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Trials,Annies Birthday &August
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August6,2000
I have been without a puter for awhile, I had a major crash and
really didnt have the time or energy to deal with it. The pretrial was
continued, games on his part. My son was rehospitalized, he was a number 10 on the scale of 1-10 of high risk of sucide. There is also a problem with his liver blood readings.....I cant go there yet, that is the what that could mean. I am waiting to meet the dr Tues. I suppose that I am kinda numb perhaps, the pain is so unbearable, my heart is in a million pieces, and all I can do is go hour by hour.
There is no light that I can see, I have to be strong, yet I need to be held up as well. I hate, I rage, I mourn, I hurt.....I scream inside cause I have to keep it in. I know I am rambling.....I just got the puter fixed,(thanks skip) and its 2:30 am. Just wanted to let you know I am here.
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August7,2000
I am still here, I finally called a pastor today and asked for spritual help, so many friends are telling me that is the answer, the strength and where the help will be. Its getting harder and harder with Keith in the hospital, and the frustration of not getting the police to take his statement, game after game. I am breaking apart little by little, though I still get up in the morning.....and I do what I need to do. God must be holding me up, cause I really dont think its me. I feel hungry and then I eat and want to throw up. I know, not pleasent. One way to lose weight, huh? I think eventually there is a light at the end of this tunnel, and I will get by, I will make sure that my children are going to be ok and get all the help they need. I have to, as a mom, as a survior, and for all the little children that are being destroyed by monsters.
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August9,2000
I saw my doctor yesterday and she wanted me to be put in the hospital,I begged her not to, I had promised Keith that I was going to see him with Kathy and we were allowed to take him for dinner. The birds, the dog, who would take care of them? I know that there are times that I feel I would be better in the hospital, but I need to be here for the kids. My son is doing better and may be able to come home soon, then we have the pretrial for Annie Aug24 or 25, forgot what the da said......she needs me to help her with that as well as VIP, and the counclers..My father wont talk to me, I dont hear from my brother since he was here, and just Christy and Kathy are here for me, but how much can they do? I get closer and closer to shut down and something gets me going, I want to believe that it is God holding me up. Today, its a 11:45am and I havent done anything. Just want to sleep.
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August12,2000
Havent been posting that much, with all that is going on this is the last thing on my mind. Keith is home, and its so cool.....Annie is home as well, and now the quiet before the storm.We have a new trial date,Aug25,3pm, and Keith needs to see a specialist for whatever is making his kidneys and liver so abnormal. They call it nuclear dye, so they can scan for masses, they hear echos that suggest that, now we wait and see. My life is so upside down and manic...I just want a normal life, with a few good friends, my family, my kids not having to go through this crap. I have no idea how I am going to make it through this month finacially, all I know I have to keep my head together, so inbetween dr visits, children and youth, DA, police I have been cleaning.......the basement, anything to keep me busy for many hrs. Tomorrow I am going to church, One night this past week, I didnt think I was going to make it through the night......and I opened the phone book and there was a # for a church in town, I called and had a christian counsler call me within minutes. I got off the phone after an hr and I finally knew what it felt like to have God being with U. I never thought he was, but who has been with me when I was alone and felt like not waking up? As Jeanne said, "I will never let you down, always be there for you and never leave your side......the love you wanted all your life. Maybe he doesnt answer us when we want him to, or maybe he does and we are not ready to see.
All I know is that is where me,Annie, Keith and Christy are going tomorrow........they have stuff for the kids, baseball teams and youth activities. I need the suppport that no one else can give me. Either I will fall down or stand up and keep fighting for my family. I choose standing......see ya tomorrow.
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August13,2000
Annie and Keiths dad think that it would be better to live with him,apparently I am not "with it" and can not be a good mom. I suppose taking the kids to drs, theraphy, staying home so my son wont kill himself and the 90 or other people that have invaded our lives means nothing.I could lay down, let it all take its sweet time, but I dont, I have no patience for justice and my childrens well being. I dont work......well, I was planning on it when they went back to school and all is calm, and Keith does not have cancer of the liver.
I suppose that he blames me, like so many others. I have made bad decsions and I am suffering more then u can imagine. Whats next???????
