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July1,2000
Getting ready to take the kids out for the day with a friend, unfortunatly I seem to be at a lack of friends, people that promised to be there for me have suddenly dissapeared. Eric being one of them.....hurts ya know. He promised Annie to be there and myself.....
well I guess that is what u get for being a sucker. There are a few that are here for her and the family, and the loyalty is awesome, and I love them so much.Lori(my sis, and the best friend u could have, wish u werent so far away) Frank,(my other best friend and bro) Skip,Roy,Chris,Connie, Christy and especially Kathy((((((((( hugs))))))))) I know u are all there as well, my cyber friends. Thanks from the bottom of my heart as always. Its gonna be a very hard long road, and I have to travel it...I just cant unscramble my mind at the moment. Emotions, I told u all, U have no idea what goes through my mind, pain that has never been felt, opening old scars that hurt like they were brand new..and all at the same time trying to hold it all up, Annie and Keith need me, cant lay down now. U all be safe this weekend.....enjoy, I am going to try as well, the kids deserve it. See ya all later.
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July3,2000
Still hanging in there, amazing...the whole town knows, small town, paper, news, it all gets around. I feel so bad for Annie and the shame she feels when people tell her that they know, but I tell her to keep her head up, she is the pure and innocent one, and she shall feel no shame, just proud of being a survivor like so many of us have to be. We are supposed to have a pre hearing Wens, but I think its going to be postponed......I still can not believe that he was even given such a small bail. Well innocent til proven guilty. She is hanging in there, as her brother, we have had many tense moments and I can not break down, not yet anyway. Maybe never, maybe keep this bottled all up, cause there is no one to trust, I trusted him, and used to wonder why he wanted all the details of my own molestion...he GOT OFF ON IT!!!!!!!!!!! that sick sick bastard. I was told through a third party that he is going to mess up our live's, like he can even TOP this one. I can not explain the emotions of pain, hurt, anger, sorrow, all at one time, intense. Though I believe in Annie, the cops believe her, and she is one tough little girl. I am so very proud of her, like I was telling you that Eric let her down, well last nite he got himself in an accident, busted up his leg and had to have surgery, she was the first to find him, the first to want to be at the hospital and telling him how much she loved him.....even though he hurt her feelings so bad. I was there as well and he kept on thanking me and the kids for being there, Annie has been taking care of the dog and cleaning the apt for him, like total sweet love for a friend in need, even though he is a big ass. She has given me strength to keep going, to keep the family together, to stay strong, cause if she has the strength, then damnit I will too. Then I think, thats my little girl and she took after me.......STRONG AS A ROCK and no matter what, unbreakable.........Please friends, be safe out there on the holiday, and talk to u tomorrow
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July4,2000
We found out last night that Annie's pre trial is scheduled for Aug 1st, her birthday......really wonderful isnt it?????? My spousal hearing is on my bday, not that it matters, but damn talk about ruining a family.....Yes I am mad, I have to go to unemployment tomorrow, I can not have a job til this nightmare is over, if that is possible,I have to go to the magistrate and file for a PFA, I didnt think that I needed one, but our detective tells me I have to, Andrea has to go to VIP(victims intervention program) so they can help her with trial, counsel, as well as the therapist in town. I still need to go, my meds are not working as well, my son is out of control and I am lost on what to do with him. Children and Youth are going to interview him and help, as well as the counsler's, but its just too much at once, I have to take care of Eric when he gets out of the hospital, change his dressing, give him his meds, food, not that I feel its a burden, he is my friend and I can not bail out but now is when everyone needs me, I have to support the family, I have to go back and forth to drs, not sleep at night cause I have no job, and there is no one that I can go to......maybe I feel like it would be a burden to lay this all out, but I am feeling the breaking point, I fight and I fight, thats all I can do. I try and stay busy, I need to update the about me page,,,,,,,"my knight in shining armor" I need to get the house in order, and keep the kids under control, no help from their dad of course.....thats a no brainer, I knew I couldnt count on him. He has a new girlfriend who has a kid, maybe mine are old news..
too many problems. Is it me??????? Where did I go so wrong? I know that I was and still am sick, but I tried, how could this happen to my baby? How is she handle it? Will she grow up like me? God, I pray that the help she is getting will make her be ok. She has a very strong faith in God and I know that helps, everyone tells me to turn to God, and I am afraid, afraid that God knows all the bad things that I have done and wont listen to me. That I am not worth the forgiveness.....so this is my 4th, I feel bad for the kids, but there will be another 4th and that one will be more happier.....see ya tomorrow.
