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March 1,2000
Just got back from the dr, and she thinks Im doing great! We are in the same dosage for now and with some exercise she thinks I will be
100 percent. I think so too..even though the basement is still leaking, my car is caked with mud, the toilet is leaking, walls are coming apart...hey life is ok! The dr even said I was beautiful. maybe she always says that to depressed women, but it made me feel good. Beautiful inside and out...Happy March and talk to you all tomorrow.
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March2,2000
A really busy day today at work, lots of paper work and calls and this and that. Its snowing again so hopefully the basement will not get too much more water til it melts. I am refusing to let it get to me. I told my doc that I am going to start exercising and I am. Summer is just behind the corner and I really want them shorts to look good. I still feel so lonely, the kids are always doing things after school and with friends. Its just me. Guess Im not used to it.
I was thinking about that suppport group called Parents without partners, not to meet anyone, but I suppose to talk to others that are raising their kids alone and all the obstacles that you run into too. Sometimes it makes you feel like you arent alone out there, ya know? Well let me finish my work and talk to you tomorrow.
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March3,2000
Went to my therapist today and she thinks Im 50% there as far as my emotional state and the meds kicking in. I think so, there is more better days then bad days. As far as the Parents without Partners, I kinda think it would be a bad idea....lets face it, up here they would all be related ya know? More like a family reunion...:-)
The water is finally receeding in the basement, and hopefully I will get that pump before the next rain storm. Well its Friday, and I have some exciting weekend...cleaning the basement, the bird cages, and all the other fun things..can you stand it? See ya all later.
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March6,2000
Well its Monday again...and I am kinda glad to be here. The weekends are so boring for me. The kids dad came up Sat to spend time with them and that was nice for them. We officially found out that we have new landlords, closing is the ninth. Of course former landord didnt even tell us, (he was the deli owner that fired me too) so now I have no idea if the rent is going to go up, we have to move or what the deal is..I guess we just have to wait and see. Im just so not into the mood to rent again. I really wanted just to bide my time til I get my own house. Anyway, I did so bad with my eating this weekend, I am so ashamed....I have decided that I need to get serious about dieting and exercise. I am feeling so much better emotionally, now I need to work on the physical part. To be the best that I can be. I cant keep giving myself excuses for not exercising, its nice out, I can start with some walks and work my way back up to the weight work.
Thats my goal for the day, do some kinda of exercise and stick to my diet. Day by day.....see ya all tomorrow.
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March7,2000
I did make my goal yesterday :-). I did stick to my diet and I did get off my butt and did some physical work. Well it was only cleaning my room, but I threw the weights on and put some music on and worked around for 2 hrs. Its not Richard or Jane or Taebo but its a start and
today after I tan, I will do more. Take a walk or maybe throw a tape in. Like I used to do, way back in the beggining I started slow and worked my way up. This will have to be the same. Its been a long time, alot of emotional stuff to go through and I am going to work on me. I am just getting better and better every day and I love it. Feeling like a new person...better and improved. See ya all tomorrow.
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March8,2000
I stuck to my diet, but didnt get to exercise. My bottom tooth is now infected and hurts so bad..so I had no choice to stay on my diet.
It hurts too much to eat. I have a sore throat and basically just feel rotton. Thats my whine for the day. Arent you glad you stopped by?
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March 10,2000
My tooth is so infected, its so hard to talk, sleep, eat. I am taking the antibiotics 4 times a day, but I suppose its a bad one. I am trying not to go to the dentist, he will only want to pull it and its a bottom front tooth. Here we go again.....Other then that, my wonderful landlord only paid part of the draining the flood in the basement, he told me that I should of called his plumber who would of been free...like I knew that????? Ahole. I hope he sells and I never have to see him again. Glad that its Friday and get to relax some over the weekend, but that is all I seem to do. I HAVE TO EXERCISE!
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March 14,2000
Im back. Where to begin? I got my hair permed, looks good, got new landlords who are pretty nice so far, no increase in the rent and they are customers of the internet that I work for. Hmmmm, nice position I am in. Other then that, my tooth feels a little better but me, I still feel so lazy, sad. Rich told me last night that he is seeing another woman and my god, it hurts...I could not sleep last night, I dont want to be here at work, Im afraid that I wont make it through the day without crying, Im trying so hard at home to keep my family together, me and the kids and I wait for it all to fall in around me. This is a tough one friends.
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March 15,2000
I have not slept last nite, Im here at work where I need to be, but I needed so bad to write to you all. I have said goodbye to Rich. The "seeing the woman" is living with her. Yeah, he wants to help me, he cares, but like he says...I need to go on, take care of the kids and myself. So I asked him not to call me anymore and be happy. I asked him if he was and he said yes. I have to accept that it was all my doing, the destroyer, the wrecking ball. So.....I am going to be brave, Im going to take care of my family and myself. I wish him all the happiness and love. I have told him hundreds and hundreds of times that Im sorry, but words dont matter sometimes. Thats all that I have to say today. Thanks to my friends that are always there for me.
