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Sadness&Sunshine,
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Feb1,2000
Well I made it, my new page that is....and I know you can see this
one on either Netscape or IE, still cant figure out what happened with January. I named this sadness and sunshine cause I feel that there will be rays of sunshine coming through the sadness I have inside of me. I feel better already, maybe its a postitive outlook that the dr I have will really help me. She said that she will, actually she promised....I still have to do some of the work as well,
but maybe this will make it easier. I bought the cappicino slimfast (its great!) Im going do this friends, get better physically and mentally. So....here comes the sun. See you all tomorrow.
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Feb2,2000
My tooth is killing me and I get an appt tomorrow night with the dentist, there go the rest of my teeth :-(. I have to say they lasted a long time with the peridontal diease, but just the thought of dentures is really killing me, maybe Im just too vain and should try and look on the bright side, my teeth wont hurt anymore and I will have gorgeous white teeth....fake, but gorgeous. Well thinking postitive. Im still feeling okay and I have a feeling this is going to work, the new meds and the new dr, and as for my teeth....well it is the style up here :-) (toothless) see ya all tomorrow
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Feb4,2000
I didnt get a chance to post yesterday, I didnt get to the dentist cause of course the puter said that I wasnt insured. You know I really hate these things....so hopefully it can get all straightened
out today and I can get to the dentist. I am in alot of pain and just want to get the damn thing fixed. At least it has made me not be able to eat, a plus I guess. Im still doing the slimfast and getting more energy. The new meds seem ok and I dont feel any of the side effects that they may cause. Im still feeling hopeful that it will help.
Talk to you all tomorrow
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Feb7,2000
Im back, didnt even touch the puter all weekend, I guess you can say that I slept the weekend away. I know pathethic but it helps. I am feeling slightly better and even though all the horror stories that I have read about my meds, I have to say that I dont have any bad side effects at all and Im also feeling quite calm. Im finally going to the dentist Wens, and I hope my tooth stays in that long. I have Krazy glued it, used acrylic, LOL @ me...it keeps it there. Im sure the dentist is gonna get a laugh at me. Havent heard from Rich all weekend, I suppose that he is done with me. Talk to you all tomorrow.
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Feb10,2000
Well, I got my tooth pulled and got a fake one built, pretty cool...
It looks so real, I wanted to go ahead with the dentures but of course there is some screw up with the insurance (what else is new?)
So til thats all figured out I will just have to hang out and hope the fake tooth lasts okay. I still have a problem eating and all, Im afraid that the tooth will come out so still drinking the slimfast.
Im really dying for some food. Im feeling alot better emotionally and it feels great to start feeling better. Whats around the corner? Who knows but at least I feel hope again...:-)
tallk to you all tomorrow.
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Feb11,2000
TGIF, tooth still holding in. What a thing to be excited about huh?
I really didnt want to look like the others up here ya know?? I did eat alittle last night and it felt good to eat food again. Im still doing the slimfast and I like it, just dont seem to be losing at all.
Maybe its because I need to get off my fat butt perhaps????? Any motivation out there? Talk to you all later.....
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Feb14,2000
Happy Valentines Day all, mine isnt going so well so far. The kids are really being bad, lied to me about the movies that I let them go see, and Keith is telling me that he wants to go live with his dad.
So here I am again, just a terrible mom, wife (Rich is divorcing me)
and person. I mean the pills are trying to work and I am trying to deal with life the best that I can, but how much???? I start feeling better and everything falls around me. I used to feel that work was a haven, but that is starting to get to me. They sent me out Fri to fix a puter, the lady gives me wrong directions, Im so lost it isnt funny and then I get caught in a ditch where some tow truck guy that looked like he came out of Deliverance to tow me out and then rip off the inner wheel fender cause it was a little bent and charge me 20 dollars. Go to the house, get locked up in their little room so they can eat dinner and dessert only to find out after 2 hrs that its their phone lines. No tip, no sorry that she gave me bad directions, that I stuck in a ditch....gotta love it. Talk to you all later
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Feb15,2000
Made it through the dreaded Vday holiday, I cant even talk to my kids I am so mad at them...they really did all they could to mess it up for me. I know they are kids and kids do dumb things, but Andrea is 14 already, and Keith they should really know better. Soooooo, the lady that lives in the woods is still insisting that we need to go back to her house and fix her puter, though she even hooked up another, newer, better puter to her lines and hey! guess what???? It still wont work, could it be.....her lines??????? No, said she and he
that live in the woods, it is us. Im not going back there, they may want me for dinner.:-) See ya all tomorrow.
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Feb16,2000
I don't what really to post today, I'm feeling so sad. I saw Rich last night, he stopped by to see if I wanted to take a ride with him for a near by drop. I did, and it was just really heart tearing. To try and accept that my life will be without him is so very hard and not even a reality that I can deal with. The kids, the job, the finances, me and trying to get better I feel like all the walls are coming down. I am trying not to get back into that habit of "I deserve it" though it keeps entering my mind no matter how hard I try.
What do you do? How to you cope and try and live like a normal person when inside you are so damn screwed up? Tomorrow I go to therapy and maybe that will give me the answers that I need. My parents say go to church, everything will be ok if I do that, my sister says just move on, you will be ok, as my brother...I just dont know how.
