|
|
Two Years,
|
 |
|
|
May1,2000
2 years all...2 years that I lost 100 pounds, went back and forth
with depression and low self esteem, marriage, divorce, jobs, what
a ride it has been. I'm doing well, I have totally accepted the end
of Mr&Mrs, I am getting into losing again, I have gained the twenty or more back, and happy to say that it's ok. I am liking myself again
enjoying the kids (well...98% of the time) I am back on the "non diet"
just eat when Im hungry and I watch the fat and sugar. I'm tanning, doing the hair, nails and looking good. :-) It's amazing how you go from one extreme to the next, from wanting to end your life to wanting to get all that you can out of it everyday. From eating myself to death to writing about why I eat like that, from filling
in the empty holes with good instead of bad...I can say honestly that I never have been happier and at peace with myself. I'm me, and I kinda like me. I'm even thinking of getting a tattoo...(my father would flip) but I always wanted one, so why not??? I have a pretty good male friend that I enjoy spending time with, no commintment though..even my therapist says its way too early. I date once in awhile, but find that most men are jerks..(no offense Frank) and most of them are a waste of time...So April was a wild month so many decisions and life changes, lets hope May is calm, but if not hey I am ready for it.Sat was grandma's bday, and I know that Jeanne's hairdreser had her all made up in the Long Island do...miss you grandma. See ya all tomorrow.
|
|
|
|
May2,2000
Just want to throw in a quick post before I sign off for the day, it has been so super crazy here all day, but at least the day went by fast. I ate way too much last nite and I have no idea, well in a way I guess I do. Its my friend, he got this job and he has to get up real early and I wanted to spend time with him last nite and we decided that it would be better for him to get some rest....and what did I do???? Stuff my face, it was just a binge of 2 bagels, but I wasnt hungry and that bothered me. I am getting way too close to him and him to me, and thats not good. I just could not handle getting hurt at the moment, nor do I want to hurt anyone....I just hated that I turned to food to comfort me! Bad habits that U just cant get rid of. At least I reconigzed the problem and why I ate, so that tells me that it is time to chill the relationship somewhat and do something else when I feel lonely....besides that DOING GREAT!!!! I feel good.
Talk to you all tomorrow
|
|
|
|
May4,2000
Didnt get a chance to post yesterday, busy here and then busy at home as well, I really would love to get a day to myself, just hang at home and do nothing. I know that I did it for months and it was horrible, but now I want to do it just for the day :-) Annie is driving me nuts, I dont know what the problem is but I believe that she is jealous over my friend, like maybe having a "crush" on him.
She is undermining the whole relationship if you want to call it that.
We need to sit down and talk about it later....She has been so difficult and hard to talk to. Maybe I shouldnt date??? Both of the kids have activities and I do all that I can for them, when I was sad and depressed they were begging me to get up and go out, see a friend,date, anything and now that I do once in awhile Annie has a fit. She is always having a group hangout with her church, babysitting, going to friends, Im the one that feels that the kids are getting too old to want to hang out with me. Kids, mom is always wrong no matter what we do. I just know that I am happy, I enjoy my friend's company and my home being calm and quiet and an occasional date, the kids being happier. Its like everything is going so well and now Annie has to have hissy fits on me all the time. Well, life.
I am doing real good on my non diet "diet" just eating when I feel hungry, I know that I had that little setback the other nite but I have it under control now so I have to say try it....It seems to work for me and I dont eat as much. I dont deny myself anything, just try eating it in moderation, and then you wont go crazy..Im going to really get back into weighing once a week again and posting it. I need that to keep the motivation and not backslide..Talk to you all later.
|
|
|
|
May5,2000
Friday finally! Its hot out and going to get hotter in this neck of the woods of Pa...I just got back from the dr and we are sticking with the same meds, she said that I was just radiant...and I told her how much better I feel, I am just afraid that they will crash like all the others, and she said not to worry, she thinks I'm doing great,
I told her I filed for the divorce and ready for life..she thinks its great that I have a new friend and also dating, but like the therapist they both agree on no serious attachment, and I have to agree....(even though I get those tingles when I see my friend) Annie is starting next week with therapy, she has alot to work out and Keith see's the dr this Monday...its alot of appts, and back and forth but to have a happy family it's needed. I had some ice cream last nite...:-( honestly it wasnt that much and I havent had any in forever, well probably just a few weeks ago, who am I kidding??? It was good and I dont feel bad about it, the new non diet "diet" my new stragedy...its working well, will weigh in Monday and watch me relose again any nasty *&&^%^&* unwanted poundage! See ya all later.