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March 16,2000
I got some sleep last nite, the bags and puffiness around my eyes have receeded some and now I am ready to move ahead. The dr appts, my kids, myself (dieting!!!) and my mental health. I have no idea what lays ahead but I will be ready. Its scary but I know that I can do it,
there is always that inner strength that comes out when you need it the most. To find the beauty everyday, belief in yourself and just the small but huge pleasure you get when the kids tell you they love you and give you a hug cause they know that you need one. There is alot out there, just got to reach for it. See ya tomorrow.
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March 17,2000
Its Friday and Im not sure if my mood is going to stay ok, thats when its so lonely, the kids usually have things to do, Im home by myself and never seem to want to get out of bed.I cant get the idea out of my head that Rich is with another woman......Time will help. Im doing great with the diet. Im having the slim fast for breakfast, I just had a veggie half sub from subway, and probably will just have the slimfast for dinner. Its hard, I want to just stuff my face all night,take all the pain away and Im so afraid of letting that happen to me...I need all the self control I can get. I also need to remember that food is not going to heal the pain. Only I and time can do that. So, Im ready to face the food demons again, and for gods sake I REALLY GOT TO GET INTO EXERCISING!!!!! Maybe see Richard again a few times a week, (take him out of the closet). Have a happy St Pattys day and see ya all tomorrow.
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March 20,2000
Monday again, and I have to say that I am glad to be at work. I spent a very pathetic weekend in bed, being lazy, crying and feeling sorry for myself. Just perfect. I promised myself that I will go on, leave the past behind and keep going. Why is it that it seems easy to do during the week and the weekends I fall apart???? I have got to stop that, not to mention all the crap I stuffed my face with.....yeah, I have to admit I was really, really bad. The one thing I feared the most, the evil food for comfort. Well today is a new day, and I have to start all over again. I hope that life will get better, that saddness and hurt will subside and that I can honestly laugh again.
See ya all tomorrow.
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March 21,2000
I did good with my eating yesterday, not much exercise but I didnt fall into the eating trap....my mood is somewhat up and down. Rich called me this morning at work to see if I was okay. It just ripped up my heart again...he is with another, holding someone else at night,
calling someone else honey and buying them little gifts just because,
making her feel safe at night and being there when no one else is. That hurts....why am I so unlovable? Why do I make everyone miserable?
Do I ever do good for anyone???? Thats how I feel at this moment, pathetic I know, but just being honest. Talk to u tomorrow.
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March 22,2000
I ate too much last nite...and I hate myself for it, but I have to put it behind me. Im going shopping and out to dinner with Kathy later, so hopefully a good mall walk will do me some good. Im really looking forward to our night out, we dont go out much. My friend Connie at work makes her own candles and they are the best, she is selling them over the net, take a visit...she has tons of cool scents and they are the greatest. You can visit her at
http://www.jessesjarscents.com/
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March 23,2000
Went shopping yesterday with Kathy and out to dinner, it was relaxing and we had a good time....was bad, but just at dinner so Im not going to beat myself up over it. I am going to just keep going, the slimfasts work real well for breakfast and Connie told me that its only 4 points for WW's, so thats pretty good. I think one for breakfast, a veggie sub for lunch and another drink for dinner is a good diet for me. The slimfast has lots of vitamins and gives me that energy for work, I really love the veggie subs, just trying to stay away from meat as well. Keith is giving me a hard time lately, not doing his homework, chores, talking back....I hope its just the age, cause he is driving me nuts. He seems upset all the time and I cant get him to talk to me...I hope the guidance councler that he see's can help. Annie is being a doll, and Keith is a little monster...never can get them both behaving at the same time. See ya all tomorrow
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March 24,2000
It's Friday!!! Yeah, you can say Im happy. Okay last nite I ate a whole pint of Haagen-Daas, chocolate of course. That is soooo bad, but Im going to make it up today. I really got to stop these little binges of mine, cause not only will I be depressed, but fat too. I told ya all I was scared of this, and I have also been shopping alot, maybe too much. I rather do that then eat. Today and for the rest of my life, no more! No more of these little binges, and I will get back into exercise. I know that I will feel a whole lot better. My depression is up and down, when I see the dr in a few weeks I might have to change my dosage, I dont know...I am having problems sleeping and usually have to take sleeping pills to fall asleep and I still wake up 5 or 6 times during the night. Im not going to stay in bed all weekend this time. Im going to get up, go tan, go to the salon and have my hair colored...the perm took out alot of the color, so Im getting the red put back in, and also highlighted with a golden red..
sounds nice huh? I was supposed to see the councler today, and she had to cancel til next Fri. That kinda upset me, I needed to see her and talk. Talk about Rich and him living with another woman and how much it hurts, Keith going through some kinda crazy phrase..sometimes I think hes mad at me, two dads that arent around anymore, blaming me.
I can understand that. I just wish that he would communicate with me.