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July5,2000
Today I was at the courts, assitance office, getting insurance for the kids, and hate to say but food stamps as well, I went to unemployment only to find out I will not recieve the first check for 4 weeks and only 116 dollars. I can not look for another job til this is over, unless maybe a night job but I am afraid to leave the kids here every night, they dont feel safe anymore. I keep feeling so close to a mental break, but hang in there and talk myself out of it. Is there a time when I wont? I talked to Lori tonight and that helped so much. Thanks sis......she wants me to come down there when its all done, a new town, a new start for me and the kids so no one knows who we are, and be judged. Atlanta (sure I will blend there) but it does sound nice. I have to talk with the kids and see how they feel, I do not want them to be tormented in school and all, being that we live in this 5 last names hillbilly redneck town. They all know. Today I had to go to the magistrate to get a PFA for Annie, so she will feel safe and I am waiting.......and all these people come in, "Hi Bonnie!!!!! (the magistrate) This is my new daughter in law!!! Lets look at all the pictures" Bonnie gets up, "OOOOOOOHHHHHHH how lovely" Then the sheriff comes in with an accused molester and they are all joking! I am starting to sweat, feel sick, and does anyone care??????? No we are too busy making jokes with the sheriff and the child molester and oh yeah the friends or relatives that need to show Bonnie the pictures and meet the new daughter in law who probably is a cousin anyway. DAMN, did I get pissed. But then I am not in Kansas anymore...I have decided or told by Lori.....that Eric is a bad situation for me, and she is right. I was just lonely, and tried to be a friend, maybe more, and he was not there with me. I am sorry that he got hurt, but I can not do anymore for him. I do not deserve to be treated bad, or let people abuse me, and take advantage of my good nature and heart. I just do not deserve it, and I have way too much to handle as it is. I do not need a relationship. I am just so lonely and wish that there was someone to be with me, though it isnt the time is it? I need my family, my brother and my sister. I need my children, and I need this journal......which really isnt about a diet anymore is it? Its still here, and so are you all, and to be honest it keeps me going. Talk to you all tomorrow.
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July6,2000
Another rotten day in the trials and tribulations, Keith is so way out of control and it makes me more scared then mad, He goes to the dr soon and I don't know anymore what to do. He refuses to listen, tells me how much he hates himself and his life, that he feels scared.
I try and say what more can I do to make U feel safe?????? He wants to move, which is not what I can do right now.Back to the assitance office, where I was able to get med ins for the kids, but not me. So if alledged molester's policy runs out or whatever I am shit out of luck so to say,
I told her, I have a diease, the meds are 300 a month without insurance, and if I dont have them I might as well be in the hospital.
I guess mom doesnt matter to good ole asst office. She told me that she can give me cash, 400 dollars, and when I get my support I hand it over to her, I said never mind, I am not recieving the child support, and that is a long process to go through to get it garnishered. So, lets just say that this really sucks. I am going to make it, I know that I will, I just have to believe that there is justice and things can get better for me and the kids.....I just wake up every morning and think the nightmare is over, and its not.
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July7,2000
Keith started a fire last night outside for no reason, he is getting more and more disturbed and I think he may need to be hospitalized...
I took him with me to the dr and they saw him, the next disturbing event they want him in the hospital. Thats my little boy, what the hell happened and he is not my same Keith. YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THANK YOU FOR DESTROYING MY LIFE, MY CHILDREN, I HATE YOU AND HOPE YOU BURN IN HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! like you have told me so many times......
sick, sick, sick bastard.......if I lose my son cause of something u may have done to him. I tried to sell all the rubies he has bought me over the years when he pretended that he loved me, I dont want them in the house, and Annie certainly does not want them, red stones of blood...they said only 120.00 and I need more then that to get through the next few weeks, so I will hold on to them and see if I can more somewhere else, unless Penny wants them???????? The one that bailed out the freak. Im sure she has her own new engagement ring..
but hey there up for grabs. Just call and not watch my house, or go to other peoples houses and ask questions about me BITCH! Its already been reported Penny, dont u dare come near my house nor my children.
I know I am angry, and it is really showing......but I need the outlet. There really isnt anywhere else to do it. Talk to u tomorrow.