|
|
|
|
May8,2000
I did not even go near the scale, I was soooo bad, and I am quite disgusted with myself. Though I will get over it, I mean I ate icecream (alot) pizza, and Micky dees...I know, talk about a real pig out....but it needs to be behind me, and maybe in 3 or 4 days I will get to the scale again. I have to leave early to pick up Keith. He has a dr appt and hopefully we can get him to be on the right track. I still don't feel that he is doing well. Or Annie for that matter, I guess the damage takes a long time to heal...anyway I feel that I have to apologize to someone, not "her" or him, but to the first Mrs Crawford. I called her last week, I dont know why, I just had a funny feeling and she was the nicest woman that I ever talked to, and to really no suprise the same was done to her....she wasnt a bitch, they were happy, but oh he found a "love of his life" who was married, well that didnt last long and just a few months later hey I was the love of his life...two year time difference I believed only to find out it was a few months....again, the hurt came back. He was lying to me from our very first date. So to you, you know the bottom of the totem pole of women (if u are still reading, sicko) it will happen to u as well, count on it. If he told u everything I write is a lie...it aint honey. Call the first wife....So to the first Mrs. C, I am so sorry that I called you a bitch and felt the feelings that I did towards you, U did not deserve it. You are a very kind and decent woman and the pain still is with you, that I know, hopefully it will fade for you as I get it to fade for me. Maybe Im wrong for how I feel about "her" maybe its because I feel that she should stay out of my web site, u got the "prize" STOP READING cause I will never give u a break, nor will I tell stories about your wonderful fiance. Its true. If you ever want to know more call.....well then I guess we are a coward to do that. Save the dime, he will only lie...thats all he ever did from the beggining. No, Im not trying to ruin his life, he did a good job on me and my children, I could never match what he did...it just pisses me off that my kids are suffering, that we have to go back and forth to drs and to be always blamed for it....blamed that everything in our life was my fault, I was the fk up. I was the destroyer, I was the sicko.....damn U. and damn U mrs to be....
well like I told him you two deserve each other.. I guess that has been bottled up for a long time and I needed to get that out...please dont think bad of me friends, theraphy ya know? My kids deserve so much better and I will make sure that they get all the help that they can, but I need to vent as well and this is the only safe place, my pages, my life, my writings.....mine, thank god for freedom of the web.....Thanks for being with me friends.
|
|
|
|
May9,2000
It's not even 11am and already I got bitched out by some lady, cause I am wasting her time...like her time is more important then mine. All I was doing was trying to help with a mix up on her acct, I did not realize that she was helped already, it would be simple to say "Thanks, but it was all taken care of" NO I got to be yelled at for wasting her precious time...I dont like people much today and I can tell its going to be a rotten day. Though I have to tell you that my baby love birds are flying around and getting big and colorful! Of course I'm going to keep them, I cant seem to want to let them go...my
first breed....as weigh in, didnt. I was good yesterday but I think I need a few days before I burn off all that junk I ate the past few days. Keith had an ok appt, the doc is keeping him on the same meds for now and he told the doc that he is feeling better, but I just dont see it. Annie starts next week and thats all I am going to be doing, going back and forth to get these kids ok, besides me...and then I am going to get mad again and spew evil thoughts so I better just keep quiet. I have a few friends coming by tonight so at least that is something to look forward to, and I have a date tomorrow night...Yes, I am still seeing my friend, and I have major feelings...
BAD. I dont want to go there, not yet...but what do u do when its there????? Talk to you tomorrow, Im sure the phone is going to ring any minute with customer of the day, WHY the hell arent they outside????? Its like 85 out there.
|
|
|
|
May10,2000
Almost out of here, long day....Had a good time last nite, my friend
Came over and my girlfriend Christy, Chris from work, kinda like a last minute party. It was fun to be able to do that without getting in trouble. Casual and just a good time during the tstorm. Eric (my friend) and I kinda got into a standstill, started talking about feelings and I guess neither one can handle it. I know that I am falling, and he is too but to admit it to each other its too much.
I just wish that I didnt have this in my life at the moment....anyway, doing great with the eating again, still wont go near the scale, but I will muster the courage sooner or later. Learned more about the ex last night, I swear it just keeps opening up the wound...this one was the "groping" of my neighbor. WHERE the hell was I when all this crap was going on, and why did I never see it???? I really need to just let it end. I try and then I just keep
finding out more. Well like one of my guestbook writers said the best revenge is living well and that is what I plan to do! See ya all later.
|
|
|
|
May15,2000
Im back, we had a major problem with our uplink provider and have been down for a few days...so now we are all back and running...
I weighed, Im upset, I went from 135 to 160....more then 20 lbs but thats it. I am on a serious mission now..I drank a slimfast this morning and I will have one tonight, exercise...when I can get to it.
