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Monthly log: 7/13 - 7/__...2002
Saturday 6:09 am
Hand Crank Cycles
This isolation & princess in a tower shit has got to go...it's depressing as hell! Geez, well I can now live where I
want AND have a few bucks...just a matter of getting off my ass (pain spasms kept me awake last night) and finding a home.
Here's a photo of my new bike in the mail that the BBC funds paid for:
Scroll down to the Super Bike Twist Shift (red)
Sonny who I know by e-mail & who thought I was a male Drag Queen writes:
"Hey Jules, how about one song that went, "Looking for adventure, out upon the highway. Looking for adventure,
whatever comes my way. Born to be wild, born to be wild......" It's an OLDIE!"
I did get some sleep last night by singing that song.
Monthly log: 4/6 - 4/30...2002
Sunday, April 28
Swimming update: just kicking...things going well
Group of San Francisco bay area dancers called "Julia's Body"
ugh! Logistics
Thursday, April 25
This message really caught me this morning (from bfl kick butt women's board)..."enjoy the jouney" the phrase is
almost a cliche...but I've never heard it applied to fitness & trnsformation. It's traditional to get stuck in that "no
pain, no gain"--even if the pain is emotional...lol...for me there are so many things I want to change in my life right
now..."enjoy the journey" or "enjoy your body" or "enjoy your sweet, short precious time om Earth"
doesn't mean I have to pretend to *like* the things I want to change (which have nothing to do w/ fitness....or do they?)...but
maybe, enjoyment is the feeling to focus on!
I'll use this in my Q/D class.
There is a joy in nourishing one's body...but I forget it when I think about what people see when they look at me....that's
sad.
Here's the message that got me smiling:
From:İfitnessqueenİİ(Original Message) Sent:İ4/25/2002 6:25İAM
I know that there are alot of people that have trouble sticking with the program and who get discouraged easily if things
do not happen fast for them. I was one of those people and I have changed my outlook on a lot of things. I now feel that I
am more in tune with myself and my body.
I read an artical awhile back in Muscle & Fitness that struck me. It was an artical about this guy who overcame all
kinds of obstacles in his life and now he is fit and healthy and all of that good stuff. He said something that struck home
with me. He basically said that you shouldn't always rush to your goals, that you should enjoy the journey along the way.
That is so true! enjoy every workout, enjoy eating healthy and enjoy life in general. Everyone is always rushing their lives
and that isn't the way it should be!
After that artical I decided that it didn't matter how long it took me to get into top form, that I would enjoy the journey.
I also decided that exercising and dieting wasn't that scary and disturbing once I decided that I was doing this to be as
healthy as I can be and not because I have to to get into shape and to look my best. I was doing this to live aİlong and healthy
life, and along with that reason comes the looking great and being in shape.
Jamie
(who now has to wake everyone up from my long and maybe boring speech)
Wednesday, 24 April
Geeez! I am all over the place w/ my bfl--stayed up all night, woke up at 3pm...no water, lots of coffee & power oatmeal...and
I'm thinking too much & fretting tons! The other journals concentrate on what's eaten...so I'll give journal writing
ago, get some sleep & see if it helps me stay focused....I'll even get some stats.
Hey Niff! Fail fast. Get it over with quickly and geez...lighten up on yourself, you're depressing me....just kidding...I'm
really glad you wrote in cuz it's 6:12 am here, I've been up all night (it's that caffine that gets ya, isn't it?)
...you think you need a different outlook? You know what I'm doing? I'm looking at this silly list of 5 unattainable,
non-specific goals that I wrote 11 weeks ago and thinking, "well, what's a week?" & "I bet people go and
pig out after their chllenges are over, but their just afraid to write in & say so"
ok, I met one of my vaugue goals--I developed a swim stroke, a pretty good one too...BUT it's not good enough!!! especially
compared to that woman who's been swimming everyday for a year & does those fancy twirls & *never* loses her breath
or sputters like I do & well never mind about the swim stroke...basically everyone can do everything better then me--weights,
cardio, nutrition, you name it, someone's doing it better & faster & heavier & having more fun at it then I am!