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July10,2000
My car broke down before on the way home from the bank where I salvaged whatever pennies I had so nothing would bounce, waited an hr and a half before someone came to help......I have no idea if its dead or what. I have a monte ss that I am trying to sell, but who knows when that will happen????? Is anyone around? NO. Eric has told me basically to go to hell, he had maggots in his house when he got home from the hospital and I should of cleaned them, no excuse that I had to go to drs, and counslers.....I am not a friend, and I can no longer be trusted or paid back any money that he owes. I have more to the sexual abuse case, I can not say a word now, but will let you know. I was offered a night job at a nursing home making good money and all, O/T and I think I can handle it.......not without a car. I have no idea why my world is falling apart, or how to get through it, all I know is that I need to get up every morning......I stay tranqulized so I dont flip and have nobody to flip on or that I can spill my feelings, people are very uncomfortable with this subject..
I understand, what I dont understand is I never bailed on anyone.See you tomorrow.
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July12,2000
From: "Richard Crawford" | an email from Rich tonight, figured that I would share, I am not afraid of any stupitity that Thing has to write. Sorry Penny isnt with him, she must have believed that he maybe did something wrong.....as far as us, we are fine, I do feel like the bottom has hit, but I will get through it. There is another allegation, I hate having to use that word, cause I know its true......my son has been allegedly raped as well, this time in another state. Its all being taken care of, state to state as well as the FBI...Keith is going to need to be taken to the hospital, he just cant get a grip, or maybe because he finally told, what I have been dreading and fearing. My poor baby, what he must of felt and been through and I could not be there. I can not tell you how sick that I am and the anger, rage, saddness. This email is supposed to scare me??????????????? He is threating to put little kids through the mud???????? I dont care what he says about me, I have never abused a child, nor hurt them, maybe I wasnt the finest mom in the world but I would like to know who is? As far as my past, what the hell does that have to do with what he did to my babies? Well Rich??????????? why dont u answer that one? Oh by the way, U just fked up big time..........contact with the victims is against your bail. Just called the police.
July13,2000
My baby,Keith was admitted to the mental hospital today after threating sucide and screaming and trying to hurt himself.......the pain is unbearabe, saying goodbye to him and seeing that look in his eyes."mommy dont go" made my heart fall out.......He may be there for two weeks or maybe months, it will depend on his progress, lots and lots of theraphy and maybe meds. I get to only see him 3 days a week, and some weekends.....I can call him everyday. and he can call me collect. I know it is for the best, everyone tells me that, but do they feel the pain? Are they all alone like me? Nobody to hold and break down, I have to keep this all inside and I am going to expolde, they gave me tranqulizers and all it did was make me feel the pain a little less...when does it stop? when do your friends realize that you need them? when do you get to breakdown?
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July14,2000
I saw Keith before, he look so sad and I just wanted to hold him tight as I could and take him, but I know that I can help him, and he is where he needs to be. His father came in this morning and told me that he wants to take the kids from me, that I have no job, emotionally I am a wreck, but I will get us by and he says that he will take me to court, like I need all this on top of everything else. He will kill me if he takes my kids, what would I have???????
I am at the end of the rope but I am hanging on.
| KIT FOR EVERYDAY LIVING Items Needed: Toothpick Rubber Band Band-Aid Pencil Eraser Chewing Gum Mint Candy Kiss Tea Bag Why??? 1) Tootpick - to remind you to pick out the good qualities in others. 2) Rubber Band - to remind you to be flexible, things might not always go the way you want, but it will work out. 3) Band-Aid - to remind you to heal hurt feelings, yours or someone else's. 4) Pencil - to remind you to list your blessings everyday. 5) Eraser - To remind you that everyone makes mistakes and it's OK. 6) Chewing Gum - to remind you to stick with it and you can accomplish anything. 7) Mint - to remind you that you are worth a mint. 8) Candy Kiss - to remind you that everyone needs a kiss or a hug everyday. 9) Tea Bag - to remind you to relax daily and reflect on all the positive things in your life. A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one. Friends are a very rare jewel, indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear, share a word of praise and they always open their hearts (thanks skip)
July15,2000
Keith's father is making my hell worse, yelling at me that I had no right to put Keith in the hospital( I guess I should of let him set more fires or try and kill himself) He wants both kids, til I get my life together, I suppose life without my kids would get me together. He says that he take me to court.......SO BE IT! I am so sick of him, all the times that I called and called and told him about all the problems with Keith, he was to busy to deal with it, now he cares?????? FK HIM. I am so enraged cause my heart hurts so bad and I cant hold my son for more then two hrs and the one that caused it is running around free and the other one is just being mean and an asshole. I hurt, I cant break down, and I cant stop the tears........