Its just so hetic at home, here at work, Im dragging both kids and myself to the drs and theraphy, I go to the dentist tomorrow nite
and getting all my teeth pulled..It sucks, I am young but ya know what? I will have white teeth and most important no more pain. It is going to cost alot even with the insurance but I can not walk around with no teeth. Gotta get back to work....help me with this once again quest on a diet. As far as the "guestbook" wars, like I have said we all have a right to our opinion's either they be assinine or sincere...I will not take it out
and whoever wants to write, feel free. I love reading the comments and
the "entertainment" is way too funny to pass up. See you all tomorrow
|
|
|
|
May16,2000
Just a normal blah Tuesday, counting the days to the weekend...Im getting the spring fever and looking forward to my vacation. Im taking it in June, when the kids go away with their dad, and I think Im going to travel...(will let you know the details soon) I'm doing ok
on the eating but now I got the chocolate cravings....and its so damn hard to get away from it. My baby lovebirds are adorable and they are finally coming out of the nest, soon they will be in their own cage and I will have more birds..You got to hear my house when they all go out it..and the kids as well, not the real peaceful enviorment you need when I get out of here, going to the dentist and getting my impression made for my dentures...and Im like I want "winter white" like they have a color chart for teeth :-). I feel if they are going to be fake, I want them WHITE, no off white, ivory, ecru...lol. I drive my dentist nuts. Gotta to sign out, see ya all tomorrow.
|
|
|
|
May19,2000
Havent been posting too much, so stressed over all the dr appts for the kids and myself, every week I have appts. Its all important and needed so dont get me wrong, it just wears and tears on you. Then the job, the house, the divorce, trying to get the extra weight off...had to get a extra cage for the baby lovebirds, and they are mating again, soon my canaries will be mating as well...I love it, but it is expensive feeding all of them. Well I am going to Jamaica!!! Sandals in Dunns River Fall, 8 wonderful days and 7 nights...I am so excited. It was a gift from my mom, well the money for it and I need it so much. Though I need a bathing suit and ACK!!!
Well I know what I need to do,, and so what if I have my fathers thighs Im in the Carribbean Ocean....The kids will be with their dad in Disney and my dad is "Why would you go to Jamaica and not visit me?" Hmmmmm. I said "Are U kidding????" He says "Did I give U permission to be on a plane?" "Dad, do I need it?" " I guess not"
He says "well who are u going with and is he Italian? " "No" and then
I get "Oh, well so how are you?" LOL, wont even discuss my friend unless his last name has a vowel...then once again "Are you old enough for you not to listen to me??" "yes Dad, I am". Italian dads,
never ever change. So....HELP me get this diet going so I can lose like 5 pounds and not look like a beached whale only to gain twice on the trip :-) Talk to u all tomorrow.
|
|
|
|
May22,2000
It was a rainy cold weekend and I spent most of it catching up on some really needed sleep.All this stress is starting to wear me thin, I wish in poundage :-). There is things that I cant even talk about right now and all the other stressful situations, though I am hanging in there. Looking forward to Jamica and being rejuvinated, knowing that the kids are in Disney and having a good time I can enjoy my week of no tv's, phones, puters, and people. I went to my theraphy today and all I did was vented..it was relaxing being able to do that and just have someone listen to you rant and rave, about all the dr appts, the kids, the animals, the ex who I really believed loved me,
what a con man..and just wanting inner peace. No heavy duty relationships, just friends and fun, being able to &^%%&&** resist
chocolate. Talk to you all tomorrow
|
|
|
|
May23,2000
Keith had a good session last nite with his theraphy, well somewhat.The meds are still giving him headaches and I don't see that
much improvement yet...I guess it takes time and the dr told me that he is still in a very serious condition. I just stay strong and keep bringing them and working, and going on. I am amazed at my strength I must say..even my doc said that a few months ago without my meds I wouldnt be able handle all that I am now. Poster woman for Effexor.
I am once again back to the slimfast garbage, but still feel not that much energy to exercise. I dont know why, I know that it will make me feel alot better and I just cant get motivated, Jamaica should get me motivated, maybe its just mental stress being forced into submission....there u go, thats a good answer. Talk to you all tomorrow
|
|
|
|
May25,2000
I didnt even get a chance to post yesterday, too many things to do,
not enough time. The kids will be home for the summer soon, and then I'm sure all the fun will begin.....well Annie has a babysitting job and I want to find something for Keith to do, like a camp. I think he needs to spend more then a week with his dad as well, so im hoping that he can hang on the Island for a few weeks too. I am still hanging in there, going to rip the house up and do a real good cleaning, havent had the time for that either, actually I really didnt care and thats the truth. Something different for me, thats all I ever did was clean..everyday, the house was always spotless and
done up real nice, and then after Rich I just didnt care anymore. I hate the house, and maybe the memories in it. Like I wish it would all just go away and dissapear. Though until I get a place of my own
I will fix it up and get it clean and look forward to a REAL new life, in a REAL house and maybe one day in the future a REAL man.
