Oct 28 - Each Day I Search the Rubble

I don't want to forget. All I have left are the memories of the way they were and their last moments. It feels unreal even though I've seen the empty skyline and Ground Zero firsthand. Each day I need an affirmation that yes, they are gone, I didn't just dream it.

At first it was easy to get nuggets of news about progress at Ground Zero. In fact, each day I was inundated with stories, in the newspapers, on TV, or from friends. I was told about survivors, horror stories, miracles, sadness, and rescue efforts at Ground Zero. Connections to the Towers were around every corner I turned.

But as all news grows stale, this too would take a back seat to the bombings of Afghanistan, anthrax, and even the NYC Mayoral campaign. But I still hurt over their loss and hungered for more information about Ground Zero or any other factoids about the Towers that could be gleaned.

So each day I sift through my own personal rubble: the TV channels, newspapers and magazines, the Internet. I sift for anything that will keep the emotion of sorrow or tragedy alive. I need to hurt in order to make it real.

Some days I'm lucky and the nightly news will report bodies have been found and show, for a few brief moments, Ground Zero and the rescue workers. Some days I'll come across an article in the newspaper about a 'miracle' at Ground Zero. One such miracle was the locating of 500 photograph packets, all in-tact, in the underground Mall photo mart and the lady (a survivor) who was now able to reclaim these photos of her now dead coworkers.

When the media brings me nothing I go back and read through the magazines I have saved but not yet read that contain stories on the tragedy. Or I look over the photos I took at Ground Zero. Some days I call a friend who I haven't seen since Black Tuesday and thus have a chance to talk about "where were you that morning?".

I know in time I have to let go. But for now it's part of my daily life, like doing that last check of the stove before I leave for work. If I don't I feel uneasy all day. If I don't connect with the Twin Towers in some way each day, I feel an emptiness inside. For now, tragedy and sorrow are the twin towers of my mental skyline.