I went to the church today, and it felt good, it felt good to be with people that dont judge me, nor the need to give me forgiveness, they promised to be there with me, as God. For my family......my father still will not talk to me, and I havent heard from my brother or sister.....human instinct, blame the mom. Like I havent tortured myself with guilt over and over. I wish that my mom and dad were here for me, I need them. Well I got Annies dr appt, and we may have to get Keith to the hospital for the tests that he needs, then at 4 we have theraphy, and I wonder how am I gonna make it this month, according to their dad, I am useless as a parent, just keep tearing me up. See ya tomorrrow
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August16,2000
Keith is doing better everyday, I guess his new meds help him. Tomorrow he has his first VIP appt, and I know thats going to help him alot.Though I am so scared about the tests that he has to take, and if its really bad...I can not even imagine. Happy Birthday Lori, sorry I didnt get a chance to call.......catch ya tomorrow. I am feeling better emotionally, I have too......Annie and Keith are fighting, I have no more food stamps for the month, but I will make it by, thats what I keep telling myself.Still not eating that much, maybe once a day and thats even small. My eyes have rings under them,and you can see the strees in my face, aging me, I got my first spousal support check,then a day later a letter that he is contesting it in court, Figures. I am not even going to print what I really want to say to him cause once I start I am going go off big time. We will see you at the trial.......
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August19,2000
Yesterday Keith went to the dr, and he has an internal hemorriod, which is very unusual for a young boy, it is a sign of sexual abuse as well as a sign of something wrong in the liver. We have to wait for the nuclear study to find out. Im scared. I really sometimes dont know what to write in my journals anymore, its always the same......bad and more bad. I dont how well I am going to do at the trial next week but I need to be strong for Annie. I dont eat anymore,
sleep or hardly laugh, my depression is up as well as my anxiety, and I just want a normal life...but what really is that?
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August23,2000
The day before the pre trial and I feel like we all have been through
the ringer,buts it the first step, and if all goes okay step number 2 wont be so bad. My nerves if you could even imagine are way out of their minds.....(burning calories I hope) Then again I do look at my face and I see age catching up to me, stress......Hope u all will be with me and Annie tomorrow in sprit......I know we will feel the love.
Talk to you later
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August24,2000
There was enough evidence to bind him for trial.....my Annie was awesome in her testimony. It was hard at first to get her to the stand, she was scared, IT seemed to think it was all a big joke, grinning.....but when she got going, it was no joke.
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August27,2000
Still crashing after the trial,I suppose it will stay with me for a few days, sort of like a flu.....I have to be back in court Tues, he seems to think that 98 dollars a week is way to much to give me, I dont care anymore, if he wants to torment me, so be it. Sorry I havent been here much, just trying to recoup. Talk to you all later
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August28,2000
Well tomorrow is the big fight over spousal support.....it really pisses me off for one. The whole summer just about flew by, I dont even feel like we had one at all, except for the vacations that we had.I met a new friend, nothing serious, but I like him. I dont want to rush, I am scared too....and the kids need to feel okay. Maybe its too soon, but what can I say? I like him.....talk to you all tommorrow.
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August29,2000
The spousal support is over, I won support for two more months and my insurance til the divorce is final.Big deal.....I am so depressed over all this crap, mad, sad, so many feelings I cant understand nor want to deal with. I have to find a job soon. Im not sure how I can with the trial and all the appts.....plus I got stopped by a cop, havent got the inspection so I got a warning for that, have no idea how Im going to afford the repairs to get it inspected. I just got to hang on to the thought that all will be okay. I hope.
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August30,2000
I was alittle upset after reading my guestbook and reading the entry...I can understand her point, though I have thought about it many times and I want to keep my journals, pictures and all. That is my life, the way it was, the way it is now. I got married, I shared it with my readers, I shared all that is true. I shared the horrible disgusting things that Rich alledged to do to my children. Maybe I am more honest then others..maybe someone out there is going through the same thing and knowing that it is not only them helps. This is my theraphy, always has been. I have met alot of nice people, friends through the years and to take this down is to say this never happened in an average so to say blue collar family. My friends that I know in person have left my side, some in my family blame me and do not talk to me.....I can deal with it, I have too. My children are safe and enjoying themselves in the last days of the summer. They deserve it.Things will get tough now, I HAVE TO GET A JOB and make sure my kids make all their appts and have many doors open to them, they will survive this cause they TALKED. I am so proud of them......and they will both be ok, I know that. Me, It takes time and energy to get to be alright but I know eventually I will. Talk to all tomorrow......
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August31,2000
The summer is over, next week the kids go back to school.....and I really hope that I will be able to get a job. I hope that we dont get a cold winter and I pray that I can get a car that can be inspected. Not to much to ask, huh? There is still lots of appts for the kids in Sept and I truly hope that we come to the final soon, so we can get on with our lives......rise above the ashes and survive. See you next month.
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