But...I have this picture in my head...
ok, I'm going off...but this Web page has unlimited space & I'm in kind of a bad mood...anyway, Niff, you know what
my picture at the beginning of the 12 weeks was--it's still crystal clear--my main goal to feel successful at the end of 12
weeks was to be "performance-ready"--no numbers, no scale weight, no body fat measurements--who cares, I'm a solo
theatre artist & all I want is to be ready to perform.
You know what that's like Niff? fear of public speaking polled higher than fear of death among Americans...but there's
nothing like it...it's like being the perfect athlete & it's just you on stage & every footstep, every breath has
been planned & practiced & people are watching you & judging you & there's *nothing* to hide behind &
some people hate you because you're saying who you are & some people love you because you're not caring if some people
don't like what you're saying or that you can't swim a perfect swim stroke or your butt & waist are *much* to big to be
a "real" dancer's.
Anyway, it's perfect synergy & the words flow out & even the people who don't like what you're saying stop &
listen because there's something about you--maybe it's confidence, maybe it's.... And all you did was practice--you practiced
in the morning before you were really awake, you practiced when you were disappointed, when your muscles were tired, when
you hated what you were saying too...and you just practiced & practiced until that day everything fell into place &
everyone wanted to know how you created that. You just simply said, "I don't know...I just practiced a lot"
get the idea, Niff? Every glass of water you drink now is practice & if you make a mistake, don't waste a moment
looking back...just keep practicing...and keep track of those moments of synergy...they make life fun.
oh, and there's no way I can be "performance-ready" like the picture in my head..it's out of my control...but
I keep practicing & the honors & rewards keep coming in....not fast but there...because there's something beautiful
about a woman who keeps going, who picks herself up...even if it's for no other reason then she wants to feel good.
ok, lecture over --Julia
________________________________________
yea, the 12 weeks actually is pretty random to me--it's just that I want to *begin* my 2nd challenge instead of draggggging
out this one...bfl is more a way of keeping a fitness routine & getting info then a devotion to doing it "by the
book"
I've been needing help w/ feeling successful lately though as I can 'Talk Good Story' (a Hawaiian phrase) about transformation...but
I can't do anything but be patient (like yea, right) as my bones heal & it's hard to make the visible transformation I
see in my head & others & know I can "easily" do.
I have a nine inch line of fire tatoo up my belly (which is unfinished & looks like an orange catapiller) & I've
promised myself that once my physicality (great word, huh) is to my liking I'll have it turned into the Chinese New Year's
dragon (chasing & swallowing the pearl of divine vitality)
Julia
(PRE SLEEP MESSAGES)
I dont' think the idea of "PROMOTING rape & homosexuality make any sense"
I am the big bad demon that wants to kiss women or at least hug them in friendship...why do I bother? I guess I do promote
homosexuality...I think it's important for people to feel good & love/be loved by others for who they are.
Dr. says I don't need to rehab hip--funny because I can't walk....I;m sad w/ being called the hateful demon....I guess
it hurt a lot when I was raped & so now I "promote" it because I'm gay?
I'm tired of bfl, exercise, swimming...I want a real life, a family, a place to belong & I don't belong w/ straight
women...
Sunday, April 21, 2002
Well my swimming is improving & I think I wll go & days in a row w/ no break. I'm trying to vary things & rest
so as to not get too sore. I'm so isolated it's hard to not go swimming....I'm trying to be AB w// bfl so i realized I need
to focus on back leg muscle from the surgury. I appreciate how much support/info I get from the bfl list & bodybuilders.
Anyway, here's a message from today:
I don't think the guy was trying to steer you wrong--he was probably just trying to protect your health using out of date
information & stereotypes of what an athlete should look like. Experts are like this.