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July16,2000
Annie is at her college course for two weeks, I dropped her off to her dorm then we had dinner together, she needs the break and Im happy and proud that she got accepted, a lesson in what college life is like. We saw Keith and he wasnt feeling that well, and I asked him
"when do u think u are gonna blow this taco stand?" He said "I dont know mommy, but I feel safe and I wanna get better" I am so heartbroken, my heart is in pieces, I am alone, scared and trying so hard to be strong and not wind up in the hospital myself. I saw a rainbow today, and I felt that God was telling me, its gonna be ok and I am here for you......but do u ever get over the pain that was caused on my children, me? When does it end, or does it never end?
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July17,2000
I felt peace today, I dont know why......maybe it was that rainbow, or maybe Lori calling me and letting me know that she is there for me,
and to please pull myself together for her. I am going to, I am going to look into that job at the nursing home, I can get special visiting hrs for Keith when I go to the school for the week, I have stopped taking the tranqulizers, and getting my head cleared up so I can hold my family together. Im not sure God has heard me, but I get goosebumps
and just feel calm. Is that him? Was that rainbow for me? Maybe it was for alot of lost souls and I was one of them. Rich...I know you read this all the time, I dont know if its for kicks, or just to stay in my life in some demented way, but hey turn to God...he is there, and only he can forgive you.....no human can. Everything is alledged, nothing has been proven, but I still think you need to talk to Him.
I know that I will get through this all, the pain one day may end or dull some, I will know who my real friends are, and who isnt, and most of all my babies will get all the help that they need......there goes those goosebumps again, it even puts a smile on my face, I havent smiled for weeks.....just cried. See ya tomorrow.
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July18,2000
I have an interview tomorrow after my meeting with him for spousal report, great way to start your birthday. Keith starts his meds tomorrow, effexor like me. I pray that it will help him, he was ok today, yesterday he was withdrawn and empty..I need to give him my strength, and his sister, the only problem is mine is draining, my heart hurts too much and Im so lonely. Friends keep dropping out, I just dont feel hurt anymore, I already have pain. My brother is coming Sat nite to help me out through the weekend and get some hold of my life...I NEED TO STAY STRONG......
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July19,2000
Happy Birthday to me, the big 39. No big deal, no calls, nothing.......just having to see that thing this morning for spousal support. I just wanted to throw up. I could not look at him and when he said something to me, I told the officer to tell him not to speak to me. My friend Kristy was with me, in the waiting room and it helped alot....The support that she gives me is awesome, and my lawyer is pretty cool as well. So...have to get ready to see Keith,
and talk to you tomorrow.
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July20,2000
Summer is just going by so fast, I can not believe that it is the
end of July soon, but then look what the summer has been. I wrote a new "my story" It had to be changed, and I did. I will through the days when I can add more links for child abuse, depression, sexual and domestic violence, but mainly for the children. THIS HAS TO STOP!!!!!!! They need new laws, no bail for molesters, no 2,5 year crap. 20 YEARS MANDATORY,IF YOU GET CAUGHT WITH DRUGS IN SOME STATES YOU GET THAT. THOUGH CHILDREN CAN BE RAPED, BEAT, MOLESTED AND THATS OK???????????????????? I couldnt see Keith tonight, I talked on the phone...we cant visit on tues and thurs, it made me sad but I needed a break, I am so tired, mentally, physically, drained and empty. I have somewhere and something to do everyday, though it keeps me going and I believe that I will make this through, me and my babies. I believe that next summer will be all a new set of journals.....maybe
a new house, job, life. JUSTICE, and safety and healing for me and my children. I have to believe that friends, hey maybe we will talk about dieting again...like I had worried about that???????? I ate a container of chocolate icing for dinner.....the whole thing too! It was good, and without the cake I figured it wasnt too bad :-) see ya tomorrow.