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Feb17,2000
Im working hard on feeling better today, got the dr session in a little while and I hope that I can get out my feelings and thoughts and make sense. Im hoping that they can make me understand myself and why I feel like I do 90% percent of the time. Rich is coming tomorrow to do the taxes and then we have to go to the bankrupcty court and get that all settled, after that I know he is going to pick up some of his things and leave...why cant this be easier? It just hurts,
all the dreams, all the plans, all destroyed by me. I know that some of you keep asking me why? Why do I put all the blame on me? Cause its just that way with me, a conditioned state that I always accepted the blame for all that goes wrong, thats the hump I need to get over.
Talk to you all later, let you know how the shrink session went.
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Feb20,2000
Im back, at least its Sunday this time. I am actually out of bed and dressed ready to go food shopping....I know thrilling, but it is a good step for me. We didnt make it to the court, Rich got stuck in the snow and blew out a tire, so we had to reschedule. We did our taxes and he grabbed some things and left, and I am so empty, so full of pain and can not see tomorrow that well. I did have my session with the dr and she thinks I will be ok, that I am strong, determined to get better and it will be ok. I suppose that I will have to take her word for it...she has heard it all. I have to take baby steps and just not be impatient to get the results that I want. The meds are ok, I guess they are working cause I do smile and laugh at times, I do feel hope at times and somewhere deep inside I know all will be ok.It just takes time sailing the seas....Back to the damn slim fast, my fake tooth is a tad loose and I have to come up with a few thousand to get the dentures, since the damn &*^%^&* insurance co wants me to wait 2 more years before they will cover it. Well, I could let them go and blend better up here! A good positive thought of the day.....see ya all tomorrow.
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Feb21,2000
Back to work, I already feel like it should be Friday, I am so tired and out of it mentally...My puter keeps crashing, customers are more irratating then ever, if that could be possible. I know not in the best of moods today, almost like Im having a mental meltdown. If I don't feel better by tomorrow maybe I will give the dr a call. It would be so dissapointing to find out the meds arent working, or I finally gone nuts. Geez, I just reread what I wrote, good time to sign off. See ya all tomorrow.
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Feb22,2000
Okay, my moment of patheticness (sic???) has passed. I am much better today, and I actually think maybe Im just coming down with a cold.
Or there is good ole pms....or that I kinda went a little nuts with the buzzer doing Keiths hair, and well he is a milimeter above bald. I know, he will need therapy cause of this, but I must say that he is very cool about the whole ordeal. Then there is the maybe wasp nest inside the house, and um well you know, these people that call me all day here at work. Did I tell you the one that had the mouse upside down???? Enough said. I am going tanning tonight too :-). Talk to you all tomorrow.
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Feb23,2000
I am sick, we all are at work and its a joy. Taking the Tynelol cold
meds and wearing coats in the office cause we all have the chills...
Though dedicated as we are, answering those support calls I have to say we are a pretty cool team. I am also still feeling great, emotionally that is, like I feel HAPPY. I feel that I have a direction and I am headed on that one way road. The other day I caught this author speaking and Im not sure what her name is, or what she is all about though her words really struck me. She said, listen to yourself, you know what you want, and then shut up and do it! I LOVE it. So friends, I am going to shut up and do it. Meaning possibly stopping my whining and all that pathetic crap. Maybe its the meds, maybe its the lady's words, maybe its that 20 minutes in the tanning bed that felt like heaven....who knows? I just know that I am going to be ok. I am a survivor and I am also very bullheaded when I want something, so my goals....to get back to exercise (uck)
but I know that it needs to be done and it will make me feel better.
Get rid of the ghosts and banish them forever, get these kiddies in line, and of course be that happy, no hang ups, loving, honest woman that I can be. Let it be written, let it be done. (I just love that line). What a change in a few days huh? It must be the Loreal...cause Im worth it. Talk to you all tomorrow.
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Feb24,2000
Well my cold isnt bothering me that much today and I feel better then yesterday, also still feeling great, I am very convinced that these meds are working excellent. Still working on getting to my goal. Trying to do more projects in the house, maybe even thinking of buying it...Its really not what I want, I rather be in a newer bigger house, but its home for now and I like the way that it looks...well hate the closets, or lack of no space. The road is clear and what I want I will get. A better way to think. So have a great day friends and talk to you all tomorrow.
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Feb28,2000
Remember I was saying that I may buy that house????? WELL FORGET IT. Today I was flooded again for the second time, 225 dollars to get someone to drain it, and damnit the landlord is paying for it. I know he is gonna give me a problem, but thats tough. This is not coming out of my pocket. It just makes me wanna buy a house more then ever.
Though friends, I will overcome this. Its just a flood.....could be worse. Still feeling pretty good, I got a dr appt and my theraphy all in one week, so Im lookimg forward everyday to getting better and
stronger.Work is kinda boring today, all is working well I guess and we havent had any upside mouse problems....talk to u all tomorrow
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Feb29,2000
Had my basement pumped, only for it to fill up a few hrs later, seems
like I need a sump pump put in, and I dont know if the landlord will do that. I also heard that my landlord might have sold the place under us. Soooo, I may have to move. I dont know what is really going on. Im not ready to buy a house yet, dont want to rent again....and basically I feel so damn deserted. Though I need to remember that I have been in worse situations, got myself out of it and will again.
I really got to stop eating chocolate as well :-). See ya all tomorrow.
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