To me it seems a generational/updated information thing. I'm recovering from a leg operation & told a rehab therapist
that I was doing the 3x/20 min. cadio, she said "for you I'd recommend 40 min at 70%-80%" (never explaining what
"for you" meant but adding "going full blast strains the heart which isn't neccessarily bad")....a younger
and more enthusiastic Sports Ortho agreed it was fine if I did my cardio 6x a week as long as I alternated body parts
I don't do my cardio full blast 6x a week any more but it's nice to know the experts don't think I'll croak immediately
if I do...listen to your body, you're doing great!
Julia
Friday, April 12
I'm so excited I just had to write...my birthday isn't until next Wednsday but my swimming buddy just gave me a bunch of great
presents! EAS Simply Protein Whey powder, GNC Creatine Plus & APEX BCAA Branched Chain Amino Acids! Today is my free
day but I can't wait to try them out tomorrow!
Darn, guess this means I really have to eat clean so I can show off my presents <:
Glad y'all are here
________________________________________________
The same neighbor is anti "Queers". Being of the old Europeon lady-like stock she uses the old meaning of the
word. I have let her believe I'm asexual (or straight) as I am stuck with my conservative, gossipy neighbors 24/7 while this
operation heals...I guess ever since she told me about having MS (& her worst fear being a stranger on the street might
notice her drop something...rather than something more practical like how will she get to her third floor apt if the MS gets
worse) I feel sorry for her. But, what's important here? I'm helping her but denying myself...I asked her what was wrong
with two people falling in love. Sad that there is much hate in the world; and I can see how her hate punishes no one but
her.
The 3 keys of taoism: simplicity, compassion and patience. Compassion is wanting to relieve suffering, but what if the
person suffering hates you (thinks a part of you is freakish). The hero's dilema....I think I have ear infections & that's
a bit more tangible....
Saturday, April 6
Are you the hero of your own story? I can finally say, "yes, I am."
Body For Life Womens Club 2
What is a Workout
by George Allen
A workout is 25 percent perspiration and 75 percent determination. Stated another way, it is one part physical exertion
and three parts self-discipline. Doing it is easy once you get started.
A workout makes you better today than you were yesterday. It strengthens the body, relaxes the mind, and toughens the
spirit. When you work out regularly, your problems diminish and your confidence grows.
A workout is a personal triumph over laziness and procrastination. It is the badge of a winner--the mark of an organized,
goal-oriented person who has taken charge of his or her destiny.
A workout is a wise use of time and an investment in excellence. It is a way of preparing for life's challenges and proving
to yourself that you have what it takes to do what is necessary.
A workout is a key that helps unlock the door to opportunity and success. Hidden within each of us is an extraordinary
force. Physical and mental fitness are the triggers that can release it.
A workout is a form of rebirth. When you finish a good workout, you don't simply feel better..You feel better about yourself.
Weekly log: 2/2 - 2/8...2002
Friday, Febuary 8
Started Body for Life Challenge yesterday. Don't think I'm going to get ripped or make "miraculous transformation"
as I can't get to the weight equipment I need and this isn't the time to supplement...but it will be interesting to see how
I/my body changes in 12 weeks, especially if I can maintain discipined progress towards my goals.
Saturday, February 2
Don't you worry about whats on your mind...when you're in love geography and time are no worries...will I see her? Does she
want to see me? Can I? Will I? Please make it all right now. I love you, Darlin'.
Kisses,
Julia
"I believe that we learn by practice.Whether it means to learn to dance by practicing dancing or to learn
to live by practicing living, the principals are the same. In each it is the performance of a dedicated precise set of acts,
physical or intellectual, from which comes shape of achievement, a sense of one's being, a satisfaction of spirit. One becomes
in some area an athlete of God.
Martha Graham
Who else
would suggest our first date be viewing church paintings?
Weekly log: 1/19 -1/25...2002
Tuesday, January22
What I'll say on the BBC!