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July22,2000
My bro Frank came in tonight, and he took me out to dinner, it was
nice just to relax and talk about just stuff. I see in my guestbook
hes at it again, this time he isnt using his name,,,,,,so wise, isnt he? Like I dont know its him. Keith has had his meds upped again, and
had to take a blood test over again. I see him tomorrow and I am so worried about him, and keep getting discouraged that he wont be home soon. At least he is opening up to his therapist and that it is a good sign. I just cant seem to think too clearly anymore.......so I am going to sign off and talk to you all tomorrow
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July24,2000
Guest book just keeps going, I know that is Rich, I traced the ip (very simple) to www.parkndrive.com, an internet connection with truckers for laptops.....but I am stupid, right Rich???????? Screw u
vicious,hateful, monster. Im going to lose everything???????? Like I havent lost so damn much with the torture and pain that my children are going through, bastard. Just stay OUT OF HERE, LEAVE ME ALONE!
Ok, count to ten......Keith may be coming home Thursday! The dr and the thearpist said that he is just about there. He got out alot of angry and sad feelings and its a start. Its not that he is cured or that he will never feel these feelings again, but a start is a start.
Annie will be home Fri, and Keith may go to dads, we are not sure on that all yet, I think that Keith wants to spend time with him, but he is afraid that I will be hurt. I told him do whatever makes you feel ok and safe, that I love him and its only for a little while.....I got my tattoo yesterday, a red rose on my ankle......had to after Jeannies poem, its so pretty, but hey it hurt! I want to get one on the back of my shoulder next, another rose of course but maybe with a dove or a rainbow behind it...then again I may chicken out all together, at least I dont have to ask "does it hurt?" I want to thank Frank again for his help through this very trying emotional time, I also would like to apoligize to my sister, mom and dad, I am always the one causing the grief.....and they must get tired of it. They just want to make sure that I am well. I went to the dr today, and she knows that there are many tough roads ahead to travel, but she must see some ounce of strength, cause she tells me that I will be ok.
She upped my meds, gave me stronger sleeping pills, (the others wasnt working) and gave me different meds for anxiety, they werent working either..sometimes I think my brain isnt going to work soon. See you tomorrow
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July25,2000
My friend Christy is here spending a few days, holding me up, and help with the kids coming home........I have another friend on the way here as well.......its nice not to be alone, and and be able to sleep tonight. Im kinda fried, talk to u later
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July27,2000
Keith is home! Its so great after all those days. He seems pretty ok, not as depressed, he has on meds and has to see the drs and the therapists. Though after all this time he was able to speak out, and that is part of healing. He wants to be at Annies pre trial, and Christy is still here and another friend is on the way, the few that I have left are hanging in there........thank god for them. See ya tomorrow
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July27,2000
Annie and Keith are both home now, though Annie is very upset, and
I know that she is scared, though when she has a chance to talk to the DA and vip, all our friends, she will be just fine. Its been so comforting having Christy here, and my other friend on the way, I just feel so sad, how am I going to handle this all? I am going to school so I can get a job, its a nursing asst, but there is alot of school, studying, and taking care of the kids. I have to pass alot of tests, and Im not sure I can. I cant call my mom and dad, I feel like all I do is cause them grief, not to mention how damn stupid I am......I will get through this, I dont know how, thats the problem. I found that one day at a time is the best method for me......Going to sign off now, I have not been eating...thats always a good thing huh???????? when u gained. One day, life will be normal and we can discuss why we should not eat the whole gallon of Death by Chocolate
See ya tomorrow
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July30,2000
I actually feel like I am melting, I have homework to do and I read two sentences and that's all I can read. The pre trial, cops, talking to my friend Connie asking her will I ever be the same Rose again? I am not me.......I dont smile, I hardly talk or joke. I feel dead inside.......thank god for my friends that are here. Connie said that maybe people are scared to talk to me, afraid of the whole situation. I suppose that we are all human and that can happen. Going to try and study......and get throught the rest of the night without an inccident.
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July31,2000
Asshole got a continuace today, hired a new laywer, FINE.....at least Annie's birthday wont be totally ruined, but though we wanted to get over it, maybe this is a good thing, time will tell. I am still having problems with Keith, its going to take alot of time, and in a way he wants to somewhat be be back in the hospital, safer there for him. All I can say is that my heart is so broken, the pain is unbearable, and Im scared.........but someway, somehow I will survive this, like I always have. See ya tomorrow.
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