I guess I still have alot of anger and keeping it inside is all I can do for now. See ya all later.
|
|
|
|
May26,2000
Well almost out of here and off til Tues, which will be three days of cleaning and getting the house together. Fun. Just got off the phone with Keith and he's crying that he hates his sister and he can't live here anymore with her. What am I supposed to do? He say's that maybe he wants to live with his dad and I really can't stand the thought of that, but I want him to get better and I just don't see it. I was going to go to Micky Dees at lunch time and pig out, the stress is killing me, but instead I went to Kmart and just walked around and bought a few things. It made me feel better and at least I didnt turn to food. I have been good, and Tues nite I go and get my teeth out and the dentures, and I know that I will be very sore for awhile and cant eat...so who knows???? Sometimes I just don't care anymore...not about me and all, just about this damn diet thing. I am so sick of the watching everything that you put in your mouth and losing & gaining, and feeling bad about yourself cause u gained and then starving yourself...Its just a never ending battle. At least I have my self esteem and I feel better about me, but man I hate this. Single mom working to feed the kids everyday, coming home to bills to pay, kids fighting, cleaning, and then just going to bed and waiting for the next day to start....it gets rather tiring. Though I am going on vacation and I can't wait, the kids are going on theirs and maybe we will all feel better. Talk to you later
|
|
|
|
May28,2000
The big weekend, havent done anything yet, well now I am in the middle of cleaning........Annie is helping me out alot, not Keith though. I really dont understand him and wish that he would get better. A little more harder now since I got in the mail a letter that Rich has cut the kids from the insurance. I didnt expect him to
keep it, but damn knowing how Keith needs all this help and Andrea, to just pretend that he wasnt their father for all those years...just dont understand. I am just hurting, feel depressed again and wondering why? Why can't I ever stay steady.....not seeing the doc til the begginging Of July, so I hope this is just temporary. Staying on the diet and noticing my flabby gross arms and thinking I better get some weight work going, hoping for a miracle in uh, 3 weeks........see ya all tomorrow (by the way, if anyone seen Rich's
guestbook entry since he wont stop reading and invading my life, please feel free to ask me any questions on his comments that once again he was perfect and did nothing, I wiped it out, and banned the IP, I dont want him in my life, in my journals, he got the wonderful Penny now and had for way before 12-23-99 when after throwing the cookies all over and slammimg my daughter in the wall he was asked to leave......as for the man on the internet, I told all, and said that I was sorry to Rich and him. Rich forgave me, but now feels the need to throw in my face, which he has always done. The man (affair) that is not true.......and he knows it. As for Eric, he is noway abusive, nor would I ever tolerate abuse to me or MY KIDS again!!!!!!!!) Thats enough, this was not created to be the soap of the year, and our life is over Rich. This is my diary's, not yours.......stay the hell out, U and Penny. Just let me be, U have caused enough damage, that may never be repaired.) Now friends, like Karen said I want to get back to why this journal was created in the first place. To be strong, slim and myself again...to get self esteem, and battle food and depression, to get the kids on a good start in life, and keep me whole and sane. Once again, see u tomorrow
|
|
|
|
May30,2000
Back to work, back to realities...like going to the dentist today after work and getting my teeth pulled, in a way I am glad about it, no more pain and nice looking teeth even though they may not be mine.
Keith just won't listen to me at all, talking back, just being really bad. I don't see any change at all in his meds and I am starting to feel down myself....I will probably need a change as well.I'm not sure if it's me and what is going on at home and in my life or it's the meds not working once again. I went out to dinner last night and thats all I had, a turkey club and just half so today I will have something small and then its probably just liquids for me for a few weeks, the dentist told me that it would take like 3 or 4 weeks to heal..I have to get the kids ready for Florida and I tell you, I love them so much but I wish their dad would take them for more then just the vacation, like an extra week would be nice. Though he said that he would be too busy at work and I suppose his social life, I got to make him understand that Keith needs to be with him I think, at least for a few weeks, he spends so little time with his son, and mom just cant handle it that much. This sucks, depression..& not having control over your own body, feelings....and the weight problems, the kids, the house, the baby love birds who refuse to stay in their cages! They get out and just fly all over the living room and kitchen and knock everything over...and they are only a couple of months old and mom has more on the way, lucky me. See ya all tomorrow.
|
|