C me on the BBC!!!
yep a half hour doco!
Is Kelli Fox really *my* astrologer? Here's what she says:
"Greetings --
Here is your horoscope for Tuesday, January 22:
Wake up to an oncoming
change. Your long wait is just about over.
A disability vanishes or turns to your advantage. Other people's
input
only confirms what was already in your heart.
Until tomorrow,
Kelli Fox, Your Astrologer"
Cya next arvo!
Sunday, January 20
From a e-mail sent to a dear friend:
I'm sorry to hear you had/are having such a rough time...this young hospital
worker exclaimed after hearing about my accident, "And you surrvived?! Wow...you deserve whatever you want after that!"
Bad things happen to good people & all that yickety-yak aside...I believe ya pull yourself out of a hole because
you want to breathe fresh air, and ya shouldn't be content to sit on the edge of the swamp remembering back when ya used to
be in it.
I'm very lonely and have wondered around the world much of my life wishing I had a place where I belonged;
not at home with my family, unable to create a new "family" (except in the negitive sense) and unable to be by myself
comfortably. However, I have an image--it's not of a where, who or how. It is of me. The American Indian lesson of 'Hour
of Power' is what I cling to for comfort. Remembering what it's like to feel THAT good (& embodied & healthy)...it
was always sexual for me & I've been looking for that partner who would help me get there whenever I needed (Can you see
why my partners got tired of me being sexually demanding? I didn't want them...I wanted me [through them])...anyway, surprise,
surprise, even though I have strong ambivelant feelings about my performance history...my physical memories of my 'hour of
power' are certain points of performances or rehearsals. Before my accident I used to watch myself "run" along
side the car on long trips...it's like that...watching yourself leaping over telephone poles and houses and remembering how
that feels and saying I want to feel like that all the time and I won't let anyone take that from me again.
I realize
as I write this that a never ending high is the junkie's dream..or the evangical Christian's...but I'm talking about the taoists
athlete's high...a harmony of aggressive and receptive forces...the body and mind are in sync...one achieves that by not being
addicted or interfearing with other's...Patience, Simplicity and Compassion are the three keys (and yes one opens the door
to the exercise equipment or at least the swimming pool & another opens the door to the University and the education we
book-loving gals always wanted)...but if we sit and stare at the swamp, we'll never breathe fresh air. Never. I'm old enough
to know that there really are people who will sabatoge one's efforts...and they might do it unconsciously...but they probably
just want company as they stare at the swamp...but it's always up to you whether or not you open the door w/ one of our three
darling keys.
ok, I needed that lecture.
I asked my sis what she would say to an alkie who was hooked
on drugs. "Stop taking addictive substances and no matter what don't do it again".
She added, "I'm
sorry your friend is visiting Africa (she loves de Nile joke)...anyway...maybe I am visualizing myself being strong &
active & happy because I have absolutely no one to sleep with (heh) but I think it's more than that...I think it's that
I just can't live in this swamp anymore and the present me has to much "stuff" to get out...but w/ some new skills
THAT me will be my light (my knight in shining armour...my princess too <:)
Love,
Julia
Saturday, January19
Skeleton from Vesalius' De Humani Corporis Fabrica
There's this swim therapist at the rehab I go to who infuriates me. I'm recovering from a major operation, a blood clot,
isolation; it averages 3 hours for me to get to the rehab and back for a half hour appointment and she's barking like a strangled
dog, "Julia, get out!". One would suspect her co-workers would hint to her that she was causing the loss of clients.
And they do because she does! But she hasn't caught on that it's not cool to be bitchy to people who are paying you to help
them feel better and get stronger. Well, I've found other ways to meet my swimming needs. More importantly, rather than
get furious, I've placed her in context of history and what's important to remember; what's valuable to embrace.
Weekly Log: 1/12 - 1/18...2002
Friday, January 18
"It must be hard to be a girl-lover." That's what a straight woman friend said seriously in an e-mail tonight.