Anyway, time to wrap up for the day, talk to you all later.
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March 27,2000
Monday so soon...I want to tell u all I had a great weekend, but I didnt....Sat morning a call from Rich, an honest answer that he is in
love with the woman that he is living with. Had my hair colored, came out almost black, not the red that I wanted at all. I also decided that maybe I should try a date, maybe that would make me feel better about me, it was so nice. He was a gentleman, nice looking, complimented me all nite on how pretty I was, easy to talk to, great personality, yada, yada, when the nite was through, he told me that he wanted to see me again, that this could grow....well Sunday morning an email came that told me that he changed his mind, there was too many things that he would want to change about me...loser is all I can think, me that is. What the hell is so wrong with me?????
My kids dont listen, they wont respect me, my husband is in love with another woman, my job, I like it, but I get teased all day. I know its all in fun, but boy do I hate hearing "your old, your an old hag,
your a loser". I have received two raises since I have been here, but I will never go anywhere here, no schooling. I wanted to go, but I cant. Thats too much time away from the kids to go to nite school. I feel that I am too old too. I know, where will I be in 5 years???? Maybe I just cant believe in me anymore, no more strength left to gather...I know these meds shoould work better then this, and when I go to the dr I will have to probably change my dosage, and hope that works. This is depressing, I know, and I know alot of u get sick of this.....its just how I feel. My diet wont work, I cant get any exercise, God doesnt seem to be listening to me, and I would sometimes not want to wake up. I know, pathetic, selfish and a sin.
Its just the way that I feel. I was never good enough for anyone....
not since the day I was born.
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March 29,2000
How To Find The Good In Bad Memories
"Forget about the days
when it's been cloudy,
but don't forget your hours in the sun.
| Forget about the times you've been defeated, but don't forget the victories you've won. Forget about the mistakes that you can't change now, but don't forget the lessons. Forget about the misfortunes you've encountered, but don't forget the times your luck has turned. Forget about the days when you've been lonely, but don't forget the friendly smiles you've seen...... Forget about the plans that didn't seem to work out right, but don't forget to always have a dream." UNKNOWN This poem was sent to me by Janet, truly a wonderful friend for the past two years. When I write in my journals, I write how I feel at the moment, it is not for anyone's entertainment, or to judge me and send nasty notes that I am an immature whiner so to say and that they wont read me anymore. Maybe this is selfish, but it is for me, and me alone...its to heal, let out my feelings, yes I share my life, I am not afraid to talk about what has happened in my life, maybe and I know for a fact that I have helped others get through their demons. Demons have ways of keeping their cloud over you, depression is a very real very horrible diease, I have shared that with u all. I have good days, and I have days that are dark and I cant see a light at the end of the tunnel. I know that I need to get better, need to keep going to the dr and be there for my kids...they need me. Last nite they came in my room and told me "When are you going to be happy again Mom? We love you and we need U." I can not tell you how it ripped out my heart, my children, how I have deprived them, being sick with this damn diease of mine...my husband, who I love with all my heart, the love of my life...he had dealt with this for years, and finally had enough. I need him to be happy with his new love...and Rich, for you, the memories of all the good times are in my heart forver, my knight. I love you..now go, be happy. That is all I have to say today, this is how I feel, this is what I belive, and this is what I share....yesterday, I stayed home from work, I talked to Rich, let out my feelings and what he needed to know. I talked to my kids, I promised them that I will get better, I am back at work and will do all the best that I can,maybe I will go further, maybe I wont. Though it feeds the kids and I would do anything for them. Til tomorrow...
March 30,2000
I am still having so much trouble sleeping at nite, and it shows. The crying has made my eyes baggy and horrible dark rings. I look like crap. Tomorrow I go see my therapist and I hope that I can be able to let her know all of this pain and anquish I feel. I hope that they can help with the meds and I want to smile again. Everyday its a battle and everynite a nightmare, but you know what? I do it..I do get up, get dressed, go to work, there is still something in there...
Something inside that makes me keep going, my kids, me, friends..
the people here at work are like my second family and I would go nuts without them. I know they tease me alot, but I did make a big deal about it...pms, depression, everything bothers u. I know there will be nomore Rich and I. That is a fact, and he keeps reminding me on how I destroyed it all....so. The end of a marriage, a family, lots of dreams, and my soulmate. Talk to you tomorrow, will share the shrink session...maybe she has ideas to help me through this all.
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March 31,2000
Just got back from my session, it was the hardest one yet, I let out all the pain I had inside, the anquish, the not sleeping, and other
thoughts that were horrible. She had alot of wise advice for me, hard to be able to accept that I need to do it. Hard to believe that I will ever be okay again....but she thinks I am. I have to see the dr early next week, and my meds are going to have to be upped or something else added, the not sleeping is really taking its toll. I want to end this horrible month with something good to say, something positive, and I cant think of anything. Well I got taebo boxing video from Kathy, there we go...Billy and I. Talk to you all tomorrow.
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