression, and I rather it be not hungry then stuffing my face all the time. I also have to say that today was a good day. I felt good this morning, and all day....of course now I'm beat, but still feeling ok. Maybe it's just the day, but I will gladly take it. Other then that, still trying to finish my living room up...painting job. The toilet is loose...and various other household items that I just can't seem to figure out how to fix. Like putting back a doorknob???? I'm a priss....when they went to self serve at the gas station I had a hissy fit. :-). Then again, I got them nails too. See you all tomorrow | |||||
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| Jan21,2000 Still on a roll with the slimfast...It seems just to be getting easier and easier. I'm not hungry,and really dont feel that bad. I was on a low yesterday, so that one day of feeling good was just that. One day. 10 more days til the dr, its really taking forever. We had snow yesterday and now back in the single digits. I broke my windshield wiper arm trying to get the ice out of it..the toilet is still loose, this and that needs to be fixed, repainted, repaired.. Reasons to get up in the morning..... talk to you all later | |||||
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| Jan24,2000 Back from my usual weekend of crash, burn and pass out...One of these days I will get to enjoy Sat and Sun again instead of using them just as sleeping days....One week from today is finally dr day, Im doing good on the slimfast, and I feel better. Well, trying to anyway.I'm going to be a postitive thinker....(yeah right, who is she kidding???) Well, trying anyway. Work sucked with a capital S today, we went down this morning and I'm telling you some people are so damn nasty. I can understand being frustrated when you can not access the internet, but to get to the point that you need to call and curse and rant and raise your blood pressure cause you have to wait five minutes???? It really isnt healthy. Then again I was probably one of those myself :-) See ya all tomorrow | |||||
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| Jan26,2000 I must of been the only one not aware of the blizzard yesterday...I didnt turn on the news that morning and left for work like any normal day, stopped at the gas station to get my coffee, and the cashier is saying are you ready for the foot of the snow? Im amazed and saying what are you talking about???? The schools are closed, I got to call Annie and Keith and let them know, I went in and it started snowing... Of course Im paranoid by now, and wound up staying til 12 noon, when it slowed down...what a ride. I really am starting to hate winter. Anyway, Im here now, the roads are still a mess, but there are many maniacs that need to be helped (I rather tell them to put the puter back in the box and donate it to charity) I'm still on the damn slimfast, can you tell I'm getting sick of it??? Though yesterday I had icecream (death by chocolate) It was a bad choice, but I needed the ummmmm, comfort. Yeah, thats a good word. Talk to you all later. The phones are going start ringing. | |||||
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| Jan27,2000 Not having a great day today. I called the hotline that the dr told me to use in case I needed to talk to me, and it was just an answering service...not much to tell. I got the pre shrink lady when they opened up and they could not fit me in for a visit, so if I needed help I should go to the hospital.....like what are Annie and Keith supposed to do? I feel like I will never make it to Monday, and we are expecting snow as well. What if my appt gets postponed? I guess I just have to keep hanging in, if only I didnt feel like such a piece of crap....useless and every other negative emotion that you can feel about yourself. I dont know why, and I dont know how to stop it.... | |||||
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| Jan28,2000 Well made it through the day and night, it was hard but I find that sleep is a great escape. To be perfectly honest its the only hideaway I have, at least it isnt food or other bad habits (as I have two chocolate bars in my desk) Sometimes on the weekends I take sleeping pills just so I can sleep all day when the kids are out, no thinking, no worrying, just deep sleep. I can't do that too much anymore, what good is it going to do? I really need to face life and all that is going on, my kids, my job, and the reality that I will be alone for good. Thats the tough one. Talk to you all tomorrow | |||||
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| Jan31,2000 Dr day, Im on a new med that I suppose I will start tonight. Its called effexor I think (you know dr's handwriting) She said it would be perfect for me that I have both anxiety and depression. Its just the waiting again...wish me luck with this one. She also said that my depression and anxiety is definately medical plus deepened problems due to the home life situiation. I just hope this will stop me from hating myself, and be able to deal with the kids better.....It has been some month. I will try and get the new page up for Feb asap. This time I will get it to work on Netscape and IE. Have a great day and talk to you all soon. | |||||
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