I replied, "certainly is". I hadn't thought about it much. I told her how I'd gotten my name "dolphin"
after almost being killed for being a lesbian--funny how we just forget these things or what once was important becomes less
vital.
Sometimes I've worn "girl-lover" (or some version of that) as a badge of courage...it is just
like disability in many ways....doing something with one's body and being stigmatized for it.
Friendship is a funny
thing...there's no rules to friendship...when I first arrived in Australia in 1999 a man--complete with Crocodile Dundee hat--
told me that the best way to make good friends was to be a good friend. Friendship is about listening...wheter or not one
is a girl-lover or not.
Cheers Matey!
Monday, January 14
My arms are sore from riding exercise arm bike for an hour yesterday--wore my new American flag shorts, sunglasses and pumped
to '60's Rock & Roll Hits'....the best was 'Wild Thing' by The Troggs.
Also good for the heart:
"...The
events and effects of Sep 11 are an ongoing tragedy, the like of which no sane person would have wished on the victims of
the terrorist attacks and their families and friends, or on the world itself...
However, two certainties seem to
have emerged from this traumatic period. The first is the determination that things of life should not and will not be intimidated
by things destructive of life. The second, which is related to the first, is the recognition of the power things of art have
in supporting the things of life..."
Divan Mag-E-zine
Weekly Log: 1/5 - 1/11...2002
Friday, January 11
I'm so sick of hearing about how I must think I'm a man because I like to wear surf shorts that come down to my knees...what
is that 12-step addage? "It's none of my business what other people think of me"--I'm sick of being invisible and
easily erased though.
Trying to ride my stationary arm bike an hour in morning and an hour at night--working up
to it but staying consistant; doing pretty good.
Thursday, January 10
My weight bearing status increased to 70% today (I had a major hip/pelvis operation on Oct 10 last year)...Tim in Australia
says "take it easy"...Smart Bloke, eh?
Wednesday, January 9
Dreams really do come true!!!
(with hard work and ass-kicking disappointments)
Monday, January 7
Okay, adding sweet femmes to one's nutritional plan helps with the homemade brownie/coffee and cream cravings
Sunday, January 6
My 6-year old niece asked me today, "What's so great about him [Leonardo Da Vinci] just because he's a painter?"
[We were playing a computer game and Da Vinci got his journals stolen]
Caught by surprise I tried to explain,
painters aren't important just because they are painters but good painters can create new perceptions in our vision.
Luckily, as I was stumbling over my answer the game talked about Da Vinci's other skills--sculpting, inventing, science.
There's a great quote by Eienstien (I'll find it later) about how the artist and the scientist enjoy the rapture of the unknown.
_______________________________________________
There really is nothing better than a cup of coffee--made just right--and
chocolate brownies, even when one is being disciplined about nutrition and exercise. Only proves that the spirit and the
body aren't two seperate things.
Saturday January 5
Life is too short for ignorance or hatred
Aries
Sitting around hoping your life is going to change
is about as effective as drifting in an open sea expecting to get anywhere without picking up an oar. You need to start things
happening, and you need to do so in ways that are decisive and proactive. Do whatever you have to do to prepare for the task
-- start working out, start eating better or start meditating. Whatever you do, make sure that your mental and physical health
are taken care of. To overlook these things now will compromise your future.
-Kelli Fox
Lao-Tzu's 3
Treasures
Simplicity, Patience, and Compassion. Lao-tsu, the author of the Tao Te
Ching (The Book of the
Way), said he had "just three things to teach: Simplicity,
Patience, and Compassion" (Chapter 67). He refers
to them as treasures, and indeed they are. When we create simplicity in our lives, we live (as Thoreau) deliberately, We loose
the sense that we must rush to our next thought or appointment, and as we do, we are more able to see the world and our place
in it. To live with patience we come into "accord with the way things are." And, when we possess compassion, we
are able to "reconcile all beings in the world."
Han can't find this quote's souurce
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